(2011)

It was three a.m., and Dan was still up. This wasn't particularly surprising- he was infamous for pulling all-nighters, especially with exams right around the corner. I got to my feet, kicking the sheets away, and headed toward the lounge to try coaxing him to bed. As I got closer to the open doorway, I became aware of a strangled mumbling sound, and it only took a few seconds to realize it was coming from Dan.

He was sat on the edge of the sofa, textbook in hand, but he wasn't reading it. Instead, he was staring straight ahead with an almost frighteningly blank expression on his face. Every few seconds, he'd glance down and turn the page roughly, and then he'd continue staring at the wall. I stood at the arm of the sofa, almost afraid to interrupt whatever he was doing, but as I got down to eye level I could see the shine of tears on his cheek.

"Dan?" I said softly, inching around to kneel in front of him. One hand reached out to touch his shoulder, and as I made contact he jerked away- rather violently- and the book thumped to the floor at his feet. He bent forward to pick up it and opened it to the middle. "Dan."

He made no effort to respond to me, instead looking down blankly at the pages. "Dan, it's nearly four in the morning," I said as I took the textbook from his now trembling fingers. His eyes were glassy and wide, and I suddenly realized why he was acting so weird. I'd never seen him try to do schoolwork in littlespace.

"Danny," I whispered as I gathered him into my arms. At the mention of his name, he finally stirred to life and tucked his face into my neck, arms wrapping around me in a vice grip. I wondered how long he'd been like this as he let out tiny whimpers, tightening his grip further when I slid over.

"Daddy, don't go." He finally spoke, which I hadn't really expected of him now that I knew what was happening. He almost never spoke when he slipped, but now he was, and his voice was broken. I could feel a total breakdown coming, and all I could do was somehow hold him tighter as his sobs shook us both.

"I'm not going anywhere," I promised him, and he gave a tiny nod, his hair tickling my throat as he moved. My hands went around, one rubbing circles into his side and the other reaching for his face. He leaned into my touch and let out a strangled sound that could have been a sigh. His hands fisted into my shirt as he struggled to calm himself down. It felt like hours, but eventually his breathing slowed, and he heaved a heavy sigh as he pushed himself just far enough to meet my gaze. His brown eyes were glassy with unshed tears, cheeks wet with tear-tracks, and my heart was breaking at this version of him.

It was silent for a moment, no sound but that of our breaths, his quick and faulty, mine slow and deep, and after a few seconds, he opened his mouth and said, "I don't want to do this anymore." I was a little surprised at the tone- it wasn't high-pitched like it usually was when he talked in little space, and even when he did talk, he only said two or three words at a time. I realized with a start that he hadn't gone into little space at all -though it had to be something similar-, even though he'd called me 'daddy'.

"You don't have to," I assured him, though I wasn't one hundred percent sure what he meant. He could've been talking about anything from wanting to go to bed to wanting to break up with me. Instead of speaking again, he tucked himself back into my arms and started crying again.

"It's all I have," he whimpered, raising his head to look up at me through his lashes. The sight of it was almost enough to make me break down myself, but I held myself together while he continued. "I'm never going to be make it on YouTube,' he said, shaking his head against my chest. "I'm not good at anything else. Uni is the only thing I can fall back on."

"You don't want to be a lawyer," I told him as I kissed his hair. "I know you don't." I felt his jaw move when he opened his mouth again- to protest, I was sure. "You can't tell me otherwise," I continued, resting my chin on top of his head. I heard a sniffle. "Just quit," I said rather suddenly.

"I can't"-

"No, no," I interrupted. "Just hear me out." He sighed again, but let me speak. "You're so good at what you do. You love making those videos, even if you do complain and procrastinate worse than anyone I've ever met." He laughed at this, and I smiled. "This isn't the first time you've stressed yourself out because of exams, but I've never seen you this upset. I hate it."

"What if I'm a failure?" His voice was tiny and muffled through the fabric of my shirt. I couldn't help but laugh.

"You won't be," I said as I hugged him close to me. "I won't let it happen."

He leaned away, reaching for my hand. "You promise?" I gave his hand a squeeze and moved my free hand to cup his now dry cheek. He was smiling when I leaned in to kiss him softly.

"I promise."

X

"Philly, look!"

Dan and I were in the lounge, taking down the Christmas decorations- well, I was taking down Christmas decorations while Dan laid on the floor colouring a picture I wasn't allowed to see yet- and all of a sudden I heard his excited yell from across the room. I turned away from the window to see him no longer on the floor, but sprawled out on the sofa and scrolling through something on his phone.

"What is it?" I walked over and lifted his legs to sit down beside him, and he twisted around so that his head was in my lap. His features were smoother than usual, and I had come to associate that with his "happy" little space, as he liked to say. The kind that didn't come from overwhelming stress. He quite literally shoved his phone in my face and I read the words off on the screen. It was an email informing him of his 3 millionth subscriber.

"That's amazing, Danny!" I exclaimed, glancing down at his smiling face. His eyes twinkled with excitement and his hands shot up again to snatch the phone away, but instead of going back to whatever he'd been doing, he tossed it aside and sat himself up to sit in my lap properly. "I'm so proud of you," I said as he laid his head sideways on my shoulder. "I knew you'd make it."

"Daddy's always right," Danny said with a giggle that was abruptly cut off by a yawn. I reached down to pat a bit of skin that had been exposed when he raised an arm up and he let out another squeal.

"Is it time for bed, love?" I asked, already knowing the answer. If it was a question, the answer was always-

"No!" He insisted immediately, shaking his head against my neck. "Never!"

"Yes, I think it is," I told him. He shook his head again, but didn't say anything. He'd become less and less verbal the deeper he got into little space. Sometimes it was gradual and sometimes it would all happen at once- one moment he was Dan and the next he was silent Danny. "Yes, you're getting sleepy. You're a sleepy bear." I scooted to the edge of the cushion and he wrapped his legs around. We were both familiar with the routine by this point.

I carried him up the stairs to the bathroom and sat him down on the toilet. After a few minutes of debate, he agreed to "try go" and I gave his blushing cheek a kiss when he stood up triumphantly. He decided on the dinosaur onesie to sleep in.

"Smell good now," he remarked after helping me rub him down with lavender baby lotion (and by help, I mean he slathered it all over my cheeks), and then we spent a full ten minutes shuffling back and forth to get him into the suit- mainly because he would not sit still. It was all in good fun, though, and I knew that. I'd known that when I signed up for this life nearly five years ago.

"Time for bed," I announced after he was fully dressed. He opened his mouth to protest, like usual, and I cut him off with, "Pooh's waiting on you. He's got something for you."

Danny squealed loudly as I led him down the hall and pulled away from me to clap his hands together when he saw one of his Winnie the Pooh stuffies lying on the pillow with a solid black pacifier around his paw. I'd ordered it earlier that week from a place that made baby things in adult sizes. It would keep his jaw from hurting when he tried to suck on a baby-sized one.

I walked over to pull the covers down while he busied himself with the new toy, and when I called his name, he turned around with a half-hidden grin on his face and Pooh tucked under one arm. He came over and plopped down on the bed, patting the empty sheets right away to let me know I had to come, too. When I slid in beside him, he wriggled until his back was flush against my chest, and then he reached back to take my arm and wrap it around his waist. I raised up and leaned over to give him and Pooh both a goodnight kiss, and then tightened my grip on him. My other arm slid underneath him and his hand found mine beside the pillow, fingers intertwining beneath the blankets. After a few seconds I realized I'd forgotten something, and released him for a moment to switch the lamp off. I heard him giggle in the darkness.

"Don't you ever forget," I whispered to him. "I'm so proud of you. Always. You're my special baby boy."

There was a slight pressure as he twisted his head to the side. "Love you too, daddy."