Chapter 3

Before changing I decided to go ahead and take a shower too and when I rejoined the guys in the living room I noticed that they had all decided to get dressed as well, including Kellie. It was a pretty uneventful day, which was fine by me since it was my first day off in a month. Mostly we just sat around and talked then Jerad and his wife came over and the guys jammed a little. I tried to get some studying in but Kellie would have none of it. I argued that we had a test soon after we returned to school; she argued that it was still spring break and we were supposed to be relaxing and having fun.

Ben treated me as if we were back in Illinois; he permanently planted himself at my side and watched me wherever I went. It was annoying, but at least LA had one thing that Bartelso didn't have, Jackson. Jackson was sweet and charming, and I found it incredibly easy to talk to him. He kept his distance because of Benny, but I caught him looking at me occasionally and I returned the stares. It was difficult not to look at him.

The guys didn't have anything planned for that night, so we sat around some more and broke out the alcohol. Kellie somehow managed to distract Benny enough so that Jackson could come and sit next to me.

"So, are you still planning a getting me back?" Jackson asked as he sat down.

"I do." I replied.

"Well I'm waiting."

"You see the thing you have to understand about me Jackson is that I'm gonna get you back when you least expect it. You throwing me on the couch this morning was completely predictable." Even though I didn't see coming.

"Was it now?"

"Yes, but," I leaned in closer and whispered, "when I strike you'll have no idea what hit you and you'll be begging for more." I sank back to my original position but I could still hear him swallow the lump in his throat.

"Maybe I should just stop worrying about it then, so you can go ahead and get it over with."

"How you want to live your life Jackson is not up to me." We both paused and took a drink. It was fun, and easy, to flirt with him.

"So, tell me about yourself. We talked about me this morning and I know nothing about you." I said.

"There's really not much to tell." He replied.

"For some reason I don't buy that. You seem to me a guy that's full of stories to tell. What do you do other than this monkey stuff?"

"Uh," he looked at me a little doubtfully, like he couldn't believe that I didn't already know. "I'm an actor."

"An actor, hmm, what kind of actor?" I asked and he looked doubtful again. "Like there's the stage and there's Hollywood, you know films and sitcoms." I explained.

"I do films mostly."

"What kind of films, blockbuster or…adult?

"Blockbuster, definitely blockbuster." He answered quickly.

"Damn! Then I probably haven't seen any of your work. I'm kidding by the way. Like I have the time to watch any kind of film these days."

"For some reason I don't buy that." He teased.

I gasped. "I'm not even sure how to respond to that." I could feel my cheeks turning redder by the second. "In all honesty, I don't see the point in watching something like that when you could just…" I trailed off as I tried to find the right word to use.

"Experience it yourself?" he offered.

"I'm not sure if 'experience' is the appropriate term, but something like that. Then again you have to have time for that too, and I certainly don't." We both took another moment to drink and compose ourselves.

"So what's the latest blockbuster you did? Or have you even?" I asked.

"I have, and the most recent one that has been released is probably Twilight."

"Twilight?"

"Have you heard of it?"

"Yea, I've heard of it. A little birdie has told me about it, a very annoying birdie that won't stop yapping about it."

"Ah. Does the name of the birdie happen begin with 'K' and end in 'ellie'?"

"It does, actually. Wow. It's amazing how you knew that." I said sarcastically. I continued on with my questioning. "So, where are you from? Or have you always lived in L.A.?"

"I'm from a little bit of everywhere. I was born in Singapore, but my family lives in Texas now."

"Siblings?"

"What is this Twenty Questions now?"

"No, because in that game you'd have to ask questions too and I'm the only asking."

"We can change that. Where are you from originally?"

"You didn't answer my question about siblings."

"I think the point of the game is to take turns asking questions."

"I asked the question before the game started so technically it doesn't count, but you still have to answer it."

He laughed but answered anyways. "I have three sisters."

"Younger or older?"

"Uh-huh. You have to answer my question first. Where did you live before Illinois?"

I took another sip of my drink to stall. I didn't like talking about my past. Only Kellie and Benny really knew what happened, and there were still things that I didn't remember. I think Jackson could sense that I was uncomfortable and he was about to retract his question when for some unknown reason to me, I answered.

"I was born in a small town in North Carolina."

"Ah, so you are a southerner. I had this feeling."

"Well, some would argue that I'm not because I lived in Illinois longer."

"It only matters where you born."

"Then by that philosophy you're a foreigner."

"You've got me on that one." He laughed. "So why did you move in with the Johnsons?"

"Now that," I didn't hesitate in responding, "is a long and boring story, one which you really don't want to hear and I don't want to tell."

"Well then I guess that works out well."

"Yes, yes it does."

"Can I get you another beer?" He asked.

"Please." I handed him my empty bottle and he smiled sweetly. Did he have any other kind of smile? I watched as he walked away and I bit my lip before catching Kellie's eye. We briefly communicated silently with our eyes; she knew exactly what I was thinking. We both glanced at my cousin. How was I going to fix this? Jackson returned with two open drinks and handed me one.

"Thanks." I said.

"Don't you think you've had enough Amy?" Benny suddenly asked.

"This is only my second beer Benny. How many have you had tonight?" I retorted.

He paused before continuing. "I didn't even think you liked drinking?"

"That was in high school, when my only friends were my books. Now, I have Kellie."

"Is that supposed to be an improvement?" Jackson joked, trying to relieve the building tension.

"I'm not sure yet." I replied

"Hey." Kellie objected. "I'm a very good friend, much better than some old, lousy text book."

I smiled and looked back at Ben; he clearly was not amused. "I'm fine Benny. I know my limit and I'm nowhere near it yet."

I turned my attention back to Jackson and we continued our game of twenty questions, though now I could feel Benny's eyes boring holes into the back of my head.

A few hours later and a few drinks later we were all still just sitting around talking. Something which may be boring to some, but we found it both fun and relaxing. Kellie had given up on trying to distract Benny and had moved on to making friends with Jerad's wife, and when they left she moved on to Ben Graupner. Jackson and I continued to talk. Our "twenty questions" had turned into story time, and man was I right about him having stories to tell. You wouldn't think, by looking at him, that he would be much of a talker, but give him some alcohol and Jackson would go on, and on, and on about next to nothing.

Sometime around the one o'clock hour, shortly after Jerad and his wife left, I followed Jackson into the kitchen. He grabbed two beers from the fridge and offered me one.

"No thanks." I said. "I think I'll just have some water for a while." He smiled and handed me a cup; I filled it up with tap water. "He still hasn't told me why he invited me this weekend."

"Maybe he just misses having you around." Jackson suggested as he leaned against the counter beside me. "I know I would." I blushed slightly but you couldn't tell because my cheeks were already red from drinking.

"If that's the case, then why does he look so pissed?" I asked.

Jackson sighed. "Probably because I'm monopolizing all of your time. You should go talk to him."

"But I'm talking to you Jackson."

"Go. There's always tomorrow for me to find out more of your secrets."

"As if I'd tell you my secrets."

"We shall see about that. Now go."

"Fine." I took a deep breath and filled my glass back up with water before going to sit next to my cousin on the couch.

"Hey," I said.

"Hi," he replied simply.

"How are you?"

"Fine. You?"

"I'm ok."

"Good."

"So is it just going to be one word sentences between us?"

Benny shrugged his shoulders. "Maybe."

"Great." We were both silent for a few moments; neither of us knew what to say next. "Well this is awkward. Why can't we talk anymore Benny?" I turned so that I was sitting cross legged on the couch and fully facing him.

"Do you remember when we used to stay up late in your room and just talk?" I asked.

He nodded.

"You were the only person I talked to back then. We didn't even talk about anything in particular; we'd just talk. Why can't we talk like that anymore?"

"You're not ten years old anymore Amy."

"No I'm not. I'm twenty-two, which only means that I don't need you hovering over me all the time; it doesn't change how I feel about you."

"Doesn't it?"

"No! I still consider you more of a brother than I do my own biological brother. What's happened Benny? Why won't you talk to me? Why did you stop calling?"

He shook his head slowly. "I was going through some things you wouldn't understand."

"But that's life isn't it? Shit happens. And isn't your family supposed to be there for you when it does happen? I lost someone too you know."

He finally looked up at me, curious.

"You know I've always considered your family to be my own. You guys weren't just my aunt, and my uncle, and my cousin. When Paul died, it was like I lost a father too."

"Yea, but he wasn't your father was he? He was mine."

Suddenly it hit me; I knew what was bothering him. It had been what I once feared. I had intruded upon his life, upon his family. He never really wanted me around. He never really cared about me. I was his project; used for his amusement.

I was furious. I could feel my blood start to boil beneath my skin. My heart raced and my breathing became heavy. I placed my drink on the table and leapt from the couch. I couldn't hold the anger back anymore. I couldn't contain the hurt.

"So that's it isn't it!" I shouted. "That's what the problem is! It's not you, it's me!" The room fell silent as the other conversations paused to listen.

"Amy?" Kellie asked cautiously.

"It was your life!" I continued on. "Your family! I was just an intruder! I was never anything to you! You never cared! Our relationship was never real was it? I was just used for your own personal amusement. 'What crazy messed up things can I get her to tell me about her family today?' That's all you really wanted wasn't it? Something to make your own life a little less miserable, to know that there was someone out there who had it a little worse than you did. To know that there was someone out there who was lower on the totem pole. Maybe I should have never moved to Illinois! Would you have been happy then? Hell! What would have cared, you wouldn't have known me at all then!"

"Amy…Amy maybe you're not seeing things clearly right now." Kellie tried to reason. "Maybe we should step outside and get some fresh air?" She reached out to touch my arm.

"No!" I pulled away. "No Kells. For once dear ole' Benny is coming in loud and clear! He never considered me a part of his family. I was never his sister. Did your mom make you do it?" I asked him. " 'Be nice to her Benjamin. She's had a hard life.' Is that what she whispered to you at the airport? Don't think I couldn't see it. I tried to deny it. I even convinced myself it wasn't true, that I was making more out of then I should. But deep down I think I always knew. God the whole damn town knew my story! And everywhere I went the looks I would get. Looks full of pity and disgust! But I never thought you'd be one of them!" The tears were flowing now; I couldn't stop them.

"Well I'm sorry." I continued. "I'm sorry I ever intruded; but I won't anymore. I'll just walk out that door and never interfere with your life again, if that's what you want." I took his silence as a confirmation.

"Ben, say something." Jackson almost pleaded.

"No, it's ok Jackson. He doesn't have to say anything." I backed away slowly but briskly walked to Ben's bedroom. I began to throw all of mine and Kellie's things into our bags, not even bothering to properly pack them.

"Me-Me, are you ok?" Kellie asked softly. What kind of question was that?

"Just help me pack." I responded. Kellie immediately began to throw things in a bag as well.

"You girls can't leave tonight." Jackson said as he walked in. "Neither of you are fit to drive, and Amy I really think you should take a moment to think about this."

"I'm fine Jackson." It hurt to say his name now; I knew I could never seem him again. "Any buzz I had is gone now. Having an epiphany will do that to you."

"I still insist that you stay another night."

"It doesn't look like that's going to happen." Kellie said calmly. She was sober now too. "If it makes you feel any better, we'll get a hotel. We won't drive all the way back to Berkeley."

"Not really, but if that's what I have to take. At least let me drive you."

"You've had more to drink than we have. We'll be fine. I promise." Kellie assured him.

The bags were packed now; it was time to say goodbye. I could feel Jackson watching me, but I couldn't bring myself to look at him. I wanted to remember seeing him through clear eyes and not through eyes filled with tears. I grabbed my bag and my purse and walked past him and out the front door without saying a word. Kellie followed close behind and whispered a few goodbyes. We didn't stop at a hotel that night like she said we would; Kellie drove all the way home.