In The Limo
"Ah, I love this, I absolutely love this." Peter sighs. "This is SO sweet of my Har-bear to do this. I love him so much. I guess he wanted to make sure I got to the church on time. Oh, what a darling." He says, but he notices that the limo driver misses the shortcut.
"Actually, I think I think Maple is quicker." Peter tells the limo driver, but he's ignored. "This heads out to the expressway." But the drover still ignores Peter.
"Driver? Driver, you're headed for the expressway. Why don't you turn around? Driver. Driver, stop." Peter says, but the driver still ignores Peter and turns right down a residential street.
"Driver, I said stop!" Peter demands. "Driver, who the hell do you think you are?" Peter angrily snaps and Max turns around and looks at Peter who's sitting in the back of the limo.
"Max, what the fuck are you doing?" Peter asks him, while Flash is pulling over. "Have you lost your goddamn mind? You're ruining the biggest fucking day of my life!" Peter says who's now on the verge of tears.
"Please, Peter. I have something to say." Max says. "You're getting married and you couldn't send an invitation to Flash Thompson? The man who almost gave you his damn last name?"
"I'm sorry." Peter says nonchalantly. "The list was coordinated by people who were highly important to us. But if it makes you feel any better, then this will cheer you up. The Matthew's aren't speaking to me, either." Peter deadpans.
"That's cool."
"Max, what the hell do you want from me?"
"I just want to show you something." Max says, noticing Peter's annoyed tone. "Peter, you see this hair? It is the only one on my forehead. The other traitors fell out a couple years ago after we broke up, but this proud and loyal sprout clings desperately. It is unrelenting. It is true."
"What about it?" He asks Max, suspiciously.
"Pete, it is this hair that I hate more than all the others. Ever since we broke up, and I bleached it almost every week, it mocks me."
"You're psychotic!"
"Because I'm nearly bald?"
"Because you're kidnapping me, you dumb fuck!"
"I'm not kidnapping you." He reassures Peter. "I'm taking you to church, in style."
"You- you are?" Asks a shocked Peter.
"That's right, Peter. This is my gift to you, you know- for cheating on you repeatedly throughout those five years. Anyway, I just wanted a minute alone with you to give my blessings. To show I care." He says. "I mean, Peter, don't you see? I am that hair." He tells Peter, showing him the lone strand of hair on his head. "And you're my big, crazy, bald skull. I may give you some reason to resent me-" He says. Peter looks at him with a look that screams "Really."
"Ok, you hate me, but you cannot shake me. I am loyal."
"Max, you can wear a toupee for the next 38 years long for all I care."
"Don't mess with my metaphor." Flash says.
"All right, Max, the truth." Peter says, moving from his spot in the limo, close to the partition. "Things have been going so well with Harry that I didn't want to deal with you. Honestly, I never want to deal with you ever again. But, as Freud said, our beds are crowded." Peter shrugs, with a tiny, sad smile on his face. "When I sleep with Harry, I-I'm not alone. There's this phantom of you there, and he has the haunts of his prior relationships, and, well, I-I can't pretend you're not a part of me. Like Mariah Carey said in her song Always Be My Baby, you'll always be a part of me."
"So, what are you saying, you slept with this guy?" Max asks and Peter looks at with a deadpan look, for about twenty seconds.
"God dammit, Max, you're missing my point. WE NAMED IT!" He says loudly, with a huge grin on his face. "Anyway, what I'm saying is thank you. Max, for the first time in a long while, you're really acting like a respectable, grown man." He says, reaching through the partition, patting Flash's shoulder.
"I love you, Peter. Even though I know that you don't care anymore, I've always loved you." Flash says, with a small smile on his face.
"And I love that peaceful part of you, Max." Peter tells him, before he yanks Flash's obey strand of hair. "Now drive." Peter says in a monotone voice.
"Ok." Max says painfully, rubbing his head.
"I got a man waiting at the alter for me!" Peter says excitedly, and Max resumes driving.
Get me to the church on time…..