Disclaimer: Do I really need one? Everybody knows I don't own twilight.

Chapter 4

Growing apart

Three weeks later, I was sitting on the bed in my room, with all of my bags packed, all of the memories collected that I was going to bring to Paris. I had spent the entire last night crying, the explanation for why I yawned loudly. I didn't want to move, not now, not ever. It was so unfair, just as everything had turned out just as I wished; it mercilessly had to be ripped away from me.

My room looked nothing like it had ever done before. Almost every single proof of that a girl named Isabella Swan had once lived here, was as gone like the light breeze rustling through the treetops. All possible dust had been wiped away from both of my desk and bedside table, where worn books and short pencils no longer rested, the floor had been vacuum cleaned and the wardrobe was gaping empty. It didn't even smell the same anymore.

The sight of it made me unhappier than I already was. It would be six months before I would be able to come back here, do my home works at the desk, sleep in the bed, gaze out the window… All of that would be gone. But most importantly, Edward wouldn't come with me.

Moving wouldn't involve such a terrible pain, if it weren't because of Edward. Of course I would miss Charlie, Jacob, Angela, and all my other (not very many) friends from school. But Edward was the one person who mattered more than anyone. Without him, life was almost pointless. He was practically the only thing that made me want to get up for school in the morning. I couldn't imagine moving away from him for six months. Six months, with an entire ocean between us. It seemed so surreal, never before had I been away from him for such a long time.

Ever since the day he had found out about the fact that I was moving to Paris, we had slowly glided apart. During the three weeks that had flown by a lot faster than I had wished, he hadn't kissed me for a third time. It wasn't as though I was hoping for much though, I understood that it would be natural for him to make a distance, knowing that it would hurt more than necessary, when we would be separated.

I had tried, to the best of my abilities, to prevent the moving, but just as Charlie had told me, Renée's will was hard as steel, even harder than the braces I had removed three years earlier. She had tried to tell me that she wasn't forcing me to come with her, but I was smart enough to realize that it was a lie. She was forcing me to come with her, it was in her every word, and the way she uttered it. Only a fool would be dumb enough to not see that I was being taken, against my will, to Paris.

Paris… The thought of the city made me feel insecure. I had only been abroad one time in my entire life, when Phil and Renée got married at a beach in Mexico, and I had no idea of how I would adapt to life in France. When I thought of it, I knew absolutely nothing about France, at least nothing that was worth knowing.

There were no more tears to shed over this; there was nothing I could do about it. Whether I liked it or not, I was about to move to an entirely different country. I was going to leave Forks, and everything I thought mattered, behind.

Charlie was number two on my worry-list. I was unsure of how he would handle living on his own, without me doing the laundry, cooking the food and being his company. In a way, I was the more adult one under our roof.

I shrugged, knowing that this was going to be the last time I would see Edward for a painfully long time. The thought was so upsetting; it made me want to shout out loud what I felt. Nothing could be worth being without Edward for six months.

The goodbye was painful between the two of us, but yet awkward and silent at the same time. Both of us were so shy, and I regretted it badly afterwards. It would be the last time I would see him for so long. The thought made me shed a few silent tears in the car to the airport. Charlie didn't notice, and even if he had done so, I supposed that he would see it as a natural reaction. I was leaving Forks for six months; he ought to understand that for me, it was upsetting.

Renée and Phil greeted me with more enthusiasm than I thought was possible at the airport. Afterwards, both of them showed me around in the town, and for a brief moment, I suspected that maybe all this wouldn't be that bad after all.

I truly did try to adapt to my life in Paris. I put my best effort into it, and still, it was as though all I tried with was for nothing. Every night when I would go to bed, I would still think of myself as unhappy.

Was there something wrong with me? Edward was the only thing on my mind, the only thing I was able to focus on.

The first two weeks after my departure, we would call each other every day, and talk for more than an hour. During our phone calls, it was as though the awkward goodbye had never occurred. Edward and I spoke about everything, every tiny little detail of our day. His calls always made me feel a little better. We missed each other so much. Well, at least I missed Edward. I missed the crooked smile that would adorn his face when I said something silly or when I was too sarcastic for my own good, I missed his warm green eyes that always looked at me with the kindest, softest gaze, I missed the feeling when my hand was in his… I missed everything about him, and it tore me apart.

The phone calls would diminish, and it ate me up from inside. I missed him terribly, and it hurt to find out that his promises about coming to visit only were empty words. They meant nothing, and a heartbreaking pain grabbed my chest every time I thought about it.

Slowly but securely, the phone calls would be weekly, and not daily. After a month, they were short, only fifteen minutes, because we had nothing to talk about anymore. Life in France wasn't interesting without him, and that was why I avoided talking about my new home in Paris.

After two months, we started sending e-mails to each other, instead of calling each other, which happened very seldom. At first, I liked the idea. Edward sent me long e-mails, explaining in detail how his day had been, and how much he missed me. Every time my eyes would read the content over and over again, it was as if my stone cold heart slowly was being heated up. Just too bad, that I was unable to write him just as long replies. That was probably the reason for why his messages were shorter every time I received a reply.

I understood that it was hopeless the first time he wrote me five lines, and tears reluctantly found their way down my cheeks. I hated it. I hated living in Paris – I hated my life here. And I hated the fact that I was dependant on Edward, but that was the truth. My life was pointless without him.

We were losing touch, growing away from each other. We were, even though I was too scared to admit it, moving apart. It broke my heart, which resulted in that I cried myself to sleep almost every night while I was away. I longed for the moment I would see him in front of me again, and the fact that it was so far away made me cry even harder.

Edward.

We never spoke about the two kisses, not even in the e-mails. I supposed it was because of the fact that we were both embarrassed. Me, because of that I would never, ever, dare to talk the first step myself. Him, because he had most likely changed his mind about the feelings he had for me. The thought stung every time it crossed my mind, but deep, deep, down, I never stopped hoping that there might be a chance, a little, tiny, tiny, chance, that he still had feelings for me.

Of course I couldn't fool Renée. She was perfectly aware of that something was terribly wrong, but every time she would bring the subject up, I became quiet as a mouse. I would never, ever, forgive her for forcing me to move. Before I had come to Paris, she was the person I could call, and talk about everything. Now, she became more frustrating by the day, trying to understand why I always was sulking.

I knew that the thought behind her actions was nice (even though what you do is what counts), but I simply couldn't bring myself to show any appreciation at all. Every time I would speak to her, it was like a dark voice in the back of my head was telling me that she was the reason for why Edward and I were separated.

Renée knew that I wasn't happy with moving, and she did her best to try to make it up to me. The only thing was, that it didn't work, not at all. I grew tired of her attempts, the presents she gave me, the food she cooked me, the places she took me to… Of course I had loved the Eiffel Tower, not to mention the Louvre and all the bridges, but it was as if I was unable to take it all in. It all repelled, away from me. This city was amazing; it was just that I couldn't enjoy it. Every day, I thought of Forks, the forests, the green… Now, it was so inviting.

I found solace in the only friend I had found in Paris, Alice. Even though I went to an English school, none of the persons there seemed to want to be with me. They took a distance from me, as if I was a venomous plant. Alice didn't. She was Renée's only French friend's daughter, and we had come to great terms directly.

Alice was a small and tiny creature, with short brown spiky hair, warm eyes, and a light voice. For some reason, she understood everything I told her, which made me feel welcomed and cared about in her presence.

Alice was the reason for why I got up in the morning, the reason for why I even made an attempt to act normal. Her angelic laugh and sparkling eyes were the only things that could make me smile. She was the best friend, apart from Edward, that I had ever had.

It was an understatement to say that I didn't enjoy my stay in Paris – because I hated it. I dreaded to wake up in the morning, to try to act normal when I knew that nothing was normal without him.

In a strange way, Alice managed to change it a little bit. After every time I met her, I felt a little bit better; I was one step closer from being completely healed. There were too many steps left, but at least her encouraging words were something, something to keep the joy of living.

I had told Alice every single thing I knew about Edward, and it felt as though she had been through exactly the same. Her words were always so thoroughly chosen, as if she had thought carefully through what to say before each of her replies.

Alice was special, and she was my true friend. Her English was something that could be improved though. And it didn't actually help that I still hadn't learned more than five words in French since I had moved to Paris.

Alice was almost the opposite of me, and that was why it struck me as strange for us to come to such good terms. She loved attention, was good in school, and didn't care about what others thought about her. I admired her for being so emotionally strong; I secretly wanted to be more like Alice.

"But Bella, do not you think zat it is obvious zat Edward 'as feelings for you too?" Alice asked one day as we were sitting on her bed, hovering over a pair of French magazines I couldn't understand a word of, while listening to Arielle Dombasle, Alice's favorite singer. Personally, I found her English a bit too heavy accented for my taste. "I mean, ze way 'e leaned forward to kiss you, if I am not mistaken, I am sure about zat 'e likes you too, very much."

I wanted to believe her words, but deep down, I know it was just wish thinking. "I'm not sure about that Alice, it was just a one-time-happening."

"Mais Bella! Ce n'est pas vrai! 'E obviously finds you attractive, at least."

I blushed deeply. "Of course not," I murmured, embarrassed. The thought of that Edward might see me as attractive made me want to giggle.

"Mon Dieu! Stop zat now, Isabella! You know as much as I do zat Edward likes you, a lot. How do you explain your long phone calls zen? Was not he ze one to phone you every day, was he not? I am sure that he wants more than your friendship, Bella."

"Why are we even discussing this? We both know it's not true. Besides, we don't speak on the phone anymore."

"You are going 'ome in a month, you will see zat 'e loves you when you meet."

My heart skipped a beat as I thought about the fact that I would meet Edward soon. But when I came back to Forks, Alice would still be in France.

"Oh, Alice!" I exclaimed. "I'm gonna miss you so much!"

Alice laughed. "I will miss you too, Bella."

I hugged her tightly to me and inhaled the smell of Alice, the sweet floral scent reminded me a bit of Edward.

"Well, now," Alice said and pulled away. "You need to look beautiful when he sees you again, would you like to borrow some clothes from me?" she offered.

I smiled. "Alice, you're too nice to me."

She smiled back at me. "And 'ow will you 'ave your 'air?"

"I'll look as I always do," I responded.

Alice shook her head. "'Zat is not acceptable, mon amie. You need to look absolutely dazzling. He will regret not following you to Paris when he sees you."

I laughed. "It's not possible for me to look dazzling," I explained. "Look at me and you'll understand."

"Do not be so 'ard on yourself, Bella! I zink zat you look very pretty," she said happily and smiled weakly.

I sighed. Alice was so nice and sweet to me. I didn't deserve a friend like her, not when I was sulking through every day of my life. She was never blaming me for acting like I did; all she did was trying to cheer me up. Alice was such a genuinely nice person, that my confidence sank as I thought about how horrible I must be, compared to me.

"You're too nice to me," I told her. "I really should be a lot happier when I'm with you. Not just grieving and sulking through my life." She tilted her head to the side as she looked at me. "I don't actually have a reason for being like this…" I said, mostly to myself, and lied down on the soft mattress under me, staring up at the ceiling.

"Well, if you want to feel better, this is not 'elping, Bella. But I zink you 'ave a reason, your behavior is acceptable, you've lost the love of your life!"

I raised my eyebrows at her. Sure, Edward was the boy I wanted most in the entire world, but I doubted that he would remain so for the rest of my life. The love of my life? Wasn't it a bit early to say such a thing at eighteen years of age? It was for me anyway…

"I notice it when you speak about 'im, then I know you are meant to be together. How much you go into detail, it is so obvious, Bella," she continued. "Do you see it, yourself? I see it, 'e's in your 'ead all of ze time!"

I laughed nervously, and was just about to answer as I got interrupted. The doorbell rang.

"Alice!" someone shouted from a distance. "Alice, Jasper est ici!"

I could make out the word Jasper out of the statement in French Alice's mom just had called out, and supposed that that was the reason for why Alice's eyes turned softer the minute she'd heard her mother's voice.

"J'arrive!" she yelled back and immediately rose from the bag. "Are you coming?" she wanted to know. "It is Jasper!" she said excitedly, just as always when she was talking about her boyfriend, Jasper.

I sighed, realizing what I had left back in Forks. Alice and Jasper were so happy, and so pretty, together. Of course, I was glad that they had found each other, it was difficult to not see how splendid they made each other feel, but it stung badly in my heart every time I saw them together. How they were laughing together, and smiling at each other… In a strange kind of way, it remembered me of Edward, and the thought of him sent chills of pleasure down my spine. I still liked him, a lot.

"I'm up," I said, pushing myself up on my elbows before leaving the soft place on the bed.

Alice was already out of her room, and I followed her out of her polished room. Everything in it had its perfect place, and forgotten socks and books on the floor was nonexistent, it wasn't like my room.

Alice lived together with her mom and dad in a rather large apartment. It was bigger than the one I shared with Renée and Phil, and lay very nearby ours.

Jasper was standing in the white, clean, hallway, with an expression that revealed that he was on Cloud 9. With Alice, he always was. She was the cheese to his macaronis, she was the stickers in his album and she was the laces in his shoes.

Jasper was quite tall, with penetrating, deep, blue eyes and a curtain of honey blond locks of hair was covering a bit of his face. I didn't know him very well, but always thought of him as a nice guy, since he often shared his French candy with me. I had, literally, fallen in love with "Carambar", French candy, and was a bit worried of how things would work out in Forks without them.

Even though Jasper epitomized Alice's picture of a perfect boy she never, not even once, ditched me for hanging out with him. Of course, he came over from time to time, like now, when Alice and I were spending time together, but Alice always put me first. I appreciated it very much, more than I showed it.

I blushed as both of them shared a light kiss on the lips, and mumbled "hi" to Jasper.

"Hi, Bella," he answered.

Jasper's French was a lot better than Alice's, to which I was grateful. I had learned that French people's English pronunciation could be improved, a lot. Fortunately, that didn't involve Jasper.

Alice continued on trying to tell me that my feelings for Edward were responded, but deep down, I think that she knew too, it was wrong. How much I hoped that Edward fantasized about me too, there was nothing I could do to make it through. It would remain as wish thinking.

The fewer the days became to the day when I would move back to Forks, the more insecure I felt. How would it be to meet him again, after all this time? He had never visited me, everything could have happened. He could have gotten a tattoo, an ugly haircut and an entirely new style… What if he had lost interest in me? I shrugged at the thought.

There should have been more things I could have been worried about, but Edward was the only thing on my mind. He was like the center of my universe; all of my thoughts were circling around him. Without him, my head would be… empty. Empty as a vase. Nothingness.

Almost all the time, I was occupied in my head, wondering about Edward. Since we only kept in touch a few times every week, there was not much left to do than to desperately brood over him. What he was doing now, what he was thinking, wishing…

And then, I found myself sitting on my bed with all of my bags packed; just as I had did six months before. Only now, I was sitting in an entirely different room, a different city, a different country. Still, the waves of flashback that rolled over me were brutal. The thought of that I would see Edward in a few hours was almost so surreal I couldn't believe it. I had spent the previous night moving back and forth in my bed, shifting position and trying to sleep, when I knew it was impossible. I had analyzed every memory of him that I had, and were turning them back and forth, to get an at least small understanding of how our reunion would be like. Still, after having thought about it for an entire night, I had no clue of how it would be.

To say goodbye to Alice was almost as terrible as telling Edward goodbye. She promised to come visit me, and I hoped that she was intending on doing it. I would miss her so much, she had become my one, true, friend during my stay in Paris.

Renée and Phil decided to stay in Paris for another six months. They seemed to enjoy the city, and had almost managed to convince me to stay a little longer. Though on that point I had been surprisingly stubborn, I was going to move home as quickly as possible. Because Forks was home, the only place I'd ever call home.

I was feeling ill of all the anticipation on the plane that I almost wanted to vomit. Never before had I felt like this. It was as if my feelings for Edward had grown while I'd been away. All the time, I would nervously chew my lip, finger with the bracelet he'd given me, cross my legs, and shift my gaze to the people sitting next to me, over and over again. Even I understood that sitting next to me during that flight, had to be a real pain in the ass.

In Chicag, I switched to a plane to Port Angeles. And then, as the plane got ready for landing at Port Angeles's miniscule airport, I was suddenly horrorstricken of the fact that this was it. This was the moment I had eagerly been awaiting for for so long – the reunion with Edward.

My seat was next to the plane window, and glanced out to spot the familiar airport. Maybe he was there, with Charlie. Maybe there was just a distance about a hundred feet between us. A tingling feeling escaped from the pit of my stomach at the thought. Edward.

A/N: What did you think? And did you understand Alice's Frenglish? Sorry if there's some grammar mistake in the French. Haha!

I listened a lot to "Satellite Heart" from the New Moon soundtrack while writing this chapter. I love it! The lyrics are perfect. The song is hilarious! =) The entire New Moon soundtrack is hilarious.

I got 8 when I published the last chapter; can't I have just as many for this too? Please review! It means so much!