Stabler Residence
Brooklyn, New York
Friday, September 19th
9:00p.m.
[Kathleen]
Talking with Olivia helped me in ways I can't even begin to imagine. Our talk made me realize what was important in life.
Family.
Love.
Life and the ability to live it instead of ending it.
All these things.
Everything that I would be depriving the life forming inside of me. I can't do it.
It's ironic that I am coming to this conclusion now, even more that inadvertently Olivia has aided me in doing so.
Looking down at my hand resting upon belly, I realize the truth that lie within what Olivia had mentioned earlier.
The decision has been made. The thought of terminating a life, a part of myself, now makes my stomach turn.
The mere fact that I had even considered it before now seems inconceivable.
Mom and dad are going to freak, that much I'm sure of. Tyler doesn't even know.
What if he doesn't want it?
To hell with it! To hell with what anyone thinks or wants.
I know what I must do now. It's the only thing I can do, because any other choice, I won't be able to live with.
Hampton Inn Hotel
Upper Manhattan, New York
Friday, September 19th
9:15 p.m.
[Maureen]
"Mo! Mo!" The little curly haired brunette squeals in excitement upon me entering the room. Before I know it, she's in front of me, arms outstretched, eagerly awaiting me to pick her up.
"Pick me up Mo-Mo" I happily appease her request of my affection, placing a kiss upon her forehead.
"Where's daddy?" I ask, scanning the room.
"In the shower. I missed you Mo-Mo" She informs me, while smoothing the fur around the collar of my jacket.
"I missed you too, Maddie" I reply to her, hugging her a little tighter in the process.
It amazes me sometimes how quickly this little girl stole my heart. Although she's not mine, I don't think I could love her anymore if she were.
"Where have you been?" She asks sternly as if she were scolding me like you would a child. It humors me, but I somehow manage to keep my amusement contained.
"I went to see my dad, but he wasn't there. He had to work"
"Did you get to see Caleb?" I smile nervously, her innocent questions making me uneasy.
"Yes, sweetie, I did. For a little bit"
"When are me and daddy going to meet your family? Can we do it tomorrow?"
"I told you sweetie, they don't know about you and daddy yet. It's a surprise"
"I know that Mo-Mo!" She replies in mock exasperation. "I'm ready to surprise them now, so I can play with Caleb"
"Maddie, baby, what did I tell you about pestering people" I turn in the direction of the newfound voice in the room. I am grateful to him for momentarily rescuing me from Maddie's relentless questions.
"I'm not pestering nobody, daddy" She defines indignantly, inciting laughter from both me and her father.
I watch as he crosses the room to where Maddie and I are standing. With Maddie still in my arms, he pulls me into an embrace, then kisses me briefly, but tenderly on the lips.
"We have been missing you"
"So I've heard. I missed you guys too" Placing Maddie on the bed, I begin my nightly ritual of getting ready for bed. I can feel him watching me as I rummage through my luggage trying to find the most appropriate bedtime attire, seeing as though Maddie would be sharing a bed with us.
After a while, I finally give up my search, settling on one of Mike's t-shirts and a pair of his boxers.
After a shower and change, I return to the room to find Maddie already asleep and under the covers. Mike looks from the TV to me expectantly.
"Did you talk to your dad?" Man, he doesn't waste any time.
"No, I didn't get a chance to. He couldn't make it for dinner. I didn't even get to see him, let alone talk to him" He nods in understanding, sensing my need not to push the issue further tonight. He resumes watching the television while I silently contemplate how to enlighten my family on everything that has happened in my life while I have been away at college…
Stabler Residence
Brooklyn, New York
Saturday, September 20th
2:35 a.m.
[Olivia]
The sound of his footsteps, though treaded softly, are just as audible as the sounds of our neighbor, Mrs. Peterson's Golden Retriever.
I don't need to see him to know that he has crept into Caleb's room.
To tuck him in. To kiss him goodnight. To apologize for the broken promises.
Rationalizing his dedication to his job. Resenting what it is causing him in the end.
It's what he does.
As my husband quietly enters our bedroom, trying carefully not to wake me, I assume my role of feigning sleep.
Sleep has been blissful memory for quite some time now, becoming virtually impossible to partake in. How could I when my husband isn't at home where he is supposed to be.
I haven't even been to sleep. The bright red digits of clock on the nightstand revealed the time.
2:35.
Where in the hell has he been?
Not the station, that's for damn sure. I know that because I called the station a little after midnight after he hadn't shown or called.
Cragen informed me that he let the squad off an hour prior to my call. It took everything in me not to light into him the moment he stepped into the room.
Patiently I wait.
Silently debating.
Should I let it rest until the morning or confront him now?
Cautiously, he joins me in our bed. The smell of alcohol and smoke are eminent upon his breath and clothes, all the while enlightening me of his whereabouts of the past few hours.
I continue to lie in bed, perfectly still and seemingly unaware of his presence.
His hesitance to envelop me into his arms, just as he does any other night, does not go unnoticed by me.
All rationality and reason is lost the moment he wraps his arm around my waist.
Without so much as a second thought, I rebuff his advances.
"Where were you?" I ask him, my voice devoid of any emotion.
He is visibly taken aback by both my reaction to him and my question.
"Babe, I thought you were sleep"
Emphasizing each word, I ask once again, "Where were you?"
Placation definitely won't work tonight.
I can feel the bed dip a little as he shifts from his side to his back. He sighs heavily before he speaks, "At Maloney's with Ris and Fin"
With my back still facing him, I wait for him to continue, offer up some kind of explanation as to why he's been avoiding his family like a plague.
"I tried to call you on your cell" I inform him, trying desperately to keep my voice even.
"My battery went dead" He states simply, unaffectedly, which does nothing to appease my anger.
"And you didn't think to call and let me know something, Elliot?"
"I honestly didn't think-"
"No, you honestly didn't think, but that's not unusual these days. You never stop to think about how your actions affect the people in this family!" I reply swiftly and effectively enough to get a rise out of him.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" He growls, grabbing me by the arm, forcing onto my back in the process.
I study his face upon my new position in the bed. His eyes have become a darker shade of blue, revealing the brewing anger that lies within.
It's been a while since I have been on the receiving end of his unbridled anger, but I definitely hadn't forgotten how to hold my on in the midst of it.
"It means exactly what I said, you selfish sonofabitch" The fury in his eyes now matches my own. It's only a matter of time now before it is fully unleashed.
His gaze, as intense and unwavering as it may be, doesn't discourage me from getting to the root of our problems.
Amazingly, this fact is not lost upon my husband, honorably admitting defeat in our silent pissing match.
He lies back on the bed, his attention now focused on the ceiling, instead of boring a hole through my head.
His breath is ragged, undoubtedly from trying to keep his temper in check.
Once again, I wait for him to counteract, to at least call me out on my bullshit, yet he doesn't say a word.
An weary sigh escapes my lips, as I turn back over onto my side, my back once again facing him.
After what seems like an eternity of deafening silence, he speaks again,
"I know that it was my idea to have a family dinner tonight-"
"It's not just about dinner Elliot…" I pause briefly, unsure as to whether or not to continue.
"I feel like you're slowly shutting me out."
Like you did with Kathy.
"I feel as if I can't reach you anymore and that scares the hell out of me, El"
"I know that I haven't been there for you and Cale like I should have and I'm sorry for that. It's just-" He pauses for a moment. I don't push him, which is a newfound role for me.
"For so long you have been Olivia, my partner and now you're Olivia, my wife and mother of my son. It's like I have an overwhelming need to protect you. To keep you safe. Now more than ever" He exhales sharply, fighting the tears I know are there.
"It's hard for me to separate the two" I turn back around to face him, the emotions that he's trying so hard to keep at bay finds itself seeping through.
"Baby, you don't have to" Reaching out to him, I gently cup his face, adverting his attention to me.
"You don't have to be strong for me. I'm still the same person. I'm still your partner. I still love you and you can still talk to me. I still want to be here for you" I state, staring at him intently. He doesn't speak, but nods in understanding.
I kiss his lips softly. I don't reject him this time when he draws my body closer to him.
"I love you, Mrs. Stabler. Don't you ever forget that"
"I love you too, El. I could never forget that. Just promise me that you never lose sight of us. No matter what happens"
"I promise" This time he kisses me, his kiss more thorough than mine.
I move closer, if possible, to him relishing the feel of his body against mine. For the first time since he has walked through the door, I console my husband, by simply letting him be.