Ninja Chef Naruto
By ______
Chapter Four: Dinner And A Show With Ramen
#Forest Of Death#
Sakura collapsed as her opponent pushed her back and fled, the fearsome and slightly cutesy pink chakra and tattoos retracting from her body into the mark on her neck. She fell on her back, shuttering as the three toma of the curse-seal shifted and twisted into a strange caricature of a flower petal overshadowing a pale, shadowy replica of itself. She latched her hand onto it, thrashing on the ground and screaming as the symbol finalized its form and burned hot pink.
As she passed out, inner-Sakura gave an exhausted, satisfied sigh and muttered "like I'd let anyone but Sasuke-kun tell us what to do. Cha!"
The last thing she saw before blacking out was Sasuke-kun's worried face, watching over her.
"Sakura!" Sasuke Uchiha assessed his teammate's condition, making sure she was pretty much okay before cradling her and lifting her up, bridal style.
"Is forehead okay?" Ino quietly asked, managing to stumble to her feet.
"Yeah... She took a hit that was... I was suppose to..." Sasuke shook his head to clear it. "She got hurt by a biting attack that was meant for me. Combined with what they said," he tilted his head towards where the Oto-nin had disappeared. "I think someone either hired assassins or put a bounty on me."
"Sasuke-kun, that's terrible." Ino whined, fawning behind him.
"Let's just hope the poison from the bite was something meant to disrupt my Sharingan. Then Sakura should be just fine."
"And if not?"
"... We need to get to the tower as soon as possible. They'll be able to help her there."
"Right!"
Sasuke gave a rueful laugh. "So your team's coming with us?"
Ino pouted before smirking. "Like I'd let forehead keep you all to herself the whole time."
"We'd better make camp then." A third, unremarkable voice said, as a bland, nondescript genin wearing a leaf headband walked into the clearing, promptly tripping on some razor wire and impaling himself on the scattered kunai.
#Jounin Lounge, Tower Of Death#
Naruto was twitchy. It had been nearly a week since he'd cooked something now, yet he was surrounded by chakra laden beings. The sweat poured from his body as he glanced furiously around the room, mentally marking down what recipe he'd use on each of the mouth-watering jounin crammed into the room, waiting for their teams to arrive.
It wasn't right.
It was so cruel.
It was the worse torture he'd faced in his entire life!
His nose ached from straining to smell the scent of another masterpiece being prepared, his ears strained to hear the gentle burn his skillet made when chakra was poured into it, his fingers clenched irregularly from the need to pick up his knife, or at least some seasoning! His eyes, his storming purple eyes, darted, crazed, across the narrow space, waiting for a chance to sneak away with someone tasty. The Mizu guy with a rapier looked like he'd been delicious with a little rice, cucumber, curry and ramen. And that Uzu-nin was begging to be diced up, mixed with plum sauce and slow-cooked with a side of ramen. And the Suna shinobi...
"You're a little jumpy, aren't you?" The silver-haired barnacle asked from where it sat beside him, reading its porn-mag and carefully monitoring his every movement.
Naruto knew what he had to do. He slid closer to the shinobi to hide their conversation. If this damn... thing was going to stick to him all the time, he'd make use of it. He slowly pulled out a paring knife and held it carefully. "So... hey, you... you don't need all your fingers right?"
The cling-on glanced at him, making eye contact for the first time in three days. The cyclopes shuddered and edged away.
Naruto pursued. "Come on, I've got to cook something! You can even have all of it! Just give me your pinkie. You don't need your pinkies."
Showing almost no distress, the silver-haired jounin rose and took a few even steps away.
"Okay, okay... How about your toes? You don't need your toes for jutsu."
And with a poof the jounin was gone, a wooden stump taking his place, complete with a little face-mask and leaf hitai-ate. Naruto stared at the log, resisting the urge to turn around and tempt himself into sautte-ing someone just to get the edge off. How do these people stand being around each other like this? With a swat of his paring knife the log exploded into splintered kindling.
"Well now, you must be something special to scare off Sharingan-Kakashi. Mind telling me what you told him?" The Kusa-kunoichi plastered herself to his back.
He trembled, barely suppressing himself. Grasping for something to distract himself, he focused on the feel of her breasts pressed against his back.
...
...And now he tried thinking of a complete list of possible hand-signs to distract himself from another... rising problem.
Her giggling with her lips against his ear didn't help.
#Tower Of Death#
And the two scrolls flipped open, releasing a plume of ninja-smoke that revealed the Kusa team's jounin-sensei as she toppled over forward. Her team of genin gawked instead of fleeing as her enraged face slowly turned to meet them.
The resulting violence reduced the room to a chamber of twisted metal.
#Jounin Lounge#
Naruto sighed in relief and relaxed a little, glad that the two horrible, large, soft things distracting him were gone. Now he just had to calm down and...
#Tower Of Death#
"Naruto-sensei!"
...hope that an ecstatic Kin didn't latch onto his front and nuzzle vigorously.
"So you finished up already huh? Find anything good?" He was really hoping to get Kin away from him right about now, he'd seen what women did to men in his, ah... condition and it wasn't very nice. Her thigh brushed against his, er... self, and she froze. Naruto started sweating, waiting for the cry of self-righteous feminine fury and preparing an escape, just in case. He did not expect what he did get in the least.
Kin felt something brush against her leg after she glomped onto her sensei. She instantly froze, turned bright red and schooled her features suppressing the overjoyed cry that threaten to tear from her throat. Sensei did think she was attractive! Since he was approximately as tall as she was, about an inch taller than her, really, Kin had no trouble looping one of her legs between his and pressing her inner thigh against, uh... it, while still nuzzling his neck to keep her teammates from seeing her blush. She basked, all her effort to reach this point suddenly worth it.
Dozu coughed into his free hand, wondering what his sensei and teammate had flinched over. "We found some sukiyaki, but it wasn't very good."
"They were stir-fry." Zaku groaned from his half-conscious position on the floor.
"They were dumplings." Kin whispered in a husky, seductive tone before lowering her head against Naruto's neck again, shifting her leg distractingly, just like the young kunoichi's guide to seduction and romance advised. Now if only she had some lipstick or perfume to mark him with.
"They flat out said they weren't stir-fry!" Dozu shouted at Zaku's already-asleep-again body.
The sound of coughing caught the group's attention. They turned.
"Ew, living sickness." Naruto commented upon sighting a sickly looking jounin.
"Sensei?" Kin subtly applied more pressure.
"It's a kekkei genkai that makes the user permanently ill, yet incapable of catching anything worse than an endless head cold. It also kills anyone they bleed on." The chef answered as quickly as he could, certain that the all-too-pleasant pressure increase from Kin's inner thigh as it ever so slightly rubbed against his, uh... pants, was suppose to be a veiled threat. Unfortunately it felt good and only made it harder... to uh, focus on things that would make the problem... shrink.
Yeah, like puzzling out what that odd, soft feeling against his right arm was. Hmm, well, Kin was currently nuzzling his neck from the right side so... Naruto stiffened and twitched. A quick glance confirmed his suspicion. Oh my, when had Kin's, er... when had Kin grown so... large?
In the meantime the kunoichi felt her sensei stiffen and twitch, in more than one way. How could she not when she was plastered to his body? Interpreting it an almost entirely wrong way she tried to snuggle closer still when a cough interrupted her fantasizing.
Without detaching from her glomp-victim she turned from her nuzzling and glared at the jounin, leveling as much killing intent as she could muster.
But even a super-genin was still a genin for a reason, and the ghastly looking man shrugged it off as barely noticeable. "If you will all follow me, we are ready to begin the third round." And then coughed repeatedly into his hand as he walked away.
Dozu smacked Zaku and lead his woozy teammate after the jounin while Kin unhappily uncurled herself from her sensei's side, with a whisper of "let's continue later" that took all of her courage to suggest before following after her teammates. Naruto watched her hips and the hem of her oh-so-short kimono hoping for a peek of... something. A second later he had bashed himself in the head, cursed himself for the images (that weren't entirely unwelcome, but were entirely inappropriate) and came to a shocking realization, Kin had done all this to him on purpose! That meant Kin was a pervert! But what was a man suppose to do when confronted by perverts advancing on them? Wait! The Kusa-nin! She was also a pervert! Naruto shook slightly, he had never realized it before but, ...women were perverts! That meant he had to... to... Actually, he wanted to continue too... Which could only mean... He was a pervert!
Naruto calmed himself, calling up all the knowledge Zetsu-nii-chan and Orochimaru-datesha had ever presented him about mating. Lets see...
- If you are a pervert you will never reach your full potential. Orochi-datesha was pretty clear on that.
- Mating makes children. He was sure Zetsu-nii-chan mentioned it once.
- Mating involved releasing pollen... or spores, he couldn't remember. This meant it probably involved bees too, and there was something about birds, right?
- If you are playing with you food, mating should not be part of that playing. Though nii-chan never did say why.
- Mating apparently shouldn't be based off of chakra reserves. Orochi-datesha was quite adamant on that point when he first joined sound almost as though he was trying to cover up some kind of mistake.
- Bloodlines make potential mates more attractive. Since it made food taste better, Orochi-datesha was probably right.
- Women will likely freak out and hit you if you mention or display a desire for mating, while shouting pervert. Neither Orochi-datesha or Zetsu-nii-chan mentioned this, but he'd seen it often enough personally to know.
Thumbing through all of this, he couldn't find anything explicitly wrong. Even with the new findings filed in there wasn't much cause for concern. After all, full potential was overrated.
With a shrug the super-chef walked after his pupils, entering a large metal arena just as a shriveled old man in a funny hat finished a speech about doing their best for their villages. Seeing that the Kusa-jounin had already reserved a spot near one end of the visiting sides' catwalk, he chose the opposite end, putting himself between the Suna team and the stairs. He was also, coincidently, directly across from the red-eyed Konoha-nin and her team. He waved pleasantly and she leapt back reflexively, acting vaguely like a cornered animal when her back hit the wall.
"Sensei." Dozu said calmly as the team moved into position around him. "If it is alright, may we have a quick meal before and between our fights?"
Naruto grinned, pulling out one of his storage scrolls. "Why not?"
With a plume of smoke the four were seated around a modest spread of mercenary-based meals. Each grabbed some chopsticks and a dish. "Itadakimasu!" The four choired cheerfully as they dug in.
This got quite a few reactions among those present.
Baki, for one, started muttering about sending incompetents to do such important work.
The Kusa jounin, for another, smirked at what must obviously be an intimidation tactic, pretending to be so relaxed in front of their competition as to actually sit down and have a meal. To up the ante the purple-haired young woman pulled out a beer and noisy chugged it, ending with a loud 'ahh!' just like she did every morning.
The Hokage, interestingly enough, paused from beginning the match-ups to examine the Oto jounin more closely, looking for something familiar. Finding nothing he resumed his focus on the matches.
Kakashi glanced up from his book, Icha Icha Star, for a few seconds to examine the Oto team eating.
Sakura shuttered, thinking about how horrible it was that those genin had been tricked into eating... that.
For Sasuke the pieces flew together, the comments about stir-fry and what went with Sharingan, the horrific power and inexhaustible chakra the three wielded and even the comment about sensei would know what to make of him. He shivered slightly, fully realizing just what they had intended for him. He cast a grateful glance to Sakura for saving him from such a fate.
Kurenai, pressed against the wall as closely as was physically possible, stared on in muted horror, her mind partially shut down from watching, and denying, the sick and evil act of subverting genin into eating... she fell unconscious before completing that thought.
Chouji absently licked his lips and wondered what they were having.
And Hinata, poor, weak, unmotivated, purposeless Hinata gazed on in wonder at the... magnificence across from her. That fiery orange hair, those expressive purple eyes, the deeply etched and wild looking marks seemingly gashed into his cheeks... The cute little fangs peeking out from the corners of his mouth... He... he was... so beautiful... With a bright red blush her eyes darted to the floor, finding her feet incredibly interesting for some reason. Somewhere within her demure and meek frame a powerful urge stirred, telling her that she had to have it, she had to have... him... She shuttered, basking in the warm glow of suddenly finding a drive to live for and by. She would have him! Nothing would be allowed to stop her from expressing her new found purpose. Nothing.
And Orochimaru, concealed in an unused chamber, pouted, wondering where Kabuto was. Time had to be up by now, yet he hadn't shown up with his report yet. Not only that, he was about to miss the fights! He wanted to see how Sasuke-kun did dammit!
#Preliminaries#
#Round 1: Sasuke Vs. Shino#
"Will Sasuke Uchiha (cough) and Shino (cough) Aburame please enter the arena." The sickly Konoha jounin coughed out, reading the names off of a handy electronic display.
The two genin walked calmly to the center of the room, tension slowly building as they turned to face each other. Both appeared totally impassive as they stared at one another from a distance of but a few feet, easily close enough for even a genin to theoretically kill a man before he blinked. A cloud of insects grew and buzzed behind the stoic Shino as Sasuke ran the handsigns of all the fire jutsu he knew through his mind.
"Be(cough)gin."
The cloud of insects immediately slammed forward in a wave, missing the Uchiha as he leapt into the air, spewing a continuous flame beneath him in a circle. By the time he landed the bugs were little more than charred shells and ashes under his tabi, his opponent backed up towards the stairs from the heat.
"Shino, you know this is practically a mismatch. An Uchiha against an insect user?" Sasuke shook his head slowly, his eyes not leaving his opponent's coat, seeking any possible sign of more kakai being called upon. "I don't want to damage your colony or limit any training you can give your teammates before the real finals, so I'll give you this one chance to forfeit."
The Aburame considered the other ninja. It was a bad match up, true, the only possible worst one being a water user as an opponent. Sasuke didn't even have his Sharingan on, whether from a lack of chakra or from not wanting to reveal it to the foreign nin present. He had known that winning against an Uchiha, who universally possessed fire-affinities and easily learned those kind of jutsu even without a Sharingan, was basically hopeless for him. As the Uchiha clan heir chose to be polite about it, well it would be rude to reject the offer and force Sasuke to reveal even more skills for his future opposition to witness. Besides, that first skirmish reduced what colony he had left from the forest by over a third.
Shino nodded once and stepped back onto the stairs to stand with his team.
The referee watched for a moment before announcing: "Winner, Uchiha Sasu(cough)ke."
"Man, what a rip off!" Kankuro shouted. "That was pathetic, can't you leaf-nin even put up real fights before giving up?"
"Aniki." His red-haired brother muttered in exasperation.
"What, it really was pathetic, right Temari."
The blond sighed and turned away from him.
"Ah come on, we're family, we're suppose to support each other!"
Chopsticks neatly impaled the railing in the gap between his thumbs and hands. "We're trying to enjoy dinner and a show over here, so shut up!" The sound kunoichi roared, pulling out a new set of chop sticks and snagging a bowl of ramen out from under Zaku's fingers.
Kankuro and Zaku both growled and glared but didn't make say anything.
#Round 2: Dozu Vs. Shinji#
"Will Dozu Kinuta and Shinji Ikari (cough) please enter the (cough) ring." The referee asked, which was completely unnecessary thanks to the enormous electronic board displaying their names.
Dozu casually withdrew the ramen and chop sticks into his sleeves before lazily back flipping into the ring and finishing his meal.
"And remember baka, if you lose I'll never speak to you again!" The angry, red-haired Kusa-nin shouted at her teammate, flinging him over the railing towards the floor. The only male grass ninja present landed in an acceptable, if clumsy roll, ending on his feet.
Dozu almost felt bad him, he knew what having a pushy, irate, super strong kunoichi as a teammate was like. The guy was muttering "mustn't run away" at light speed under his breath by the time the referee let them start.
Feeling an upwelling of pity that was almost alien to him, the Oto-nin did a dozen quick half hand-signs after tucking his chopsticks back into his sleeve as his opponent started chanting his theme, creating a genjutsu to show him his greatest fear and end the match with as little pain as possible. He then tossed the empty bowl aside and slid the bandages around his lips closed before pulling his mask back up.
Instead of screaming in terror, as Dozu expected, the grass genin started rapidly clenching his hand into a fist and kept up his chant until it became an underlying, indecipherable room tone. A feeling of dread built in the sound nin as he started another chain of hand-signs.
Suddenly the chanting stopped, immediately being replaced by a roar as Shinji's head arched back, throwing out a massive wave of chakra and killing intent that washed through the room.
Dozu wavered just a bit as some of the other genin on the catwalk above flinched and nearly collapsed under the oppressive display. He managed not to screw up his seals, however, so there was no need not to press his attack. With a drawn breath he spewed a distortion from his lips across the space between him and his opponent.
The Kusa-nin dipped animalistically to the side, landing on all fours in a spidery stance, limbs splayed wide and body low to the ground, before roaring specifically at Dozu, eyes narrowed in a savage glare.
The berserker leapt and Dozu knew instantly that he had to evade and oddly, exactly how he had to move to do so. Questioning this new instinct only in the slightest, he rolled to one side, slid forward and raised his arm guard as he felt he should, already running though more hand-signs before he got to his feet.
Shinji's attack had left a hole punched through the floor and in an enraged fit, he retched part of the metal from the ground with his arm, flinging it against the sound-nin's guard scant seconds after it had been raised. Not even noticing his attack had no effect the boy was already charging again before the ricocheted metal hit the floor.
Dozu cursed as his new instinct told him to dodge just so, in such a way that he'd lose the jutsu he was about to complete. Deciding his way was better, he ignored the feeling and moved to block the clawed hand his attacker was leading with. He was naturally horrified when his favorite gauntlet was rendered twisted scrap around his arm even as another hand dove for his abdomen. He released the hasty, underpowered sound blast in his opponent's face, trying to drive the berserker back while leaning to the side as the second strike glanced his ribs, energy slicing cleanly through his clothes and skin, likely cracking a bone. If a single blow did that...
Diving away from the disoriented and none to happy Kusa-nin he shouted a simple, dignified "I forfeit" and jumped easily back onto the railing beside the rest of his team.
The berserker howled as he sprang after the Oto-nin, falling on his face as the Kusa jounin cried out a suggestive "oh, Shin-kun" from the other end of the platform. When Shinji stood back up he had both a nosebleed and the frightened persona he had before the fight started.
There was silence as everyone recovered from the display.
#Round 3: Ino Vs. Kankuro#
"(cough) Will Ino Yamanaka and Kankuro no (cough) Sabaku please enter (cough) the combat area." The weasing leaf shinobi called out redundantly despite the electronic display already showing who was up.
"Ah man, I've gotta fight a girl? This'll be too easy." The puppeteer unwisely whined, tripping to fall onto his back as several intense killing intents popped into existence around the room, most notably directly behind him. A sharp kick from Temari threw him into the ring where his glowering enemy was already crouched to spring on him.
"Begin."
Before Kankuro even had a chance to scramble to his feet he was struck with the signature Yamanaka jutsu. Everything sat perfectly still and unmoving as Ino collapsed to the floor.
For her part, the leaf kunoichi was panicking. She'd used her jutsu perfectly right? And he hadn't dodged or anything so why the hell was she bound up and unable to move her limbs? Why was everything so dark and what was that weight on top of her? Had he trapped her somehow? She wiggled and thrashed as best she was able, worse and worse vision of the fate about to befall her running through her head until she finally broke the jutsu, hoping nothing terrible was being done to her body.
The leaf jounin watched, fascinated as absolutely nothing seemed to happen. Of course, knowing what the Yamanaka clan jutsu did and which were most likely accessible to a genin, they were in actuality trying to puzzle out why the jutsu seemed to fail, but still knock out both combatants. By the time Ino shuddered and rose back to her feet they had figured out exactly nothing and were quite interested in whatever was going to happen next.
Kankuro slid to his feet with far more grace then someone who just regained consciousness should be capable of and simply lowered the wrapped object on his back to the floor, not particularly aware of what had happened but still confident. With a smirk he set the object to rest on its side. "I don't know what that was, but you're going down, girlie. And I won't even need to use this to do it." With that he bound straight at her in a totally reckless move that anyone could counter.
Unlike a certain nondescript genin on team 7, Ino was in fact an anyone as well as a someone and an everyone. So it was something of a given that she met his charge by stabbing at him with a kunai.
It was a surprise, however, when Kankuro simply took the stabbing in the chest as though it was nothing and clocked the girl with an overpowering blow to her stomach, knocking her out. He then collected his bundle as medic-nins collected the girl and stepped back up to stand by his siblings, supremely proud of having kept absolutely all of his abilities a secret. And then the medic-nin informed him that they needed to remove the kunai he had forgotten about. With a nervous laugh he plucked it out and handed it to them, feeling quite stupid.
The medic frowned, but walked away without saying anything else.
#Round 4: Sakura Vs. Vivi#
"Will Sakura Haruno and Vivi Orunitia please enter the (cough) (cough) (cough) designated battle region." A certain afflicted leaf jounin said, blankly repeating what he saw displayed on the big electronic board everyone else could read perfectly well on their own, thank you very much. Minus Kurenai, who didn't count as she couldn't hear either while still unconscious.
On one side a pinkette stepped unevenly down to enter the combat area, one hand placed on her neck as her face was scrunched into a pained grimace. On the other, a tiny figure in blue walked clumsily to meet her, an oversized steeple hat with a hand band wrapped around it sitting over his glowing yellow eyes within the otherwise impenetrable shadow of his hat.
"Begin."
Sakura, despite her pain, was going to win this! Sasuke had managed to beat Shino so she had to beat this kid to have any hope of catching his attention in the finals, besides she had to avenge Ino, that Suna-nin would pay for hurting her and for suggesting kunoichi were weak! Unfortunately her chakra was warped and muddy from the seal on her neck and every attempt to use it just caused her pain, so she'd have to be careful, she'd need to get in close and...
While the leaf kunoichi was thinking, her advisory was doing what had been instinctively drilled into him, running for cover while flipping through the hand-signs of a wide-area offensive ninjutsu. One did not survive on the same team as Ryouga Habiki, or the training from Edward Elric, without getting a very deep appreciation of why close range battles should be avoided.
The thundara crashed into the girl, spilling over and through her into the surrounding metal in a spectacular flash of yellow energy.
There was a moment of stunned silence before Sasuke leapt down beside his unconscious teammate, following as the medic-nin carried her off.
#Round 5: Kin Vs. Kiba#
"Will (cough)..." Before the poor, half-dead jounin finished his first cough both genin had already landed in the ring. Hayate took a moment to look between the two, irritated by their rudeness. "Begin."
The white-coated mongrel was flying forward in an elbow strike as the first syllable was pronounced, only find himself flying backwards by the time the second syllable ended.
That really hurt. "Heh, you hit pretty hard. But don't I'm done just yet!" Oh yeah, bruised rib. This girl was gonna be trouble, Kiba mused, nearly intimidated. "Ready Akamaru?"
"You talk too much."
And the wall he had been standing in front of exploded as he dove to the side. He glanced back, staring in wonder at the sound kunoichi whose foot was raised in a kick over the center of the crater. His nose bled, just the slightest of trickles, but more than enough to condemn him.
Quicker than even the Sharingan could follow, Kin had her legs clamped back together, hands pulling the front of her skimpily short kimono down over her thighs. Her tear-filled eyes met his, instantly paralyzing him with a sense of shame and guilt.
"You saw... Didn't you?" She sobbed, subtly drawing out senbon in both hands. "Only Naruto-sensei was suppose to see."
"No, no, I didn't see anything orange, nothing at all!"
Above them Zaku turned to Dozu. "Orange?"
Dozu nodded. "Sensei's favorite color. All her underwear's like that. Idiot."
"How do you... Oh, right, her stupid kowaku-ken. Is that what's she doing to him?"
"Looks dumb enough to fall for it."
Kiba learned that maybe, just maybe, revealing a color while denying having seen something of that color was not a wise course of action. There was a sudden agony as eight senbon bloomed from his skin at roughly the same time his head was smashed by the heel of a ninja tabi, giving him another glimpse of the cursed bit of orange fabric resting between pale thighs. Fortunately, the resulting nosebleed geysered out with enough force to cushion the impact with the metal floor, keeping him conscious. Unfortunately, it also seemed to piss her off and kept him conscious.
"Stop looking!" Kin wailed, giving another unfortunate glimpse while rearing back her leg in preparation of smashing her foot into his head. Now really, he should be able to dodge such an obvious attack. All he had to do was stop staring and- Impact.
The spiraling nosebleed left the dog ninja dizzy, but put just enough distance for him to try and counter before she was on him again. Damn, none of the girls he sparred with fought like this! That last blow felt like it broke his arm. "Akamaru!" He shouted, flicking a pill at his partner while trying not to look directly at his distracting antagonist lest he befall her... whatever it was she was doing him. He pulled out a second pill for himself, tossing it in his mouth.
"Hmm. What's this thing suppose to be?"
Only to spit out the shards as the Oto-nin lazily crunched the pill he'd thrown for his dog between her own teeth.
"Eh?" Her breasts ballooned slightly and threatened to spill from her top. With a battle cry of 'hentai!' the distraught girl smashed her opponent's head with her foot, shattering his headband into fragments of metal that slid past his face. He keeled over in a heap as her tabi withdrew. Akamaru made a displeased growl as he followed the stretcher his master was placed upon.
Kin absently smirked and glanced down, feeling her crossed arms squeeze her new assets. Sensei wouldn't be able to resist her now.
#Round 6: Zaku Vs. Neji#
"(cough) W..." The two shinobi landed gracefully, both grimly facing one another. "Begin."
"I see you came this far. Not bad for being mere trash. But know this, victory is beyond your meager powers. Your loss is predestined." The arrogant Hyuga declared with a haughty air, veins around those pale eyes throbbing visibly through his skin.
"Uh, hmm... I still can't really tell. Are you a guy or a girl?" Zaku asked nonchalantly, arms raised to fire.
The Hyuga scowled and dove forward, evading both shots and tapping various points on her... his... uh, the opposing nin's arms in rapid session. "Your tenketsu have been blocked. Your chakra is lost to you, as is this fight. Be gone." The Hyuga turned away in a fit of condescension, believing this to be finished.
"Wait." Zaku willed his arms to move, willed them to fire, willed them to form chakra scalpels or just do... anything! Before his frustration could mount into a tragic flashback that runs on far too long for a character as minor and expendable as he was meant to be, his arms burned with new power. And his forehead and scalp itched, but that was besides the point. With a burst of this strange new, burning pain, his arms moved under his command once more, surging with rerouted chakra as his coils were reformatted.
Orochimaru paused on the threshold of the room, disguised as a simple medic-nin having finally tired of waiting for Kabuto to show up. Something told him he was doing an extremely rude thing, like barging in at a moment of high tension, effectively rending himself into an almost humorous comic relief plot device. But that was silly, he was an S-class nuke-nin from Konohagakure and none of those could ever be considered as comic relief.
Far in the depths of Uzugakure, a one-eyed Sharingan user in an orange mask sneezed, as did his fellow one-eyed Sharingan user wearing a cloak covered in red clouds some miles away.
With a sudden desperate shove his arms exploded, literally, launching the now useless tubes that once gave him the zankuha out to impale the androgynous Konoha-nin twice. Zaku, however, ignored that little fact in favor of staring at the white, bone-like projections now sticking from his shoulders and arms in long, curved forms. The jagged, sharp ends looked excessively dangerous to his ninja-trained eyes and, more importantly, familiar.
Where had he seen... Holy crap, this was the Shikotsumyaku! When did he get the Shikotsumyaku? How do you spell Shikotsumyaku? At least that explained why they were bone-like.
Dammit this was weird, how did Kimimaro pull these stupid things back into his arm? Maybe if he applied a little chakra...
The bones shot from his flesh in every direction, scattering around the combat area. A few impaling his collapsed enemy, the rest just kind of clattering to the floor harmlessly after arching into the air. It wasn't quite the effect he wanted, but he could live with it. Now he'd take down that damn cross dressing kunoichi! Oh, he already had. Hurray!
Orochimaru stood stunned. His experiment was a success? But every test, every effort to prove it had succeed showed it to be a failure, the clan markers, specific activation attempts, hell, even the DNA tests... But wait. His head swiveled so fast an ordinary human spine would crumble from the friction. What about the other two failures?
Dozu showed no visible changes, but then he didn't really expect to see facial markings through the mummifying layers of bandages wrapped over his face. Kin however, now definitely had the traits expected from a success of that particular bloodline. Why is it so many bloodlines tied in with enlarged breasts, he wondered. The Hyuga were far and away the most obvious example, given their number and the fact that they have to start wearing bras somewhere around the age of eight, but that was more early development tying into always having the ability awakened. Kin's would be the most obvious if more than a single member of the bloodline still existed. Well, more than two, now, he mused.
Before he could think on it any further another man dressed as a Konoha medical ninja grabbed him. "Come on, we've got to hurry! Oh kami, this is bad. Do you know what the Hyuga are going to do if we can't save their prodigy?"
Kami-dammit! If he wanted to keep his cover, he'd need to help heal this useless brat with impeccably perfect hair! He wanted to see Sasuke's match dammit! But wait, if the past failure could be turned into successes, then maybe an artificial Byakugan could develop into a working Sharingan. He'd just have to figure out how Naruto did it and how kekkei genkai evolved. Mellowed, he assisted the med-nin, waiting for a chance to get some blood or more... direct samples of DNA. Hmm, he'd have to keep it a secret from Sasuke when the time came. Huh, should a Hyuga's eyes be pink like that?
He cried upon learning that Sasuke's match was long over when he met him in the medical bay.
#Round 7: Gaara Vs. Shikamaru#
"Oh you're dead pineapple! Dead! You hear me?"
"Aniki..." The redheaded boy said embarrassedly as he floated to the floor below.
The Nara wandered down at his own, lazy pace, ignoring the puppeteer, but sweating slightly under the gazes of Shino and Hinata. They looked at him with something akin to mourning in their eyes and that did not bode well at all, given how blank Hinata's eyes were suppose to look and how completely hidden behind sunglasses Shino's always looked. Wait there was something wrong in that thought. Something very wrong... Ah well, he'd just forfeit the instant things required more effort than moving slightly. Staring at his opponent, he couldn't help but feel that the boy was harmless. The kind eyes and happy grin did little to dissuade him of that thought. Hell, the kid just looked too nice to be a ninja, which could only mean he was being deceived somehow.
"Begin."
Immediately Shikamaru's shadow lanced forward, joining with the Suna-nin's and freezing him with one arm raised, poised to direct the similarly frozen wall of sand that materialized out of nowhere. The Nara sighed, damn, that attack looked really powerful and dangerous. Good thing the kid didn't try to evade his shadow. At all.
"I... I can't move..." Gaara said slowly, a bit of awe in his voice. "How'd you do that?"
Shikamaru sigh. Now what? Noting the Suna-nin carried no weapons, he reached for his own kunai and hurled a few directly in front of him, watching dispassionately as the kid imitated his movements.
Between the two a bit of the sand that had suddenly appeared shifted up into brief, short pillars, knocking the blades aside in mid-air. Troublesome. Very troublesome.
"That won't work. Oneechan says it's an absolute defense and nothing can get through it. Good try though. You might want to give up now."
Dammit the brat was insufferably cute. Any ninja not as thoroughly lazy as Shikamaru would have just given up on the spot, but knowing how his mother would react to him forfeiting now... Ick, chores.
He took a few steps backwards, checking to see how far he was from the wall compared to Gaara. Deciding it was enough, he put his plan into action and leaned back quickly.
"Ow. Huh, so sand cushioning you from another solid object doesn't really work if you're the moving object. Who'd have thought?"
Scowling, Shikamaru leaned forward again, most assuredly unhappy that the kid could still talk. He shifted to lean back faster this time.
"OW. Can't you come up with a better attack than that?"
There was a crack in the kid's forehead, but otherwise he was apparently fine. Talk about annoying.
"OUCH! That stings. Couldn't you just use your shadow to knock me out instead?"
Hmm. More cracks were appearing. Why wouldn't the kid just pass out already?
"OW!" Sweet, merciful silence. He had succeeded. "You're just going to keep doing this until I pass out or give up aren't you."
Sigh. Dammit. A flake of something fell from the kid's skin, revealing undamaged skin beneath it.
"OW! Alright, alright fine. You don't have to be such a jerk you know. Proctor, I forfeit."
Temari palmed her face. It figured that without either herself or Kankuro in danger Gaara wouldn't try very hard. At times like this she wished he had learned to like violence a little more, this was just embarrassing. Fortunately no one here knew that he was their secret weapon. Now that would be a real embarrassment.
#Round 8: Lee Vs. Rei#
"Yosh! My flames of youth are burning most brightly! I am sorry, fair Kusa-nin, but you are most certainly going to be defeated!" The loud mini-green beast shouted excitedly, jumping down in a flashy and graceful manner that probably wasted tons of energy.
In direct contrast, the pale, blue haired girl he was to fight was only halfway to the steps leading down and her every movement was measured and relaxed. "Do not concern yourself with it." She softly uttered, unheard by anyone in the room other than the ninja from Amegakure. "I will be down shortly."
For an unexplained reason all three rain genin immediately dog piled their jounin sensei, one of them clamping both hands over his mouth.
After a few minutes the pale blue-haired girl was finally standing across from the blazing form of Rock Lee, red eyes meeting glassy black.
"Begin."
"Youth!" Lee shouted, dipping sharply to kick upwards at Rei's chin. The pale girl barely reacted, her eyes tracing an afterimage down to where her enemy crouched.
Strangely, Lee's foot recoiled off of a flashing octagon of orange energy with no explanation or preamble, the kunoichi ignoring the entire phenomenon in favor of a half dozen hand-signs dozen in rapid, precise succession.
The leaf genin hit the floor snoring before he could riposte.
"Do not concern yourself. It is a powerful, but harmless sleep genjutsu." The girl explained to the true green beast of Konoha as he appeared over his fallen student.
"That's impossible, Lee's body produces so little chakra that it can't spare a single drop, making genjutsu slip off him without any effect at all." Gai declared loudly.
"Yet it has clearly worked." The Kusa-nin noted, already on the steps leading up to the visitor's platform.
Scowling, Gai collected Lee's unconscious body and charged towards the medical bay.
#Round 9: Hotcha Vs. Temari#
"(cough). Will Hotcha Happosai and Temari no Sabaku (cough) please enter the fighting zone. (cough)." Hayate was somewhat pleased at finally being able to do his job of reading and repeating whatever a computer display says once more. "Begin."
Temari smirked confidently, resting her fan on the floor and making a 'come here' gesture with her off hand.
The short Ame-nin grinned back and gave off a battle cry of "sweeto!" before hopping in place, somehow completely turning around without appearing to actually move.
Temari blinked, somewhat unsure of what had just happened. Shrugging it off she whipped open her fan, throwing out a gust that sent the gnome-sized shinobi sprawling. She was going to brag about how three moons would appear on her fan and when the third one did her opponent was finished, but even after falling over the Ame-nin ignored her. Damn, she had wanted to hand out incorrect information about her abilities for the finals. And why did she suddenly feel tired?
Unconcerned the kunoichi bounded forward, swiping out with her fan as a bludgeon. The tiny Ame-nin dodged careless, displaying far more interest in some bit of fabric grasped in his minute clutches. She lashed out again, and was again narrowly avoided without apparent notice. Why did that scrap of cloth look familiar?
Temari found herself panting from exertion. Something was wrong here, it was like her chakra was leaking out. Her gnome of an enemy finally finished rubbing the clutched fabric in odd places and casually placed it on his head. Oh. Hell. No. That was not what she thought it was. Meeting her opponent's eye as he leered she knew that it was.
"Hentai!" She screamed, fling out her most powerful attack at the panty-thief who dared to wear her underwear as a hat.
"Sweeto!" The pervert called back, slipping past her before her attack was released.
The breeze caused by his sudden appearance behind her left no doubt that he had, in fact stolen what she thought he stole as it wasn't that drafty in here moments ago. The fact that he was now cuddling a matching bra made her see red even as her strength flagged and failed on her.
"Heh heh. And the elders said underwear wasn't nearly personal enough to drain from effectively. Ha, I will be the greatest super pervert in history now! Take that Jiraiya!" The diminutive ninja cried as Temari fell to her knees, her chakra almost completely gone. Happosai didn't even bat an eye at the immense, crushing killing intent emitted by nearly every female in the room. The two exceptions were the red-eyed kunoichi, one was simply too socially stunted to care, the other, still fainted.
For her part, Kin was relieved she hadn't been the one fighting him. Showing off a glance of something here and a flash there to distract someone was fine and made them less likely to defend from her attacks while in righteous feminine fury mode. Having her unmentionables stolen would negate her entire fighting style, since nobody, and she meant capital N Nobody, was going to actually see anything other than her sensei. Hmm. Was she becoming a bit of an exhibitionist?
Gaara rode down on a cloud of sand to collect his by now weak as a kitten sister, more than a little distressed by what her enemy had done to her. His sand loomed ominously as his eyes shone a distorted shape of amber and black, leaking a dark, inhuman chakra. "Give those back."
Intimidated, the pervert tossed the garments back, fleeing the arena.
"Gaara." Temari whispered raspingly.
"Yes oneechan?"
"Burn them." The Suna kunoichi shudder as they rose to the catwalk above. This was by far the most humiliating defeat she had ever heard of. She vowed, silently, that Happosai would pay. A vow her brothers both silently committed to alongside nearly every kunoichi in the room. The two exceptions just happened to be the same ones that didn't give off killing intent.
#Round 10: Hinata Vs. Asuka#
"What! You expect me to beat up some timid little weirdo! Why did both my teammates get real opponents?" The redheaded Kusa kunoichi roared in outrage.
"So you plan on forfeiting Asuka-chan?" Her jounin-sensei smirked knowingly.
"What, no! I just want to show off against someone strong and cool, like that orange haired kid from sound or that short, blond Ame-nin."
"Who are you calling so short he..." Said blond exploded, quickly getting silenced as his genin swarmed him again before he could clap his hands together.
"Those are both jounin." Misato, because who didn't know it was Misato by now, drawled out, half bemused and half pissed-off.
"Exactly, they'll be a much better test of my skills than some mere..."
"(cough) Ring out, winner (cough) Hinata Hyuga." The sickly proctor choked out, stifling laughs that only made his coughs worse.
Hinata demurely bobbed her head in a bow under the weight of everyone's attention before trying to sneak back up to her team without attracting more attention.
As if on cue the redhead shrieked angrily, forcing her jounin-sensei to knock her out with a not-so-light blow to the back of her head.
#Round 11: Ryouga Vs. Tenten#
"Will (cough) Ryouga Habiki and (cough) Tent..."
"Dammit, grab him Vivi!"
"No the stairs are definitely that way."
"Just take my hand Ryouga-san."
"Throw him over the railing."
"But..."
"Just do it!"
The tiger-striped headband wearing genin landed smoothly on his feet, eyes finally locking onto his challenger and thus keeping him from wandering off. He grunted in recognition of her presence and pulled the umbrella off his back.
Tenten was pumped. She was ready, able and going to pound this idiot into the ground just for associating with his gnome-like teammate. Her body was a font of chakra, practically crawling under her skin, waiting for even the slightest cue to burst forth and leave whoever dared stand before her in a world of, sharp, pointy pain. How chakra achieved a sharp, pointy world of pain was not known to her, but since she specialized in weapons, she could probably make up whatever the energy failed to do with a liberal use of metallic supplements.
"Begin."
With an explosive burst of chakra she was on him before he knew what was happening, a hail of kunai descending in a wave thick enough to block out the ceiling.
Yet, just like Vivi, Ryouga was saved by the instincts being teamed up with Vivi Orunitia and training under Edward Elric had wrought upon him. For Vivi this had meant get far away and fire off wide-area ninjutsu as quickly as possible, as any close up fighting was going to hurt. For Ryouga, a close combatant, this meant shield yourself and endure then smash anything left. And hope your ninjutsu specialist didn't accidentally hit you again, not that he blamed Vivi, after all Ryouga had problems with by-standers all the time too.
So it was that through pure instinct Ryouga had opened his umbrella and crouched behind it, completely shielding himself the instant the match started. Compared the battering of overcharged wide-area ninjutsu and a storm of oversized stainless steel spires, a few hundred kunai splashing against his umbrella was nothing. The various swords, axes, kama, chains, scythes, spikes, daggers and spears that followed as the girl unsealed two scrolls worth of weapons were similarly easy to ignore.
Finally, after a minute or two of this futility it stopped. Knowing his cues well, the Ame-nin swung his umbrella around to free it of debris while charging forward, flinging his headband innumerable times.
At first Tenten panicked, seeing the counter attack coming yet having no way of blocking it. She swung out an arm, trying to divert the deadly, spinning clothe from striking her head, only to be stunned when she lashed out fast and powerful enough to swat each bandanna harmlessly out of the air.
A heady euphoria of power washed through her, clouding her judgment. She felt strong, unbeatable, ...invincible. Was this how Lee felt when he opened the gates? This addictive rapture of knowing, just suddenly knowing, there was no way and no one who could defeat you.
The kunoichi clenched her hand around the approaching umbrella being jabbed at her and snapped it with just her thumb and index finger, flicking her opponent's forehead with enough force to send him reeling and noticeably dent the metal. She felt as strong as Tsunade-sama.
With a sinister grin she channeled this incredible power to her legs as well as her arms, running and flicking her opposition, sending the shinobi bouncing like a rag doll across the floor. Within a few moments the euphoria died down and she grew bored, rearing back one arm to finish her bruised and battered enemy off.
And then pain started. A small, low ache that burst from her limbs as they exploded in a gale of blood and pure, uncontrolled chakra. She toppled over backwards as her muscles failed, burning away within the wash of energy. Her world suddenly a blinding white, ringing shell of agony unlike anything she had every experienced in her life. Though she didn't know it and would probably argue against it as vehemently as she could, her overuse of the chakra network in her arms and legs saved her life.
Unlike Lee she hadn't opened a gate and unlike Neji she didn't have a kekkei genkai or a large enough chakra reserve to shrug off the effects of her recent diet. In fact of all the leaf ninja only Lee's, Sakura's and her own chakra reserves were tiny enough to be permanently effected by the relatively small amount of chakra that had been locked in the jerky Gai had given them. If she hadn't been shoving so much chakra into her limbs, the pressure would have ruptured her chakra coils instead of relieving itself through her outer tenketsu, causing her entire torso to explode like her extremities had, only driving that same energy through her network, burning away her internal organs instead of all the muscles in her appendages.
She was very lucky indeed, though she would never know it or believe it.
"Dammit Ryouga! What the hell did you do to her! We're allied villages, remember?" The blond Ame jounin shouted angrily.
Ryouga just stood there, confused, until one of the medics escorted him to the medical bay.
#Round 12: Chouji Vs. Unnamed#
"Will Chouji Akimichi and Generic Anbu please (cou(cough)gh)..."
"An ANBU? I can't beat an ANBU!" The... large genin beside the pineapple headed Nara cried out in despair.
"Relax, he isn't a real ANBU, he's just from the clan that makes up most of our ANBU corps. In fact, ANBU was named after the Anbu clan. They've all got this kekkei genkai called 'Jikokakuhozetsumei.' I think we made them wear masks so we could tell them apart. Other than that..." The chain-smoking beard that was allegedly their sensei ended with a shrug. "We don't really know much about them."
"Come on Chouji, you know what Ino will do to us if you just give up." Shikamaru told the... portly ninja.
"And if you win, we'll go to an all you can eat barbecue."
The... vast ninja leapt from the catwalk, landing face to face with a thoroughly nondescript, generic looking genin in indescribably plain ninja gear, the leaf headband being the only distinct feature aside from a vague feeling of masculinity, though gender was also indeterminate through visual cues.
"Begin (cough) !"
"Barbecue!" The... enormous ninja roared, throwing a slow, easily avoidable punch straight in front of him.
With all the grace of a true Anbu, the blank genin took the blow directly to his chin, severing his head with so much force that it ricocheted off the far wall, the floor and finally the... huge ninja's face, knocking him out and over.
"Winner: Generic Anbu! (cough)"
To celebrate, the corpse sprayed a bit of blood into the air where its neck should be and fell over in overwhelming joy. Or at least it looked like overwhelming joy.
#Author's Notes#
The secret of the ANBU revealed.
All the matches and their results were left to random chance. I made a little chart thing and gave each result a range then randomly generated a number. Incidentally, this is also how the non-canon teams were chosen since I didn't really want to bother designing OCs and then having to explain their powers when lifting recognizable characters and powers was so much more convenient and stream-lined. They were "Eva set" and "random group" followed by jounin - "Edward Elric" and genin - "Happosai", "Vivi" and "Ryouga". There was a bit of panicking when I forgot who Vivi was suppose to be, but seeing a copy of Kingdom Hearts 2 in the used games sections reminded after a few weeks of failing to write up the scene. And figuring out how an in-training Happosai ninja could work was kind of fun. Incidentally, Ed has Kaneton (metal release, you know like Mokuton is wood release or Hyouton is ice release) to account for his alchemy, though this limits him to metals only.
The results I got for teams to survive the forest and advance were "rookie nine", "Suna", "Oto", "Kusa" and "Ame" so Gai's team getting in was actually an oversight, but they all lost so it's okay. I guess.
It's kind of funny, how well it all worked out and how easy they were to write (except Chouji Vs. Unnamed, I had no idea how anyone could lose to him), once I remember that Vivi was the little black mage guy. I know the matches themselves are kind of short, unbalanced and abbreviated, but this is a ridiculously long chapter for me and I just couldn't make myself cut it in half. Maybe I should get a beta-reader and force them to cut in half for me.
This is the last chapter I had stored and I got distracted halfway through editing it. I do hope that everyone is surprised by both the results and incapable of guessing what will happen next. Anyway, next chapter is aftermath from this and the chapter after that will probably be just the training various ninja undergo before the finals. One after that will be the finals. Oh, it'll be such fun.
Thundara - LIT2, see Final Fantasy 4.
Kowaku-ken - Seduction or Fascination Fist. You can probably tell what this is from Kin's fighting style.
Hentai - Pervert, specifically in a sexual way as opposed to say, perverting nature or teachings.
Sweeto - Happosai's battle cry, typically used just before a groping. His scene just didn't feel right without it.
Jikokakuhozetsumei - Self Gaurenteed End Of Life or Self Assured Death