As Usagi looks around the room, she realizes it dreadfully resembles the mental image she conjured earlier. A circle of chairs, filled with crazy people, who she can envision holding hands, swaying, chanting the Serenity prayer. Minako pulls her into the circle and on a chair beside her, Ami and Makoto filing in to spaces on the opposing side. Curiously, and somewhat apprehensively, Usagi turns to look at the person sitting on the other side of her.
To her utter surprise, her breath simply catches. He really fits the description of the most gorgeous guy she could ever imagine, and he must also be used to being stared at, for he glares heatedly at her for the unwanted attention. Usagi flushes with embarrassment at her own rudeness and turns back toward Minako, poking her gently in the arm to catch her attention. Leaning over, she whispers in her ear.
"Who is that?" The other blonde lets her eyes wander over the boy sitting next to Usagi. She takes in his annoyed expression, the redness apparent across the other girl's face, and a grin instantly touches her lips.
"I detect a crush. That's Sasuke, and he is autistic," Minako reaches around for her handbook, and with a sheepish grin she goes on, "I don't have my book with me, I'll tell you about it later."
"That's okay," Usagi responds, waving off the implication of a crush. Turning straight ahead, she tries to study the boy, Sasuke, as discreetly as possible from the corners of her eyes.
She knows what autism is, the doctors she used to visit routinely as a child worried she had the condition. It entails glorious symptoms like a lack of social or emotional reciprocity, impairment in the ability to initiate or sustain conversations with others, adherence to specific routines or rituals, the list went on and on. Basically, it meant socially inept mixed with a little obsessive compulsiveness, and in cases it made the person a slow learner.
Turns out her doctors were only paranoid, or perhaps not, because she is sitting in a loony bin in a group therapy with something of a messed up life. Sighing, she turns her attentions to the rest of the room and away from Sasuke. Her mind reminds her that autism is a condition workable in a home setting, and that he was probably placed here by uncaring parents, or he had none.
Before she can observe other members of the group, the therapist walks in and greets everyone cheerfully. They all mutter a vague hello back, none too enthused. "Well then, we have one new person here today. Tsukino Usagi, would you please stand and say hello to the group?" Usagi winces as her name is called, and everyone turns in her direction, because obviously she is the new patient.
Grudgingly, the blonde stands and bows, but refuses to say anything before she resumes her seat. The therapist, a woman with dark hair and pretty brown eyes, doesn't seem to mind, for she continues on with the session. "You'll all be pleased to know that Hotaru has made progress this week."
The attention in the room shifts to a petite, onyx haired girl with large violet eyes. Her eyes remind Usagi of a subdued version of Rei's eyes, calm and not fiery with intensity. She wears all black and sinks down in her chair from the stares.
As if on cue, Minako mutters, "Autophobia, the fear of oneself. Hotaru is always afraid she'll hurt those around her. She sees herself as a monster." A monster. Usagi blinks, her eyes travel over Hotaru again. Thin, small, fragile, and trying to sink into her plastic chair; more damsel than monster under any circumstances and the blonde cannot understand.
"I...used the knife at dinner. It was plastic, but...I did use it." Hotaru purses her lips as though unwilling to say anything further. The group praises her, while Usagi sits still. The act of using a knife, a plastic knife, is something to be admired? 'This place is just too surreal.'
"Does anyone else have a breakthrough they would like to share?" The brown eyed therapist asks. Silence reigns in the room. Usagi shifts uncomfortably in her seat. Finally, someone speaks.
"How about me, doc? I didn't punch anyone's lights out all week. I didn't even make Ami cry." Usagi turns toward this new speaker. A young woman, nothing short of beautiful, slouches over her plastic chair with something of a smug smile on her face. In fact, the arrogance sparkles in her deep brown eyes as she stares down the therapist. One jean clad leg is stretched out in the two chairs beside her, and the other is laid out before her. Her figure, petite but womanly, is quite visible in the clingy tank top she's wearing.
"Well, Rin, I would say that's good progress. If you don't cause any problems, you may get some of your privileges back." The therapist still talks with her pleasant tone, but the smile on her face suggests she doesn't believe this possible. Perhaps it's the distrust in her eyes. The young woman, 'Rin', turns toward Usagi as though she senses her gaze and smiles. The twisted smile unnerves the blonde, and she quickly averts her eyes.
"Anyone else?" Usagi decides to call this woman Honey, because her voice is smooth and sweet. Honey smiles and says, "Well, why don't you take a little time to talk among yourselves and then we'll start in some activities."
Minako swivels to share a quiet conversation with Ami, so Usagi stares at her hands dully. Her mind feels cloudy and the blurry hands she keeps staring at are shaking. The heart in her chest seizes with desperation, beats rapid-fire until she has to breathe heavier to keep up. She knows this feeling all too well; more withdraw.
"You. What's your name?" Usagi looks up, slightly dizzy, at the towering raven haired woman named Rin. She stands with her hands on her hips, her boot clad foot tapping impatiently on the hard floors.
"Usagi," the blonde girl answers, aware that Minako has hushed beside her and is trying to listen in. She also remembers Honey announcing her name to everyone. Apparently Rin wasn't listening.
"Usagi," Rin repeats, as though testing the name out. "What's wrong with you? You're shaking."
"Nothing," Usagi clips off. Her teeth close around her bottom lip nervously as Rin's face pinches into a frown. The brown eyed woman gives a glare so fierce that Usagi thinks she might melt into her chair. Then, unexpectedly, she breaks into a half smile.
"I like you," Rin announces, as though it's the declaration of the century, before she turns and returns to the three chairs she was previously occupying. Usagi drops her head in her hand, glad she's gone, because her headache keeps getting worse. Honey calls their attention a few moments later, and splits them into pairs for an art project.
Honey chooses the pairs, and Usagi ends up with a boy. He has messy black hair and green eyes behind his glasses, and the expression on his face is absolutely miserable. "Since the art room is being renovated for the next few weeks, I figured we could do some art in here. Today, I want you to sketch, draw, or paint your partner."
Usagi sighs. Artistic talent had never been a strong point for her. She forces a smile when Honey hands her a sketch pad and pencils on request. Then she turns to her silent partner and offers the same reluctant smile. "Hello, I'm Usagi."
"Um, Harry," the boy responds hesitantly. He chooses paints and sets up his canvas slowly, while Usagi flips open the sketch pad. Trying to ignore her shaking hand and pounding head, she starts to sketch. Bit by bit she shapes his shoulders, neck, chin, cheek bones. She pauses over his eyes, the deep emerald green that move routinely from his canvas to her and back.
Usagi realizes her hand is no longer shaking. Still, her focus is to capture that melancholy essence in Harry's eyes, simultaneously wondering what put it there. Unconsciously she spends the remaining twenty minutes of the session trying to perfect his expression. When she finally lays her pencil down, she looks the work over.
Her talent is still not great, but it does resemble a person. The expression on his face, though, matches exactly with the real thing as Harry examines his own canvas.
"Good job, Usagi." Honey comments from behind her, making the blonde jump. "Nice facial detail."
"Thank you," she responds, watching as the brunette walks over to look at Harry's canvas.
"Wonderful work as usual, Harry. You're very talented." Honey smiles, and squeezes Harry's shoulder before she moves on. Intrigued, Usagi wants to see the canvas as well. Picking up her sketch pad, she moves around the table, not at all surprised when Harry jumps in front of the painting, blocking her view.
"I'll show you mine if you show me yours," Usagi jokes, a small, genuine smile spreading across her face at the cheesy saying. Harry falters, considering the offer, before he slowly nods. With his face somewhat red, he moves from in front of his canvas as Usagi sets the pad on the table. When her eyes travel over the canvas, her breath catches for the second time that day.
The painting is her, of course, standing in the ankle deep waters of a riverbank. She's wearing a white dress, which she holds up with both hands so the hem won't touch the water, and her face wears the same sad expression she'd been trying to sketch on Harry. It is the most beautiful thing anyone had ever done of her.
"Harry it's...it's beautiful." Usagi brushes her fingers lightly against the edges of the canvas, her eyes watery with emotion. She can't believe it, or that he painted it in that half hour of time. The blue eyed girl turns back to Harry and impulsively hugs him. "Thank you so much."
"Er, you're welcome. You can," he pauses, uncomfortable though Usagi already pulled away from him. "You can keep it if you want."
"I'd love it," Usagi smiles, her attention back on the painting. Honey tells them that the session is over, and that they can return to their rooms or other activities. The blonde does go back to her room with the canvas in hand. Rei has already arrived, and Usagi offers a hello while she props the canvas on her dresser.
"Pretty painting," the violet eyed girl comments from her bed. Usagi only nods.
xXx
Usagi walks slowly down the dim hallway, lit only by a couple of lights, in her plush cat slippers. She'd fallen asleep after group therapy, and slept through dinner until now, two in the morning. Now she stops at the nurse station and asks the woman if it's alright for her to be up right now. The nurse, a friendly looking woman with pulled back brown hair and kind blue-green eyes, looks up and nods. Her nametag reads 'Aerith.'
"There are a few other patients awake in the day room, if you would like to join them. Otherwise you have to be in your room." She explains softly. Something in the brunette woman's voice is so sweet and inviting, it warms Usagi down to the core. "I'll inform the nurse doing checks of where you are."
"Thank you," the blue eyed girl turns and walks toward the day room just a ways away. The lights are all on in this room, she can tell because the walls are glass. A precaution, she reasons, so that they can be supervised constantly. Either way, she slides into the room and stops to look at the three people sitting on the other side, around a round table.
The first is a boy with red locks of hair. He looks over as soon as she walks in, his intense, teal hued eyes raking over her whole form. There's a tattoo on his forehead, kanji she recognizes as 'love.' To his right sits a girl no older than eighteen, with bleached blonde hair and blue gray eyes. Her gaze stays on the table, unmoving.
Finally, there is another person to the right of this girl, who Usagi can't decide the gender on. Honey colored hair pulled into a low ponytail, pretty watery brown eyes, and wearing a kimono. Despite obvious signs of femininity, Usagi can't help but think this person is actually male. Realizing she's been standing at the door for a while, she begins to walk over to the three of them.
"May I join you?" She asks quietly, more nervous now that she's standing just in front of the table. The redhead hasn't looked away from her since she entered the room, but he nods his head to her question.
"Please do," the honey haired boy, Usagi quickly decides, says kindly. The blonde drops into the seat between the redhead and this boy, and looks across to the blonde girl who hadn't spoken. She looks like she didn't even notice Usagi join them. "I'm Ritsu."
"Usagi," she responds automatically, smiling at the uneasy boy. When she looks at him, though, he winces and turns away.
"Gaara," the redhead states evenly. This effectively brings her attention to him before she can question Ritsu's reaction. "The girl is Aya."
"Can she speak?" Usagi asks softly, her gaze on the immobile blonde. Gaara nods to this question, as does Ritsu. The latter chooses to explain the situation.
"Aya has post-traumatic stress disorder. It causes her to become catatonic sometimes." Ritsu says. When Usagi turns to him, however, he again bows his head and looks at his hands.
"It doesn't mean she can't speak at all," Gaara says, pulling Usagi's eyes toward him again. Like a defense mechanism, she notes; as though Gaara is trying to keep her from looking at Ritsu for some reason.
"I see. I haven't even gotten a suggestion to what's wrong with me yet." The blonde bites down on her lip uncomfortably after she says this, hoping they don't take it the wrong way. She goes on, trying to save face, "Er, so why aren't you guys in bed? I slept all afternoon."
"I don't sleep. Somniphobia," Gaara is the first answer this time. The confusion on Usagi's face is easy to interpret, so he elaborates. "A phobia is a fear. Somniphobia is the fear of sleep."
"I sleep during the day. Less people see me this way, and I keep Gaara company." The blue eyed girl faces Ritsu again, and winces herself when she realizes her mistake. Softly, he says, "Don't worry, it isn't your fault. I have body dysmorphic disorder. Or at least that's what they tell me. They're really just keeping me locked away because I'm too ugly to look at."
"But Ritsu, you're very handsome! Ah," Usagi falters as her face lights up bright red, reminiscent of Gaara's hair. Ritsu also blushes, but doesn't appear too convinced. Gaara only smirks. "I mean, Ritsu, you certainly aren't ugly." She smiles softly at him.
"You're just saying that," Ritsu responds miserably. Unable to contain herself, Usagi reaches over and places her hand over his, face scrunched in determination.
"I'm not just saying it. We just met and I have no reasons to lie to you. In all honesty, I think you're very handsome," though still blushing, Usagi's expression morphs into a wide grin. Ritsu offers a watery smile back. Even Aya has lifted her head to look between them, a smile on her previously blank face.
"Snack time, everyone!" Aerith enters the room with a bright smile, stealing the attention of everyone present. She approaches the table with a cardboard box, and places it in the center. "I had to hide them again. The daytime nurses keep eating everything for themselves."
"Oh glorious donuts," Usagi cheers with child-like enthusiasm as she snatches up the box of powdered sweets, a truly happy expression on her face. "I haven't had donuts in forever. Thank you!"
"You're welcome." Aerith pulls a chair from the nearest table, and Usagi has to scoot closer to Gaara to give her enough room. She doesn't seem to mind, her main focus is the box of donuts on her hands. Aya is no longer staring at the table. She grabs a bag of chips and begins munching. Gaara, also munching potato chips, appears somewhat amused as Usagi starts shoving donuts in her mouth, coating her fingers and mouth in powdered sugar.
"Do you guys do this every night?" The blonde asks between donuts.
"Yes! Although some nights Gaara falls asleep or I'll have an episode," Aya says cheerfully from across the table. "You're welcome to join us any time, though."
"If we can have donuts all the time, then I'm definitely in," Usagi replies, grinning.
xXx
"Good afternoon, Usagi," the blonde nods in greeting as she sits across from Hatori. She still looks a bit sleepy, but the apprehension of being in her therapy session overshadows it. Hatori allows a moderate pause before he continues, "the night nurse informed me that you joined our nocturnal group last night."
"I felt sick after group therapy, so I went to bed. I woke up around two and Aerith, er, the nurse pointed me there." Usagi explains, even though he didn't ask.
"You felt sick?" Hatori inquires, picking a piece of useful information from the story.
"Yes. Withdraw," is her short, to the point answer.
"You're handling it alright? I can't give you anything while you're going through detoxification."
"I know," Usagi says shortly. She remembers taking the detoxification meds when she first arrived at the loony bin. They stabilize the heart and keep the blood pressure down, helps ease through drug withdraw. Hatori flips through her file, and she starts to wonder if he only does that to look busy.
"I've been reading your file. There's not much on your mother," though he speaks with his usual uninterested tone, Usagi feels like he might as well have yelled at her. She flinches and bows her head until her chin touches her chest. Her eyes scrunch closed and her fingers clench the edge of the chair as she trembles. "Usagi, what happened to your mother?"
"I...ed...er." Hatori leans forward in his chair, the file pushed aside as he observes the girl's reaction. The words are too soft to hear, but she continues to mutter them. Shimmering tears fall from the shadows of her bangs, landing innocently on the back of her hand.
"Usagi, what happened to your mother?" Hatori implores again, standing from his chair and moving around the desk. Usagi emits a whimper, her shoulders trembling violently. "Usagi?"
"I KILLED HER!" The blonde screams. Her hand lashes out toward the stoic therapist, and caught off guard it hits him in the face. He curses, but catches the second arm before it can make contact. A nurse runs in, and stares wide eyed at the thrashing blonde before she calls to the nurse station for a sedative.
The orderly runs in with the syringe, and in moments the blonde's limbs stop flailing. "I killed her. I killed her. I killed her." Usagi's words slur beyond comprehension as she collapses against Hatori. His look remains neutral as he passes the petite girl to the orderly.
"Get her to confinement."
"Jacket?" Hatori shakes his head solemnly, and watches as the orderly hauls the sedated girl from the chair, down the hall to solitary. His stormy eyes turn back down to the open file on his desk, to the picture of the smiling blue haired woman with her hand on her swollen belly.
xXx
Usagi slowly wakes, only to find herself in her worst nightmare. An all white, padded room surrounds her, dully illuminated by moonlight that filters into the high, unreachable windows near the ceiling. There is a cot, a slot on the metal door for tray transfers, a small square window with bars at the top of the entrance. The only thing missing is the jacket.
"Usagi." The blonde freezes when the voice filters in from the hall. The tone is familiar, and she hears the person shift their weight on the other side of the door. Slowly, she crawls over and sits beside the entrance, listening to the person move around.
"Gaara," Usagi recognizes. "Where are Ritsu and Aya?"
"They're in bed. It's five in the morning." Gaara responds flatly. Yesterday, they'd retreated back to their rooms a bit before five so that Aerith could finish her rounds and switch shifts at six.
"I lost a whole day. Not the first time," Usagi chuckles dryly, leaning her head back into the door. She can picture Gaara on the other side; his arms folded as he sat, blank expression, and the dark smudges under his eyes from rare sleep. "When I was little and I couldn't sleep, my Grandma sang me a song. Would you like to hear it?"
The soft voice can barely be heard through the thick metal door. Gaara frowns. He could say that no amount of sleeping pills or warm milk or lullabies can put him to sleep. He could tell her that the only thing that could lull him into slumber was sheer mind and body exhaustion, the inability to keep his eyes open any longer. Instead, he says, "Sure."
Usagi begins softly, her eyes drifting closed as she remembers her grandmother's voice from so many years ago.
Grasping the cool flower petals tightly
I felt as if I saw a break in the clouds
Going on forever
Two dreams
Touching fingertips
Dancing tears on that spring day
I can't find any reason
Soon they will come to a stop
Can I become strong
Someday?
I'll search forever for the sight of a white angel
I know they will fall
Wings that will bring a new me
Take the snowflakes on the wind to the illusory Eden
If I'm here, perhaps I can become accepting
If just a little
There's no such thing as God
But I want to believe in someone
Now still I don't want to grow up
A cherry blossom storm secretly
Back when I smelled purple lilacs
Memories of distant snow
Smoothly covering the ground
Usagi pauses, and smiles. From the other side of the door, she can hear the sound of soft snores. Out of the corner of her eye, she also sees that a box of powdered donuts had been pushed through the tray slot.
xXx
The song is called Oborozuki yo. It's a Japanese lullaby.
Ah, hello. Don't you just love OOC characters? (cuddles Gaara plushie) :3 Hmm, new characters include Aya Mikage from Ayashi no Ceres, Ritsu and Rin from Fruits Basket, Gaara and Sasuke from Naruto, Harry from Harry Potter, and Aerith from Final Fantasy VII. Oh, and there's another that I won't name yet.
Gaara's tattoo does say love, right? I remember reading that somewhere. If it's wrong I'll feel a bit silly. Well, there are a few more characters yet to be introduced. Next time. By the way, all conditions used in the story are real and I don't take them lightly.
Please review.