Chapter 4- Excuses

Monday AM

Almost normal had not come yet. Though her movements were more fluid and less tense, Olivia's face was still flushed. She had tried the proverbial 'make-up', but it only managed to make her somewhat look more ill. After reapplying several different foundations, she stuck with a light shade that blended the blotches better than the others. "Maybe I just need a magic mirror. Oh hell, a fairy Godmother would have a hard time with this face," Olivia spoke softly to herself as she observed the outcome.

16 Precinct

"Feelin' better?" Elliot was sitting a steaming cup on her desk as she walked in.

"Yes, much better, thanks," Olivia answered before taking a sip of the brew. Not wanting to bring any attention to herself, she quickly sat and shuffled through the messages on her desk. He was watching her, she knew. She didn't have to look. Taking a deep breath, she quietly said a prayer to an unknown God that Elliot would not notice anything to cause him any more concern.

"How was your date?"

"What?" She looked up rather confused.

"Your date. You know, antsy and all."

'Oh fuck,' she thought to herself. That's why she hated lying. She never could remember what she ended up saying… until it was too late. "Oh, yea. Forgot I told you. Was good." Pretending to not make it a big thing, she really tried to dive into her work.

"You needed four and a half days, on our weekend?"

"Elliot," she took a deep breathe. She knew she had to stop him now. "It's really none of your business. I know you have work to do. I'm not doing it for you, even if I missed our weekend to work." She hated being that way with him. Lately he had been nothing but kind to her. This whole mess was going to be so hard on her heart and an overall mess on her friendships if she couldn't contain her feelings any better.

"Okay, I get it," Elliot said as he relaxed back into his chair, propping his shoes on his desk. "You don't wanna talk about it, we won't talk about it. We could play charades?" He was using that smug grin on his face to try and play with her, ease the iciness in the air that came in with her, but wasn't from the weather outside.

"Elliot!" Enough was enough. He wasn't going to quit. Olivia, having had more than enough experience with Elliot and his questioning, knew the only way to get him to lay off for the time being. " Look, not here ok," she talked quietly over their desks, thankful that the squad room was still for the most part empty. "We'll have dinner tonight if you want. Just not here." She gave him a straightforward look that told him she was being as wholehearted with him as possible. It seemed to be enough.

"Alright. Dinner it is," he answered, sitting up and lowering his feet once again to the floor. She was being serious. Elliot couldn't help but be content and grateful that she had finally opened up, or so he thought. He gave her a small smile before picking up his phone that began annoying him already.

Olivia couldn't believe what she had done. She was entwining herself deeper and deeper into a mass of lies that would do nothing but blow back up in her face. For now she had to come up with another excuse, or lie, to tell him tonight. The truth being completely out of the question. And Elliot, he always knew when she was lying.

Since it was time for work, and she was a detective, and a rather good one at that, Olivia decided to make use of her skills. She logged on to her computer and set about looking for a real physical ailment that could and would explain her symptoms. Well, the symptoms Elliot had thought she was having. There had to be something. Something simple and ordinary and believable…..something Elliot would keep to himself, yet wouldn't make a big deal of. She had her work cut out for her.

As if that wasn't enough, it seemed at that particular moment everyone from the precinct decided to file into the squad room. It looked as if she wasn't going to be getting a few minutes to do anything without someone noticing. Sometimes the openness of the room allowed for a collaboration of heads, and that was a good thing in their line of work. However, right now Olivia would practically sell her soul for a small private office with a one-key lock on the door. A key best hidden in private places from Elliot.

Somehow, somewhere, she would have to find the time and the privacy for a little web browsing. Whether on her desktop, her cell, or quickly on her laptop at home. Olivia knew the sooner she found an alibi, the quicker her mind would ease and she could relax a little more.

Benson Residence

"So who you doin?"" Olivia would have choked on the hot, cheesy, chicken quesadilla she had just taken a big bite of if she had not already known how blunt Elliot could be.

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me. Your new boyfriend, Antsy." He was fishing. Elliot had not taken long to ask after digging into the Mexican fiesta he had bought over for their dinner.

Olivia wiped her mouth and took a large drink, more to give her a few more seconds of clear thought than to refresh her thirst. "He was just someone I had met at a bar, he asked me out. I don't know why I even said yes to begin with, but I ended up standing him up. Elliot I just got bad vibes or something. Maybe that's why I was so jumpy. I'm sorry." Not bad for a few seconds thought.

"Oh. You told me it went ok," a hint of hurt crossed his brow." After seconds of thought, he spoke again, "Why didn't you call him, Liv?"

"Didn't have his number El. We just agreed to meet back at the bar….so I didn't go. Why do you care?" It wasn't like him to give a shit about any of her dates, especially one she didn't even like.

"Just wondered. Not like you to not call and cancel." Elliot shoved a third of the taco in his mouth, seemingly comfortable with her answers so far. Maybe she could do this after all.

"El, that's not all I need to say." Olivia turned more toward him, slipping in the corner of her sofa. She took a deep breath when she saw she had his undivided attention. "El, I want to apologize for the way I've been acting lately. I know you've been worried…"

"It's okay Liv," he wanted to reassure her so she would continue, although he interrupted.

"Let me finish, huh? You were right. There is something wrong. No, not wrong, just something that's bothering me," she was having a hard time getting the words to come out. "Elliot I didn't want to tell you….I don't want anyone to know….well it's embarrassing for me a little."

Elliot moved over towards her after dropping his dinner on the coffee table. Slipping his hand in hers, he gave her all the reason she needed to continue.

"I saw my doctor last week El. Please don't laugh at me, but I'm officially going through menopause." She let out the breath she had no idea she was holding.

"Why would you think I would laugh at you Liv? I was just worried….you were moody and nervous and just not yourself. Is that why you didn't tell me, you thought I'd laugh?" Elliot kept her hand firmly, but loosely, in his. His eyes swept over her face from her softly highlighted bangs to her plump, moist lips. He would give anything to be able to reassure her with his lips.

"Yea, I guess. I really just wanted to keep it to myself, you know. It's a personal thing. I know my mother went through this early… My doctor says that my symptoms are a little more pronounced than the average woman's… I guess that means I'll be a little more bitchy than the average woman." She looked in his eyes, giving him a small smile. His eyes could always make her smile, no matter how she was feeling. Right now he had no idea how badly she needed to see those eyes of his.

"I'm glad you told me. It will stay between the two of us, I promise. " He watched the rise of fall of her chest now, just above the deep V neck of her shirt. 'Menopause? There's nothing about Liv old,' he thought. Although she knew he was looking, she showed no sign of stopping him.

"I'll try to watch my moods El. Really. This past week, it's that I've just seen my doctor and it's been hard for me to absorb, that's all." Why had it gotten so difficult to look at him? She wasn't really lying. Somewhere in her mind, she knew she was pre-menopausal Her body told her every day.

She just needed to learn to hide her effects from her trysts with Ed Tucker. Her excuse would only go so far and lying to Elliot, no matter how small, would eventually kill her inside. After all, she was already so close to dying after what she had done, and would continue to do. It was only because of Elliot that her heart was still beating. He needed her, even if he had no idea how badly.