*Throws chronological order out of the window.*

I'm aware that this story has been on a really really long hiatus, and I apologize for that. That being said, I'm still not ready to come back to this story . . . maybe ever. I've moved on to other fandoms, and I'm still refusing to see Kingsman 2 after all the controversy and mixed reviews. That being said, Kingsman will always occupy a place in my heart, even though this ship might be kind of problematic now.

At the very least, updates will be sporadic. You readers are such lovely people, and I can't believe that you guys have hung on for so long.

(This chapter was something I had pre-written and saved as a draft for a while. I didn't edit it, so please bear with me.)

There's something awkwardly pleasing about seeing your boyfriend and your uncle/mentor being forced to hang out. It's even more satisfying when you're the one managing the play date.

("It's a casual dinner, Roxy, for God's sake, have some class.")

Five cartons of Chinese takeout and three bottles of beer werre strewn around Percival's coffee table. Other than that, his apartment was immaculate.

"I tell you, Eggsy," started Percival. "Women will ruin you. They'll seduce you and make you believe happiness is real, but then they'll leave you in an instant for a richer man."

Eggsy had already made his way through two out of the three bottles of beer on the table, but Percival had been brought out of surgery less than a day ago. If he had to guess, Percival was probably still high on sedatives and other drugs.

(Roxy had already given up trying to prevent Percival from eating what she called "oily, greasy fast food in disguise.")

"Damn, Percival," Eggsy managed awkwardly. "Who 'urt you?"

Roxy stuck her head out of the kitchen. "Is this about Lena again?"

Percival shook a finger at Roxy. "Yes," he declared.

"It's been twenty years. You have to get over her, James."

"She was my love!" Percival protested. "And she betrayed me!"

Roxy rolled her eyes. Percival leaned closer to Eggsy. "She was beautiful," he confided, as if Roxy didn't already know. "Smart and snarky. Could drink me under the table, too. Once won eight thousand pounds from the Prince of Sweden in a game of Russian Roulette."

"She sounds... Interesting."

"She was," Percival sighed. "Stole my heart away. Up until she decided to get married to an idiotic bloke from Wales."

"We never found out what happened to her after that, did we?" Roxy mused.

"I don't care," slurred Percy, the alcohol starting to adle his brain. "She gone now, and we were supposed to be together."

Roxy curled herself into the sofa adjacent to Eggsy's, and he stole a look at her. She shrugged at him and reached for an unopened bottle of beer, twisting the cap off. Percival dug his chopsticks into the carton of lo mein and stuffed himself.

"I didn't say that to deter you from pursuing a girl—" he paused. "Or bloke. Or alien. Or tree. Whatever you're into. But love can be the best thing in the universe and the worst thing in the universe. It all depends on fate."

~*~
Mornings at Kingsman HQ were always hectic.

The day started promptly at 6:30 sharp, with Arthur enjoying his eggs and sausage with the day's edition of The Times (although everyone knew he liked to sneak a copy of The Sun in there as well). He would wait and read patiently. He knew that his morning would be soon disrupted.

He wasn't disappointed.

"I'm just saying, that bloody bugger deserved more than what he got!"

"He's the antagonist, Percival."

"So? He's was still the best character in that movie."

"Percival, he tried to kill everyone."

"He only killed like, five people, max. In the movie. That other genocidal maniac killed everyone."

"I gotta agree with 'im on this, Rox."

"What?!"

Arthur looked up just as the three agents came into view. Percival looked extremely smug, while Roxy looked betrayed and Eggsy looked sheepish."

"Good morning, Lancelot, Percival, Galahad. I trust your recovery went well?" Harry said, nodding to Percival.

"It went very well, thank you, Arthur." Piped Percival.

Harry raised an eyebrow. "Well, then, take a seat. Bors and Merlin should be joining us soon."

"Thas' it, then? The rest o' them are all on missions?"

"Some of them are in the medical wing, Galahad. It's been quiet out in the world lately."

"Do you think it has something to do with that crime ring we found two weeks ago?" Roxy asked, sitting down and reaching for a piece of toast.

"That son of bitch Renaldi," muttered Eggsy scathingly.

"Language, Galahad," reprimanded Harry mildly. "Yes, I believe so. You and Lancelot managed to destroy nearly half of their drug empire. No doubt they're still suffering profit loss."

"They'll try to build themselves up again," Percival muttered. "Sons of bitches like them won't stay down for long."

"So all we gotta do is completely destroy 'em," Eggsy rebutted.

"I'm afraid it's not that simple, Galahad." Harry sighed, turning to the monitor on the wall. A profile was pulled up, along with multiple pictures of what looked like morgue reports.

The profile depicted a man glaring at the four kingsmen.

RICHARD RENALDI

AGE: 34

HEIGHT: 5'8"

EYE COLOR: BLUE

HAIR COLOR: BROWN

WEIGHT: 160 LB

OCCUPATION: ARMS DEALER, DRUG DEALER

FAMILY: EMELIA ISADORE (MOTHER, DECEASED), HAROLD RENALDI (FATHER, DECEASED), RACHEL RENALDI (SISTER)

Percival frowned. "Why is it so short?"

Harry sighed. "It is very difficult to find information on. . . Mister Renaldi. As you all know, he is quite adept as escaping the authorities; He has built up quite the follower base for himself, and there are hundreds of people who would lay down their lives to protect him."

Roxy raised an eyebrow. "You sound impressed."

"I'm merely admitting that he has established quite an empire out of nothing," Harry said defensively. "He started out as an orphan who had to provide for his sister."

"Yeah, well, that was twenty-five years ago," Percival cut in dismissively. "I say that anything over ten years doesn't count."

"I agree with Percy."

"Eggsy, I love you, but don't ever call me Percy."

"Understood, Percy."

Roxy rolled her eyes at the two kingsmen who were currently arguing back and forth like children. "Could we get back on track here?"

Eggsy gave her a cheeky grin. "All righ' luv."

"Don't call me luv." Roxy turned away from him only to be met with Percy aggressively wiggling his eyebrows at her. She glared.

You look ridiculous

He grinned and mouthed at her. You're besotted.

Roxy was about to mouth something not-so-nice back, but Harry cleared his throat. "All right, everyone, shall we continue?"

Roxy turned her attention back to Harry, and he began talking again. "Renaldi has been seen transporting large crates, along with back and forth from his warehouses to the docks. As of right now, we do not know exactly what is in them, but according to our agents in Italy, Renaldi may be selling to Eastern European or Middle Eastern buyers."

"You think he's selling weapons?" Percival leaned forward.

"Correct. Weapons, or something even worse."

"Whas' even wors' then weapons?" Eggsy frowned.

"Information," Roxy guessed. "A man like Renaldi would never commit himself so loosely to a cause he believes in. Weapons aren't enough for him to feel like he's making a difference."

"You're right, Lancelot." Harry cued up a video on the wall.

It was a time lapse of one of Renaldi's warehouses in Sicily. Men ran back and forth, outside to inside, left to right. Crates were pushed this way and that, and Roxy had to squint to make sense of the situation. The crates were loaded into the truck, and were about to be transported elsewhere, but then two men ran out with another crate. They moved too quickly; one slip on slick ground and the crate came crashing down onto the road, revealing that Renaldi was shipping-

"Is that cabbage?" Percival leaned forward in astonishment. "Those buggers were transporting cabbage?"

Before Harry could respond, the doors to the room opened to reveal Merlin and Bors. Bors was grinning like a fool, while Merlin was glaring straight forward. Bors was a forty-something man who still had some of his boyish features carved into his face, making him appear years younger than he actually was. Shorter than both Eggsy and Percival (and definitely shorter than Harry and Merlin), he radiated naive charm. When it came down to it, however, Roxy had seen him ruthlessly cutting down his enemies.

"Ah, Merlin, Bors, nice of you to join us. Take a seat, we were just discussing Renaldi's trading."

Bors nodded. "Mornin' Arthur, Galahad, Lancelot, Percival." The monitor caught his eye. "Ah, you're already onto the cabbage?"

"Yes, and for god's sake, can someone explain to me what the seventh most formidable arms dealer on the planet is doing with one of the worst vegetables in the world?" Percival waved his arms wildly.

"It's a cover for his support of a certain country's plan to usurp another country's government," Harry explained. "Which countries are involved in this plot we still don't know, but we're working on it. Isn't that right, Merlin?"

"Yes, Arthur. We've narrowed it down to a few probable choices-Russia and America, China and Taiwan-"

"-no, you're mistaking my point. What in the actual fuck is a gangster doing with vegetables? Has he inserted poison into them to kill the people that consume them? Is he planning to make them living creatures like on the episode of that inferior American cartoon whose name I can't remember? What has he done?"

"Jesus Christ, Percy, are you seriously talking about the Powerpuff Girls right now?"

"Eggsy, what did I say?"

"No Percy. Got it."

"Gentlemen," said Harry sternly. "Stay on task, please. Now, Renaldi may be staying off the grid for the time being, but his sister is still very much out in the open. She's never given us any indication that she knows of or is involved in her brother's crime empire, but it would still be a good idea to keep an eye on her. Bors, you'll be working with Lancelot on this one. You two will investigate Ms. Renaldi's apartment in Rome. Percival, Galahad, I want you two investigating Ms. Renaldi's other residences in New York, Los Angeles, and Paris."

"Har-Arthur, don't you think that splitting us up is a little risky? I mean, we're a team, Lancelot and I, and-"

Oh, Eggsy, you're too sweet.

"It's time you learn to work separately from each other." He turned to Roxy. "Lancelot, any comments or concerns?"

She knew better than to argue, despite the puppy-dog eyes that Eggsy was giving her. "No, sir."