"Alright, ladies and gentlebeasts, here we are with the second round of Redwall Fanmail!" announced Kelaiah the skinny ferret.
"But first, before our duo comes out, I would like to introduce you all to a certain friend of mine whom I know off of Deviantart. May I present to you, Cole the . . . the . . . er. . . ." he trailed off, and suddenly whispered to his companion, "Hey, do you have a title or something? I can't remember if you do."
The genet ex-warlord leaned over to the skinny (and in his opinion, middle-class-dressed) ferret and whispered back "Warlord is fine, but you may call me by my full name, Cole Ruth."
"Well," said Kelaiah. "Since this site is about simply calling each other by our pennames or by the names of our alter egos, I shall simply just call you Cole the Warlord, eh? Sound good?"
Before the genet could answer, the ferret was gabbling on.
"Now, to those of you who don't know what a genet is, I'm sure Cole here will give you a bit of detail of what he is, like what family he's from (as in the mustelid family or cat family or something like that, for example). But aren't they a cute breed?"
Cole's face turned to an annoyed expression, involving laid back ears, an angry frown and a slight glare. "Why do I have to explain my kind all the time!? Don't beasts or hu-mons or whatever they are called these days have something called 'google' to look up these kinda things!?"
The small, spotted genet then sat for a moment in silence with the same look . . . until he suddenly made a surprised gagging sound and took up an aggressive tone at Kel.
"Did you just call my kind CUTE!? Low class ferret!" He jumped on top of his chair and pointed a claw inches before the ferret's face. "We are genets! Feared warlords of the unknown and shadows! NEVER call us cute!"
After yet another moment of silence, Cole suddenly realized that he had exploded in a rather undignified manner in the presence of a entire crowd . . . and on a site that was a lot like national TV. He slowly sat down with a slightly embarrassed look on his face.
Kelaiah stared, rather taken aback at Cole's outburst, but he quickly recovered and cleared his throat, turning back to the reader.
"Ahem, anyway, dear reader . . . yes, I suppose if you want to know what a genet is . . . well, like Cole said, google it." He finished with a weak smile. Then he coughed.
"Ahem. Well. Anyway . . . our next Redwall duo is Laterose of Noonvale, and Badrang the Tyrant. Say hi, you guys!"
The two said creatures were in the doorless, windowless room that Ublaz and Rasconza had once occupied, each sitting at the end of the table with a laptop facing them so they could answer their fanmail/emails.
"Hello, Kelaiah," smiled Laterose, or simply Rose.
Badrang, however, snorted. "Can't believe I was actually dragged into this. What'd I do to deserve this?"
At that, Rose brought out a sledgehammer and slammed it into the stoat's head. But he didn't die, as he would have under different circumstances, but rather got quite a nasty headache (that was quickly cured by some aspirin and water supplied by Kel's lazer).
"Ah, now I remember," Badrang said, glaring at the mousemaid he so callously murdered. Stupid stoat.
"Hey!" objected Badrang. "Martin ended up killing me in the end and all, and if it wasn't for me, Mossflower would've been enslaved by Tsarmina and Redwall Abbey never would've been built-"
"Are you actually saying that you've got a heart?" said Rose, raising her eyebrows at the stoat.
"What?" asked Badrang, blinking.
"You're expressing concern over others and remorse at the thought of Redwall Abbey never being built-"
"Shut up!" shouted Badrang.
"DON'T TELL HER TO SHUT UP!" ROARED MARTIN, WHO CHARGED OUT OF NOWHERE - but was then transported back to wherever he came from.
"Nobeast is allowed inside the fanmail room unless I bring them there!" hollered Kelaiah. "Ahem, anyway, but yeah, Badrang. Don't tell Rose to shut up!"
"Hmph!" was all Badrang said while Rose smirked.
Cole shook his head and pointed his thumb-claw at Kelaiah as he looked at the reader with a grin on his face. "You may think that clicker laser of his is cool and you wanna use it to solve all your problems, but if you saw his energy bill than you would know without a doubt why I'm here in the first place. To keep him from being bankrupt and unable to keep these shows up!"
Badrang rolled his eyes and blew out a loud sigh. "Oh hellgates! Better drop off to a commercial break, Kelly, before cheapskate here goes all righteous on all of us about the economy." (Badrang made sure to say 'Kelly' out loud to get back at the ferret for the 'stupid stoat' comment.)
"Cheapskate!?" shouted the insulted genet ex-warlord. "There ain't no shame in saving up a coin, you fluff-ball you!"
Badrang shouted back, "Oh please! If any viewer out there looked up the word 'cheap' on that googley thing, your face would be the first thing they see!"
"Would not!"
"Would too!"
"WOULD NOT!!"
"WOULD TOO!!"
"Alright stoat. Tell me the many things that make me such a 'cheapskate.'"
Badrang caught onto Cole's mistake and would very soon make the genet regret it.
"You hired Little Redd and Vitch as your first security guards just because you could pay them the lowest and most minimum wage! You didn't even hire your OWN tribal guards that worshiped and protected you your entire life when you still had one!"
"Hey! Those two looked like they could go places in that job area! . . . and my guards and army went on strike!"
Badrang continued. "A when you got angry at Reynard Chopsnout, instead of paying the extra coins to hire Farran to poison him, you hired Veil instead!"
"Hey! It worked! The fox had the runs and puked randomly for hellgates knows how long and even afterwards the Dirgecallers STILL followed his hind end around for months!"
Rose sputtered a little and giggled slightly at the genet's reply, putting a paw to her mouth as she did. "Ewwww."
Badrang rolled his eyes a second time before he finally spoke of Cole's BIGGEST act of cheapness and coin-picking. "You once BEAT up a dibbun because he simply bent over to pick up a bronze coin!"
"Hey! I HATE kids so that does not count! Besides, that dibbun was Dwopple, and he NEEDED to get beat up, and badly! Anyway, how do you even know half of this stuff I've done!? Get a damn life outside of mine!"
Badrang retaliated against the genet's bad attitude. "You do it out where everybeast can see you slobberchops!"
"Hey! Don't call me that, you blisterin' barnacle you!" (The words 'blistering barnacle' were more than likely censored due to them being Redwall curse words.)
"You creepy looking-"
"Fat muzzled-"
"Jelly spined-"
"Saggy faced-"
"Freak Show!"
"I'll stick my footpaw so far up your tail that you'll cough up fur!"
Badrang jumped up from his chair and roared out very loudly, "BRING IT!"
Kel was initially enraged at Badrang calling him 'Kelly', but was quickly distracted by the word-battle between the two warlords (and was soon surprisingly amused).
However, the ferret's mood switched from amused to alarmed when both stoat and genet charged one another - and Kel was soon very grateful for his lazer's ability to tie up beasts.
Within moments, Badrang and Cole were tied up like how Ublaz and Rasconza had been in the previous chapters: straps wrapped tightly around them with holes for their ears, eyes, noses, and tails.
"Phew! That was a close one," the ferret breathed. Taking on a sterner tone, Kel stood over the two raging retired warlords. "Now listen, you two. I specifically stated that there will be no killing each other off BEFORE the fanmail is answered. As soon as all the fanmail comes in and Rose and Badrang answer them, THEN you can kill each other, okay?"
Both stoat and genet struggled wildly against their bonds, but found that feat to be impossible. They found they had no other choice but to obey. And so, they nodded, though without much enthusiasm.
"Right," said Kel, releasing them. However, at the same time, both he and Cole disappeared to the place where Kel had went while Ublaz and Rasconza had opened their mail.
Badrang slowly got up and sat back down in his chair.
Rose was sitting silently, trying not to laugh.
The stoat shot a dangerous glance at her. "Don't say it. Just DON'T say it."
Rose, straining to hold her laughter in, made a face that said, "Hey, I'm not saying anything."
The warlord snorted, but then settled for just waiting for the fanmail to come.
Cole was glaring at the ferret before speaking through gritted teeth. "Don't you ever use that thing on me again. . . ." Suddenly the genet cheered up and with a smug grin on his muzzle, slightly leaned over to the ferret and finishes his sentence with: "Kelly!"
Kel roughly blew out his nose at being called the hated nickname, but oddly didn't go into a killing rage as usual (but don't get it into your heads that that meant he was getting used to it, people). And with that, the fanmailing started.
Disclaimer: I do not own Cole, he is property of Cole the Coywolf from Deviantart.
For those of you who are curious about what Cole looks like, here's the description he gave me:
A genet with nice dark green eyes. Being a warlord who had once been worshiped by tribal beasts in tree-top villages, he wore shirts of velvet or silk material (often embroidered with gold and silver stitch), all of the colors of dark tropical forests: green, brown, black, dark purple and Tyrian purple (he liked wearing the last color along with dark tropical green often), and on special occasions he wore white.
He also had thick, but small gold earrings on each ear, and wore many different necklaces of many metals. Sometimes he wore pawrings, but never tailrings though. In battle, he often wore a breastplate or studded leather armour.
When it came to weapons, he used many, being notable for being an average shot with a bow, a very good shot with a cross bow and blow gun, okay with a spear, and during his encounters with badgers. He often used caltrops and venom-dipped weapons. He also had a long Stiletto as a backup weapon when everything else was spent.
His most notable weapon was a vicious tomahawk and a wicked curved sword which he would use in two-pawed combat.
Strangely, though, despite always wearing expensive clothing, his weapons were never decorated or made of valuable material in any way: plain and simple. Except for his leather armour though, which had golden studs.