Clenched Fists
Part Four: Guarded
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"I don't want you."
Cloud frowned. It was better like this. Better to be hated. Better to be left alone. Wasn't it? Besides, hedidn't want Reno. He wanted…
Zack laughed. "Come on, Cloud. We won't get in trouble."
"But…Zack…" Cloud bit his lip. "It's against the rules."
"Sure it is," Zack threw a strong arm around Cloud's shoulders, his eyes gleaming with pleasure and mischief. "But…don't forget. We've got Reno. He can get into anything without getting caught. So, what do you say?"
Cloud looked up at Zack uncertainly, but he couldn't help but smile at the light in Zack's eyes. "Alright," he said. "I'm in."
Zack. Cloud remembered now. It didn't matter what he wanted anymore, if it ever had. All that mattered was…
Cloud clenched his fists. He was alone, alone in the church, and it was so quiet, so terribly, terribly quiet. He remembered the feel of Reno's hands, the way his heart had been beating—it resonated within him. He didn't want to give that up.
But he already had.
And it was better to be hated.
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Cloud Strife was a moron. A whiny, depressed moron who didn't know what he wanted and didn't have a clue how to let go of anything. Reno wasn't sure why he wanted anything to do with the kid, really. And Cloud was still a kid, despite his age. That was pretty clear at this point. I want you. I don't want you. I need you. I don't want anything to do with you. What the hell was Strife's problem, anyway?
Reno snarled and stuffed his hands into his pockets as he made his way down the street.
I don't want you.
Spinning abruptly, Reno slammed his fist against the wall of some nondescript ruin of a building that stretched out along the sidewalk, gasping out its last breaths. The building shuddered beneath the blow, and Reno winced at the bleeding ache in his knuckles. They were scraped raw, he was sure. But he didn't care. What the hell, man? He knew…he could have sworn…
"Reno…I don't want you."
Reno blinked. He shook his head, swallowing nervously. "What?"
"I don't want you."
"No." Reno shook his head again. "You…we…"
"It was just sex," Cloud shrugged, his unblinking gaze fixed on the floor. "People do it all the time, right?"
"Yeah, but…I mean…" Reno cleared his throat, struggling to get the words out. "Cloud…"
"Thanks. For what you did, I mean. But there wasn't anything more to it than that."
Reno laughed. "You can't be serious."
Cloud just shrugged.
Reno stood. He wouldn't cry. He hadn't cried since he'd been a kid, and he sure wasn't gonna start now. Not over Strife. "All right, man," he turned to leave. "I'll be around…if you want me."
Reno snorted. He still wouldn't cry. He might have been tempted if he'd believed a word of the bullshit Cloud had been spewing. It hadn't been just sex. Hell, it hadn't even been sex, not really. And the way Cloud had been acting, how needy he'd been. Like a real human being. The way Cloud had clung to him…and the dreams…
No. Cloud wanted him just as much as he wanted Cloud. It was just that Cloud was an idiot. And it was definitely something for Reno to be calling someone else stupid. Reno spun around and leaned back against the wall, ignoring the ominous creaking of the faded wood. He shouldn't have left the church. That had been a stupid move. He'd had Cloud there, alone, in a readymade confrontation. He could have put an end to everything right then, but he'd just been so pissed off.
There he was, drooling and practically confessing his love for Cloud, and Cloud had just…blown him off. Cloud had lied to him. Rejected him. Reno laughed. He deserved it. He knew he did. He'd done some pretty damn shitty things in the past, after all, and Cloud didn't have any reason to forgive and forget. Still. That wasn't an issue with them. Cloud had made that perfectly clear, at least. And if it wasn't the whole "kill Zack, execute Avalanche, and drop the Sector Seven plate" thing…what was it?
Reno glanced back in the direction of the Cetra girl's church. He looked up at the sky. Hey, babe. He laughed softly. I guess you don't think too much of me, huh? I didn't give you anything to think much of though. Kidnapping…vandalism… Yeah. Guess we ended up on one really twisted foot, flower girl. Aerith, right? Yeah. Aerith. Well, Aerith…I'm sorry about that shit. I could really use some help down here right now. Reno cleared his throat and cocked an eyebrow. "That is…if you want to try that whole healing-Cloud-from-beyond-the-grave thing again. Only…" he tilted his head to the side and smiled. "I won't lie to you and tell you it's all for him, babe. I'm too much of a selfish bastard for that. No, I want him. For me." Stretching his arms up toward the clouds, Reno closed his eyes, not even caring that there were people walking down the opposite side of the street, staring wide-eyed at him. But I promise I'll take good care of him.
Reno dropped his arms and opened his eyes. Nothin' like talking to a dead girl to clear your mind. He didn't feel angry anymore. He felt sad and a little bitter. But he also felt determined. He shoved himself away from the wall, stuffing his hands into his pockets.
It was time to go back to the church.
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Reno walked ahead of them.
Well, it was more like…stalked. He was silent, stealthy. Almost slinky. Cloud was fascinated. Even Zack didn't move like that.
"Fun to watch, isn't he?"
Cloud jumped slightly and glanced over at Zack. Zack, who was leaning in close, so close, to his side. Cloud nodded. "How does he do that? It's like he's everywhere at once."
Zack shrugged. "He's a Turk. They're trained for stealth, and Reno's the best they've got. It's like he has…spider-blood or something."
Cloud smiled. Spider-blood. He liked that. "He is fun to watch."
"Yeah," There was a guarded, possessive gleam in Zack's eyes as he looked at Cloud. "Just don't watch too close, Spikey."
Cloud leaned in closer to Zack, pressing in against Zack's shoulder for the briefest of instants. "You know I wouldn't do that."
"No," Cloud whispered, kneeling in middle of the circle of lilies, breathing in their silent scent. "I love you, Zack. I would never do that to you." He looked up at the ruined back wall of the church, at the gaping hole in the ceiling that weakened the structure of the building but allowed the flowers to thrive. "I miss you. I don't…"
Cloud gasped. There were hands on his chest. Strong arms that wrapped around him from behind, lips that pressed against his neck, just below his left ear. He tried to jerk forward, but he couldn't seem to make his body move. His body didn't want to move. He knew those hands, those slinking movements, everywhere and nowhere all at once. "Reno…"
"So you love Zack, huh?" It was a whisper, a breath of hot air against Cloud's skin, and he bit back a moan. The hands moved in, drawing down the zipper of his sweater, slowly, slowly, just barely tracing the skin beneath with the tips of long, slender fingers. Half-skirt unbuckled, belt unclasped. Button popped, zipper drawn down, and still Cloud didn't move, didn't struggle. He only breathed and leaned his head back against Reno's shoulder, needing, needing. Needing so much. Reno laughed softly. "I can live with that. I already kinda figured, anyway. I mean, you can't not love him, huh? He was a beautiful man, wasn't he?"
"Yeah. He…"
"He loved you too, you know. I could see it in his eyes when he looked at you." Reno laughed, and his hands slid down, down, down until they were inside Cloud's pants, and Cloud did buck this time, but he wasn't trying to get away. "I was jealous of that. Jealous of you, jealous of him." One hand pressed flat against Cloud's skin, just between the bones of his hips, holding him in place. The other…the other wrapped tight around him, squeezing and gripping, and Cloud was hard, so very, very hard. He wondered for a second if it was another dream, but then Reno's hand was moving and Reno's satisfied breathing was feathering against his ear, and Cloud knew no dream could ever feel this good. A long lick just behind his ear, and Reno was laughing again. "You two were so close. I wanted what you had. Him. You. I wanted it."
Cloud's arm slid back, his hands fisting themselves in the rumpled fabric of Reno's jacket. He closed his eyes. He shook his head even as his hips strained upward, rocking themselves into Reno's grip. "No…"
"Yes. That's what the drinking was about, yo. Or didn't you know? To drown it out. You. Him. Everything. I was a Turk. I couldn't have what you had." His hand moved faster, sliding, pulling, guiding. It wasn't rough, wasn't desperate, and his other hand slid upward, ending in a pressing caress against Cloud's bare chest, just over his pounding heart. "I had a job to do."
Cloud shook his head again. "No…"
"It's okay, yo," Reno soothed. He tightened his grip slightly, very slightly. He could feel Cloud getting close, and he wanted it softer this time. He wanted it to be about pleasure and not about need. "I told you. I can live with all that." He nipped at Cloud's ear and slid his hand across Cloud's chest, brushing his fingers against sweat-slick skin, a sharp collarbone, a rapidly tightening nipple. "Just…don't let it be the end. Let me do this for you. Let me love you like he did."
Cloud moaned, thrusting, thrusting into Reno's grip. So tight, so good. He was going to get there. He knew he was going to get there. Let me do this for you. Cloud nodded. "Please," he whispered. Please do this for me. It felt like he was breaking but staying in one piece, like the shattering was all on the inside and it was a good shattering, so, so good. Let me love you like he did. Cloud's eyes snapped open and he jerked forward, scrambling on his hands and knees away from Reno, turning around to kneel in a tense crouch on the far side of the lily patch. Better to be hated. Better that way. He shook his head. "I can't."
"Shit, Cloud," Reno sank down to his knees, crushing a couple of yellow flowers as he fell. His hands felt so empty, so cold. He stared at Cloud, almost unable to speak. "Why not? Why can't you just let me care of you."
Cloud only bit his lip, his gaze caught by the flowers, whispering softly back and forth in their sacred bed. His body throbbed and ached, and his hands were trembling as he clenched them in his lap. But he still didn't answer.
"Zack doesn't have to be the end, does he?" Reno pleaded, crawling forward through the flowers, scattering petals as he went. He stopped a few feet in front of Cloud, one hand stretched out in front of him. "I know you were in love with him, but…"
Cloud shook his head. Bit his lip.
"Cloud…"
Cloud looked up. Hesitated. But then he crawled forward, just a step, just a step. He stretched out his hand, sucking in a breath as his fingers touched Reno's. "Zack…" Cloud swallowed thickly. "He didn't love me."
Reno's fingers shook. "What?"
"He was in love with you."