It isn't as long as I wanted but things are going to be REALLY crazy the next couple days. I had chapter on my laptop and I wanted to at least get something up for you guys so I figured a shorter chapter was better than none at all. I most likely wont be able to post for a couple days. This story or Suddenly Someone. Sorry. :c(
Disclaimer: I do not own Law and Order SVU or any of its characters. This was written for fun not profit. They belong to Dick Wolf.
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Chapter Four
As I climb the stairs of her apartment building, I can feel myself once again becoming consumed with this unknown fear. It flows deep within me, and grows stronger as my foot collides with each and every step. As I begin to pound on the door I can feel my heartbeat echoing in my ears, and I am starting to question if I should have come. However, only one thought remains clear to me as the door opens, and I see her standing before me. It is the only thing that has remained certain to me since I left my apartment.
Without words, without warning, I fall. I collapse inside her arms and hold onto her tighter than I ever could of imagined. She doesn't say anything, she just holds me back. No tears are falling. No words are being spoken. I don't even think I am breathing. I just hold onto her because right now I fear that if I let go I truly will shatter. I don't know who I am anymore. I am so lost and confused about everything, everything except this. She is the only thing I am sure about in my life anymore. I lost my wife of over twenty years because I wasn't willing to give up a career that some days I can't even stand. My kids wont speak to me because they are angry with me for failing to work things out with their mother. I lost my own mother just as I had regained a shred of hope that we could possibly develop a real relationship with one another. I have completely lost who I am.
I am no longer a husband. I am no longer a father. I am no longer a son. I am nothing.
Finally, after what had to be minutes of silence she tries to pull away from me. I don't know why but as soon as she does, I feel all of that panic and fear resurface instantly. I grab hold of her again and silently beg for her not to let me go. I am so fragile right now, and I need for her just to hold me together. I don't understand it, but for some reason the only thing that makes the pain go away is her.
She is my reinforcements. She is the extra armour that I so desperately need.
She doesn't let go.
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We have been standing in her entryway for over fifteen minutes, and not once has she said a word. She hasn't tried a second time to pull away. She just holds me. Usually I would question her succumbing to my needs so easily, but right now it doesn't matter to me. All that matters is that in all of this darkness surrounding me lately I still have a tiny ray of light to help guide me back to who I was before. I still don't quite understand why it is illuminating off of only her, and honestly I don't care. I just know that at this moment she is the only constant variable in my life, and if this light goes out like the others did, I will be lost forever in darkness. I can't lose her too.
I finally after another minute or so gain the courage, and attempt to move away for her. However it is her now who pulls me back into her arms. I know that it is her way of silently reassuring me that I don't have to let go, and I am glad she did it. A part of me isn't ready to let go just yet.
"Thank you."
A minute later I once again begin to move away from her hold, and she timidly begins releasing her hold back on me. As she pulls away she looks into my eyes, and I swear I can see straight into her soul.
"Are you okay?"
I turn around and place my hand on the door knob to leave, turning only my head around to speak to her as I do. Someone needs to know, and I need to say it, and as the words roll of my tongue it is nothing but a hopeless whisper....
"No."
She doesn't say anything. Her lips form into a sad smile, and she simply nods, while placing her hand on my shoulder to reinforce that she is there for me. It is the most I am able to admit right now, and she knows this, but she is reminding me she is here for when I am ready to talk. I only hope she is willing to deal with me in the mean time because I honestly have no idea when that is going to be. Right now I feel like I will never have the courage to open up to her, even though every part of me wants to.
She removes her hand from my shoulder and begins to walk away. Without taking my hand off of the doorknob I turn around to face her.
"Liv?"
She stops dead in her tracks, and abruptly turns back around. It is only then that I notice the tears in her eyes. I have only seen Olivia cry three times in the the past year, and all of those times it was because she was crying for me.
"Yeah El?"
I know that I am not ready to talk about it, but I also know that I am not ready to leave either. I need her, and she needs to know she can help me. Thinking back to the note that brought me here in the first place, I once again find a smile making its way across my face.
"You really don't like Titanic?"
Her laughter fills the room and almost immediately I follow suit. I honestly can't remember the last time I have laughed like this. Before I know it I am once again moving towards her and I embrace her in another hug. As the laughter begins to subside I find myself tightening my grip around her, and when I speak I know she can hear my voice breaking. Fighting to hold back my own tears.
"Don't let me go Liv. I am barely holding on. I can't do this alone."
"I'll never let go El. I'll never let go."
I can't help but chuckle a bit at her obvious choice of words, and I am eternally grateful to her for it. I don't think I could handle anything else right now and I could use a few laughs. I once again pull away from her, and when my eyes meet hers, I for the first time in a very long time, begin to feel that maybe, just maybe, the smallest glimmer of hope remains within me. That all of my faith has not yet died.
"Do you think it would be okay if I hung out for a little while longer? I know it is late but I am not really ready to go home yet."
Her smile says it all.
"Stay as long as you need El." She pats me lightly on the arm and turns to walk into her living room. Half way there she stops and turns around facing me with a smile. "Come on, lets watch a movie. I don't own such a fine classic as Titanic, but perhaps we can find something."
"I am never going to live that down am I?"
"Nope."
"Just to let you know it is Lizzie's DVD, not mine. She use to make me watch it with her when she was sick."
"Sure El. Whatever you say."
Shaking my head in defeat I follow her lead into the living room. I make my way over to the couch and sit down as she heads over to flip through her DVD case. As I watch her flipping through the pages of movies I suddenly begin to feel that maybe God hasn't forgotten me completely. Maybe her coming over this afternoon was Him answering my prayers from early this morning. Maybe she is what will guide me back to finding myself again.
If that is the case though, then why is it so hard for me to talk to her?
I am broken from my thoughts as my stomach makes this unmistakable grumbling noise that both of us hear loud and clear. I quickly place my hands over my empty stomach and look up at her only to be met with a very unhappy expression on her face.
"Elliot when was the last time you ate?"
I wonder if I should be honest and tell her my only meal today was two shots of scotch and yesterday I only ate half an apple? That probably wouldn't be the best idea though. As I sit here and try to figure out what to tell her, my lack of an answer must have answered her, because before I know it she is picking up her cell phone and starts to dial.
"Yes, I'd like to place an order for delivery please....Benson....Yeah, can I have a large pie..... pepper and onions......Yeah, a side order of mozzarella sticks and do you still have that garlic dipping sauce?.....okay great I'll take that....no that is all.....1446 8th Street Apt 4J.....thank you."
She hangs up and sits down next to me on the couch with a smile once again lighting up her face.
"Pizza will be here in fifteen minutes."
"I am paying for the pizza Liv."
"No you're not. My treat."
"Liv, you already unpacked my boxes, cleaned and decorated my apartment, oh and lets not forget you bought food to fill my empty fridge and pantry. Please, let me at least pay for the pizza."
She must see in my eyes all of the guilt I have for all she is doing for me, because without a further argument, she nods in agreement.
"Good. So how about that movie?"
"We don't have to watch a movie if you don't want to Elliot. We can do something else if you want."
"Like what?"
She shifts to face me, bouncing up on the couch to sit with her legs folded underneath her and placing her arm across the top of it.
"I don't know. Did you have anything in mind?"
I know what she is trying to do, and I can't help but give her credit for trying.
"I am still not ready to talk Liv."
"I didn't say you had to. I was just asking what you wanted to do."
The look on her face tells me she knows she got caught, but I also know she wont push me either. I repeat her actions from a second ago, moving myself to face her on the couch.
"Honestly?"
She nods.
"I would kill for a nice cold beer right now. Just one beer. No liquor."
Squinting her eyes and pouting her lips at me she gets up slowly from the couch and begins to walk towards the kitchen. Before she steps through the doorway I hear her call out to me.
"One beer El. That's it okay?"
I try to resist the sarcasm, but I can't help it.
"Yes, mother."
I regret the words as soon as I see the look that appears on Olivia's face. It is one I have never seen her give me before. She is pleading with me. She is scared. I get up from the couch, and make my way over to her, placing my hand lightly on her shoulder and looking directly into her eyes.
"Liv, I promise you, no more shots, no more binge drinking sessions alone in my apartment. I can't do that to you. I didn't...I wasn't thinking before about what it could do to you, let alone myself. I am sorry. I just, I've been so lost Liv. I didn't.." I hang my head down to the floor because facing her now will truly break me. "I felt like I didn't have any other way to escape. I needed a way to escape."
"You could of called me Elliot. I am here for you. Don't you know that?"
"It isn't that simple Liv. I wish it was. Believe me, I wish I could tell you everything that is bothering me. I wish I could talk to you about all these thoughts I have going on in my head. About these emotions that are taking over my body, but I can't. I don't even know those answers myself. I don't know what is wrong with me. Most of the time it is hard for me to even leave the apartment. There is just so many things going on in my head at one time that I can't figure out what exactly is bothering me. I am loosing control of my thoughts and emotions. I am slipping away from myself more and more each day, and I hate who I am becoming. I feel so lost and broken that I don't think I can ever be put back together. I don't know who I am anymore and....."
Just then the sound of the buzzer cuts me off, and I can't help but thank God for the escape. I fear that if I start now, I wont be able to stop, and the look of concern on Olivia's face right now makes me want to hide away forever.
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TBC
So what did you guys think? Lots more to come. I will TRY and post again soon.
PLEASE review. I really look forward to seeing what people think of this and all my other writings. It honestly motivates me to keep going. I mean, why bother taking the time to write if no one is going to read it?