Pancake mix!"
I'm kidding.
Shut up!" Feelee raised his head off the table and retired from banging his fist onto the wood. Toiti released a sobbing Dwaahhlin from his fanged maw. Oyn wiped the tears lured by his depression out of his eyes. Dora's jacket slipped open and thirty bread rolls spilled onto the floor. Oarey stopped staring at Keelee, who was still rocking back and forth in the corner, fingering his rape whistle. Hoiti sprang to her feet, laughing hysterically.
"You too, dynamo!" Birchbranch bellowed. Hoiti frowned and was quiet for the first time in her life.
"What are all you people doing at my house?" Bilbo wailed, obviously conflicted.
"They were invited." Gandarf explained calmly. Where Gandarf came from, I have no idea. But once again, POOF, he was there.
"Grandpa!" Hoiti squealed before going silent again under Birchbranch's disapproving glare. Toiti hissed and slunk away.
"Let's talk about this over dinner." Birchbranch said. At once all his men stood solemnly and filed into the kitchen. Except Baahhlin. Keelee sat next to Feelee. Oarey sat next to Keelee. Keelee sat down and cried. Dwaahhlin stood. He's deathly afraid of chairs. No-rey sat next to Bomber. Baahhlin was still on the ground next to the door. He's hopelessly lazy. Biter and Boter sat next to each other. Oyn and Gloyn sat next to each other. Hoiti sat on the head chair, bouncing with excitement. Birchbranch picked her up and threw her across the house, then sat.
"Go away, children!" he growled. Hoiti meowed angrily before slipping away into the night.
"When can we eat?" No-rey asked anxiously. He's a terrible stress eater. And Oarey's boring eyes staring into his soul was making him quite stressed indeed.
"We don't have to eat at all..." muttered Bomber, the bulimic. The one with The Eyes, Boter, was playing with a candle. His fingertips were red and the skin was peeled away, revealing burned, charred flesh beneath. He was a pyromaniac.
Birchbranch was attempting to haul Baahhlin into a chair, unsuccessfully.
Dwaahhlin was debating whether or not he should sit. You understand, he was also petrified of floorboards, and there were a great deal of those.
The chair remained stoic, which Dwaahhlin insightfully realized that it was readying for attack, so he effortlessly tossed his lazy big brother into the menacing chair and sat down on top of Dora, who immediately began to pick his pockets.
"BE QUIET!" Birchbranch said loudly. He wanted to say something much more colorful, but he knew the story was T-rated, so he refrained.
All was quiet, except the sound of Toiti's muffled panting from under the table. Why he was there, I don't know. Neither did Toiti.
"I have gathered you, my most trusted comrades, here today for a very important reason." he began, pausing for effect.
In the silence that followed, a strange, hairball-like choking noise that may have been laughing echoed through the hobbit hole.
Gandarf's eyes widened. He began to look very worried, because whoever knew Hoiti knew that sound never meant anything good.
Suddenly, an awkward form fell from the support beams and landed upon poor Keelee's head.
"RAPE! RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE!" he shrieked around Hoiti's pale, veiny limbs, scrambling for his whistle.
You see, Hoiti's limited self control was gone, leaving her with no other choice than to physically maul her 'lover.'
Keelee had begun to cry, and fumbled for his whistle desperately, blowing vigorously though it would really do him no good.
Luckily, Hoiti was well trained and, at the sound of the whistle, sat obediently on Keelee's head, assuming her usual wide-eyed, blank stare.
Annoyed to the brink of violence, Thorin Birchbranch rushed over to his nephew and knocked Hoiti off of Keelee with Toiti, who was similarly frozen. The twins fell to the floor, where they proceeded to trot away on all fours.
Hoiti yipped pleasantly over her shoulder, to which Toiti was very confused because usually he was the canine-noise-making one.
Throughout this, Bilbo was very confused. On account of the fact that he was subconsciously in denial of Hoiti and Toiti's existence, what he had just witnessed was very odd. Kili had screamed for no obvious reason, and Thorin knocked an invisible something off of Keelee's head with a second invisible something, which, if you have just received fourteen rude, unwanted guests with varying mood disorders is very peculiar indeed.
Upon being freed, Keelee fled to the corner, where her nervously blew his whistle softly, over and over again, just to be safe.
"I don't want to be alooooonnnneeee..." Feelee wailed, running to his brother. He clutched Keelee and closed his eyes. (He has abandonment issues you must remember)
Suddenly, Oarey started to cry.
"No...one understa-hands meheehee..." he sobbed. Thorin turned his dark eyes on the young dwarf, his expression mildly murderous.
Dwaahhlin began to whimper, his eyes wide.
Biter attempted to comfort him, not wanting a fourth dwarf to start bawling, but his chronic sarcasm issue just made it worse, and soon Dwaahhlin had tears running down his face.
Then Biter cried because whenever he was trying to be nice, it came off as rude. Which it was, of course, but that was beside the point.
Oyn had tears running down his face now as well, but no one knew why. He just did. It is entirely possible that Oyn himself didn't know that he was crying, let alone why.
By this time, Bomber had been whispering horrible, horrible threats, like cholesterol, trans fats, and calories to No-rey for quite a while, and he was starting to feel stressed. Which made him eat more. Which made him more stressed. Resulting in an endless spiral of stress