Disclaimer: Game of Thrones is D&D's property, after being GRRM's property. Or else, Lancel would be the happiest kid in Westeros, should it be mine.

Summary: Kill the husband and let the father be born. That was exactly how Lancel felt ever since his wife passed away two years ago, leaving him with their only daughter to care for.

In his daughter's eyes

Chapter 4

Lancel smiled as Lelia admired the city gardeners planting winter plants as the season was coming by. Her mother had loved flowers and before she had been killed, she had the project on beoming a florist. Elora knew the vernacular names of all the plants, as well as their latin names, their specialties, their dangerousness, she was a breathing encyclopedia on the subject. He was glad that her daughter seemed to have inherit a bit of her passion, even if it was just admiring the plants or always choosing clothes or hair accessories with flowers on them. It made her still alive in a way. He knew it wasn't healthy to think like this. Lelia was her own person and not her mother's ghost, and Elora herself would be greatly upset and disappointed he'd think that way. Many people told him he needed to let her go, to accept that she was gone, dead and buried. He just couldn't. He still couldn't understand why she was gone, why the driver wasn't even sent to jail because he declared he was sorry and not meaning it. All he had was his licence taken away, some money to give and he was free to go. While Elora's body was decaying under the ground. Why on Earth would he listen to them while they allowed that freak to be free when he made a three years old girl an orphan? No wonder he felt unwell! He couldn't even tell anyone how he felt, all that he kept inside. His sadness, his guilt, his anger, his disgust, everything was slowly eating him alive and those parasites liked how he tasted. The only reason he was fighting them was Lelia. He certainly wasn't the best parent between Elora and him but he was still her father and there was no way he'd leave her an orphan too soon. Never mind his failing body, the fact that he certainly disgusted potential new lovers away. That was a good thing actually. He was a father before being a man, Lelia came first, she'd always come first no matter what. And it wouldn't be as if someone would be interested in a young widow with a young child to raise. He couldn't even confess it to his parents. They had other matters in mind. Martyn was finishing college. Janei was a teenager. He was a grown man. Martyn and Janei came first. And besides, he's sound so pathetic, whining about that. He'd be told to suck it up, to man up, others had it way worse. After all, he was young, considered handsome, he had money, he had a house, he had a child. What did he have to be sad about? Joffrey had told him so.

But the real slap came when close friends told him the same.

People he had let in because he trusted them didn't want to bother with patience or with the mere idea of trying to understand. And then, they left because they thought he had a negative attitude and was a bad influence when he knew that, deep down, they didn't want to see someone slower in his process of grief. If it wasn't for Lelia, he would have killed himself long ago. Maybe he would, once Lelia would be a grown woman, independent and well settled in life. All he had to do was survive until then and enjoy the moments he had with her, as they were the only things that brought him comfort in his pitiful and miserable state of mind. Whenever he felt tired of eternally fighting this exhausting war against his body and himself, one smile from his little girl made it feel all worthwhile.

But after that, he always thought she deserved a better parent. A father strong enough to defeat all of that, a father who would be a real father and not the joke he was. He hated himself and he hated himself for all the thoughts he had, because he knew Lelia loved him, that she looked up to him. Everything inside of his head was a confusing and tiring mess he couldn't tidy or control. He was lost, completely lost. It was a twisted circle and he didn't know how to break it. He couldn't ask for help, no one would care or bother, and he didn't want to bother anyone. And as much as he knew he wasn't alone, as he had a family that would sacrifice anything for him, that's how he felt:

Utterly alone.

A joke, always a joke, on every level. A joke of a father, a joke of a brother, a joke of a son, certainly ashaming his parents. They had tried so hard to have him, sixteen fucking years of waiting and for what result? If only the twins had been the first borns! They were better than him in any light and they would make their parents prouder than he could ever dare hope.

"Daddy, look! It's Ami!"

His girl's happy voice took him out of his mental torture. Amerei was standing a few feet away, looking at a baby shop's front.

"Ami!" Lelia happily shouted

Amerei turned to face them and had a bright smile on her face, waving hello to them and walking to meet them.

"Hey there sweetie!" She said, kneeling to kiss her cheeks

She got up and greated Lancel. The look in the deepest of his eyes scared her. He looked even worse than he did when they saw each other at Willem's party. He was smiling, but inside, he was certainly shattered. She had done her research. Lancel had always been kind of a loner, even at school, having few but good friends. But ever since he had been widowed, he had found himself abandoned by those who called themselves his pals. She believed that what he needed, beyond being able to get used to the idea of Elora being dead, was a friend. A genuine friend. Someone to care for the man, so that it could be fused again with the father. In high school, they were good acquaintances, but not really friends. He had been one of the few to stand for her against the one who put online a video of her foursome, against the slut shaming she faced. It was highly time she paid her debt. But would Lancel even let her enter? He was certainly suffering to an extent she couldn't possibly imagine, he certainly wanted to be left alone to heal, like a wounded animal, with good reasons. But that wasn't the best option. She wanted to help. But how? How to help without smothering him?

"Are you having a baby, Ami?" Lelia asked

She smiled.

"No, I don't. But my sister Walda has a baby in her belly. So Auntie Ami is on her way to spoil her future nephew or niece. What about you?"

"Daddy and I went clothes shopping."

"And did you find anything?"

The little girl nodded and Lancel smiled as he listened to Lelia hauling their purchases to Amerei. He had to admit he didn't expect the woman to be so good with her. Not that he thought she couldn't be good with children. But she was so unique and extravagent he didn't thought she could have that natural motherly instinct.

"Didn't I owe you a drink, Lancel?" She asked him

"Actually, I never answered." He replied

"You didn't say yes then. But you didn't say no either." She retorted

He couldn't help but chuckle. And Lelia seemed to excited to see her.

"Fine. But it's my treat."

"Then, it means I owe you two drinks. Quite clever, Lannister. It's a master plan to see me more."

Now, he couldn't hold back a laugh. It was settled. The trio was crossing the road when they heard a car coming for them at a way too high speed. Lelia being in front of them, she was in line of sight, the first one to be hit. Amerei and Lancel had the same reflex, they ran to her and managed to push her away to safety. Pedestrians stopped by to check on them. Fortunately, no one had been hurt and it had happened so fast that Lelia wasn't in tears or too shocked, though she was shaken. She had feared the car would hit her. And nestle in her father's arms, she could feel him shaking. Amerei noticed his face, it was as if he was disconnected from the outside world, seeing things no one could see. She was the one who took the piece of paper a passerby gave her, as he had managed to take the car's number. She accompanied them home, where she tried to help the best she could. To take off Lelia's mind from the incident, she suggested she watched a movie. Lelia picked Tangled and soon let herself being taken into the magic world of the golden haired princess and of her thief. Lancel hadn't moved from where she had left him, completely out of their universe. She understood why. He had lost his wife, the woman he loved with all his heart, to a drunken driver and he almost lost his only child the same way. She managed to make him sit at the dining room table and gave him a glass of water.

"Have anything stronger?" He asked in a low voice

"There was no beer in your fridge and there is no bar in your house."

She sat by his side and gently took his hand. He didn't push her away.

"Lelia is fine, Lancel. She has been scared, true. But she isn't hurt. She's here, she's alive, she's with you." She said

"I know..."

"Then, what is it?"

Her question was void of any judgement, it was genuine, a true concern about him and it felt weird. Weird but warm.

"It felt like losing Elora all over again..."

She remained silent.

"I was supposed to be the one in that car, you know. It was my turn to go shopping for groceries after work. But I was sick. She wanted me to be able to go straight home after work."

"You didn't kill her."

"It feels like I did."

"But you didn't. You didn't choose to be ill at that time. Elora didn't know she was going to leave. It was simply meant to be. You had no power over it. Had it been you, your wife would be in your shoes, it would be the same, just the genders reversed. You were a great husband to her. I know it because I see how you still care for her, how you still love her. And you are a great father to Lelia. She is so radiant with happiness! You are doing a great job, Lancel. Because you are worth more than you think, you are stronger than you think."

She sounded so convinced he wanted to believe her. He wanted to. He couldn't though. He looked at Lelia, tucking herself under a blanket on the sofa, her Rapunzel doll against her, her thumb in her mouth. A faint smile came on his knew she succeeded. He finally reconnected with reality.

"Need anything else?" She asked

"The least I can do for you is having you over for dinner tonight."

He meant it, but he also wanted to delay the moment where Amerei would leave. Having her over meant he could focus on something else than this bloody car.

"Are you up to it?" She inquired

"I'm always up for cooking." He smiled

He went to see Lelia and her joy when she learnt Amerei was dining with them was contagious.

"What should I make?" He asked her

"Pasta with salmon." The little girl replied

"Good pick, that's my favourite!" Amerei exclaimed

XXXXX

Lancel was in the dark, laying in his bed, after having another wave of dizziness. He had watched over Lelia a bit more that night, still amazed that he didn't lose her earlier. He wanted to ease himself, to get rid of that fear. He heard footsteps and his door opening. Lelia was standing there.

"What is it?" He asked

"Can I sleep with you tonight?" She shyly asked

He agreed and she placed herself near him. She fell asleep quickly. Lancel hugged her, confessing to the four walls around him that he had wanted it too just as much as she did.

To Be Continued