"Oh, what a beautiful morning! Oh, what a beautiful day! I've got a beautiful feeling, everything's going my way!"
Tetch groaned as the singing, combined with a sudden burst of unwelcome sunlight, woke him from a solid sleep. As his eyes adjusted to the brightness, he saw that Harley had pulled the curtains and was now whistling happily as she dusted around his room.
"Morning, Jervis!" she exclaimed, beaming. "Time to rise and shine! I've made breakfast so you can start the day right!"
"What time is it?" muttered Tetch, reaching for his pocket watch on the nightstand.
"Time to be up and at 'em!" replied Harley, cheerfully. "The sun is up, so we should be too, ain't that right?"
"The moon was shining sulkily, because she thought the sun, had got no business to be there, after the day was done—'It's very rude of him,' she said, 'To come and spoil the fun!'" muttered Tetch in annoyance as he sat up, reaching for his dressing gown.
"Aw, is that more of your Wonderland stuff?" asked Harley. "Maybe if you have a copy lying around I'll read it during my stay. Since you guys don't seem to have a TV, there ain't really much else to do but read, not that I'm complaining. It's nice to be able to catch up on the all the classic books I should have read by now. I really enjoyed taking English in college, y'know, but psychiatry was my major and my true passion, and it turned out great in that it let me meet Mr. J, so I ain't got any regrets. I just finished Pride and Prejudice and I gotta say, I don't see why all the gals love this Darcy guy. He's really stiff and boring, and no fun. Not my type at all…"
Harley continued to babble as Tetch followed her into the living room, where Crane was already seated at the table, looking equally annoyed at being awoken so early, and nursing a cup of coffee.
"Now as a special treat, I made pancakes!" cried Harley, emerging from the kitchen with two plates. "And they're real happy to see you!"
The pancakes had two fried eggs for eyes, and a slice of bacon for a smile. "Mr. J likes to make his smiley faces outta syrup, but you guys don't appear to have any," she continued. "Guess you ain't fans of sugary stuff, but Mr. J just has the biggest sweet tooth. I joke with him and ask him why that don't make him more sweet, and he usually just punches me in the face, but it's all a gag, y'know…"
"Harley, I wonder if you wouldn't mind…being quiet," said Crane, gently. "Both Jervis and I prefer to wake up gradually with silence for reflective contemplation, and we're not the most loquacious people early in the morning."
"Yeah, Mr. J ain't a morning person either," sighed Harley. "He's a real grumpy baby. But he ain't as polite as you when he wants me to be quiet – either he tells me to shut my useless face or just slaps me around. But I don't mind because he loves me really, y'see…"
"'O Oysters,' said the Carpenter, 'You've had a pleasant run! Shall we be trotting home again?' But answer came there none - And this was scarcely odd, because they'd eaten every one," muttered Tetch.
Harley stared at him. "You know what that means, Johnny?" she asked Crane.
"I think it means he'd like to be left to enjoy his meal in peace," retorted Crane. "But thank you very much for making breakfast, Harley."
"No problemo, Johnny!" said Harley, beaming. "I'll just be reading quietly over here if you need me. I'm on to Wuthering Heights now, and this Heathcliff guy is much more my type. I like a man who curses the woman he loves to eternal torment so they can wander the earth together forever – so romantic!"
She sighed adoringly, picking up the book and curling up into an armchair. Crane and Tetch shared a look, and then started eating breakfast. They had both taken just a single bite of their meal before they shared another look, and then spat out the food discreetly into their napkins. Harley had many talents, but cooking was not one of them.
It was for this reason that Tetch insisted on making the scones and sandwiches for tea later that day, although he told Harley that it was because he wanted to be a hospitable host. He also wanted to spend as little time as possible with Miss Reeves, who arrived early in the afternoon as per Crane's invitation. His dislike of the previous day toward her had not disappated – she was perfectly kind and friendly in her attitude toward him, but something still felt false and deceitful about her. It wasn't a rational dislike, but to his mind, it was still a valid one.
About halfway through tea, an angry knocking suddenly sounded on the door. "Johnny! Hatty! If that useless waste of space is in there with you, tell her to get her worthless ass out here now!"
Harley sighed, standing up. "I'll handle this," she muttered, striding over to the door and throwing it open to reveal the furious face of the Joker.
"There you are, you little minx!" he hissed. "Do you have any idea what kinda trouble you've caused me?! I've been up most of the night scouring Gotham for you! There's a pile of dirty dishes and laundry at home with your name on it, so come back with me right now and do the only thing you're good at, you useless little brat!"
He had seized her arm, but she wrenched it away angrily. "You think talking to me like that is gonna make me wanna do anything for you?" she demanded.
"Yeah, it usually turns you on, you dumb blonde!" he snapped. "And so does this!" He struck her a harsh blow across the face, and she immediately returned it.
"I ain't in the mood, all right, Mr. J?!" she shrieked. "I ain't forgiven you for shoving me outta a window when you swore to me it wouldn't happen again! You remember that?! After I tried to kill the Bat using your own plan because I thought that meant we could settle down and be happy together, you ungrateful jerk! And I spent weeks in the hospital after that, but did I come back to you?! Yeah! And you know why?! It wasn't just because you gave me a stupid flower – it was because you promised me it wouldn't happen again! You promised! How can I ever trust you if you keep breaking your promises, Mr. J?!"
"You would have come back even if I hadn't promised, you stupid bimbo!" he shouted. "You can't live without me!"
"Yeah? Then why did you promise?" she demanded. "Was it a joke? Cause it wasn't funny, Mr. J, and neither is breaking it! You know I don't mind a little roughing up, but I don't ever wanna end up in the hospital again because of you! I hate hospitals, and I always have! I won't put up with you hurting me so much I end up there! You wanna apologize to me now, or I ain't ever coming back!"
He was livid. "You think you can blackmail an apology outta me, you worthless broad?!" he demanded. "Do you know who I am?! I'm the Joker! Nobody blackmails the Joker!"
"Yeah, and nobody loves the Joker except me!" shrieked Harley. "I'm the exception to the rule, Mr. J, I've always been the exception to the rule! The Joker don't allow nobody to get close to him, but he let me! The Joker don't allow people to see behind his smile, but he let me! He don't tell people he loves them, but he told…"
Joker slapped her. "You watch your mouth, you worthless dame!" he shrieked. "I don't love you, all right?! Jesus, Harl, it was all a joke, don't you get it?! Every time I told you I loved you, it was all just some stupid joke! I couldn't care less about you, but you'll still come back to me and let me use you because you're so hopelessly dependent on me that I can do whatever the hell I want to you, and you'll still be begging for more! That's why I keep you around, you stupid woman! Because it makes me laugh to see how pathetic you are! I don't love you! I don't love anyone! I'm the Joker!"
Harley glared back at him. "Yeah, you're the Joker," she hissed. "And you're on your own now. Goodbye, Mr. J."
She slammed the door in his face and strode back into the living room. A second later she heard a round of gunshots, and the door fell in on itself.
"Don't you walk away from me, you pathetic dame!" shouted Joker, rushing after her. "I'll break your face! I'll…"
He paused when he saw the others seated at the table, staring at him. He noticed Tina and immediately smiled. "Oooh, I see we've got company! Hi, I'm the Joker," he said, extending his hand and beaming.
"Um…Tina Reeves…nice to meet you," she stammered. Crane seized her hand before she could shake Joker's and glared at him. Joker looked at his palm and chuckled.
"Well, it was a shock to see her – I thought it would be a good gag," he laughed, shrugging and taking the joy buzzer off his glove. "What's a pretty thing like you doing in a dump like this?" he asked, grinning at her. "I know a lot of young gals like having gay friends, but…"
"For the last time, we're not gay!" snapped Crane.
"Then why is there a guy tied up in your study?" asked Harley.
"Oh, for God's sake, he's an experiment!" retorted Crane. "Not that kind of experiment!" he added, hastily.
Joker chuckled. "Seems to me, baby, you should ditch these losers and maybe start hanging around a real man. You wanna have dinner tonight?"
"Mr. J, don't ask other women out on dates in front of me!" shrieked Harley, livid.
"And why would you care, you useless dame?" he snapped, rounding on her angrily. "You ain't my girlfriend anymore!"
"Yeah, and Tina ain't stupid enough to get involved with you after she's seen how you treat me!" shouted Harley. "I don't know why any dame would be stupid enough to do that!"
"Well, you were, weren't you, you dumb broad?" he snapped.
"Yeah, and I ain't gonna let another young, attractive career gal make my same mistake!" retorted Harley, folding her arms across her chest. "Tina's got a promising future at Lexcorp and she ain't gonna throw it all away to be some stupid clown's sidekick!"
"Lexcorp?" repeated Joker, glaring at Tina suddenly. "Oh, Lexy's sent you to spy on me, has he? Well, you've blown it now. Ain't no way I'm sharing any secrets with you."
"Um…I'm actually just a researcher," replied Tina. "I don't have anything to do with Mr. Luthor…"
"Oh, well you would say that now, wouldn't you?" snapped Joker. "Too late, toots, secret's out. You're a pretty crap spy, y'know, revealing your identity right off the bat like that."
"I'm not a…"
"Off the Bat!" repeated Joker, laughing suddenly. "I clearly have him on the brain! Ah, off the Bat! Now there's something I'd like to do, eh, Harley girl?" he chuckled.
She giggled. "Oh, Mr. J," she sighed. "Nobody makes me laugh the way you do."
She gazed at him in adoration, but then her eyes grew stern again. "But I ain't coming back until you apologize to me," she said firmly. "And promise me you won't do anything that'll make me end up in the hospital again."
"And I ain't letting you blackmail me!" snapped Joker. "So stay here forever if you wanna, you useless waste of space! I don't need you! I don't need anyone! I'm the goddamn Joker! And if you came crawling back to me now on your hands and knees, I wouldn't take you back! So good luck to ya, toots! Have a nice life!"
"You too, jerk!" she shrieked as he stormed out of the apartment. She stared after him, fuming for a few moments, and then her eyes suddenly filled with tears. "I…miss him already!" she sobbed, rushing from the room.
"I'm dreadfully sorry about that," said Crane, turning to Tina. "But you get used to random chaos and violence with the clowns around."
"Yes, their reputation precedes them," replied Tina, dryly. She sipped her tea and then said, "You mentioned you were working on an experiment? Is it anything interesting?"
"Oh yes, indeed," replied Crane, warming to the subject immediately. "I'm creating a new strain of fear gas that completely paralyzes the victim. They're literally too terrified to speak or move or probably even think. It will be a highly virulent chemical, once I've finished testing it, of course."
"That does sound interesting," replied Tina. "Would you be able to give me a demonstration?"
"Oh…yes, I think that could be arranged," replied Crane, surprised and pleased. "I'll need to find another test subject, of course, as this one's probably near death, but it shouldn't be too difficult to kidnap someone else…assuming your ethics don't trouble you?"
Tina shrugged. "The advancement of science is worth sacrificing almost everything, don't you agree?"
"Of course I do, but it's unusual for others to…see the bigger picture sometimes," replied Crane. "If you'd like to come round again tomorrow, Miss Reeves, I'm sure I can have everything prepared by then."
She smiled and rose. "See you tomorrow then, Professor Crane."
"Jonathan," he said. "It's Jonathan, Miss Reeves."
She beamed at him. "Tina," she corrected. "Goodbye, Jonathan. Mr. Tetch."
"Goodbye, Tina," breathed Crane.
"Goodbye," snapped Tetch as she left, with Crane gazing after her.
"We must look into getting another door as soon as possible, Jonathan," said Tetch, as he poured himself another cup of tea.
"What?" murmured Crane.
"Joker just destroyed our front door," retorted Tetch. "We'll need a replacement."
"Oh…yes…replacement, yes, yes," murmured Crane, clearly not paying attention to a word Tetch was saying. "She really is rather wonderful, is she not, Jervis?"
"Yes, I agree there's something to wonder about with her, certainly," replied Tetch.
"What do you mean?" asked Crane.
"She seems remarkably interested in your research, Jonathan, that's all," replied Tetch.
"Yes, it's remarkably interesting," retorted Crane. "And she shares my passion for biochemistry."
"And you're sure you want to reveal your secrets to someone who shares your passion for biochemistry?" asked Tetch. "What if she tries to steal them?"
"Oh, for God's sake, Jervis, stop being so paranoid!" snapped Crane.
"What I am being is sensibly cautious, which is more than I can say for you!" snapped Tetch. "You've just been taken in by a pretty face! You have no idea what her intentions are – you're just flattered at being shown attention by an attractive woman!"
"Yes, I am!" he retorted. "Can I be blamed for that?"
"No, but it's no reason to completely lose consideration for everything else!" shouted Tetch.
Crane glared at him. "I do believe you're jealous, Jervis," he snapped. "Just because you've resigned yourself to being completely alone for the rest of your life because the girl you've convinced yourself is your one and only love is lost to you does not mean I have!"
Tetch gaped at him. "Jonathan, that is unworthy of you," he said, quietly.
"And perhaps I'll apologize for it later," he retorted, rising. "But I am in no mood for being lectured to at the moment. Nor for being around people."
And he stormed off to his room without another word, slamming the door behind him. Tetch sat glaring at his tea, and then suddenly picked up the cup and smashed it. "How doth the little crocodile improve his shining tail, and pour the waters of the Nile on every golden scale!" he muttered. "How cheerfully he seems to grin, how neatly spreads his claws, and welcomes little fishes in, with gently smiling jaws!" He sighed. "Although in this case, the crocodile is female. But I just can't bear misquotation."