Enlightenment is a destructive process. It
has nothing to do with becoming better or being happier. Enlightenment is the
crumbling away of untruth. It's seeing
through the façade of pretense. It's the
complete eradication of everything we
imagined to be true.

Adyashanti

XXXX

Jessie quickly left out of our home after fumbling over what her intentions were in bringing this information out in the open, on the application I didn't once indicate child support. So it was never factored. It meant less income for the amount of home Lori had her eyes on.

It was the reason for filing our taxes separately. I was concealing that information from her.

This I reminded myself will be the revealing, mask taken off.

"I knew you were having an affair Rick. What I didn't know was that you fathered a child from it."

"Twins. Abigail and Judith. They are three years old." I wanted to be completely honest with Lori.

Lori was silent. Unmoving. I wasn't sure what she was thinking or how she was processing what I was telling her. I needed to unburden myself because I have been without my girls two months too long. I had no idea where Michonne ran off too and she promised me she would not run off with the girls. She respected that I had rights. Rights she knew I wouldn't exercise fully unless I exposed myself to Lori for the imposter I become in my own home.

"When we started out it wasn't anything serious. I mean, not at first it wasn't. I had this need that wasn't getting met here, so I had it met elsewhere." I had no idea why I said that last part to Lori and I half expected her to spit something out but she was silent. The silence was making the whole thing in my head that I practice seem so out of place because she wasn't following a script. She wasn't following the script I had in my head. "Are you going to say anything?"

"I am waiting for you to finish." Lori replied.

"I need to know what you are thinking?" I stood before Lori not sure how naked I should become. How much she was really ready for me to reveal to her.

"I am thinking when are you going to finish."

"You knew I was having an affair why didn't you say anything? Something?"

"Because I wanted to see how much you would lie. I wanted to see what great lengths you would go to deceive and trust me Rick you went to very great lengths."

"I still don't understand why you didn't say anything?"

"Would it have mattered?"

Now I was silent. Unmoving as I listened.

"You smelled of her when you came home to me. You didn't even have the decency to shower most times. You wreaked of her. You were no longer the man I married. You were distracted, annoyed, angry, and a fucking perv. I saw you masturbating in the living room when you thought I was asleep. You were talking to her on the phone! Not your first phone sex session that I crept up on. The constant texting. Taking your phone every fucking where with a lock code. Coming home late, a few times you came in before the crack of dawn. I may have cancer but I still have common sense and more decency then you ever will."

There it was, I was waiting with abated breath for Cancer to be somewhere in Lori's monologue.

"I can't continue a marriage with such deception Rick. I need you to leave."

I heard my dismissal and took it that I did not need to provide any further admission nor omission. I didn't have to admit who the woman was and I didn't have to tell Lori that I did love the other woman. I wasn't going to fight the divorce nor was I going to prolong it.

I walked into the bedroom and packed my bags. I took off my wedding band and placed it in the dish that was on the dresser.

"So it's that easy for you Rick? It's that easy to walk out on me when I have cancer?"

There it was again. I needed to leave. I needed the tumor that metastasized before my very eyes removed quickly when realized I was the walking tumor. I couldn't do this any more with Lori. I was at my breaking point in that moment. I was shattering in a thousand pieces. Me leaving the home was going to be my cure. I wanted to live. I knew right then Lori was trying to kill us both. My happiness did not hinge with hers it hinged with a woman who wasn't answering my calls. Who wasn't responding to my text and I had no fucking idea if my girls were okay.

"You are really trying to sabotage my chances at promotion by springing this shit on me Rick. The job that I wanted opened up two months ago. The job they filled three and a half years ago could possibly be mine. I have a third interview and now this shit?"

I paused my packing wondering if Lori knew all along who the other woman was. Her eyes were pleading taking my hesitation as a reconsideration.

"Lori, did you just forget what you just said in the other room?" I was dumbfounded. "I am still that man. Nothing has changed. You described me to a T. I would not shower because I still wanted to smell her on me. I stopped being your husband the moment I couldn't stop being with her and not because you would have told me to stop but because I didn't want to stop. I was distracted because I wanted to be with her and I still fucking do. I am annoyed to come home to the constant load that never seems to lighten up for me Lori and it makes me angry that it has got to the point where it is expected. So me becoming a perv that would be exactly as you would see things from your perspective. You never could see me as a man who had fucking needs that didn't center around you. I needed intimacy with sex. I needed to be touched that included ejaculating in a hand , mouth and or vagina...and don't get to freaky and speak of another area where it could be done. Sometimes that was all I needed and then maybe I wouldn't resent all the shit that is on my shoulders to do. I didn't need a pat on the back I needed SEX and I was finally able to get it and eventually it became more and then she got pregnant. I was there for their birth and I plan to be there when they graduate college and get married. I am going to have to do a lot of fucking groveling and ass kissing before she will even acknowledge that I am in the same damn room with her but I am ready to do it. I plan to make it up to this woman that I kept on the back burner because I thought I was suffering from cancer too."

XXXXXX

A/N: I wanted to take Rick to a place where he actually went there with his wife. He told her exactly how it was for him and for us readers to know what his struggles were as he dealt with his infidelity. Sometimes as women we ask for details but do we really want to know? That is the question I am asking. I guess from this glimpse of Rick.