Summary: Bobby is diagnosed with a "disorder". Something in the mansion is disrupting the lives of the X-Men and no one is acting like themselves, which proves to be a serious ( I use this term lightly : ) ) problem. Rated PG. No cursing. No sex. No illegal drugs. No alcohol. It's your grandmother's sillyfic! J/K. *Watches as everyone leaves.* Ah, dang it.
Author's Note: Please note that I don't mean to offend anyone with this. There are one or two jokes about A.D.D. and about three jokes at the end about homosexuality. Please do NOT flame me. *Watches as flames start rolling in.* Ah, dang it.
And ~ means flashback or end flashback.
It's All In The Balance
By Blitz
SAME DAY:
Lying on his music sheets on his bed with his hands folded behind his head, he thought over what had happened just a little while ago. He never knew he would have an interest in writing music. Beast had tried to take him to numerous operas, ballets, and musicals. He had fallen asleep and snored loudly during The Nutcracker. He had made it snow in Carmen. And he had shot ice darts at Macavity the Mystery Cat in Cats. He smiled, remembering the yelps, the hisses, and meows as the dancers tried not to yell out in pain.
"How foolish I was then," he said as he stood up and paced his room. "I wonder what was up with Hank today? He seemed a little . . . off. Come to think of it . . . they all did. Gambit and Wolverine . . . well I'm not going to get into their little relationship." He shrugged. "I'm not surprised. It was bound to happen sooner or later, but Storm was actually looking like she could kill the Professor. Rogue was normal but she was tied into Wolverine and Gambit's 'love life' That's gotta be one of the most twisted love triangles I've ever seen. It's even up there with Madeline Pryor.
"And then there was Jubilee . . . I think it was Jubilee. It looked more like the angel of all that is bloodsucking and evil to me," Bobby Drake said to himself. "I wonder what's gotten into them all lately. Well, I know what's gotten into Jubilee: the devil himself."
Bobby thought for a while, trying to sort out his thoughts. He was interrupted by a knock on the door. "It's open. You can come in."
The person on the outside fumbled with the doorknob and Bobby saw it shake and rattle. He stared as they started to bang on the door as if trying to push it open.
BANG! BANG! BANG!
Bobby sighed. "Hold on." The banging stopped and Bobby opened the door. Scott Summers stared back at him, his flippers hanging limply at his side and feathers from his Mardi Gras ruby-quartz glasses bent and falling off. He was still wearing Jean's make-up, but this time, over his uniform, he was wearing a ball gown. It was a nice princess-y, light blue one with a shawl. He was dripping with what looked like light blue toilet bowl cleaner.
Bobby sighed again. "I don't have time for this, Scott," he said and shut the door.
Scott Summers put his foot in the door. But he had given the glitter high heels back to Storm so his feet were defenseless.
Bobby ignored the foot and slammed the door again, looking down at it.
The door didn't close.
So he slammed it again.
And again.
"Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Quit it!"
Bobby stopped. "Move."
"Let me in."
"No."
"You cannot hide from my, Scott! I will find you!" a voice boomed from down the hall.
Bobby froze (figuratively speaking, of course) and opened the door wider. "Come in." He made a trail for Scott in the piles of music papers.
However, once Cyclops was in, he shook himself like a wet dog, sprinkling blue water over everything.
"I hate you."
Cyclops looked over at him apologetically.
"Here. Go . . . stand in the shower or something and let the water run into the drain.
Scott stood in the shower and Bobby sat on his bed. "Aren't you . . . going to come in here and talk to me?"
"Oh, no! Heeeck no! Are you crazy? Too many ways to blackmail me. No. We'll just talk riiiight here, thank you very much!"
Scott nodded.
"Are you going to start telling me what's going on now?"
Scott nodded, but didn't say anything.
Bobby looked at him.
Scott sighed. "Okay. Today I was bored and Jean had a headache. The conversation went something lie this . . . " And with that, Scott related the entire episode between the "happy" couple . . .
***
9 hours ago; 10:00 a.m.; Scott is sill in uniform after a training session in the Danger Room.
~"Jean? Whatcha doin'?" Scott asked, chin resting on top of the armrest of the plush chair.
"Nothing, Scott." Her eyes were closed and her brow was furrowed. Her head was resting on her hand.
"Whatcha thinkin' 'bout?" he asked innocently.
Jean wanted to kill him. "I have a headache and I don't want to talk to you right now."
"Oh," Scott said sarcastically, "she's too busy to talk to me."
"Stop talking to the voices in your head, darling."
"That's your job. How's the Dark Pheonix doing in there? Hello-o?" He tapped her forehead.~
***
You didn't!"
"I did," Scott said sadly.
"You deserve what you get then."
"It gets worse."
Bobby slapped his hand to his head as Scott continued his story.
***
Jean grabbed his wrist. "How dare you!" She lifted him up into the air and flung him against the wall next to her make-up. He fell to the ground.
"Oh, I'm Jean Grey!" he mocked and grabbed her lipstick and began sloppily putting it on. "I'm Jean Grey! I'm Little Miss Perfect!" He began with the eyeshadow.
"Oh, Scott likes wearing make-up, does he? Surprise, surprise." She telekinetically threw powder puff after powder puff at him.
Scott started with the mascara. "I'm Jean Grey and I wear make-up, but I can't spend oooonnnneeee minute talking to the love of my life!"
"Right now, a tarantula is more 'the love of my life' than you are!"
"I'm Jean Grey and I'm in love with a tarantula!" Scott froze. Jean was coming for him. "Uh-oh." Scott got up and backed away into the bathroom.
Jean pushed him into the shower and turned it on. Then she flushed the toilet.
Repeatedly.
"Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!!"
***
"It was more of a little girl scream, wasn't it?"
"Oh yeah," Scott nodded. "Now let me finish . . . "
***
~Scott climbed out of the bathtub on his hands and knees, coughing and spluttering.
"Oh, you like the water, do you?!" Jean growled. She telekinetically brought in two yellow scuba-diving flippers. Then, in came floating the glue.
"Jean. No. You wouldn't."~
***
"She would," Scott said sadly, holding up his yellow flippers as proof.
Bobby cringed.
***
~Holding Scott's body still, yet allowing his head to toss and turn agony, she used her powers to apply the glue and then put on the flippers. When she let go of him, she was smiling evilly. "And to match your awesome make-up, I suggest these!" She growled the last word.
Cyclops gulped as Jean went inside his mind and knocked him out.
When he awoke, he felt something light and feathery brushing his forehead. He felt his visor. They were feathers. She had also then the shoes she had borrowed from Ororo and placed them on Scott's feet. "Good God," He got up and ran from the room, stumbling and falling a few times due to the high heels. He felt a sudden wave of respect for all women, specifically the ones who ran in high heels, and most specifically Ororo, who had to wear them.
Once outside the room, he considered himself safe and slowed his speed to a trot like a pony.~
***
"And about the blue toilet water?"
"She got mad and dumped a bucketful on me," Scott explained.
"And Ororo informs me that you ruined her shoes?"
Scott nodded.
"Why would Jean make you do that? She loves Ororo like a sister!"
Scott was silent for a while and realization set in on Bobby. "You - " he started with wide eyes.
Scott nodded, his head down sadly. "I did that.
"What were you thinking?! 'Today's a good day to die?!'"
"I can't honestly say," Scott said slowly, but then added, "but I know I had good intentions!"
Bobby raised his eyebrows worriedly and then shook his head. "You deserve what you get," he decided finally. "I should turn you into Jean right now - "
"No!" Cyclops yelled.
" - but I won't because we have known each other since the beginning of the X-Men. We have a bond like brothers."
Cyclops exhaled happily.
"But then again, Jean was there, too. And we have a bond like sisters."
Cyclops squinted and tilted his head to the side and looked at him out of the corner of his eyes.
"Brother and sister! BROTHER AND SISTER!"
Scott still wasn't convinced.
Bobby lowered his head and closed his eyes, exhaled, and ran his fingers through his hair. "Jean!" he called, head still down and eyes still closed. "He's in here!"
"NO HE'S NOT!"
The door flew open and Jean flew in. She lifted Scott up into the air by his underarms and flew away.
Bobby fell back on his bed, wondering what had gotten into Scott and Jean. Normally, they would have talked things out. And normally the Professor would have stopped them from attacking each other.
And normally he would be the one putting make-up on Scott.
Nothing was right with the world.