The Back Of My Mind, I Couldn't Get You To Go
***Edited*** A/N: The powers that be really need to make that chapter title bar longer... OK, so there are spoilers/references to 4x17 "Demonology" in this chapter. I like this chapter a lot, Emily is possibly my favourite character to write. :P Read and review please!
Song Recommendation: "Closer To You" by The Coronas... Pretty much my favourite band of all time. :)
Disclaimer; *checks bank account* Nope, I still do not own Criminal Minds (Maybe then I could afford a car). -.-
There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds." - Laurell K. Hamilton
That night, Emily found herself lying on her back on her bed, confining herself to the prison fortress that was her mind.
She had been struck by a contemplative mood, and was now mulling over the various decisions that had brought her to where she was, bitter sweetly reminiscing over her major regrets and looking forward to all that she had had yet to do and learn.
She had been listening to a lot of European bands as of late, and absently placed one of her one her favourite albums in the CD player as she made her way towards the noises coming from the hall. Her neighbour's pet cat, Sergio, appeared through her open fire escape window and trailed after her, as he was wont to do.
She was shocked by the sight that greeted her.
Penelope had come in through the front door, leaving said door open behind her and left a wet trail from the hall through to the living room. Penelope herself was soaked to the skin, red hair plastered to her forehead, her clothes saturated and her shoes squelching every time she shifted her weight. What worried Emily most though, was the vacant, shell shocked expression on her best friend's face.
Emily flipped into maternal caregiver mode, closing and locking the front door and trying to coax a few words out of a waxen Penelope. Finally giving up, she said "Ok, just stay here while I ring Derek, he'll come round and we'll work this out."
That jolted Penelope out of her reverie, she grabbed Emily's wrist in a vice grip and proclaimed in a surprisingly strong voice; "No! The boys can't know, you can't tell them Em." Her voice softened to a plea, and she fixed Emily with a beseeching expression.
Emily relented and resumed her mother hen activities.
With Penelope in the shower warming up, Emily threw the sodden clothes her friend had been wearing into the kitchen sink, mopped up the muddy water trail through the house and finally made a bowl of chicken soup.
A few hours later, the two young women were sitting on the sofa, sharing a duvet and a pint of Häagen-Dazs pralines and cream flavor ice cream. They sat in comfortable silence, both waiting for the other to broach the topic of what had happened.
Emily, ever impatient, broke first; "Pen, I made you my famous chicken soup and this is our 'my-world-is-ending` comfort food..." she gestured at the sack of chocolate chip cookies by her left knee and the mostly empty ice cream tub. "The time for wallowing has come and gone, so spill."
"First of all, you swear that this conversation will never leave this room?" Penelope seemed to need the assurance so Emily held out her pinky finger and they made the time honoured pact.
"Well... Ever since November of sophomore year, I've kind of been in a relationship with one of my professors." Ignoring Emily's gasp, Penelope ploughed onwards; "It's professor Hotchner, the young guy who lectures on criminal law and criminology. You've probably never even seen him blink, let alone smile, but I can't even begin to describe how happy it makes me every time he laughs. He has this five year old son, and when he called me Mama Penny at Christmas, I didn't freak or even correct him, I just smiled and hugged him." She seemed to be searching for the words to continue.
"This is fantastically scandalous and I can feel myself getting cavities from the sweetness of it all, but what's the big bombshell that had you so shaken?" Emily gently pressed.
"He told me he loved me six months after we first got together, and we'd been having sex for a long time before that..." Comprehension dawned on Emily's face, as well as something else that Penelope couldn't place. "I really do love him, but I'm not even legally allowed to buy alcohol for another four days! I haven't taken a pregnancy test yet, but when I walked past the poster for the basketball blitz on Friday, I suddenly realised that my period is four days late. Em, what if the test is positive? How can I tell him I don't want a child right now?"
Penelope's confession had dredged up a multitude feelings in Emily that were far better left undisturbed.
Feeling her chest constrict and her throat tighten, Emily knew that the time had come to reveal one of her darkest secrets.
Shaking off her melancholy, she went to their shared medicine cabinet in the bathroom and returned with a pregnancy test. She wordlessly handed it to Penelope, giving her a comforting squeeze on the shoulder.
As Penelope readied herself and the pregnancy test in the bathroom, Emily heard the lyrics of a song float from her bedroom;
Several signs have led me to this place,
Don't fancy my chances if it's left to fate.
Got me long before you could know,
The back of my mind I couldn't get you to go.
The message in the lyrics tugged painfully at her heart, reminding her that she had never really dealt with the situation, only buried it in a deep, dark hole.
Penelope, who now had to wait twenty minutes to see the results of her pregnancy test, plonked back onto the couch next to Emily and looked at her with apprehensive eyes.
"I have to tell you something." Emily began with a sigh.
"You already know that I moved around a lot as a kid. My mom's postings forced us to move every six to ten months, and I hated it. Every time, I'd be just starting to settle and make real friends when we had to uproot and begin the process all over again. But there was this one time, my mother was posted in Rome, and we stayed there for a whole year and a half. I don't know why we were there so long, but I was 15 at the time, and I wanted above all else to be accepted. I made friends with a guy called Matthew, and he introduced me to his best friend Séan. For the first time in my life, I had someone to turn to when I felt alone. But I was stupid, and when an older boy took an interest in me I ignored Matthew's warnings and..." Emily trailed off, still unable to voice the happenings of that summer.
"You got pregnant." Penelope breathed, her eyes huge.
"Yeah... I couldn't tell my mom so Matthew took me to talk to the local priest, Father Gamino, and he told me that if I got an abortion then I wouldn't be welcome in his congregation. But Matthew found a doctor, and he went with me to the clinic. He held my hand all the way through the procedure, and when we got back to Rome that Sunday, he took my hand and marched me up the aisle of the church to the front pew. He told me to hold my chin high, and when Father Gamino stopped his sermon, they just glared at each other for a moment. Father Gamino went back to his sermon, and life continued on. Matthew was the best friend I ever had, and he saved my life." Having said her piece, Emily stared into space.
Penelope drew her into a gentle, inexorable hug. As she felt Emily begin to cry against her shoulder, she soothingly whispered; "Oh Em, I had no idea! I can't believe that this happened to you, you're so strong and independent. I'm not judging by the way, I think you're incredibly brave to tell me that story."
The oven timer went off, and Penelope immediately stiffened before Emily let her go and gave a watery smile.
Penelope rose from the couch, trepidation clear on her features as she approached the bathroom door. Taking a deep breath, she pushed open the door and went inside.
There was an audible gasp from the bathroom, and the sound of a body hitting the floor.
A/N: The little blue button is calling your name... ;)