So…
In this chapter, FitzSimmons try to talk and understand each other. And I mean it: they try. So, the angst is still there but... the last chapter will be up soon and will make you all feel better. Promise.
I hope you like this: I think my inspiration fed into my Season 2 FitzSimmons feelings. ;)
Thanks to my Beta StarryDreamer01 and amandajbruce who helped me edit this..
Here we go... :)
DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN AGENTS OF SHIELD
I, n
Me without anyone else.
-The Lover's Dictionary, David Levithan-
Jemma stared at Fitz, mind suddenly numb. He was staring with a dazed, almost heartbroken look that would have worried her if her own heart wasn't crumbling to pieces after yet another revelation.
He said that he didn't remember anything from that night during their first year at Sci-Ops.
But he did.
She had been thinking of that moment for years; she had wondered what would have happened if Fitz remembered and how their relationship might have changed.
For the good, hopefully.
To learn that he had hidden the truth for all this time just hurt.
"You lied to me," she whispered, failing to mask the betrayal in her tone. They had been younger back then... hadn't it meant anything to him? Didn't she at least deserve to know that truth?
Fitz blinked, snapping out of his thoughts and looked at her in disbelief.
"Me?" He asked incredulously. "I lied to you?" His voice held the same amount of hurt and betrayal that she had. "What are you even talking about? You lied to me!"
"What?" She couldn't believe it: was he blaming her? "What are you talking about?" She stepped closer to him. "You said that you didn't remember anything and now you're-"
"You said that you didn't remember! You woke up and you just told me that-"
"You woke up and said that you didn't have a bloody clue what happened the night before!" Jemma exclaimed and Fitz' eyes widened.
"Are you kidding me?" He retorted, stepping closer to her. "You said that! You started walking around your room after waking up, saying that you didn't remember anything."
He mimicked her gesture of holding her neck with her hands and the action made her start rather than angering her more.
Fitz was reliving a moment that had happened but it was not the same one that she was saying. How could it be possible?
"When?" She asked slowly and he stopped pacing and looked at her.
"Wha-?"
"When did it happen?" She repeated and her tone wavered slightly.
"You know when it-"
"Fitz, I don't," she exclaimed and wrangled her hands together. "Or better, I think that... I think that-"
"-we're speaking of-of... two different moments?" He completed quietly, turning fully to face her with a thoughtful look. They stared at each other for a moment and she wondered if he was hiding something as much as she was.
"Sci-Ops?" He queried and she nodded. At least, they got the same time frame...
"First year." "Our last year." Jemma froze and so did Fitz.
"What?" He said with his eyes wide. "Our.. our first year? Wh-?"
"Our last year?" Jemma spluttered, interrupting him. "But that was-"
"N-No, wait," Fitz shook his head as though he didn't believe her words. "When did this happen?"
Jemma reached for her neck, fingernails scraping against her skin and somehow calming her frazzled nerves. If they kept interrupting each other they wouldn't get answers; she pushed her questions aside and looked at Fitz.
"When your mum got ill," Jemma explained slowly. "The night you found out that she got better," His eyes widened again and she saw something flash in his eyes. She didn't linger on it and
"What happened?" Fitz' eyes were fixed on her and Jemma suddenly couldn't stand to hold his gaze. She looked away and focused on the fireplace.
"You were quite drunk and I had to drag you to your room," she said, unconsciously tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "We talked for a bit... You told me that you had been worried for many reasons." And you told me that you didn't feel alone because I was there. "And... you mentioned that you wouldn't know what to do without me..." She couldn't bring herself to think about what happened afterwards but the images flooded her mind; Jemma had to swallow dryly and look at the fireplace, concentrating on the dancing flames to erase the memory of him touching and kissing her.
The silence that fell between them felt heavy and, for her at least, uneasy. She dared to look up and found Fit staring at her, his face unreadable.
She wondered if he was trying to force the memories back, trying to piece the moments together and recall what had happened.
"D-did something...else happen?" Fitz asked slowly, making her eyes widen in surprise. What?
"What should have happened?" She asked rather than answering, cautiously trying to understand what he was suggesting.
Fitz frowned slightly, eyebrows drawing together and he looked at her oddly.
"I remember most of that night until I started drinking with James," he said, folding his arms together. "Then... I just remember waking up in my room."
Jemma nodded, feeling both relieved and disappointed that his answer was the same as the one he had given her back then.
"But you were different afterwards."
"What?" Jemma asked in confusion.
"You were... distant." He kept staring at her and she could almost see the gears in his head moving, conjuring ideas. "I thought that you were only being tactful, giving me space and time to spend with my mother but something was off."
Jemma felt her heart beating faster and she couldn't speak. Of course she had been distant: she had realised that she had feelings for him. Her silence must have been too long because Fitz' face changed, going from confused to alarmed.
"Did I-?" He stumbled on his words and the colour drained from his face, leaving him pale. "I..."
"Fitz?" Jemma took a step forward, concerned by his attitude but stopped when he stepped back from her. Something twisted in her chest, making her want to cry: when had comforting each other become so difficult?
"Fitz?" She ventured again, fighting the wobbly note out of her voice. He must have sensed it, nevertheless, because his eyes met hers and she saw the flash of concern go through them.
When had talking become so difficult?
He released his arms, making them fall to his side and she saw him curl his fingers tightly into fists. He looked at her with an expression that she could only define as pained before switching to resolute and it sent a wave of worry through her.
"Did I do something, Jemma?" He asked, his body ramrod straight.
"What?" She asked. "Fitz, wha-?"
"Did I hurt you?"
"What?" Jemma's eyes widened to the size of saucers. "Fitz, don't be ridiculous-"
"I don't remember a damn thing about that night!" He started pacing again. "But I do remember that you seemed to keep your distance from me for a while afterwards."
"Yes but-"
"And you're one the strongest people I know and I know that you wouldn't allow anyone to do anything to you without-"
"Fitz, you didn't-" He wasn't listening to her. He just kept rambling and walking.
"-but you're also so bloody kind. So, if I did-"
"Oh, for God's sake, Leo!" Jemma had had enough and her voice showed it. Fitz stopped on his tracks and turned around abruptly, eyes wide.
They'd never get out of this if they weren't honest.
"You kissed me," she said and he stared at her. "That's what happened."
"Wha-? Jemma...?" She shook her head, stopping him from talking and stood straighter, hands clenched to her sides and took in a deep breath to steady herself.
Given the point they'd reached, what did she have to lose? Fitz had already made it clear that he was envisioning a future where she wasn't in the picture.
If she wanted to salvage whatever was left of their relationship, she had to be honest with him. Even if that meant spilling out a secret that she had been keeping since they were nineteen.
"And... I-I kissed you back."
She'd have to openly admit her own feelings and hope for the best.
-:-
Fitz was sure that every single neuron in his brain came to a screeching halt as soon as Jemma's words sunk in.
That was not possible... It couldn't have happened twice.
He clearly remembered the days when his mum had been ill: it had been one of the worst periods of his life. He tried not to linger on the thought that it had been the worst event of his life until Jemma's infection with the Chitauri virus and now the two moments were listed together as the things that he'd never want to relive ever again.
Amidst all the dark thoughts while his mother was ill, the only beacon of light had been Jemma. During those three days, Fitz realised just how important she was to him as a friend, as a partner... and possibly as the only constant in his new life away from home.
And he had also realised that he liked her in a way that wasn't strictly platonic and friendly.
So to hear her say that he had kissed while he'd been drunk was like a punch in the gut; had his feelings been so raw and unstable that he'd caved in the first moment he wasn't in full control?
Could he have done that?
But most of all...
Jemma had kissed him back?
He needed answers.
Jemma was staring at him and looked tense. He couldn't blame her, really: he hadn't said a word after she'd spoken... But his mind was still too confused to come up with a coherent thought.
"Why?" He asked and she looked puzzled.
"What?" She moved her hands to her front, wrangling them together in the way she did when she was unsure. He realised that his question was too broad.
"I-I meant..." He cleared his voice and shook his head in an attempt to clear his mind as well. "Why-" Why did you kiss me back? "-didn't you tell me anything?"
Jemma looked at him oddly and then averted her gaze to the fireplace again. He tried to keep his nerves in check as he waited for her answer but the slight blush that appeared on her face made his heart thump in his chest.
"We-we were nineteen," she said slowly, eyes flitting between him and the dancing fire. "And we'd just joined Sci-Ops... and we'd been friends for two years... I didn't know how-"
"So that's why you were distant afterwards?" He tried to ignore the dull ache in his chest as she looked away. "You didn't say a word to me because you didn't care or..."
"Fitz, you don't understand!" Jemma's tone made him look at her. She looked nervous and annoyed and terrified altogether.
There was a time when he could easily say that he knew what she was thinking; right now, he had no clue to where to start guessing.
"Then explain, will you?" He suggested, shrugging slightly and failing to suppress the lingering frustration in his tone. "I asked you if you were alright and you said-"
"What did you expect me to say?" Jemma exclaimed and he caught something close to anger flash in her eyes. "No, Fitz, I'm not fine. I spent the better part of last night snogging you and now you don't remember anything while I do and I have no clue how to deal with these feelings?!"
Jemma's outburst was so sudden that it stunned Fitz to silence. And it seemed to have the same effect on her because she stared at him for a minute, breathing heavily before she realised what she had said; her eyes widened and she took a step back, gripping her neck with both her hands. He heard his heart beat in his ears as he replayed her words and saw the flaming blush that took over her face as she turned away from him.
"Feelings?" He repeated slowly, taking a tentative step towards her. "Jemma... Do you... do you mean-?" The cloud of resignation that had resided in his body for weeks suddenly felt lighter.
She glanced at him, red in the face and eyes swirling with emotions. Fitz was torn between wanting to hold her and comfort her and want her to talk more and explain.
Jemma bit her lip and averted her gaze, making his heart drop down to his shoes.
Was he misreading her again? Hoping for something that he'd been longing for so long and projecting it in her words and actions?
He sighed softly, clenching his hands tight again and stood there in silence. Jemma's stance was rigid: her back was stiff, hands curled around her neck and fingertips digging almost painfully into her skin. He had rarely seen her like this.
He heard her take a deep breath and turn around; Fitz stared into the amber eyes that he'd learned to love and see every day for years and was shocked to see the amount of nervousness and sheer fear in them.
"Yes, feelings, Fitz," she said softly, unfurling her hands and bringing them down to her sides. She seemed to be forcing herself to keep her eyes on him. "I felt... something that night and... I didn't know what to do or say to you." He saw her fingers clench into fists. "I was so confused..."
"Confused?" He repeated, trying to keep his voice steady. She looked so torn and unsure and he couldn't help but hope that, maybe... Maybe there still was a chance...
"I knew I cared for you: you were my best friend," she smiled slightly and he couldn't help the little quirk of his lips in response. "And you were also my work partner and housemate... I-I never imagined you as-as a possible love interest." Jemma blushed and looked at the ground. "I did have occasional thoughts but I never really lingered on them... And then you said that you wouldn't know what to do without me-" Fitz felt a wave of warmth on his face too but he didn't say anything and allowed her to continue. "-and you kissed me. I honestly didn't expect to kiss you back. Repeatedly."
Fitz was sure that his face had taken a terrible shade of maroon but he didn't care; not when his heart was beating out of his chest and Jemma was looking so adorably flustered as she recalled the kisses they had shared and why the bloody hell didn't he remember anything about it?
Way to go, drunk brain, he thought, Go and delete one truly good memory that had happened to me.
But his elation was cut short when his now very active brain reminded him that she was talking about something that had occurred almost seven years ago. And that she probably wouldn't have ever said a word about it if they hadn't been arguing.
And he also recalled that they had somehow lived a similar moment recently and that hadn't lead to anything either...
Feeling as though he'd been doused with an icy shower, Fitz shuffled on his feet.
"Was that the reason you didn't tell me anything?" He asked softly. "You didn't know why you responded?"
"I was confused by my own self but most of all, by you," Jemma remarked and his face must have shown disbelief because she actually rolled her eyes. "Fitz, you never showed any sort of interest towards me. I honestly didn't think that you even noticed that I was a girl until then..."
"Wh-what?" He spluttered, feeling indignant. "That's not tr-"
"And then you're kissing me... Well, snogging me really..." Jemma blushed again. "And I didn't know what to do because we'd both been drunk and I didn't know if you'd think of it as a mistake or... or if you'd just come and admit that you'd been harbouring feelings for me; feelings that I'd failed to notice."
Fitz was sure that his heart stopped at that point. Was she still talking of the past?
"What would you have done if I had remembered?" He asked, surprising himself. Jemma looked at him with an odd look.
"I would have followed your lead," she admitted and he frowned slightly.
"What?"
"If you had come out of your room apologizing and saying that it had all been a drunken mistake, I'd have swallowed my doubts and just agreed with you," she explained and he ignored the pang of hurt in his chest. "But... but if you had confessed that it had not been a mistake..." Fitz took another step closer to her and ignored the tick tacking of his heart. "I...I would have considered it."
"Considered?" He repeated.
"I was sure that we'd work it out somehow... We always did." She looked at him with sad eyes. "We always used to, at least."
Fitz had to forcibly stop himself from moving forward and taking her in his arms. She sounded so defeated... and it was all his fault.
Swallowing dryly, he mused on her words.
They could have started a relationship; perhaps they might still be in a relationship even seven years later.
It could have been a possibility...
"But I didn't remember..." He stated bitterly and she looked at him. "So you never told me anything about it."
The silence that fell between them was almost deafening. The crackling of the fireplace echoed throughout the room.
Fitz thought about what had occurred between them years later and he suddenly wondered what would have happened if he hadn't lied to her that day.
"I didn't stop thinking about those feeling though."
Fitz turned to look at her so fast he was surprised that he didn't have a whiplash.
"What?" He asked, wondering if he had misheard. He must have clearly misheard because Jemma didn't-
"I might have kept them to myself back then but I didn't forget them," she said and Fitz felt his heart skip a beat at the look she gave him. "I thought it was just a crush." She wasn't looking at him anymore but just staring at a spot on the ground near the fireplace. "It would have been so terribly cliché, really, to have a crush on my male best friend so I...I tried to shut the feelings away, thinking that they were temporary. I dated other people and you did the same."
He remembered every single bloke she had dated: it had been a punch in the gut every single time for him. And he had dated to take his mind off her, hoping that the feelings were temporary too and that he'd settle back to being happy being her friend and not yearning for more.
"They didn't fade though..." She kept talking and the flames from the fireplace were reflecting in her eyes, making the usually clear amber sparkle and glint in ways that were mesmerizing to watch. He couldn't take his eyes off her. "And I almost thought that you felt the same, at some point..."
Fitz was sure that his heart had stopped beating. She stared at him with such a hopeful look and he wondered what was stopping him from crossing the distance and kissing her senseless. He opened his mouth but no sound came out and he saw how her eyes fell to the ground again, a flash of disappointment going through them.
Jemma sighed and walked near the fireplace, leaning against the wall.
"I don't know what to think, Fitz," she said quietly. "There are moments when I think that there is something more between us but then... it seems as though I'm only imagining it?"
Fitz sucked in a sharp breath as her words voiced his own thoughts.
"We talk about everything -or at least, we used to." He winced at the past tense and the sad note in her voice. "But.. we've never been good expressing our emotions, feelings and... hidden thoughts." She glanced at him and looked away and he was sure that something cracked in his chest.
"Jemma..." He said slowly, taking another few steps towards her.
"Isn't that why we're like this now?" She waved a hand between them and he stopped in his place as she mentioned the distance between them.
Distance that he'd been forcibly keeping in the past weeks.
Had he been wrong the entire time? But then why had she gone out with Triplett?
Because you didn't make a bloody move on her, his brain answered traitorously. You never gave her a reason to refuse.
"I never imagined a future without you being there, Fitz." Jemma looked at him with a watery expression that made him chest ache. "I never thought about it; not even when we'd argued about going to the field and you were refusing to leave the lab. I tried to find anything that could convince you and I also-" She let out a short mirthless laugh. "-entertained the idea of giving up on field work if it meant keeping you..."
"What?" Fitz exclaimed. "But... but you wanted to go to the field: you loved it. You wanted to see the world, be useful and help people..."
"Yes but... with you. I didn't want to go anywhere without you," Jemma's eyes held a soft look that made his heart melt. "I didn't want to drag you into something that you'd hate and yet I didn't want to leave alone. I didn't want you to...to hate me and regret everything about me."
The last part came out as a whisper and Fitz realised just how much his fears and sudden words had affected her. She couldn't think that he-?
"I'd never hate you, Jemma," he said firmly, approaching her so that they were standing in front of each other. "I'd never regret anything about you."
"No?" The doubt in that single word made him feel like the worst person alive.
"Jem-" How could he even start to explain to her..?
"I was sure that I was being so obvious about it," She was looking at the ground and then looked up with an odd half-smile that didn't reach her eyes. "As soon I heard that we were going to be asked to join a team, I knew that I had to be sure that you wanted to leave with me. I mean... I was always asking if you were sure about your decision and if you really wanted to come with me. God, I probably made your ears bleed during the New Year's party."
Fitz tensed when she said that. Now that he knew what she'd been hiding, he wasn't sure if she'd be happy with what he was keeping from her...
"I can't remember how many times- what?" He blinked and found her staring at him, face scrunched in a confused expression.
"What?" He stammered.
"You did a strange... What was that face?" She stood straight and took a step forward and Fitz unconsciously stepped back.
"Fitz..?"
"It's... nothing," he said but he was barely convincing himself and surely not her. And Jemma Simmons was anything but stupid.
She blinked and then narrowed her eyes.
"The New Year's party? During... our last year... at Sci-Ops?" Realization dawned in her eyes as she talked and she froze.
"Jemma... I-"
"I asked you, Fitz,"she whispered looking at him with a confused expression. "I asked you if something had happened."
"I-I know..."
"And you said-"
"You were in a panic when you woke up!"
He almost wished that he'd kept his mouth shut because Jemma stared at him with a hurt look that made him feel ill.
She'd been honest with him; from the beginning, she kept things to herself but she hadn't openly lied to him.
But he did.
-:-
Jemma stared at Fitz.
She'd been so taken in explaining what had happened during their first year and trying to explain her motives for keeping secrets from him that she had dismissed Fitz' shocked expression when she said that they had kissed.
Shocked not surprised.
Could it have happened again?
She looked at Fitz and saw the panicked glint in his eyes.
She had been honest with him: completely honest. The only thing that she hadn't openly admitted was that her feelings for him were still there and probably stronger than ever.
But even Fitz might have caught up with that now...
He hadn't said anything though. The creeping doubt that she'd been wrong about this the whole time made its way to her mind, cracking her fragile control.
She had to know...
"What happened?" She asked and Fitz started at her brisk tone.
"Jemma..." He said slowly and she shook her head.
"No, don't," She stepped forward, inches apart from him. "I've been honest with you, Fitz. I think I deserve the same honesty from you."
He looked at her with an expression that was equally pained and lost and she almost felt guilty to force him but she had to.
They were at a crossroad now; despite the fact that the mere thought made her insides churn, they had to see if they were going to go the same way or take different ways.
"The only moment that I recall where something might have happened is the New Year's party," she remarked, carefully choosing her words. "So... what happened?"
Fitz looked torn and drummed his fingers on his thigh, a nervous tick he had always had. She saw him shuffle slightly on his feet before looking at her.
"W-well… We talked a bit... Y-You kept saying that you wouldn't know what to do without me and... and," he faltered in his words but then glanced at her and sighed softly. She saw him steel himself, looking ready for a blow or something coming from her as he turned to meet her gaze. "Well, it pretty much went like when we were nineteen, it seems. Only-" His fingers swirled in the air as they pointed at both of them. "-the positions were reversed."
Jemma stared at him, feeling a wave of heat rise on her face as he ducked his head and blushed too.
She very clearly remembered that she'd been in a right mood in the days before the New Year's party. After learning that someone -Coulson, but she didn't know back then- had requested her and Fitz as scientists for a field team, she'd dealt with many emotions.
There was a part of her that was ecstatic and was brimming with excitement at the thought that she was finally going to see... more; more of the world, more of the unknown mysteries that the universe still held from her. More...
But there was a part that was gripping onto the normality that she had now and that was terrified that her partner wouldn't accept this much of a change.
The thought that he might decide to stay back made something break inside her as much as forcing him to do something that he didn't want to do.
Jemma couldn't think of not having Fitz by her side: it made her physically ill.
And then there were her lingering and so confusing emotions that questioned the real reasons of her fear. Confusion that had heightened when she'd heard her co-worker speak of the possibility of being exempt from SHIELD's fraternisation regulation.
If they stayed at Sci-Ops, there might be a chance for...
But if they left...
Jemma stared at the man in front of her, seeing how he couldn't meet her gaze and her mind flew back to that that morning when she woke up with him.
She remembered her confusion and then fear of having done something in her inebriated state that might have changed -or ruined- their relationship forever.
But he had said-.
"You lied to me," Jemma said softly, unable to hide the accusation from her tone. "I asked you if something had happened and you-"
"You woke up and looked so... terrified," Fitz protested weakly, running a hand through his hair. "I couldn't-"
"You lied to my face, Fitz," Jemma stepped forward so that she was standing in front of him. "You lied to me."
"It would have changed everything just like you said!"
"It was last year! Our relationship was different from when we were nineteen. We could have dealt with it differently!" They might have considered maybe...
He looked at her oddly and shook his head slightly.
"It wouldn't have been so simple, Jemma."
"How would you even know?" Hadn't she just all but claimed that she cared for him? Had cared -loved him- for years?
Why wasn't he believing her?
"Look... Back then, I was confused too," he admitted. "And yes, you kissed me-" Jemma was sure that her face was in flames again. "-and I kissed you back but that wouldn't have-"
He stopped talking and looked away and Jemma stared at him.
"Fitz?"
"I've been thinking about...us for a long time," he confessed, glancing at her and then averted his gaze. "We were closer than ever and I started to think that there might be a-"
"-possibility for us to be together," she finished and he turned to look at her with wide eyes.
"Yeah." He nodded slowly. "That night gave me...hope? I almost thought that we were heading somewhere. Our -well, snogging session at home sort of cemented that thought." Fitz blushed. "But when you woke up, you looked so alarmed. I couldn't bring myself to tell you; if I had, I'd have to see you deal with my words without any memories to verify them. I-I came to think that everything that you'd said and done might have been just induced by the alcohol..." Jemma's eyes widened at his accusation and she opened her mouth to speak but Fitz barrelled on. "And I was a coward because I didn't want to see you confirm that."
"You couldn't know that! How could you think that I-?"
"Let's be real, Jemma," he stopped her again. "I saw the men you dated. I wasn't- I'm not like any of them."
"No but-" He was more than all of them together.
"So, I just told myself that I was being delusional." He shrugged to himself and looked away. Jemma could see the defeated stance he had taken, it was the one he had had when they were younger back at the Academy. Before they became friends. "I thought that it was for best if I hadn't said anything: we were leaving for the field and... well... that would have been different."
Had he been thinking about the anti-fraternization rules like she had?
"Fitz..." She took a tentative step forward and he looked at her. "That was why I kept asking you constantly if you were sure about leaving. I... I'd been thinking about Section 17 and all of its implications too."
He kept staring at her but she still saw the weariness in his eyes along with the doubt.
He didn't believe her. Why?
"Ever since I heard Amy talk about it, I kept thinking that if... if there was a possibility of us being... more than just partners..." His blue eyes flickered and looked hopeful for a moment before clouding again. "If... If you had been unsure of leaving, I'd have considered staying at Sci-Ops and-"
"-asked for an exemption," he whispered and she nodded. "But we left to join the Team." His tone was almost bitter now.
"We agreed to leave the lab for field work and then Coulson asked us to join his team," Jemma clearly recalled her elation at the news while ignoring tinge of disappointment in her chest. "Moreover... I thought I had misunderstood and was just projecting my own feelings."
"What?" Fitz looked at her puzzled and she swallowed back a snarky retort. Her emotions were jumbled in her heart and she felt her resolve and control slowly fading.
He couldn't be this clueless about her feelings, could he? She'd told him what she had wanted to do... How could he still be surprised?
"When we left the lab for the additional training, you didn't show any sort of interest on me," she explained after a calming breath. "You had gone back to being... friendly and all the little things you had done, all the things that made me think that there was something more..." She swallowed dryly. "It looked as though as you'd changed your mind."
She looked at him and she saw his eyes flash with emotions again: surprise, confusion and then that odd-unclear gaze again.
"We were going to be in a mobile unit," he said. "We are in a mobile team." He seemed to be steeling himself to say something unpleasant and she tensed in response. "After that night, I just thought that I should put those memories and thoughts away and hope that they wouldn't surface soon."
She could understand his reasoning but it didn't hurt any less.
"You wanted to forget?" She asked.
"I didn't want things to change," he replied instead. "I kept thinking that I was just... crushing on you. A really long crush." His cheeks took a pink tint. "I just thought that things would slip back to normal... but then... the virus..."
She inhaled sharply at his admission. Everything had changed after the Chitauri virus.
Her vision of the dangers of field work, her realization that anything could happen to her (and Fitz) and that her feelings for him were not temporary.
She loved him.
To hear that he'd been going through her same thought process was painfully obvious: they were so in sync with each other...
And yet... they never realised that they'd been both had the same doubts...
They'd both been waiting for a sign, anything, that would make them believe that their feelings might be reciprocated. And yet, while she still waited for the sign, something had changed for him: Fitz was contemplating a future where they were not together, even as friends.
Why?
She was going to ask him, tired of running in circles and not getting answers on her own, when a sudden thought hit her.
Fitz disliked changes: he liked routines and long-term plans.
He didn't want to leave the lab because the field was a completely new and uncharted territory for him; yet, he had said that he was getting used to it now.
He had needed time to accept the change.
Jemma's heart drummed in her chest.
He had said that he'd hoped that things would go back to normal after they kissed the second time. And they had because he'd looked at other women; he'd even flirted with Skye.
But the virus had brought them closer and his mission in Ossetia had them back to those confused feelings again. They'd been dancing along that line between friendship and more for months.
But then?
Agent Triplett had asked her out and she had accepted.
She had shifted the balance.
He'd been waiting for a sign from her and he'd taken that as a refusal; while she had been hoping that he'd do something about it.
He hadn't.
Something cracked inside Jemma's chest.
He was accepting the change again.
He thought that she didn't feel the same so he took the only route he knew and accepted the change.
Fitz cared for her: she knew that. He would never do something that might bring her pain or hurt her so, being the best friend she'd always had, he'd swallowed his feelings and thought about the best way to leave them both unscathed.
He was letting her go.
Jemma felt her heart shatter in her chest.
Fitz had given up on her. On them.
And it was all her fault.
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