Chapter 4: Two Great Tastes That Taste Great Together
Vanessa's condition continued to improve over the next forty-eight hours. She felt easily fatigued as her lungs continued to heal and her headaches ranged from mild to severe throughout the day. Serious doses of analgesics minimized her pain and she avoided anything stronger since her doctor feared long term use of Tramadol would worsen her memory loss.
Dr. O'Hara, her neuro-psychologist, showed up early in the morning for a final consultation before her discharge. Vanessa had been annoyed by the constant parade of staff that poked and prodded her throughout her few days at the hospital, but she looked forward to Dr. O'Hara's twice daily visits; initially because he resembled her favorite professor at uni who taught her Bio-veterinary Science course and, subsequently, because they shared a love of rosemary shortbread cookies and knitting. Mostly though, she felt like Dr. O'Hara was the one person she could fully confide in and he was the only doctor she asked to refer to her on a first name basis.
He understood better than anyone the confusion that comes with learning about one's life when it's being authored by third parties. He recognized the desperation Vanessa felt trying to regain what was lost; begging family and friends to recount the missing months for her. He fully comprehended the anger she felt having to rely on the words of others and the doubt she felt as she tried to have faith in what was being passed off as her truth. Even if it was all accurate, it was an edited version of the truth where she relied on middlemen to pick and choose what qualified as relevant.
From what she gathered, there was one person who could provide her with a proper and near complete summary of the past year and a half or so. Vanessa was simply not ready to have a sit-down with Charity Dingle playing the role of narrator in her story. Not yet. Maybe not ever.
"I know you've told me to stay away from quacks promising magical results with hypnosis," snapped Vanessa with a scowl, "but surely there must be something I can do to get my memory back?"
Dr. O' Hara typically found his patients exasperating when they fancied themselves instant experts thanks to "Dr. Google", but he rather enjoyed the fact that Vanessa, with her medical background, knew just enough information to be dangerous.
"Vanessa, I never said hypnosis therapy had no value but in your case, it is more likely to produce false memories than actual ones. Valdimir Nabokov astutely observed through his characters that the memory can be imperfect, unreliable, flawed and even biased." Dr. O'Hara continued on like a lecturer enraptured with his own voice. "Humans are unique in that our consciousness tries to make sense of our experiences in this world. Really, the best medicine I can prescribe for you right now is that you keep an open mind."
Vanessa pressed her lips and furrowed her brow. "Spouting Nabokov at me and telling me to keep an open mind, hmmmm?" Then, with a half smile and raised brow, "Are you sure your degree is in medicine and not English Literature?"
The doctor looked forward to Vanessa's snark with each check-in, so with a smirk he replied, "I will miss your mocking jibes Vanessa. They've become the highlight of my day."
He understood that for most, ideas surrounding the unconscious may seem esoteric but he viewed Vanessa as a fellow person of science and so he pushed on. "A belief in facts need not preclude you from understanding matters of metaphysics, nay, it should drive your quest to investigate it further. You see, in most people, the sense of self is so deeply embedded into the fabric of consciousness, it takes extraordinary factors to cause a brain to completely suppress information and then recover it sometime in the future. But in reality, the same mechanisms that cause us to forget what we had for lunch yesterday or where we left our keys this morning, what we would call ordinary forgetting,… those same mechanisms have simply gone haywire in people like yourself who've experienced a traumatic injury to the head. Even ordinary memories elude us at times Vanessa, but somewhere in there, you know what you had for lunch and you know where you left your keys. If our memories are jogged by just the right sound, smell, feeling or visual cue, we can recall those events. You catch a chill and go to put on a sweater, you suddenly remember you left your keys in the pocket of your winter jacket. There's nothing magical about it. At that moment, your brain was open and free to recall the event. Right now, you feel as though you are reading an autobiography of someone else's life and I understand how that can feel terrifying. But I assure you, if you allow yourself to just be, going back to your routine can spur a sense of familiarity that ultimately could help you recover some if not all of your memory. You must allow yourself to be exposed to the triggers that will act as the key to unlock your memory."
Vanessa relaxed her face and bit her bottom lip. "Well, keep an open mind I shall then. Thank you Dr. O'Hara."
"I'll go sign your discharge papers. Be sure to make an appointment to come see me at the clinic next week."
Much to her chagrin, Vanessa agreed to have Johnny stay at the Pub under Charity's care for the nights she was at the hospital. He'd been living there for months now and given the disruption that came with being away from his mother for a few days, Frank and Tracy appealed to her belief that routine was important for a child's sense of normalcy in the face of change. Convincing her that Charity Dingle reading Johnny his bedtime story and tucking him in each night was what passed for "normal" these days was no small feat, but once Harriet vouched for the arrangement, Vanessa acquiesced figuring "If it's good enough for the vicar…"
Upon release from the hospital, Vanessa headed for Tug Ghyll. The extra room remained unoccupied after the Maya/Jacob scandal came to light and Vanessa was nowhere close to being ready to return to the Pub.
Much to her chagrin, Charity had stayed away from the hospital respecting Vanessa's request for more time to wrap her head around all the history that had gone missing from her memory. She kept constant tabs on her fiancée via Tracy, Frank, Paddy and others. If you were not immediately in Charity's line of sight, there was a chance you might be checking in on Vanessa and therefore, Charity would call your mobile asking for an update. At one point Chas disappeared from behind the bar for five minutes so Charity called her only to be disappointed to discover her cousin was in the loo.
From the moment Vanessa arrived at Tug Ghyll, there was a steady flow of visitors checking in on her. Rhona currently sat on the sofa with her best friend and "nurse" Tracy busied herself in the kitchen preparing one of her famous vegan gluten free pizzas topped with tomato, mushrooms and basil.
Vanessa hadn't grilled Rhona yet for her version of "Vanessa Woodfield: The Lost Years" and after some cursory chit chat about the practice, Pete and Pearl's latest erotic work of fiction: Gustav's Appetite Part II – Hungry For More, she started to dig for Rhona's perspective on the whole "Charity" thing.
"Please tell me you can shed light on how this happened. Have I really lowered my standards so much that Charity qualified as 'life goals'?"
Rhona cocked her head and tried to commiserate. "Ness, I can't begin to imagine what it must be like to be robbed of so much time." But Vanessa was not interested in Rhona's sympathy. She was desperate to understand how Charity got her claws into her and how she came to not just like her, but love her. Charity Dingle! In what universe?
"Look Rhona, I appreciate the thought but let's save the pity party for later, OK? Right now, all I want is an explanation. I know I spent a lot of time in the Land of Confusion and you know better than anyone the falling-for-a-woman bit isn't that surprising. But why Charity? I mean you, I get. Beautiful, successful, smart, kind and caring. I'm sorry but Charity seems like a big, BIG step down."
Embarrassed by the compliment but wanting to give Vanessa some comfort about her current choice in partner, she admitted, "Look, if you told me a while ago that you and Charity would be the picture of happiness, a shining example of a stable family unit, I'd of thought you'd broken into the drug cupboard at the surgery. And, to be perfectly honest, I wasn't onboard with the idea of you and she as a couple at first. In fact, if I put all my cards on the table, I'd say she's getting the better end of the bargain with you in her life."
"But…?" asks Vanessa obviously anticipating a somewhat more positive spin.
"But…. I've never seen you so happy as you are being with her. It might not make any sense on paper but she's clearly made you content in a way that no one else ever has. If I'm being brutally honest, I might have thought at first you were just trying to save her from herself." Then, leaning in, "You do know about her trial with Bails, right?"
Vanessa looked down at her feet and shared, "Yeah, Tracy went into some detail about it. It's awful what happened to her."
Rhona continued, "You do have a compunction to save the walking wounded Ness. I figured, after a while, you'd get her out of your system and move on to someone, you know, more compatible. But really, who am I to judge anyone else's compatibility? Pete and I surely don't make any more sense but it just works doesn't it? And of course, there is the side benefit that the whole village gets to enjoy," Rhona added nodding her head like she had stated the obvious.
"Eh, what side benefit is that?"
"Well, I just mean that since you two have been together, Charity's gone from being insufferable to slightly tolerable. So you know, there's that."
"You make it sound like I'm performing a community service. And even if I was being particularly meddlesome, I still don't understand it. I mean, it's Charity! Surely, I could do better?"
"Look, you two do actually have quite a bit in common. Same age, both single Moms with little ones, both running your own businesses. At the end of the day, you both fancied each other, a lot, and you both wanted a committed relationship. She brings a little bit of chaos to the table and it mixes quite nicely with your more ordered way of living."
Vanessa sighed and remained unconvinced.
Rhona pursed her lips wanting desperately to help her best friend wrap her head around the notion of "Charity Dingle: Loving Fiancée. "You know that gelato place you like in Hotten, the one that makes all the "artisan" toppings?" asked Rhona using finger quotes.
"Yes Rhona, file it under something I do actually remember. We've been going there for as long as I've lived here."
"Well, then you know your favorite topping is the balsamic vinegar strawberries."
"And this has to do with me and Charity becauuuuuse…?"
"Do you remember your reaction the first time you looked at your options behind the counter?" Mimicking Vanessa, "eeeeeww, vinegar and strawberries? How could that possibly taste good together?"
"Why does your impression of me make me sound like one of them posh Ampleforth girls?"
"Focus Vanessa. Vinegar is acidic, sour, pungent even. Strawberries on the other hand are fragrant, tangy, and sweet."
"I assume I'm the strawberry in this scenario?" Vanessa asks skeptically as she narrows her eyes.
"Yes Vanessa, YOU are the strawberry and Charity is the balsamic. Separately, you each come with your own bold flavor." Leaning forward to drive home the point of her questionable analogy, "But together, you create an unexpected savory treat."
"Go on," Vanessa sneered as she arched one eyebrow.
"Vinegar is in many ways the opposite of the strawberry. By being a strong contrast, the balsamic complements the sweetness of the berry making it taste even sweeter than it would be on its own. The balsamic vinegar, meanwhile, retains it's strong flavor but it's usual bite fades into the background somewhat leaving you ready to taste the contrasting floral flavor of the berry."
Vanessa could only shake her head. "Well I still don't get it but I am hungry for some pudding."