Theme Four: Dark
I just had to find out after it was all over and done with. You stupid detective idiot, you didn't even let me hear it from you. Although I guess that wasn't really your fault… or not exactly, anyway. But it makes me hurt so much inside, to know all the things that went unsaid between us. Things that will never get said, now.
It's tomorrow, you know. Kaa-san picked out a black dress for me to wear. Everyone will be there – Hattori, Kazuha-chan, Inspector Megure… I suspect even Kid will be there in one form or another, knowing him. A lot of people cared for you. Still care for you, now that you're gone. But I doubt anyone cares as much as I do. I don't even know if it's possible for them to.
Sonoko says it's all going to be all right someday. She says eventually I'll find someone new. That's what she says, but the look in her eyes as she smiles hopefully at me tell me a different story. Even she knows it's not going to be okay this time. She's really a good friend, you know, even if you two didn't always see eye to eye. I think she still just can't quite believe it's happened. I don't blame her.
I like to think that you're still here somewhere, listening to me. I don't think that someone with a heart as strong as yours could just vanish. There's a song like that somewhere… I think it was in that one American movie. Titanic, that's the one. I really do think that's true. Even if you're gone… Even if I'll never see those blue eyes twinkle as they smile at me the way only you could… I think that your heart goes on. In me, if nothing else.
There are so many things I regret now. Things I should have seen, should have been able to figure out. It makes me sad when I think of them. And then there are the things that I feel you should have told me, and those make me angry. But mostly I just feel empty. Empty in a way that I'm not sure can ever be filled. It's a scary feeling, but there's nothing I can do.
If I sit quietly like this, I can almost imagine you're here. That corner there could almost conceal your dark hair, your eyes that always softened when you looked at me, the smile that always sent shivers up my spine. You could just be waiting there to surprise me, trying to keep me in suspense. I can imagine the mischievous glint in your eyes as you think of the way I would jump, the way I would hit you at first and then apologize, just like we always used to do before all this started. I almost expect to hear your voice whispering to me in the darkness, telling me what I've always wanted to hear.
I love you, Ran.
And then I respond, whispering into the dark, believing that somehow, some way, you can hear me.
"I love you too, Shinichi. Always."
Author's Note
Short and angsty all in one… what's gotten into me tonight? Sorry for oddness…
Next theme is Seeking Solace