Chapter 4: Fast Times at Midwich Elementary
Henry and the Comedian were find themselves in an hall. A small pack of demon children shambled up to them and did that stupid groaning sound. You know, the 'mgyoyah' sound that sounds kinda like they're burping, but not really. Henry pulled out his pistol and took aim at one of the children, but before he could fire, the Comedian blew the thing to pieces with a lever-action rifle, and, even when it ceased to alive, continued to blast it. Soon he was out of ammo.
'Geez, calm—' Henry began, but the Comedian had already turned to another demon child and started blasting him with a handgun, unleashing a full clip into it and then pistol-whipping it into a bloody mass of bone and guts.
'Holy mother of—' Henry began again, but the Comedian, out of ammo, picked him up and swung him into the last remaining monster, knocking the thing across the room and giving Henry nasty head pain. Eddie then charged across the room and leapt on it, beating it brutally with his fists. Henry watched in sheer awe and slight fear. Once the thing no longer consisted of molecular compounds, Eddie stood up and took a deep breath.
'WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!' he screamed as he reloaded his guns and charged into another room, shortly after which gunshots were heard. Many, many of them. Almost too many of them.
Henry opened the door to find Eddie reloading his guns again. Looking around he could see no trace of the monsters the Comedian had been fighting. 'Man, you blew them into nothing?'
'Huh?' Eddie replied, confused. 'Oh! No, there weren't any enemies in here! I just like the smell of gunpowder — and DEATH! WHOOOO!' He charged into another room.
'. . . I'm just gonna solve the puzzles now,' Henry sighed as he walked away.
— — — 203 mooR — — —
Tom and Maria sat on the couch, whispering sweet nothings into each other's ear. And by that I mean they were fornicating violently. Naw, just kidding. They really were just talking. I know, not nearly as fun, but this ain't no porno. Everyone who thought that this was a porno, well . . . how the hell did you reach that conclusion?
'My favorite colour is blue,' Maria whispered.
'SHUT UP! MINE IS SO BLUE TOO!' Tom exclaimed. They both giggled.
'My favorite colour is fourteen!' Eileen interjected from the kitchen, where she was eating raw hamburger.
'. . . that's nice, Eileen, that's really nice . . .'
'Where is Henry at?'
'He's on vacation with Cheryl. How do you not know this? He left you a letter explaining it, an audio tape for you to listen to, and we've left you notes around the apartment.'
'Who's Cheryl?'
Tom sighed. 'You're hopeless.'
Suddenly an earshatteringly awesome guitar solo flooded the apartment. Eileen instinctively followed the notes to the mysterious room 207. Opening it recklessly, she found a sight that would only be described as 'Whoa'.
Claire Redfield was leaning on a mic with a bass slung over her shoulder, watching Richard Brainfart solo on an electric guitar, while Amarant sat at a drum kit in the back, and Setzer Gabbiani held a keyboard synthesizer and sat on an amplifier. Richard was getting awfully into it but was obviously not putting any effort in it at all.
'Who the hell are you?' Claire asked as Eileen stepped in and giggled. Richard said something but no one could hear it.
'RICHARD! YOU'RE STILL PLAYING!' Setzer yelled. Richard looked down and mouthed 'Ohhhh', and abruptly stopped playing.
'What the hell are you doing here?' he shouted. 'This is a top-secret project!'
'. . . you're kidding right?' said Crono, who was sitting at the kitchen counter with Frog and Robo. 'We walked in and you didn't notice, and we knew you were doing it because we heard "Glasgow Smile" from across the street!'
'We forgot to soundproof the studio,' Setzer stated. Richard, Amarant, and Claire simultaneously facepalmed him.
'How did you know "Glasgow Smile"?' Amarant asked. 'I didn't think anyone here had ever heard of these—'
'WHO HASN'T HEARD OF THE SOVIET REUNION!?' Crono yelled. 'They're the most popular underground band ever!'
'Who is this Soviet Reunion?' asked Tom, who, along with Maria, had followed Eileen to 207. Yeah, I forgot to mention it. Sue me.
'The best band evar,' Maria, Crono, Robo, Frog, and, strangely, Eileen, said at once.
'Led by their frontman, Richard Brainfart! But what happened to Revolver Ocelot?' said Robo.
'Oh, he lost an arm, remember?' Claire explained. 'He couldn't very well drum with that horrible replacement.'
'I'm taking over,' Amarant declared, being very much too large for the drum kit.'They decided to record a new album. Seeing as how I know Richard, I forced him to let me on board.'
'It was Claire's idea,' Richard said as he took a drink of Red Bull. 'She suggested we get back together.'
'What made you decide to do that?' Maria asked.
'It was weird,' Claire said distantly . . .
—Flashback—
Claire was waiting for the elevator to come when William Birkin crashed through the ceiling and came at her (lol). She ran around and shot some acid rounds into him, and ran to a corner to get her crossbow out.
'I should reunite the Soviet Reunion,' she mused.
—End Flashback—
'Yeah,' Maria said, 'it was weird.'
'Errm, I have no clue what this band is . . . what genre are you and stuff?' Tom asked.
'Progressive rock, is what they typically label us,' Richard stated. 'Our first album was geared toward hard rock, but after that we drifted into psychedelia, and ultimately landed in progressive. I like to think of us as "awesome rock".'
'I have all your albums!' Robo booped.
'Nice to know we have a fan!' Setzer chimed.
'You guys got any requests?' Claire inquired.
Robo processed for a microsecond before spouting out '"Shock and Awe"!'
Claire played a long opening bass riff, lasting for almost half a minute, until Setzer entered with a hypnotizing synthesizer sequence while Amarant exploded on drums. Richard eventually came in with a sweet solo that lasted two minutes.
'I can die happy,' Crono sighed. He then pulled out a lighter and began to wave it through the air.
— — — Somewhere Where the Soviet Reunion Is Not Playing — — —
'Gentlemen,' Walter announced, 'welcome to my lair!'
Ozymandias, Garland, Albert Wesker, Dr. Wily, Bowser, and Alucard sat around a round table, in a plain yellow room with a single light hanging from the ceiling.
'As you know,' he continued, 'Henry Townshend, my sworn nemesis, is in Silent Hill — just as planned!'
'Why did you call us here?' Wesker asked. 'We don't even know you.'
'I HAS PRINCESS TO KIDNAP!' Bowser screamed very loudly.
'For what purpose did you conduct this meeting?' Garland asked as he stood, turned around, and swung back around quickly while raising his arm in the air.
'I called you here so that we may form an unstoppable federation of villains! We will unite in the goal of obtaining the Ultimate Powah!'
Everyone gasped.
'Yes, the Ultimate Powah!' Everyone gasped again. 'With the Ultimate Powah—' Everyone gasped. '—that "Cheryl" holds, we can become all-powerful beings, unstoppable entities of mass destruction, chaotic warlords of epic scale, omnipotent—'
'We get the fucking point!' Wily exclaimed flamboyantly. 'How do we achieve the Ultimate Powah!?' Everyone gasped.
'We must unite the half of Wallace called "Alessa" with the half of Wallace named "Cheryl"! The resulting transformation should rip a hole in our dimension, gaining access to the Twilight Zone!'
'NOOO!' Alucard screamed. 'NO! NO! NO! I'm NOT GOING THERE, MAN! I'M NOT!'
'Not the book,' Ozymandias clarified. 'The Rush song.'
'No!' Walter cried. 'The other dimension crafted solely from pure energy!'
'. . . oh, the entire album 2112?'
'The place of eternal dusk, where the Ultimate Powah—' Everyone gasped. '—resides!'
There was a general aura of understanding between everyone, until Ozymandias raised his hand. '2112 is the Ultimate Powah, right?' Everyone gasped, and then facepalmed him at once.
'How do we unite the two halves?' Garland asked menacingly. Walter moved to speak, but nothing came out. He tried again, but once more, nothing came out.
'Any ideas?' he asked hopefully. Intense facepalming ensued.
Suddenly a shadow appeared before them, and it revealed itself to be Kaufmann. He bitchslapped Walter, who whimpered, and turned to the other villains. 'I am the leader of this group! Who the hell authorized this meeting?'
Everyone pointed at Walter, who got bitchslapped again.
'Now, I believe Walter has told you my dastardly plan, and you know that if we achieve it, we stand to gain something of immense use.'
'The Ultimate—' Wily began, but Garland cast Silence on him, and thus, no one gasped.
'In order to obtain the . . . U.P. . . . we must unite Cheryl and Alessa and thus conjure Wallace the Daemon! To do this, we must unite—wait, did I go over that? Oh, anyway, the union is under way. Cheryl is being drawn to Alessa — but Alessa is in the midst of trying to stop the reunion by planting the Mark of Samael in seemingly random places around town. Thus, we must keep Henry alive to ensure that he stops her!'
Ozymandias raised his hand. Kaufmann sighed and pointed at him. 'Why don't we just stop her ourselves? We're badass villains and Dr. Wily.'
'We have moar urgent problems to attend to. Besides, that would never work.'
'Why not?' Alucard asked. 'Your reasoning is highly illogical.'
'This is the Nameless Parody, did you really expect a coherent plot?'
'Now you're just lampshading.'
'Huh?'
'You're pointing out the poorly designed plot to draw attention away from it.'
'I am not!'
'Yes,' Ozymandias said, 'you are.' All the others nodded in agreement.
'SO WHAT IF I AM!?'
'I think people won't like that.'
Kaufmann shook with rage. 'Whoever wants out of this plan, just leave right now!'
Everyone got up and left, except Walter, Garland, and Ozymandias. Walter leapt up and held out his hand. 'Wesker! Don't go!'
Wesker flipped him off and continued walking.
Kaufmann looked at his remaining troops and thought for a moment. 'Okay, we can still do this. Garland! You try and find Cheryl and lure her here. Oz—Oza—O-guy! You make sure no one gets into town! And Walter, you . . . uh . . . hell, do whatever you want.'
Walter saluted and pulled out his pistol. 'Yes sir!' He took off out of the room. Garland floated and his theme began to play. He then teleported to an unknown area. Ozymandias turned to leave, but turned around and faced Kaufmann. 'It's pronounced Ozymandias, you stupid ass hole.' He then walked away.
Kaufmann sat down in the chair and massaged his sinuses. 'This whole plan is fucked. Dahlia better pay me good for this.'
— — — Midwich Elementary — — —
Henry sat before the piano, pondering what to do, when the Comedian came in. 'HEY BUDDY!' he laughed as he punched Henry in the shoulder. 'I killed all the monsters in this joint! I'm out of bullets, but that's okay! I fought in Vietnam! Any bald demon children come my way, I'LL FUCK 'EM UP! YEAH! WHOO!'
''kay, cool, thanks.' Henry resumed thinking about the piano puzzle. 'I don't get this puzzle at all.'
'LET EDDIE TAKE A LOOK AT IT!' the Comedian screamed, shoving Henry out of the chair and sitting down. 'Err, how do I do it again? OH YEAH!' He then proceeded to play 'Moonlight Sonata' perfectly.
'. . . I don't even want to know how the hell you knew that song.' The emblem falled off of the wall and onto the ground. Henry picked it up and put it in his pockets. 'I already got the gold one, so I guess that we can unlock that clock tower.'
'Unlock it? HA! I KICKED IT DOWN ON THE WAY HERE!'
Henry curled up in the fetal position and cried for ten minutes, whereupon he stood and left the room, completely composed. Eddie followed. At the clocktower, they discovered that Eddie, indeed, had kicked open the door to the clock tower. They ascended it, ran through it, and descended it without incident.
Henry noticed that it was raining, but otherwise they were in the same place as before. 'WHAT THE FUCK! I FUCKING HATE THIS PLACE! GRR!' He then noticed the weird cymbal on the ground. After picking it up and examining it, he noticed the symbol drawn across the courtyard. 'Hmm, this wasn't here before.'
The Comedian strode up to him and spat on the ground. 'What the hell is that? Looks like some cult shit. I hate cults. I hate cults! I HATE CULTS! GRRR! KILL!' He charged off out of the courtyard.
'EDDIE! God dammit! Why the hell does he do that!?' He took off after Eddie, shaking his head and complaining the whole time.
To Be Continued . . .
EternalFlare: Yeah. QTWRB. You knowed it were coming. Don't act surprised.
Richard: LET'S GET IT ON!
EternalFlare: How about we don't? Anyway, here is an question from Darkcomet: 'If you were to go on a trip with Frog, James, and Richard Nixon. where would you go, what would you do, and who would you try to kill first, all at once doesn't count and massive genocide of planet is also out.'
Richard: I'd go with a massive—WHAT!? Aww come on!
Amarant: You cheap bastard.
Richard: Well we'd go to Shadow Moses, and pretend that we were spies . . . at least, they'd be pretending. We'd junction some GF's and fight a Metal Gear, all the while avoiding the Monster.
Amarant: Did you mix Final Fantasy VIII, Metal Gear Solid, and Hellnight in the same sentence?
Richard: Yes. Yes I did.
EternalFlare: KK, who would you kill?
Richard: Isn't it obvious?
Amarant: James.
EternalFlare: Frog.
Richard: Nope. Nixon.
EternalFlare: Why?
Richard: Thou fool. There can be only one Richard.
Amarant: So true.
Richard: Plus, I don't think he slept with that woman anyway, and that makes him a loser.
EternalFlare: . . . Nixon was impeached for the Watergate Scandal. CLINTON had the affair.
Richard: Oh . . . well Clinton totally did that shit, which is why we hang out on Sundays.
EternalFlare: That's . . . disturbing.
Amarant: Yeah, totally.
EternalFlare: So, that concludes our broadcast day. If you have any suggestions, comments, questions, nude photos, or video games, be sure to send them over. Richard will be happy to kind-of-answer-them. Til next time!
Amarant: Au revoir.
Richard: Adieu.
EternalFlare: And all that jazz.