Fwirl stood at the doorway to the kitchens, holding a conversation with Mhera. "Oh yes, Abbess, I've been losing weight. It's hard not to, what with the woodland trifle, the pies full of berries, apples, plums, peaches, pears, rhubarb, and whatnot..."

In the kitchens, Broggle heard her list off the food and immediately opened the larder and eagerly began rummaging around. Shoving aside cups and cups of yogurt, he listened as his wife continued to rattle off delicious foods.

"Raspberry cream tarts, strawberry scones spread with honey, fruit turnovers, and ooh! Great Hall Cake!" Fwirl finally noticed her husband digging around in the cupboards and turned around. "Broggle? What are you doing?"

The squirrel stood up straight, attempting to look innocent.

Yoplait Light!

Gulo was having trouble. Caesar sat in front of him, staring up at him in a mixture of curiosity and expectance. Just... staring.

The wolverine reached for a bag of Cheetohs, noticing that the small cat kept glancing at it. Uneasily, Gulo popped one into his mouth. Big mistake.

"WANT!" Caesar leaped on him and attempted to shove his striped muzzle into the wolverine's mouth in pursuit of the Cheetoh. Gulo, who had gone through several expensive therapy sessions to help his semi-cannibalistic tendencies, let out a startled yelp and swatted at him frantically.

"YEEEEEAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH! GET 'IM OFF GET 'IM OFF GET 'IM OFF!"

"CAESAR!" Kenzie dashed in from the stage, her glasses trembling on her snout. "IF YOU'RE GOING TO STEAL FOOD, DON'T WAIT UNTIL THEY'RE ALREADY EATING IT!"

Realizing his fight for the Cheetoh was lost, Caesar dropped off of Gulo's snout and had a miniature spazattack on the floor. "NYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHH!"

Sighing, Kenzie returned to the stage. "Sorry about that," she apologized wearily. "New guy. So, anyway, over the next few chapters--"

"MOOOOOM!" the random mousebabe from the previous chapter bawled. "She just broke the fourth wall again, twice!"

"OVER THE NEXT FEW CHAPTERS," Kenzie continued tersely. "I will be doing something called 'author's favorites'. Each chapter--"

"MOOOOOM!"

"EACH CHAPTER WILL FEATURE THE AUTHORESS'S FAVORITE CHARACTERS OF A CERTAIN CATEGORY," Kenzie fairly roared. "The category for this chapter--"

"MOOOOOM!"

"THE CATEGORY FOR THIS CHAPTER IS 'FAVORITE WARLORD'," Kenzie screamed, looking like she'd very much like to find something small and furry and kill it. Shaking herself, she held up an envelope and opened it. "The author's favorite warlord is..."

Cluny the Scourge, Urgan Nagru the Foxwolf, Verdauga Greeneyes, Bowflegg, Ungatt Trunn, and various other conquerors leaned forward eagerly.

"...Ferahgo the Assassin."

"Yes!" The blue-eyed weasel leapt out of his seat, punching the air triumphantly before grinning smugly at another warlord. "Take that, Swartty!"

The six-clawed ferret was about to leap at the weasel, but a barrel-chested security badger managed to tackle him before anything regrettable happened.

Ferahgo leapt up onto the stage and seated himself contentedly in the armchair provided.

"The author wanted me to ask you a few questions," Kenzie began. "First of all, do you think your life as a conqueror? Do you think you were successful?"

"Well, up until I got me ribs crushed by a Darkgates-blessed badger, I guess so," the elderly weasel re--

"HEY!" Ferahgo roared suddenly, seeing how the authoress had described him in the previous paragraph. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY 'ELDERLY'?!"

The only audible response from the author was smothered sniggering.

Startled by Ferahgo's yelling, Kenzie failed to notice that Caesar had crept out onstage with his crossbow clutched in both paws. Without warning, he screamed shrilly and began rapid firing in every direction. Sensing that out in the open was no longer a safe place to be, the weasel warlord dove back into the audience.

Kenzie whirled around, ducking just in time to avoid one of the crazed kitten's missiles. "Caesar, you trigger-happy lunatic, give me that crossbow!" The cat dashed off with the enraged rat in pursuit, the former shrieking, "I'MMA FIRIN MAH LAZURS!"

Suddenly, Kenzie stopped in her tracks, reaching into her pocket. "Oh, Caaaeeesaaar..." The tan-and-brown cat performed a wild backflip and landed right in front of her.

"Paintbrush!" the rat roared, waving the aforementioned item in the cat's face.

"NYEEEEEEEEHHHHHHH!" Caesar panicked, dropping his crossbow in the process. Quick as a flash, a security shrew snatched it. At the sight of his beloved weapon taken from him, Caesar let out a long, deafening wail that lasted a full thirty seconds before falling over in a deep sleep.

Facepalming, Kenzie made her way back to the stage, where a familiar black-eared, white rabbit with black fur around her eyes was waiting. "Oh, hello, 42."

The Plot Bunny flapped a paw in greeting. "Hey, Kenz. We have a problem. Caesar's making the fic way too random."

Kenzie facepalmed again. "Oh, for the love of Cyr--"

"DON'T SAY IT!" 42 roared. "You don't need to tell everyone about your new unhealthy obsession!"

"It's not unhealthy!" Kenzie argued, momentarily forgetting that the audience was still listening. "Cyrano de Bergerac is a literary classic! How can it possibly be unhealthy?"

In the audience, Swartt Sixclaw was in stitches. "NERD!"

"Nerd?" Kenzie replied. "Why, yes I am. Always be nice to nerds; they'll eventually be your bosses."

But Swartt, determined to have the last word, made the worst mistake anybeast could make at this point in time. "And Cyrano de Bergerac's nothin' more'n a Marty Stu wid a nose yew could land a corsair galleon on!"

Silence. Dead silence.

Kenzie stared at him, her whiskers quivering with emotion. "What... did you just... say?"

The mocking smile on Swartt's face wavered for a split second before he repeated himself arrogantly. "I said, Cyrano de Bergerac's a Marty Stu wid a nose yew could land a corsair galleon on."

Veil and Klitch covered each other's eyes.

Kenzie let out a deafening roar of rage and launched herself headlong at the ferret, her eyes blazing with something that looked suspiciously like Bloodwrath. Plot Bunny 42 did not move to try to restrain the rat, knowing that no force on earth was more unstoppable than Kenzie at this moment. Not even Caesar on peanut butter.

Well... maybe that's a bit of a stretch...

Backstage, Cyrano had been transported in through the authoress's Happy Place™. Watching from behind the curtain, the Gascon performed a small victory dance, punching the air triumphantly. "Yes! Yes! I have fangirls!"

Why yes, Cyrano de Bergerac is my latest fan-obsession. And yes, I am a complete and total, 100% bona fide authentic nerd. And proud of it!

Apologies to those of you who haven't read it before. But if you do read it, you will most likely find it boring. The main reason I love it is because of how my English teacher explains it to us. Is nice.