Chapter 3: Getting Antsy

Disclaimer: S. Meyer owns Twilight/ R. Davies et al, BBC Comm. own rights to Dr. Who

"We came all the way across the stars … for this?"

"This is just our first stop. Don't be too quick to judge. We haven't actually seen much of the planet. Paradise could be hiding over the next ridge. You shouldn't be complaining anyhow. It's ungrateful; you got a free buddy pass."

"Okay, I'm sorry. Thank you for taking me to this dry, desolate and poor excuse for a planet. I'm game. Let's get on with it."

We'd walked about half a kilometer, and everywhere in the surrounding area were hills dotted with abandoned buildings. I was beginning to get a bit disappointed myself. What in the name of Gallifrey had happened here?

I pointed out some rather peculiar looking indigenous plants, and told Leah, "Be careful. You never know if some of these will sting, burn, or drive you mad with itching."

Spotting a large specimen that reminded me of Audrey II. I almost expected it to yell, "Feed me, Seymour. Feed me."

A little further on, we arrived at a small hillock, and a swarm of black ants began to cover it. One approached Leah's foot, and she instinctively stomped on it before I shouted, "No, wait. Don't!"

"It's a freakin' ant," she said. "And he was gonna bite me."

"Hold on, these creatures are sentient. He only came to ask for our assistance."

"And how do you know that?"

"Telepathically based universal translation system. It's extreeeemely handy."

She lifted her foot, and I heard the little chap's plea.

Help me … help me please. My leg; it's broken.

Leah moved aside, and several ants came and carried their injured comrade back to the nest. I got down on one knee and whipped out my OEG, or object enhancement glass. I stared through the glass as another leader took his place. "Ooh, you are a tiny thing. Never talked to an ant before. Ah,well, first time for everything, eh? … I'm the Doctor by the way."

"Doctor, my name is Niti, and we are in grave peril."

"Grave peril, you say. Hmn … That is a bit of a pickle. How can I help you?"

"The red army is on the march. They've been spotted by our lookouts. They want to take our food and water, destroy our home and make us their slaves."

"Blimey, I don't have any pesticide. What would you have me do?"

% % % % %

My patience was wearing thin. I tapped him on the arm. "You seriously want me to believe they're talking to you? Gawd, I came here expecting some spectacular adventure, with weird creatures, and outta this world scenery. Instead, I'm surrounded by a hallucinating star trekker and a mob of ants."

He looked up. "Not just any ants. These are ants of outer space."

"Big whoop. Seen one, ya've seen 'em all. What is this place, the picnic planet? No wonder it's deserted."

The Doctor motioned me to hunker down, and handed me the magnifying glass. Of course it was hi-tech. It was more like a microscope, with a button on the stem to enlarge whatever you were looking at. When I brought the glass to my eye, I nearly fell over backwards. I could clearly see the ant's eyes and mouth moving. That was enough to convince me. Gave me the creepy crawlies too. I nearly flung the freakin' glass to Doctor. Vampires, I could deal with—bugs, not so much.

"There, now don't you feel foolish?"

"Well, who the hell ever heard of a talking ant?"

This Who, that's who. And Niti says the red ants are on their way to wage war."

"Now, that I can believe. I can see a streak of red coming in from the north." I pointed to my eyes. "Wolf vision, remember?"

"Oi! That doesn't give me much time to come up with a plan."

"Why do you need to invent a plan? This isn't your concern. It's not like you're an outer space ant. Why should you even care? Don't you have some sort of order specifying that you can't interfere with the status quo? I mean, think about it, this war has probably gone on for a millennia or two."

"Exactly. It's gone on far too long. And that's why we are going to put a stop to it. I'm the Doctor, and that's what I do. I fix things, save lives, and do whatever needs doing. Why do you think I carry around a screwdriver, eh?"

"And you call me foolish? Okay, what if we came up with a treaty? Worked for all our tribes."

"A treaty … brilliant! That's just, well … brilliant, that's what it is. Let's get back to the TARDIS and hammer one out together."

"What the hell are they fighting over?"

I revved up my computer. "Oh, the usual … food, water, territory, politics …"

"Politics?"

With a wink, I blared, "Gotcha!"

"How can you joke at a time like this? I thought you were being serious about helping them."

"Yeah … okay. I guess I deserved that."

"Right, so how about if they build a storage facility together, in neutral territory, and divide it. Then, they wouldn't have to raid and plunder. And with the reds assisting with the gathering, the other ants wouldn't be accused of hoarding all the food and water. Whaddya think, Doctor?"

"I think that sounds like Point 1. Now, for Point 2: They can set up markers to designate each boundary. Point 3: A system of judges should try any ant that breaks the treaty."

"They'll need a talking stick too. Arguing gets you nowhere."

I printed out my very first official document: The Territory of Antoris Treaty, and Leah nodded in approval which somehow made me feel especially proud. Then we legged it back to the old ant hill with the precious agreement in my hand.

"Niti greeted me, and I went over the details with him.

"Do you think the red ants will agree?"

"I don't know. Senka is their leader. He's extremely belligerent, but perhaps you could talk some sense into him."

The red army ants halted just short of the hill. I called to Senka, "Greetings, Senka. I'm the Doctor, and I'm here to propose a peace treaty. What say you?"

The large red ant snorted, and said, "There can be no peace between our two species. Niti and his colony possess all the most fertile fields and the water. We have neither, so we're forced to take it wherever we can."

"Hold on … suppose, just suppose that you work together and gather up all the food and water you can, and place it in a communal storehouse. Would that be agreeable?"

Senka puffed out his thorax, and bellowed, "Why should I agree to that, when I can take what I want?"

That comment set me off. "Bollocks! You can comply with the treaty, or I can go back to my ship and return with a can of RAID."

"What's that?"

"You don't want to know. But I can give you the Doctor's guarantee that you won't like it; no, not one little bit."

"You drive a hard bargain, Doctor …"

"Just the Doctor."

"If that stubborn Niti agrees, then I guess I'll have to agree also."

"Oh, yes, you will. Now, talk it over with Niti, and he'll apprise you of the finer points.

"Ah, well then, we'll be off while you work out the details. I have faith in you."

I brushed my hand together after putting my OEG back in my pocket. "Blimey, I wasn't rubbish at treaty making, was I? Another win-win solution for the Doctor."

Leah yanked me back to reality. "Huuuuh!" she huffed. "Whose idea was it anyway?"

"Oh, right. Sorry. It was after all, your idea, and it was a bloody masterpiece."

"Damn straight, ET!"

% % % % %

We entered the TARDIS and I asked Doctor, "Do you really have a can of RAID?"

"Nah, I was talking through my hat. But if I waved this at them ..." Here, he displayed his now familiar screwdriver. "… it could reeeaaaaly ant-agonize them."

"Ya know, you have a way with words."

"Oh, yes. I love words, not four letter ones, just nice words; long words, less used words, and nonsensical, made-up words."

"I like words also, and I have one just for you—stop!"

"Alright then. It's time for lunch anyway. So, fancy a picnic?"

"Are you serious? This is the ant planet, and I do not welcome any to walk off with my food, treaty or no treaty."

"Come onnnn … they're not likely to incur the wrath of the Doctor." His eyes widened and his brows twitched. "The infamous can of RAID and all."

"You're impossible, ya know that?"

"Not impossible, just highly unlikely."

"Whatever."

And so, there we were sitting on a blanket in an air corridor, on freakin' Antoris, eating sandwiches and chips; not at all what I pictured when I signed on to this mission. Then again, I never expected to meet a weirdo spaceman with a screwdriver fetish, or one flying around the universe in a police call box either. What would the pack think about this? Leah Clearwater sharing lunch with ET on a distant planet—who woulda thunk?

I was deep in thought, literally staring into space. It was a lot to digest, and I didn't mean lunch. If this was a dream, and I woke up in La Push, I would totally go ballistic.

I glanced at my handsome, intergalactic traveler, and suddenly heard him say, "Oi, Antoris to earthgirl, come in … earthgirl."

"What?"

"I was just saying we better clean up the area before the corridor collapses."

"Oh."

We finished sweeping up the remains, leaving behind the crumbs for the local inhabitants, then gathered up all the dishes, and blanket, and headed to the TARDIS.

"Doctor?"

He looked up from the console after tweaking some knobs. "Right here, right now, listening to every syllable."

"I just wanted to thank you for bringing me here. I'm not disappointed; really, I'm not. I would like to know what happened to the people, or other beings who lived here tho'."

He sat down in the pilot's seat, and patted the worn cushion beside him. "Have a seat, Leah."

The Doctor sighed. "Funny you should ask. I questioned Niti about that same subject myself. It seems the Red army ants swarmed into the buildings and ate everything in their path, food, plants, and people included. Well, at least I imagine they cannibalized everything. I didn't get the gory details. In any event, the residents were either eaten or decided this planet wasn't big enough for the ants and the people, so they got outta Dodge and never returned."

"That's a very sobering thought."

"You live as long as I have, and you see it happening a lot; the strong overrunning the weak. It's a never-ending cycle. My own planet was destroyed in the Last Great Time Wars, and the enemy nearly decimated as well. Daleks, they were called."

"Daleks?"

"Oh yes, they're like these tin cans with tiny miserable beings encased in the metal, shouting, Exterminate! Exterminate! A few escaped, and now there's a newly generated army out there somewhere, just waiting for another crack at the Doctor."

"You mean you're alone in the fight against them?"

"That assumption is entirely correct. In the meantime, I travel here and there, and in time itself, hoping to outrun them, and/ or prevent them from overtaking the rest of the universe. Stubborn beasties they are. It's a bloody lonely job, but someone has to do it."

He took my hand, his dark eyes riveted on mine, and I couldn't look away. "You know, there's a lot of things you need to get across this universe. Warp drive … wormhole refractors … you know the thing you need most of all? You need a hand to hold."

The Doctor stood up. "Blimey, isn't it getting soppy in here? What say we venture out again, and trundle about in some of these alien structures?"

"You're not going to try renovating them, are you?"

"I'm afraid even my sonic screwdriver would find that task indomitable.

"Come on then, Leah. Allons-y!"

It was difficult seeing the ruins in the interiors of homes and buildings that once teemed with people, or creatures or whatever. Dust and debris covered the floors; glass shards along with mud bricks and fallen timbers and stonework made an obstacle course that slowed our journey.

When we came to the last building in what remained of the block, our shoes crunched repeatedly on something beneath us, sinking down about four inches. The doctor crouched, brushing away some of the dusty sediment. In a low voice, he said, "This is where it all started. The others must have escaped elsewhere."

"How can you be so sure?"

"We're walking on their dry bones. They should be mummified in this heat, yet they're stripped down to the skeleton."

I backed up, and turning, ran outside, my breath hitching. The Doctor reached me quickly. "I've had enough. I need to leave this horrible place."

"My sentiments exactly. Follow me."