Katniss felt Mercy stirring the next morning and her eyes snapped open. Mercy yawned and stretched her arms above her head, curling closer to her mother.
"You're up, baby girl," Katniss said, kissing her hairline.
"Hi, mommy," Mercy said, her voice raspy and soft. Katniss glanced over her daughter's head and saw Peeta in the reclining chair, still passed out. She let him sleep.
"You were asleep for such a long time," Katniss said, pressing her forehead against Mercy's as they spoke. It was such a relief to see those pretty blue eyes wide open. "I missed you."
"I missed you, too, mommy," Mercy said, smiling. "I never wanna sleep again."
"Deal," Katniss said with a chuckle. "Hey, what's the beat?"
"109 and feelin' fine," Mercy whispered, smiling hard.
"Strong and steady?" Katniss asked for the first time in a while.
"Steady and strong," Mercy parroted, and threw one arm around Katniss's waist to bury her face in her mother's chest. Katniss petted the back of her hair and breathed in how she smelled, never wanting to leave her side again.
"I love you, my girl," Katniss said.
"I love you best, mama."
With Mercy's head resting on her chest, Katniss couldn't help remembering the days when she nursed her. They had such an inseparable bond and the time that they spent together, just sitting in silence, unable to be any closer, was so special. Katniss used to sing Your Song by Elton John to Mercy as she nursed, and would still sing it for her every once in a while when she put her to bed.
I hope you don't mind; I hope you don't mind that I put down in words…how wonderful life is now that you're in the world.
She hummed the tune now and felt Mercy's fingers lazily play with her hair; something she'd been doing since she was a baby on Katniss's hip. Her hand would instinctively go to the back of her mother's head to pet her hair without really even knowing what she was doing.
When Peeta woke up, they were still lying in the same position. Katniss watched him awaken slowly, taking in a deep breath and stretching his legs outward. The first thing he did was meet her eyes and then glance at Mercy, raising his eyebrows. "She up?" he asked.
Katniss nodded. "Just cuddling," she said. "Singing a little bit."
"Sad I missed it," Peeta said with a smile. He got up and walked to the bed, and Mercy rolled over onto her back. "There's my girl that I love," he said, practically beaming.
"Daddy," Mercy said, grinning. She stretched her arms up and Peeta gave her a big hug, kissing her cheeks over and over again. "I love you best."
A week later, Mercy was stronger than ever. It still hadn't snowed and it was December 19th; the weather was actually getting increasingly warmer. That day it was almost 60 degrees; the sun was shining, birds were chirping, and Mercy was standing up by the window tethered to her oxygen tank, dying to be outside.
She hadn't breathed the air out of the hospital for over a week. Katniss felt horrible for cooping her up.
Dr. Calloway came in for a midday checkup, and saw Mercy standing with her palms to the windows, gazing out longingly. "Hey, little lady," she called, and Mercy scampered over to her favorite doctor and gave her a big hug. "Let's check up on that heart."
"Do you have to take blood from me?" Mercy asked, curling her elbows in close to her body.
"Nope, no blood today. You have a few days to dodge us until we steal some more from you," the doctor said, and pressed a stethoscope to Mercy's chest. "Wow, that's the strongest heart I've ever heard!" she said, her brown eyes sparkling.
"Can I go home yet, Lizzie?" Mercy asked, deflating against her pillow. Katniss watched the doctor for her answer, though she already knew what it was. Mercy's antibiotic treatment wasn't over for two-and-a-half more weeks.
"No, not yet, I'm sorry to say," Dr. Calloway said, pulling the blood pressure sleeve away from Mercy's skinny arm. "But you know what? I might be able to compromise with you a little bit." She looked affirmatively at Katniss and Peeta and continued. "It's such a nice day outside, what if you, Mommy and Daddy took a little day trip? Wherever you want to go. As long as you stay in your chair and take your breather and come back before dinner, you can take a field trip today."
Katniss's heart leapt. "Really?" she asked, even before Mercy could react.
"Really," Dr. Calloway said, and Katniss felt a rush of appreciation for her. She must've been able to see how much the hospital had started to oppress Mercy, too. "She's been doing so well. All of her vitals have stayed strong, and the vegetations have started clearing off her heart, judging by the scan on Thursday." It had been a relief for everyone to see a cleaner scan. "There's no reason why she can't. I'll sign a release form, and we'll just need her back in time for evening rounds. Can you do that?"
Peeta nodded this time, looking at the doctor like she was a saint. And in that moment, she was. "Thank you," he said.
"You're welcome," she replied, hearing the gravity of his words.
"Can I wear my real clothes?" Mercy asked hopefully. She had grown so tired of the papery hospital gowns.
"While you're outside, of course you can," Dr. Calloway said. "Now, get outta here. I don't want to see you until dinner! Go have fun, okay? I'll page a nurse in here to get you all prepped."
Once she left, the three of them embraced. Katniss was so happy she could cry. "Where do you want to go?" she asked her daughter, looking to Peeta for suggestions too.
"The special fountain," Mercy said, without even pausing to think.
They didn't need to ask for clarification. They had been taking her to Buckingham fountain ever since she was a toddler, getting splashed by the spray when it was hot and sitting on the benches surrounding it when it was cold. It had been a landmark in their lives long before she was born, and they wanted to share it with her, albeit separately, once she came into the world.
They had never gone there together all three of them as a family.
"Anything you want," Peeta said, and then looked to Katniss. "You wanna get her clothes?"
Katniss nodded and dug through the duffel bag she had packed while a nurse hooked Mercy up to a portable oxygen tank and had Peeta sign the release forms under Dr. Calloway's name. Katniss picked out a stretchy pair of jeans, short tan Ugg boots and her favorite blue sweater of Mercy's, and then helped her into it all. Mercy had lost a lot of her strength from being in the hospital for an extended period of time, so even little tasks like getting herself dressed had become strenuous. Katniss didn't mind, though. It reminded her of when Mercy was smaller and depended on her for much more.
She brushed out her daughter's hair and then wove it into a loose braid down her back, a hairstyle that Mercy was always partial to after seeing it on Katniss for so many years. She slipped a North Face jacket on over the blue sweater and then looked to Peeta, who was already dressed in his own fleece, ready to go.
He took Katniss's place behind the wheelchair, and it felt like they were walking out of the hospital with Mercy for the very first time all over again.
As they walked, Katniss kept a steadying hand on the small of Peeta's back, both for his comfort and her own. He had been going to work during the days for the past week, but she had taken a leave and stayed with Mercy. It surprised her how much she missed him while he was gone. She hadn't actively missed him in years, but the feeling was not entirely unwelcome. Mostly because of the elation she felt when he appeared back in the doorway, dressed in his business casual attire, usually bearing some sort of surprise for the two of them.
That's what it would've been like had they raised her together, like a normal family. That intrusive thought kept making its way into Katniss's head every time it got the chance.
She didn't know what to make of it. She felt herself falling into the role of not only the mother, but the wife. And Peeta fit perfectly in the mold of the husband.
Neither of them were fighting it, and Mercy was thriving because of it.
Even so, they didn't speak about it. Katniss was too scared, and she assumed that Peeta was, too. Plus, they had bigger things to worry about.
Peeta painstakingly pushed Mercy out to his car in the wheelchair, minding every little bump or gap in the pavement, and then tried to pick her up to put her in her booster seat.
"Daddy, I can do it by myself," she insisted, then stood up on her own and climbed into the seat, buckling herself.
"Well, look at you," Katniss said, planting her hands on her hips. "Miss independent."
Mercy beamed as Peeta buckled her oxygen tank next to her in the middle seat.
They drove to the fountain with the windows cracked, enjoying the feeling of fall weather even as winter descended down upon them. Katniss rested her arm on the console for the ride down Lakeshore Drive and Peeta did too, clasping her hand when they were about halfway there.
He convinced himself that he did it to support her. To tell her without words that they were in this together; he wouldn't admit to himself that there was more to the small action.
It was hard not to let the flood of memories take over his brain. They were headed to Buckingham fountain, the place where they had met nine years ago and the place where he had almost proposed to her. The day was unseasonably beautiful, they were together and their daughter was in the back seat. He couldn't think of a way that the day could be more perfect.
They parked and Peeta got the wheelchair out of the trunk, coming around with it for Mercy. He took off his fleece because the temperature had started to climb, and even the light wind coming from the lake wasn't enough to keep him cool.
"Mommy, can I take mine off, too?" Mercy asked as she sat down in the wheelchair. Peeta hooked up her oxygen tank to the side of it as Katniss gave in to her request and draped her tiny fleece over the back of the chair. It really was too warm to wear; it was hard to believe.
There was about a two-block walk from where they parked to where they wanted to be, but once they got there the sound of the water was deafening.
"I don't remember it being this big," Katniss said, craning her neck to look up at the different tiers of the fountain.
Peeta stifled a laugh and got a smack on the arm because of it.
"Why's Daddy laughing?" Mercy asked.
"Because Daddy's gross," Katniss answered, smacking him again for good measure.
"I know," Mercy said, still facing forward and marveling at the water as they got closer and closer. "He burps and even farts, mommy."
"Maybe we should take him to the pound," Katniss said. "Or should we keep him?"
Mercy laughed; a high, musical chime that fit right under the roar of the water. "We can keep him."
When they got to the fountain, right up next to the gate, the water spritzed their faces. Mercy braced her hands on the armrests of her wheelchair and Peeta knelt down next to it, Katniss following suit soon after.
"The big one!" Mercy said excitedly, pointing up to the sky where a huge surge of water jetted out. "It's touching the sky!" She looked between her parents with a look of pure joy on her face, her chest heaving as she breathed. Her voice was thin with the work it took to speak.
Katniss sat down and crossed her legs as she held one of Mercy's hands, so Peeta did the same. "I haven't seen the jets go off in years," Katniss said. "How about you, Peeta?"
"No, I can't remember the last time I did," he said.
"I remember," Mercy said smartly. "It was summertime and I had my cherry dress on and me and Daddy gotted Dunkin Donuts and came here. They were melted all over our hands and we got all sticky, but we just wiped it on our clothes, and we got here and watched the big water go."
Katniss looked to Peeta for assurance, and he nodded. The memory came back to him as soon as his daughter said it. The summer day had been hot and humid; the icing on their doughnuts hadn't stood a chance. Mercy was almost four, and he had carried her for most of the day, but let her down when they came to the fountain. There was so much space to run around that she could go wild with uninhibited energy.
"I do remember now that you say it, Cici," he said. "You have such a good memory."
"Mama says like an elephant; I never forget anything. I even remember back when I was one years old. I remember when I was a baby."
"Oh, really?" Peeta asked, raising his eyebrows.
Mercy stuck out her chin proudly. "Uh-huh."
"What do you remember?" he asked, standing up with Katniss to push the wheelchair around to take in the circumference of the fountain. "Tell me a story."
"I remember that you and Mommy meeted here for the very first time ever," she said, letting out a big sigh after the last word.
"Remember to breathe," Katniss reminded her.
Mercy went on with her story. "You and Mommy meeted here and that's why it's the special fountain," she said. "I remember the story because Mommy told me it lots of times."
Peeta looked at Katniss with a sly smirk on his face. She avoided his gaze.
"Why don't you tell it to us now?" Peeta asked.
"I want you to tell it," Mercy insisted, and Peeta, of course, obliged.
They sat down on a bench and he could tell that Katniss badly wanted to pull Mercy onto her lap, but knew that she shouldn't to keep the oxygen tank in place. Instead, she ran her fingers up and down Mercy's arms over her sweater, and kissed her forehead.
"Well, it was just around fall time," Peeta began, and Katniss leaned back and got comfortable to listen to him.
It had been early fall. September to be specific. Katniss was sitting on a bench near the fountain by herself, not doing much but reading. She had wanted to get away from campus and her roommate, Glimmer, who was already too much for her to handle.
So she came to the one place she knew she could find solace. Though it was far away, she thought it would be worth it.
Not even thirty minutes after she showed up, a tall, loud-speaking man came up and sat beside her, breaching her personal space. She looked up from her book and smiled curtly at him, which only encouraged his actions further.
"What are you reading?" he had asked. She held up the cover of her book; Best American Short Stories. "I prefer novels," he said. "I could give you this list of recommendations I have. I've been making it up for a while."
"No, thanks," Katniss said, trying to keep her eyes down on the pages, "I have plenty to read for school."
"Oh, school? Where do you go?"
"Northwestern," she said.
"Damn, you must be smart then," he said, "With looks like yours, I pegged you for more of a DePaul girl."
She had no idea what that was supposed to mean. Her best friend, Madge, went to DePaul. She didn't care enough to ask him to clarify.
"Or maybe a Columbia girl, I don't know. Those girls are usually freaks, though, and I mean that in the best way." He laughed lasciviously at his own joke. She didn't crack a smile or even attempt eye contact in efforts that he'd get the message to back off and leave.
"I've never met a Northwestern girl, not formally, at least," he said, leaning closer, "you should show me what they're like. Show me around campus, you know, I'd like to see it." He laughed. "I know I'm being forward. But I find, with girls like you, it tends to reel you right in. How am I doing?"
She looked up desperately. The expanse around the fountain was wide and full of people but without many distractions. She didn't know how she'd make an excuse to leave or to get him to go away.
"Oh, come on, don't get scared off," he said condescendingly, "I'm just trying to make friends with you. You look new here, don't be so ungrateful."
Katniss shut her book, about ready to get up and sprint, but she never got to that point.
She felt an arm wind around her shoulders and a warm body appear beside her. She tried to pull away until she saw the look on the first guy's face.
"Hey babe," the unknown stranger said, and then looked to the unwelcome man. "Sorry, give me a second. Did you remember to lock the door this morning? Because I totally can't remember if I did or not. Here's the tea you asked for, by the way." He handed her a cup that was completely full of pink, tropical-looking liquid. "Who's this? Is he bothering you?"
"He's, ah…" Katniss stammered.
"Whatever," the guy muttered, and stalked away before any more words could be exchanged between them.
Instantly, the stranger took his arm away from her and gave her back her space. "God, I'm sorry about that. He just looked like he was bothering you, and I usually find that with my girl friends, they need some way out of it. I've gotten pretty good at being the out."
"Your girlfriends? As in plural?" Katniss asked, raising her eyebrows. She handed him back the pink tea and he took a long sip.
He laughed. "No, my friends that are girls." He laughed again, this time a little softer. "I'm Peeta."
"Katniss," she said, and felt her cheeks warm. She shook his hand.
"It's nice to formally meet you. If you ever need a fake boyfriend again, you can hire me for 10 dollars an hour."
Then it was her turn to laugh. "What does your real girlfriend think about your façade?" she asked.
He scoffed. "Real girlfriend, wow. You already think so highly of me." He shook his head. "Peeta Mellark, perpetually single."
"Katniss Everdeen, in the same boat," she said, and then stared down at her sandals.
"Hey, why don't I take you out to lunch? To sort of apologize for the overall shittiness of the male gender. It's the least I can do."
She took him up on it. They had started dating two weeks later, and went strong for almost five years after.
By the end of the story, Mercy had fallen asleep in her wheelchair. Peeta looked at Katniss after he finished speaking and locked eyes with her, spiraling deep into the gray pools that he had once fallen in love with.
He couldn't stop himself before it happened. He leaned forward and kissed her.
He expected her to return it with fervor, to grip his arms and give herself to him, but she did the opposite. She pulled away, a surprised look on her face, and shook her head just slightly.
"Peeta, you're already taken," she said quickly, but her hip stayed rested against his.
He pressed his lips together. She was right. He wondered how smart it was to continue the relationship with Delly when so much was going on in his emotional life that she was so unaware of. It wasn't fair to her. But right now, it would be adding too much stress to his life to end it.
He knew he had to, though, for her sake.
"I know," he sighed. "I know. Jesus, I'm sorry."
"It's okay," Katniss said, and took his wrist. "Because I…" she didn't finish her sentence.
"You what?" he asked.
She sighed and shook her head.
"You what?" he pushed again.
"I feel it," she finally admitted, turning her head to look deep into his eyes. "I can, too. I know what you… but we just can't. Not right now. Not when she…" she gestured towards Mercy with her head lolled to one side and her perfect pink lips slackened with sleep.
"I know," Peeta said. "It's getting chillier now. We should get back to the hospital."
They stood up and wheeled Mercy back to the car, then lifted her into the backseat as she stayed asleep.
Peeta wasn't sure when the next time was that she'd be able to be outside again, and he wished she was awake to say a formal goodbye to the fountain, at least for a while. But he wasn't cruel enough to wake her because she got exhausted so easily.
"It was a good day," Katniss said, after Peeta was inside the car. She gripped his hand that had come to rest on the gear shift and squeezed his knuckles.
He leaned over and pressed his lips to her temple, and she leaned into the kiss.
"It was a great day," he agreed.
Then they pulled away and headed back towards the hospital, watching life as they used to know it rush past the car windows on Lakeshore Drive.
That night after evening rounds, Mercy fell asleep halfway through her hospital dinner. Katniss and Peeta smiled at each other and cleared away her food, quiet enough so not to wake her.
Katniss pulled the tray back around the bed and then tucked Mercy under her covers, carefully situating her so she wasn't on top of any wires, and then put her orange stuffed cat in her arms.
"Little baby is so tired from all the activity today," Peeta said, stroking his daughter's smooth forehead. "Do you think she had fun?"
Katniss nodded, sitting on the opposite side of the bed. "I know she did," she said. "She loves hearing that story of how we met." She chuckled softly. "She's such a sappy little romantic."
"Takes after someone," Peeta said, then walked his fingers up Katniss's thin arm.
"Yeah, you," she said, pointing a finger back at him. "Mr. Elaborate Proposal Plan."
"So many girls would kill for that, Katniss," he said, "I'm a hot commodity."
"And yet you chose me," she said.
A heavy silence followed. To break it, Katniss got up from Mercy's bed and changed into her pajamas, facing the curtained window. Peeta watched her; the lithe muscles of her back rippling as she pulled her day shirt off over her head, her shoulder blades jutting out as she slipped her nightshirt on. He knew he should've averted his eyes when she dropped her jeans and was left in her underwear, but he couldn't force himself to. Her ass was something he never used to be able to take his eyes off of, and that moment proved that nothing had changed in that respect. He couldn't help it; it looked perfect in her polka-dotted underwear, with just a little bit peeking out on the sides. She pulled on loose-fitting drawstring pajama pants, and then turned back around as she put her hair up in a bun.
"You look comfy," he said, and stretched out on the couch that was in the new room that Mercy had been issued just earlier that night. Since she had stayed for longer than a week, they got a more comfortable space.
"Are you going to get changed, too?" she asked him, stretching her arms above her head, which made a tiny sliver of her belly peek out from under her shirt.
"Yeah, I am. I-" His phone rang, cutting off his sentence. He looked down at the screen and saw that it was Delly, and knew he needed to pick up. "Hold on," he said.
When he got up and left the room, Katniss sat at the foot of Mercy's bed and wondered where she would sleep for the night. With Mercy was out of the question – that was too risky. Peeta had seemed to claim the couch, and the only thing left was a rocking chair with wooden arms in the corner, which would be highly uncomfortable.
She sighed and tried not to listen in on Peeta's conversation, though it was hard in the first place because of the hushed tones he was speaking in. She clenched her teeth and ground them together as she thought of Delly at their house, sitting by the fireplace with a cup of tea, not a worry in the world. Katniss practically had resentment seeping from her pores.
When Peeta came back in the room, he seemed more withered than before and something sick within Katniss was glad for it.
"Everything okay?" she asked, and he went over to his backpack and dug out a pair of blue flannel pajama pants and the Chicago Bears t-shirt. She rolled her eyes at his choice, and he smiled at her reaction. He had worn it every night so far that week just to provoke a reaction out of her, and she, of course, always delivered.
"Yeah, it's fine," he said with a sigh. "She's just…" he shook his head. "I don't know. It's hard for her to understand."
"What's hard to understand?" Katniss asked, a defensive clip in her voice. Peeta met her eyes as he changed shirts and she willed her gaze not to flit to his abdomen. Or to the bulge between his legs when he changed his pants right in front of her. "Jesus, Peeta," she said.
"What? You did it," he said, facing his palms up towards her submissively. "How come I get in trouble for it?"
"You're…." she stammered for a words. "You're different. Anyway, what could possibly be hard for Delly to understand?" She remembered that Mercy was asleep just inches away, so she lowered her voice to a harsh whisper. "That our daughter has heart problems and gets sick? That you are her father and want to stay with her because you love her?"
"I don't think that's it," he said, plopping down on the couch again, on the far side so his left elbow could rest on the arm.
"What is it then?" Katniss asked, widening her eyes for effect.
"Me coming here after work every day. Spending every night here. She's not bothered that I'm with Mercy, she's bothered that I'm with you," he said, emphasizing the last part.
It wasn't that Katniss didn't already know. But hearing it out loud made it all the more real. "Oh," she said, letting his words sink in. "Well…she still has no right to burden you with her own insecurities. I'm Mercy's mother-"
"Katniss," he said softly, "you don't need to defend yourself to me. Or defend me to me. I already explained it all to her, and she's doing her best to understand."
"Doesn't sound like her best is good enough."
"But is anyone's best good enough for you?" he asked, only half joking.
Katniss looked at him hard for a few moments, trying to decipher the meaning of his words. She wondered how far back in time they reached. "Of course it is," she said with a jerk of her head.
He sighed. "I'm exhausted. I'm ready to hit the hay." He laid down on his side on the soft couch, his back against the cushions. Katniss stood up from Mercy's bed and walked over to the rocking chair, where she was about to retire to for the night. "K, what the hell are you doing?" he called from the other side of the room.
"Going to bed," she said, "I don't want to lay with Mercy, I wouldn't sleep a wink. I'd worry all night whether-"
"You can't sleep on the damn rocking chair," he said with a scoff. "Come over here and lay next to me. I won't try anything."
"Yeah," she said with an eye-roll, "I remember you saying that when we slept on the futon that time we stayed with my mom, and look how true it was back then."
He laughed, but tried to stifle it with his hand. "This is different. Come on, there's plenty of room."
It didn't take much for her to give in. She flicked the light off and walked to the couch, sitting down first and then melding herself against Peeta's body. Though the couch was big, but not many couches were wide enough to lay side-by-side and not be touching. He had one arm outstretched that she used as a pillow, and instead of facing him, she chose to face out towards Mercy instead. Without a place for his other arm to go, the only choice he had was to drape it over her hips, and that was what he did. With a very subtle shift, he situated her closer to him, possibly for the comfort of his arm and possibly for other reasons, but she let it happen either way.
"This doesn't make things any less confusing," Katniss whispered.
She felt him take a deep inhalation and his hand flattened over her hipbone. She wanted so badly for his hand to move upward and hold her even tighter, for him to cup her breast and tuck his face into her neck, but she knew that would never happen.
"It's not confusing," he insisted, his voice close to her ear. It gave her chills. "We're with Mercy. You're her mother. I'm her father. There's only one place to sleep, and I'm keeping you from falling off."
She sighed, defeated that he could look at things so simply from the surface even though they both knew that it was much more complicated than that.