AN: So...Io non son Americano. I dunno how y'alls police stations work, and I ain't never been state-side, so...bear with the possible inaccuracies of this chapter.
Chapter Four
"Adams Foster, is that you?" The desk sergeant said in complete surprise.
"Take your jaw off the floor, Torres," Stef replied "it's unsanitary."
Lena felt the sudden urge to mark her territory. Not by urinating, of course, but by spinning her wife around and planting the most tongue-filled, inappropriate kiss on the woman's lips until the SWAT team had to pull them apart.
And then she wondered if the San Diego Police Department had a SWAT team.
"You know the Police Ball isn't for another couple months, right?" Torres joked, as several other officers began to whistle and clap at the sight of their comrade in a dress.
"Knock it off, you clowns," Stef growled at them, as Mike bundled a wriggling middle-aged man in behind her.
"What've we got here?"
"Reckless endangerment," Mike panted "won't give us a name. No way to I.D him either."
"I want my phone call!" The suspect bleated.
Stef led Lena away from the scene and had her wife sit down. They couldn't record their statement while the guy was right in front of them.
"HEY!" The man suddenly yelled as he caught sight of Lena's mane "HEY! ARREST THAT BITCH!"
"LANGUAGE!" Half the floor of police officers suddenly chorused.
"Good to see you've had an influence on your co-workers," Lena whispered as she ignored the man and sat down.
She dealt with petulant teenagers every day. One more spoiled brat wouldn't rattle her, no matter how old he was.
"Just out of curiosity," Mike asked the man as he, Torres and one other police officer struggled to keep him calm "what do you want her arrested for?"
"JUST DO IT, YOU MORONS!"
"You don't wanna make me angry, sir," Torres advised the man.
Lena was surprised that no one else had lost their temper. She had half a mind to ask every uniformed officer she met from then onwards if they meditated.
"Yeah?" The man taunted the officer "Or what?"
"Or you'll find it real hard to make your phone call with a broken jaw."
He relaxed as reason gradually seeped into him. He was already in a bad situation. Might as well not make it worse.
But he still had his pride to protect.
"Thank you for cooperating," Torres said to the man "now, please state your name and address for the book."
"So you can charge me? Ha," the man spat "I ain't stupid."
"Will someone check this guy's brain before I send him to the infirmary in worse condition than he's already in?"
"I still can't believe we're doing this," Lena sighed as Stef handed her a plastic cup of water.
"It's a slow night," the blonde replied as she sat next to her "sooner we get this over with, the better."
"Amen to that," Mike replied as he stepped up to them.
"Sorry to drag you out on your night off."
"Nah," he shrugged "to be honest, I was pretty bored. The kids were really impressed, though. Fire department's fixed the busted hydrant, by the way."
"At least someone's lawns got watered tonight," Stef sighed, and Lena wondered if that was a double-entente.
Torres came back and waved them over.
"Here goes," Lena sighed.
They had just finished recording their statements when they were finally cleared to leave. The ladies – and Mike – were literally one step away from the front door when the universe reminded them that it wasn't done for the day.
"I'm sorry, guys," Torres walked up to them with five other officers in tow.
"What's going on?"
"The suspect has given us enough to bring a charge of assault."
"Are you kidding me?" Stef gasped.
"He's being examined in the infirmary right now. Until the docs give us the results, you can't leave the station, Mrs. Adams Foster."
"Which one?" Mike asked him in irritation.
"Oh, sorry. Mrs Lena Adams Foster."
"You guys!" Mariana jumped into the living room with a slice of pizza in her hand.
Her arch-nemesis, the television, refused to relax its grip on the rest of the gathering.
"YOU GUYS!" The short girl crowed again as she stepped in front of the watchers.
"Get out the way, Mariana!" Jesus complained, and would have thrown his pizza slice at her if it wasn't so delicious.
"Look at your twitter feeds. Now."
Brandon whipped his phone out and did as asked.
"Suburbia got talent," he read aloud to the rest of the room "trying 2 find women in video. Fame awaits. hashtag crazybiker, hashtag wtf, hashtag amazingaim."
They listened to the audio for half a second then crowded round him an instant later.
"Oh...my...GOD!"
"Call them! Call them NOW!"
They shivered and oh-my-godded while the cell phone rang...and rang...and rang...until finally-
"Hello? Real housewives of San Diego?"
I tell a tale of minutes gone by when the world was calm and the moon was high.
When rode a knight of righteous...um...need?
Through a land of watered lawns on his trusty steed.
When a carriage did fling itself at him,
And Sir Rider did fall, but was not injured
And from that carriage emerged some witches,
And much did Sir Rider thence endure.
For they did slay his noble steed,
And attack him with their claw'd feet.
"He got his phone call," Mike informed Stef as she paced nervously before her desk "are you sure we shouldn't call the kids?"
"What're they gonna do? Bail her out?" Stef asked him yet again.
He backed off with his arms raised in surrender.
"You want some coffee?"
"My wife just got arrested and they won't let me see her. Do I LOOK like I wanna have coffee to you?"
"Hey," he said to his ex-wife "we're gonna look back at this night and laugh about it some day."
"GET OUT!"
"Hey guys," a youngish-looking cop said as she walked into the room "you might wanna see this."
"Real housewives of San Diego?" Stef could have pummeled the kid to death.
Lena might lose her job. What kinda idiot would-
Smash!
The blonde woman watched the video play out and yelped.
"TORRES!"
The woman in blue took off after the man. The woman in black took her shoe off and threw it at the fleeing suspect.
It connected with him – it wasn't clear if it had hit the back of his head, but it could be assumed – and he had sprawled onto the pavement. The woman in blue had caught up with him, read him his Miranda rights and seemed to wait for something.
The woman in black had walked up to the pair and picked her shoe up before she had spoken to the other woman. There had been dignified silence...and then...
"Is my bike okay?" The man had asked.
"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"
The woman in black had launched into a tirade at such an impressive volume that neighbours began to flood out of their homes.
"That hydrant was right in front of someone's house! What would have happened if your bike hadn't stopped, you irresponsible waste of oxygen?!"
"You need to step back, Lena," the woman in blue had told her, and she had done just that.
Mike had arrived a few moments later.
"That lying piece of-"
"LANGUAGE!" Stef and Mike chorused.
Torres shrugged his shoulders and shook his head.
"I seriously think this guy has some kinda disease. No one can be this stupid on purpose."
"Heads up, sarge," someone in uniform hollered from the other end of the hall "the guy's next-of-kin is here."
A smartly-dressed man in his mid-twenties came into view, looking worried.
"I'm here for Evan Markham?"
"You his lawyer?"
"I'm his son."
"So I was going up the street to deliver a pizza," the guy said to the camera as the busted fire hydrant erupted in the background "when I heard this, like, smashing sound. Like...SMASH!"
"No wonder he didn't want a tip," Mariana rolled her eyes "my God, what a fame-whore."
"Look who's talking," Callie retorted.
"Hey Mom's calling," Brandon said as Jude lowered the volume on the TV "Hi Mom! You're on speaker."
"Everything okay over there?"
"Yeah. Just having some pizza and watching stuff. How about you guys? How's dinner?"
"Oh it's good. Great, actually."
"We've witnessed enough PDA for one day, so don't elaborate," Brandon insisted.
"Amen to that," Jesus piped up from the other side of the room.
"I still think you should have told them," Mike said as they walked out of the station.
"I'm with Stef on this one," Lena admitted "the less they know, the better we'll all be."
"Prison's really changed you, huh?" Stef snorted.
"I can't believe they're holding my shoe as evidence," Lena complained as they walked to the car.
"Captain Roberts is gonna nail this guy on every wrong thing he did," her wife explained "and apparently he's stinking rich, so...maybe we can take that second honeymoon we've always wanted."
"Milk it for all it's worth, girls," Mike advised them "and thanks for tonight. It's been severely entertaining."
"Wish I could say the same," Stef remarked "goodnight, Mike. Maybe you should stop by the house. See if the kids are behaving themselves."
"I think that's a great idea," Lena agreed.
Mike drove off.
"I'd say my shoes look good on you, Mrs. Adams Foster," the blonde remarked when they were in the car again.
She'd had to raid her locker for her spare set of boots. Good thing she and her wife had the same shoe size.
"You sure you wouldn't have preferred my leather skull-crushers instead?" She joked.
"I like being in heels. Wearing the boots would be too...different...an experience for me."
"Ha. Like being arrested was a familiar one?"
"You know what I meant," her lover sighed "wait..."
Stef had been about to start up the car. She left the key in the ignition and turned to face Lena.
Two freezing hands gripped the sides of her face and pulled her in for a deep kiss.
"Careful there," the policewoman winked when they broke apart "wouldn't wanna get pulled in for public indecency, would we?"
"It's that damn police station," the Vice Principal defended "every time I go there, I wanna mark my territory. And yeah, I know...language."
"That sounds kinky," Stef grinned "maybe that's why we don't have a bring-your-spouse-to-work day."
"Just drive," Lena swatted her arm and buckled up.
"Next stop: the restaurant! Actually...gas station first, then restaurant."
"Good idea. I can't handle any more unpleasant surprises tonight," her wife agreed "oh! And I can get toothbrushes!"
Sorry about the poem. I'm feeling playful with this story. Please review! And yes, they DO get to dine, next.