4

So he pretends to have forgiven me and I pretend I forgave me too.

It is a weird little dance we do, sort of like a sword dance but it's not your feet that could get cut, it's your heart, ya now?

I fear.

Always had a problem with that. Fear. I fear he will change his mind and turn on me again. I fear I will deserve it. I fear he will see me. Like, really see me. I know I am flawed, stupidly so and this broken, useless me is waiting on a knife's edge.

Lots of sharp things in my brain box isn't there?

"Right, so I think we should just go for it, cut and see if it explodes like the last one." Owen is talking as I walk about pouring coffee and trying to look as bland as the décor. This room could really benefit from a little colour, maybe the chairs could… "Ianto?"

Shit.

"Yes Gwen?"

"Any chance of a hobnob?"

Smile. Cant head. Slide from room.

I am re-entering the room when Jack curses, rising to touch the screen and it changes to show a ship nestled in some clover somewhere. I don't like this, not at all and I place the plate down for Gwen with infinite care. Wouldn't do to have a nervous breakdown in front of everyone. They already hate me for my weakness.

Or is it just me?

"Well, when did they land?" Jack is talking down the phone as he watches the screen and I finally see the Unit insignia at the corner of the picture. Ah. Right. So they don't quite know how to go forward with a fully intact ship with obviously live passengers. "Well for the love of gods, don't approach them. Funny lot these, piss them off and they will go Ripley on your arse, the whole 'nuke you from space' scenario."

I recognise the markings and the strange shape of the vessel. Great. Now I feel ill and am forced to stand quietly counting prime numbers in my head as I try to think about how to get shit done here. Jack turns and looks straight at me like he heard my internal conflict, his eyes narrowing slightly. For the first time I wonder if he can. Hear me. Fear heightens and I swallow. Smile weakly and look away.

Pussy.

The SUV squeals off and I am left alone, confused and terribly smelly, the fear wafting off me like a cheap cologne so I go down to feed the guests. Janet is sulking, has been for a few days so I give her an extra pumpkin. I know why she is sad. Christmas isn't far away, first snows due soon. Autumn is ending and this is the time she was found by Owen burying her dead child. She mourns. I know that. I understand the loss so deep that your guts keep falling to onto your shoes when you walk.

We spend a few minutes talking. Well, I talk and she sighs a lot, her clawed hand on the glass where mine rests so we can commune. Then her hand drops, her pain as raw as my fear and she retreats to curl in the corner and call her child's name.

I do the same.

In my little office hidden in the bowels of the archives where I can properly rail at the worlds for the loss I must endure. My shitty loss.

They're back, my coms scratchy as it crackles and Jack pleads for coffee so I rise and straighten myself up, heading upstairs with a determined air. Janet is right. Only we can feel this agony of living. The defeat in surviving. What purpose would there be to inflict this pain of the others. Those still alive, not walking dead with our hearts exploded everywhere.

Quite poetic thongs ... Weevils, ya know.

They are not alone.

I feel the cold hand on the back of my neck and smell her scent for a moment as I look at them and then it's gone. My fear bleeding away through my shoes as I stare at the one who is the captain of the vessel, her youngling at her breast as she talks to Jack. Calm. She motions with her hands, telling him about the loss of power and need to land.

So sad.

What a pity.

Aww.

Shame.

A beacon called them?

Really?

They tell him what they need and he grins as he tells them he had several, can spare one form the archives, his confidence overflowing as Tosh calls up the pictures on screen and they choose like it's a supermarket or something. On-line shopping from the comfort of your own Secret Hub. She looks donw at her youngling and coos. So much love.

You know, there is a moment, between fear and anger like a void. All black in your soul, your mind totally blanking out and all that you have left is the black void for a soul. Apparently some see red, I only know the blackness of eternity in a single moment.

Then the anger will slam in like a tidal wave of emotion so I know I have to act quickly and I am striding forward, the baby handed off to another crew member who is slightly uncomfortable with the honour so it is easy, so damned easy to simply scoop the youngling from his arms and click softly as I retreat to the corner of the room where I can look closely at it. Too young. Definitely new, barely a rell old. Not yet decided it's designation it's so new. Cute as a button and I smile without meaning too as it blinks up at me then that feeling niggles. The reminder that I have pain somewhere in the back of my brain and I straighten to look around the room.

All busy with their own shit, nobody looking at me.

I leave.

I go to my office down in the bowels and settle to wait, I know this is a weird option but the safest I can think of for the others who will be just as shocked and confused. I couldn't warn them, no way to without detection. These creatures are low level empaths and I would have given myself away if not for the void of nothing in my soul. I now wish I had found the chance to tell him. Would he have stopped me though?

Now in the safety of my room I start to feel a trickle, here it comes.

I rage.

I roar and scream with my pain, my rag and my despair. Then I realise I am scaring the youngling, not hr fault this has happened, no, not hr fault at all and I struggle to calm myself and find a spot on my heart that is not full of hate and rage for hr kind. I think if my beloved, in my arms. The smell, the feeling of that weight. The youngling stops crying and it becomes more calm.

Me too.

Coms crackle.

"Ianto?"

"Sir?"

"Ianto, you don't have their baby do you by any chance? We seem to have misplaced it"

"Yes. I have Hr with me."

"Ah. Thank the gods, bring it back will you?"

"No."

As I had hoped I can hear the sharp intake of breath from the female as she realises I have her youngling and intend keeping it, her voice sharp as she demands it back in the common language, too angry to speak in English. My Galactic Standard is rusty but I have a key that helps and I know I am grinning maniacally into the room, her child in my arms. The power from the invisible lift stone helps give the key extra weight as it channels what I need.

I take a moment for the memories to sort themselves, those hurtful to fade enough for those important to gain power and I answer in Galactic Standard with as much calm as I can muster even as I know she will 'feel' my hatred in the words.

"You took mine, I take yours" I say smoothly, "Fair trade. You are all about trade and consequence Mervig. Yes? You and I are even now."

I lean forward and key in the CCTV for the conference room then watch her melt down, tantrum and explode in a wonderful display of maternal grief as her minions aim weapons and threaten, cajole and basically panic.

Then they go still as she releases Jack, he falls back into his chair and she now knows he is innocent, they all are. No idea what the hell I am doing. I watch her touch each one, their memories, thoughts and feelings all telling her so much, yet nothing at all.

She will not get me that way.

Now it is her turn.

She who must feel it.

I resist the urge to lean forward as the scar on my belly itches. It always does when I think of her, when I must remember what I have lost. I resist the urge to ask her how it feels.

That fear.

I settle with the baby in my arms and croon, wondering if the old files on these are accurate. Where to get some goats milk and how to slip out of the base. Well, that's easy, same way I came in I guess.

I rise and walk confidently to the lower docks and we board the River Queen II without much fanfare and the moment my hand reaches for the automatic door opener I feel something new. It surprises and confuses me as I stand on the bridge of the vessel, a baby in one arm, the other reaching for freedom.

I feel Jack's fear.

For me.

Damn. Inconvenient this thing. Fear. Especially the affection that entwines it like a weed. Damn.

No.

This is not about me.

It's about her.

I nose the boat out into the bay and throttle out, letting her rise majestically to crest the waves and we head towards the safest place I know right now, the last place he will look.

By now she will know she has lost, I have this one and she has only herself to blame for what she took from me.

As I step onto the dock and look back at Cardiff I feel nothing. As Big Tony secures the vessel and talks to me about a new litter of puppies he looks down and finally sees the baby, his voice petering out.

I hand it over, not caring now as I have accomplished what I needed to.

I wait.

"Ianto?"

I had forgotten the coms and I freak-out momentarily before remembering the dampening field around this island, he can't trace the coms here.

"Sir."

"Ianto, care to tell me why you took their youngling? She is quite pissed. Come on, let's all calm down and talk about it, yea?"

"She cannot destroy the planet if her child is on it" I explain as I close my eyes to enjoy the sea mist rolling into the bay, "She can leave if she wants, stay if she wants, do whatever she wants. Same options she gave me. And like she said to me, the baby will never be returned."

The silence is telling, as is the distant scream. I knew I was on speaker, that tell-tale crackle. Hope she is enjoying this. Their race is all about revenge and honour after all, right? She must get the irony.

"Where is my child!"

I tilt my head and listen to the chaos as they speak in their mother-tongue, of course I understand it and know they are considering options so I remind her, "I can kill Hr and you would not know. Spend the rest of your days searching and never find a ghost. Isn't that what you said to me?"

The silence is now telling and I close my eyes with relief.

Still alive then.

That a been a bluff.

Right?

"Tit for tat" she finally says, "Mine for yours."

"That was not part of the deal" I can't believe I am so calm, actually taunting her now, "You were quite specific about the rules when you did this. When you set this in motion. This is all your fault Mervig. You must pay for your crime and this is the justice of my people. Yes. Tit for Tat. You took, I take. We are even."

"We have it, wait"

she is begging, a strange thing for their kind and I am curious, torn.

"Please. It is my only youngling, my others gone to me. Please."

"And mine was not my first?" I snarl with an anger that I cannot control "My only? My all? You ripped her from my arms like a growth. A cancer, not the preciousness that she truly was? I am kinder than you, I at least gave you nice memories, moments of affection to remember. Take that with you Mervig."

"A quarter Rell, I can get it for you, please"

She is frantic now, her fear raw as she realises she is fucked. Good and proper fucked as I consider, surprised to find myself even weighing it up. Mine is gone. Dead. I know that. She knows that. This is a stalling tactic while they search for options. They cannot return what is dead.

But I am having fun now, I am finally feeling something I never thought I could feel after losing her.

I feel….

Fearless.

.

..

.

.You have no one to blame but yourself, asking for more and poking at me with that stick of yours. See what you get? How long will I punish you for your insolence? Hmmmm?