Maybe you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be. Carrie Bradshaw

She watched as he slowly climbed back up the stairs walking past her through the open doorway she followed closing the door behind her. His face told her everything she needed to know he still loved her if he didn't he'd have kept walking and walked right out of her life. This was a sign not everyone gets that chance to make it up to your first love, not everyone gets the chance to rediscover the love you had. She was not letting him out of her sight now she needed him to know why she'd walked out this morning why she'd felt he'd pushed her away that fateful day? She realised he needed to hear it from her now there was no point delaying anything She looked in the hall mirror smoothing her hair she looked terrified she needed to try and get some control before she walked back in.

He was standing by the window looking out. 'You shouldn't be standing need to rest that leg.' He gave a nod but didn't move so she went and stood beside him their arms almost touching as they both stared straight ahead. 'Charles I'm messed up I've got the great career, I'm successful what does it mean if you don't have someone to share it with?' He gave a nod towards the photos. 'What you telling me for? You had him.'

She looked over her shoulder shaking her head and spoke quietly. 'He wasn't you.'

xox

Carrie: I've done the merry go round I've been through the revolving door I feel like I met somebody I can stand still with for a minute and… don't you wanna stand still with me?

Big: You dragged me out to a park at three in the morning to ask me if I wanna stand still with you?

Carrie: Yes.

xox

The FOB was small too small she'd felt claustrophobic delighted to get out of there and back to Bastion. Bastion was huge you could lose yourself there, more importantly you could hide there. She was able to disappear working shifts at the hospital it kept her busy and away from running into him. Each time she saw him it got harder she wanted to go back to the easy familiarity they'd had once. But, everything was different now her body reacted anytime he was close by he knew exactly the effect he had on her and she tried so hard but nothing worked. She walked around in 47 degree heat layered up covering her breasts so no one would see what happened to her body when he spoke to her. It was as though he was enjoying her misery she had no idea if things were happening to his body she couldn't look. She couldn't talk about it with anyone but him and she couldn't talk to him so her misery grew over the days and weeks.

She was fine when out on patrol she went into automatic mode nothing could distract her and he behaved the same he never looked at her any differently than he did the rest of the section. No one would have been any the wiser as to what had happened. There were nights when she couldn't sleep and she'd found a spot where she would sit and do some star gazing. She'd no idea anyone knew where she went but he did and he appeared one night as she sat there reading a letter from Bella.

'Boss you almost gave me a Julius Caesar.' She'd watched him crawl across the roof towards her sitting down his legs dropping over the edge. He'd handed her a beaker, as she raised an eyebrow he'd given a small laugh. 'Don't worry it's not coffee Dawes I made you tea,' She took the cup and raised it to her mouth taking a sip. 'Ah thats good thanks Boss.'

'I won't always be your boss Molly.' His voice was hushed and husky as he spoke. Despite the darkness she could see his eyes studying her, observing her, waiting for a reaction. 'I know I cant wait.' He'd nudged her shoulder. 'Oi less of that or I'll have you up on a charge.' A smile between them brought silence as they sat still.

'What brings you up here?' She turned her face up to the night sky trying to count stars and get her self under control he was too near his thigh touching hers as he sat close to her. 'You do Molly Dawes I don't normally sit on the roof of the tank workshop.' She'd turned to him then he was still watching her his head lowered to maintain eye contact. 'Oh right so you following me Boss.' He sighed and turned away his voice quiet and earnest when he spoke. 'Molly please say my name don't call me boss when we're sitting in the moonlight you are ruining what should be a very romantic moment.'

She shook her head. 'Don't, don't talk like that when we're sitting in the middle of a bleeding war zone. I can't get a calmness in me nut when you're around me its all I can do to sit still now.' His hand reached out covering hers. 'You think I don't feel the same I know you're avoiding me I understand why but Molly I miss you.'

'How can you miss me you hardly know me. You only know the me on tour I might be a real cow.' His fingers caressed hers as she spoke and she knew her body was quivering not because she was cold but because she needed to feel him, needed him to possess her, to own her again. His voice was light when he spoke as though he sensed her inner turmoil. 'You can only see the tip of an iceberg but you know its an iceberg.'

'Huh are you calling me an iceberg? What does that even mean?' She was confused and her face displayed that, she knew he was smiling as he turned his head back towards her giving a quiet chuckle. 'I know more about you Molly Dawes than you give me credit for. I know when you're angry you get dark flecks through those beautiful green eyes, I know when you're sleeping next to me that I'm the happiest man in the world, I know when you are happy and I know when you're sad. I came here tonight because you're sad and I know why. I said we had to wait out I'm trying to be the CO here and its shit it really is but I don't want to ruin your career because you get caught with me. You're part way through a journey it's not about us out here its about finishing the job we came out to do.'

'You know what Charles.' She stopped as he sighed.'Ah she says my name.' Molly smiled and carried on. 'Sometimes you speak a load of shit you know that don't ya. But every now and then you talk some sense its just so bleeding hard this waiting out. I know we only had one night but…..' Her voice drifted off as his fingers cupped her chin turning her face towards his. Their eyes met and held she couldn't move, wasn't sure if she was even breathing and as his face came towards hers the wait out theory disappeared; his lips brushed gently over hers before he possessed them the passion between them overflowing as the kiss deepened. The kiss was everything she remembered about him and more. Reluctantly he released her his breath ragged, he pulled back his eyes black like coal watching her in the moonlight. 'I'd better go.' She took a gulp of air and pulled herself up standing to walk across the rooftop he didn't stop her.

As she went to hop down from the roof he was beside her helping her down. 'Molly before you go I just want to tell you something.' He pulled her in-between the buildings holding both her hands as he looked down at her. 'You make me very happy Molly Dawes you give me hope that one day life will be good I've not felt like that in a long time.' She felt happy elated that someone like him could say something like that to her and he wanted her in his life it was almost too good to be true. 'I'd better go but, yeah I feel it too.' She made to move away but he held her wrists his thumb drawing circles on her skin. 'How do we get through the next few weeks?' She stood watching him completely distracted by his fingers caressing. 'Hmmmm well I don't think we should meet here again 'erm maybe you can write me a letter.' She giggled and stepped back pulling her wrists free' He laughed softly. 'Maybe I will Molly.' She left quickly not looking back whilst he stood hands in pockets watching her thoughtfully.

The next day Molly returned to the female quarters and found an envelope on her bed addressed to her. She was sure she recognised the writing but was blown away by what was contained inside sitting on the edge of her bed she read….

I'm waiting out…

But in the meantime some poetry

from Robert Burns

My love is like a red, red rose

That's newly sprung in June:

My love is like the melody

That's sweetly played in tune.

As fair art thou, my bonnie lass,

So deep in love am I :

And I will love thee still, my dear,

Till a' the seas gang dry.

Till a' the seas gang dry, my dear,

And the rocks melt wi' the sun :

And I will love thee still, my dear,

While the sands o' life shall run.

And fare thee weel, my only love,

And fare thee weel a while !

And I will come again, my love,

Thou' it were ten thousand mile.

He'd written her a love letter using an old poem (she didn't know about poetry but this, this was perfect) she'd told him to put it in a letter and so he had. She lay back on her bed closing her eyes clasping the piece of paper to her chest and then opening her eyes again to re-read the words. It was beautiful no one had ever sent her a love letter.

xox

It's comforting to know that the ones you love are always in your heart. Carrie Bradshaw

xox

'Remember the weekend we got this table?' He ran his fingers lightly over the top feeling the knicks and scratches that had come with it. There was something so comforting about this table as though the life they'd had once had not been wasted, it was filled with memories of happy days and love so much love. She smiled. 'Its probably one of my favourite items I guess its one of those things I would be dragging down the stairs if there was a fire.' He looked down at her his smile soft teasing. 'No disrespect but there is no way you'd drag this anywhere Molly.

'Haaaa yeah okay good point right I don't know about you but I need a drink.' She left the room hurriedly and he turned from the table walking over to the bookshelves. Stunned he reached forward and touched a frame he hadn't noticed it earlier hidden behind another photo it contained the first love letter he'd sent her a poem by Robert Burns he picked it up and read it holding it out as she walked back in. 'You kept this?' She put the bottle and two glasses on the coffee table raising up to look at him, her face assured a twitch of a smile hovering on her lips. 'I kept everything Charles.'

xox

Love is something we wait for. We imagine our first kiss, our first sex, our first I Love You. We never imagine our first heartbreak. Maybe because its too painful to even imagine. But in a way the pain of love is what truly changes us.

xox

He was sat in his room the heat was unbearable he'd been called for a briefing and knew that tonight he would brief 2 section on a special mission. So much for waiting out at Bastion and then hitting Cyprus, tonight would be the night that would define their mission. He stood and looked again at the map on the wall he knew what needed to be done; he'd been here before preparing for a mission he just wanted to get them all back to Brize in one piece. They were in his charge he was responsible for the safety of the entire platoon. He should sleep but he couldn't so he pulled a book from the shelf and flicked through it he struggled to find something fitting for today. He settled on a poem by Brian L Harvey it was soft and gentle the complete opposite of what they would face tonight.

True love is a scared flame

That burns eternally,

And none can dim its special glow

Or change its destiny!

True love speaks in tender tones

And hears with gentle ear,

True love gives with open heart

And conquers all fear.

True love makes no harsh demands

It neither rules nor binds,

And true love holds with gentle hands

The hearts that it entwines.

'Man down, man down'.

There is panic, people are screaming she hears Kinders shouting. 'Captain James is down.'

She runs towards him and drops to her knees his injuries are horrific he's bleeding from his stomach and right leg there is blood everywhere. She pulls her gloves from her pocket and calls in. 'One Cat A, urgent med-evac required! MIST out, wait out.

'Stay with me alright. You're gonna be alright. Im gonna get you out of here.'

More gunshots are fired she looks around she cant see any Taliban, she cant see if anyone else is hit. There is a sudden mass of firing the ANA are shooting erratically the situation is out of control. She is trying to stem the bleeding but failing miserably she cannot think about anything else but this is a soldier whose injured do not get emotionally involved remain detached focus Molly, focus.

She can hear Dangles calling for the med-evac she is wrapping a bandage around his leg. He groans and calls her. 'Molly is anyone else hit?' She shakes her head. 'No , I don't know; don't talk Boss I just need you to stay with me.'

Kinders calls out. 'Molly keep your head down!'

He pulls her down his hands are covered in blood. 'Molly.' His voice is weak the pain is excruciating for him.

'Stay with me Boss just stay with me I need you to stay with me do you hear me Charles James don't you fucking die on me not here not today.'

He reaches for her pulling her down to his face. 'I love you Molly never forget that I love you.' The tightness across her chest is indescribable she is the medic she is trying to save his life and she does not think she is going to do it. She cannot respond back if she does she will break down and she cannot do that she needs to stay focused, stay alert and keep him alive.

Kinders and Fingers are crawling towards her she hears someone shout to get down and she falls onto her stomach reaching to his leg to finish wrapping the bandage. He is in agony his moans let her know the pain he is in, the blood wont stop she is still packing the wound. Fingers arrives by her side and she grabs his hand pushing gloves towards him pointing to the leg. 'Apply direct pressure.' She ties a bandage tightly around his abdomen. 'Shitting hell stop bleeding will you.'

'Does anyone have eyes on where the hell is he?' Someone is still out there waiting to take more of them down she has finally stemmed the blood loss but its bad really bad she knows it he knows it his eyes are closed the pain etched across his pale skin. Fingers is silent he hasn't moved his hand once despite bullets whizzing past them. She hears a crack and turns seeing the insurgent crawling up the bank. 'Fuck where's my gun.' She cant reach it and looks around spotting the hand gun on his right hip she reaches over and pulls it out she turns in seconds aims and shoots. She drops the gun by his side as she hears Kinders call out.

'Jackpot.'

She looks down at him he's lost consciousness the tears come she cannot hold them in any longer Fingers is staring at her but she see's the tears in his eyes too. She hears the whirr of the med chopper arriving and the team onboard are running towards her. She gets her pen out to write on his face what she's done she shouts out what injuries he has and falls back as they whisk him away he's gone and she has no idea if he's gonna make it.

She zips up the last body bag and takes a breath she wants to vomit her head is swimming she has no idea what is going on in Bastion if he even made it but she has to do her job she's the medic.

'Molly lets go pack up your kit we need to get out of here.' She nods as Kinders walks past her with the ANA Captain she drops onto her knees where he lay and pulls her bergen towards her throwing the unused bandages back inside. She stands up picking up his abandoned bergen and see's the envelope crumpled but with her name on it poking out of a pocket todays love letter he'd obviously brought it with him to give to her its covered in blood stains, she feels a wave of emotion and despair wash over her she pushes it into her bergen she cant read it now. She cant understand what happened. She looks around as she walks back across the bridge it was supposed to be routine they had stayed focused what went wrong?

They are waiting for the chopper to come she cant sit still so walks around Fingers grabs her and pulls her into a hug everyone is traumatised and in shock the Bossman shot, injured. Everyone thinking the worst but not saying it. She shrugs him off she cant break down in front of them they'll know she's sure of it. She goes to her bergen and pulls the envelope out turning away from everyone to read it.

From me to you

If I thought I could sit still next to you everyday for the rest of my life

I'd be content and happy.

I love you.

The sobs come huge racking sobs she cant control it cant contain it. Kinder is there in seconds not speaking holding her as she sobs moving her away from the others. 'Molly get it together you did your best I'm sure he'll be okay. She stands there and slowly the tears subside. 'Sorry Corp just the shock an that.' He nods and guides her back to the lads she looks up and hears the whirr of the chopper. Hurry she thinks just hurry let me get to him…..

xox

Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. Carrie Bradshaw

xox

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