Olivia felt like crap. She had let Alex bully her into going home to sleep, but three hours of sleep was worse than none. Then she saw Jen at her computer and was suddenly wide awake.

"What are you doing?"

Jen gave her a look, which was completely derisive. Olivia prickled and was irritated with herself for her inability to remain calm around this girl. She was supposed to be good with victims, but nothing about this girl read as a victim. She was even more arrogant and cocky than Elliot's kids.

"I'm checking my email."

Olivia stared blankly at her. "Your email?" Was she on child porn lists? Did she contact her patrons that way?

"Yeah. My inbox is jammed with these irritating people on one of my mailing list having an argument about Harry Potter. Oh, and there's an SAT practice test being offered at my school on Saturday."

Olivia went behind her and looked over her shoulder. There was one subject that mentioned penis enlargement, but that was just spam. Most of the rest were Re: Re: Re: Remus and Tonks- No Way!

"Are you a junior?"

"Sophomore." Jen frowned. "I missed a year changing homes."

It was strange that it was harder to see someone as a normal kid who just happened to be a prostitute than it was to see a victim and nothing else. For all her vaunted empathy, Olivia felt that she had forgotten what real people were like.

"When did you change homes?"

Jen looked up at her, frowning. "Is this my interview? Shouldn't you have a tape deck or something?"

Olivia was put on the defensive. "Can't I just ask?"

"Sorry, but everything you say sounds like 'cop,' or maybe 'dad.' Not that I know how that sounds."

"Did you ever know your father?"

"Didn't you read my file?" Jen turned back to the computer and started deleting emails. "You should know that one."

Olivia frowned. She had read so many kids' files that evening that they started to blur together. She really wasn't doing too well at the connect with victims thing today. She grabbed Jen's file and flipped it open. Then she remembered. "Oh, yeah."

"Left at fire station as a newborn?"

Olivia frowned. "How do you know it?"

"Sometimes social workers forget that not all foster kids are brain dead. Some of us can read."

"You've been with three families."

"Families could be pushing it."

"When was your first sexual encounter?"

"I was five. My dad liked me to play with his dick."

Olivia dropped her pencil and Jen burst out laughing.

"God, you're easy!"

Olivia had never wanted to smack a victim before as much as she wanted to smack Jen right now. "So it's not true?"

Jen shrugged. "I dunno. Freud says we repress memories like that, but my social worker said that we can also make them up."

"How do you know about Freud?"

Jen gave her another look. "Do we recall the 'reading' comment?"

"Why'd you leave your first foster family?"

"My foster dad went to jail for killing his wife."

Olivia kept a firm hold on her pen this time. "Is that true?"

"It's in the file, isn't it?"

Olivia paged through the stack that was thicker than most teenager's files she had seen. She found the deposition. "Oh."

Jen smiled at the computer screen. It wasn't a nice smile. "That was the first time I was looked after by the cops. They locked me in an interview room for six hours and forgot that little kids need to go to the bathroom." Olivia felt sick. "It was the second time that one of them had his way with me in the crib." She looked back at Olivia. "That's the first sexual experience that I can remember."

"How old were you?"

"Thirteen, and ninety-three pounds. That cop must have liked skeletons."

"Do you remember his name?"

Jen snorted. "No. And I mean that. It's not just because he said he'd fuck me up if I told anyone."

"Why were you with the police then?"

"My second foster family had just been busted for running a knock-off beanie-baby factory." She grinned at Olivia. "I can still knock out a bear in an hour flat."

"And that was when you moved to your current family."

"Yeah. Three years ago." Her shoulders dropped slightly and she looked away, towards the door. Casey was standing there looking tortured. Olivia wondered how long she'd been listening. "I've been tricking for three years, if that's something you wanted to know."

"Thank you."

Olivia took Jen into an interview room and took down her statement perfunctorily. She just said she didn't know why Casey had interfered, but when she brained that guy she saw her dad reaching for the piece he carried, though rarely drew, and couldn't let him hurt someone that spunky, even if she was a blithering idiot.

Olivia had laughed at that, and Jen smiled at her for the first time. "I really like staying with Casey," she said.

"Yeah?"

Jen frowned. "You're not going to make a comment about my outfit?"

Olivia looked blank. She thought the girl looked fine, clean and healthy for an abused child prostitute. "What's wrong with your outfit?"

Alex took over afterwards, and Olivia left the interview room. Casey was leaning against the wall outside the door to the viewing area.

"She said she liked staying with me?"

"Yes."

Casey sighed.

"What was she like last night? Did she open up at all?"

There was a brief moment of panic on Casey's face. Then she just cringed and shrugged. "I don't think she likes to let people in. And she had to comfort me more than the reverse anyways."

"I just can't think of putting her back into the system. She seems so normal and surprisingly smart and competent after having three families do their utmost to screw her up. It's like a miracle. I can't ask her to survive another situation like that."

"I was considering emancipation…"

Olivia looked at her sharply. "And then what? Prostitution? She has no support network. She was abandoned at a fire station as an infant, and there were no hits on her DNA, which is actually worse than knowing that one of her parents is locked up on a drug charge. It makes me think it was some terrified upper-middle class college student who got knocked up and couldn't cope with…"

"With their beautiful baby girl," finished Casey softly.

"She is beautiful." Olivia was starting to figure out why Casey was so invested in this girl, but it was still a bit mystifying. "But she has no more chances than anyone. And she just exudes sexual availability. It's awful."

"Mmh." Casey nodded.

"I'm glad you're taking care of her. It would be hard to send her to a home."

She walked away, not noticing the awkward expression on Casey's face.

***

Olivia was okay, but Alex was a totally ice cold bitch. Jen could see it in the way that she looked at her like she was absolutely worthless. Even when she was answering a direct question she didn't even appear to be interested.

"I want you to tell me what happened from your point of view, starting as far back as seems relevant."

"I was born."

"And then?"

If that was a joke, Alex was really dry. It was almost funny too.

"And then my life turned to shit."

"I did read your file."

This time Jen laughed involuntarily. "Ok, last night dad called me and told me to get dressed and we took the subway to Manhattan. The sleazeball was whining that we were late and he wouldn't get to pick the hottest girl to fuck. That was boring, so I was looking around and I saw this chick coming down the street. I was wondering what she was doing in this part of town when dad slapped me because I was zoning out. Then that idiot interfered-"

"Don't call her that."

Jen looked at Alex, unsure if her bland crisp tone had any feeling behind it. "Sleazeball called her 'the nosy bitch,' is that better?"

"Casey risked her life to get you out of that situation. Maybe you think she should have minded her own business and left you there, but she didn't. And whether or not it was a good idea you deserve her respect for changing your life."

Jen nearly jumped at the vehemence in her voice, but at the end she scowled. Casey just wanted to put her in another home anyways. "It's not like it's going to get better."

"You had better make sure that it does."

Jen blinked. How was this up to her?

"Do you know how lucky you are?" Alex pushed a sheet of paper across the table. "By some miracle you're clean and healthy, not dying of an addiction or an untreatable disease. Do you know what the stats are for teenage prostitutes?"

Jen was silent.

"And I am not going to let you treat that like it's nothing, treat Casey like she's nothing when she gave you another chance. I'm not going to let you throw all your good fortune away."

"'Good fortune?' Are you kidding me?"

"I was a sex crimes lawyer for six years. Every day I saw people who had been raped, abused, murdered. People who didn't know their own names and weren't in control of their own bodies. You're alive, and healthy, and here you're safe. Don't depreciate that."

Jen felt her eyes prickle and grit her teeth, not letting herself cry. She couldn't lose control. She hadn't cried in so long, but she was so angry. "Don't you understand! I want to be safe! I want to stay safe. To have a real life, and stop waiting. Finally, stop waiting! But you're just going to throw me away again, and I'm trying so hard to be someone worthy of her, worthy of keeping, and all you do is look at me and see a whore!"

Alex looked stunned. "Worthy?"

"My dad was reaching for his gun. He was going to kill her, and I thought about letting him. I could have let him, just like I was going to let Sleazeball rape her. I would have watched. She is an idiot. She's an idiot for thinking someone like me was worth saving at all."

"You didn't let him."

"I couldn't have held him for long."

"Do you think he would have killed you as well?"

Jen shrugged. "It didn't really matter to me."

"When you're in court I'll ask you why you jumped on him. Say just what you said, but stop before you talk about the rape."

Jen bit her lip. "This morning… Casey said she wouldn't let me wear this to court. What's wrong with it?"

"You look too confident. Either they won't believe you were a prostitute, or they won't be able to sympathize with someone who is so clearly more attractive than them."

"What?"

"Knee length skirts and avoid sexy boots for court. Casey wears them sometimes, but Casey has never been able to put together an outfit, so they pity her. She makes it work."

"Casey's very attractive."

"I know," said Alex. She gave Jen a hint of a smile. "That doesn't refute what I said before."

***

Olivia was at her desk when Alex came in from the interview room. Jen and Casey had left an hour before, their body language still tentative, and their mouths silent. Alex looked down at the woman who used to be her friend, which, at this time, was more meaningful than that they had ever been lovers, and thought that there was no one else she could talk to about this, no one else in the world.

"I had a strange moment in my interview with Jen today."

Olivia looked up with an easy smile. "You too? She's a real brat. She had a really good time sending me up until I didn't even believe her when the same thing was written in her file."

Alex laughed breathily. "I can see that. But…" She sighed and thought for a moment. "She was being a brat to me too. And I got angry with her. I told her off for being rude about Casey, and for not being properly grateful."

Olivia snorted. "I would have loved to see that. I've seen Stabler do it often enough, but you being parental- now that's a rare bird."

"Parental?" Alex bit the end of her glasses, then realized what she was doing, and quickly folded them and put them away. "I didn't think of it as parental. I made her cry."

Olivia's jaw dropped.

"Not all the way, but she definitely teared up and yelled back at me. She really responded to what I had said. It made me feel so powerful and so afraid at the same time."

"Afraid? Why?"

"Because… Because of the power. I had the power to make her listen, to make her believe that what I told her was right."

"Don't you do that every day in court?"

"No. I convince them to listen to me; I make them trust me; I lead them with logic. But with Jen I just told her 'this is wrong, and this is right,' and she said, well, not aloud, 'yes, you're right. This is why I said it. This is what I'm afraid of.' Maybe it was parental. That's why it felt so strange. I felt that I could tell her something that could change her life."

Olivia snorted and Alex turned on her furiously. Olivia waved her hands in defense. "No! No! Not you. My own thought. I just thought that it was obvious Jen's never had any real parental figures, because if she had she would have never let you know that you got to her. That's what Elliot would say."

Alex let herself laugh. "You're probably right. It was a strange feeling though."

"I can imagine."

"She's so scared of being sent back into the system."

"She has a right to be. What looks like her best foster father murdered his wife and possibly molested her as a child. If she gets another round of bad luck she could end up dead. It would be such a waste."

Suddenly Olivia seemed to sink and Alex looked at her questioningly. "What's wrong?"

"It's nothing. I just remembered…"

"Tell me."

"Did you hear about Maria? Casey was already here, but…"

"Maria? The girl kidnapped for child pornography that you saved from being buried alive?"

"How did you…"

"Your exploits are often grist for the rumor mill in Hogan place."

"Well, I bet the rumor mill didn't get that I was considering adopting her."

Alex frowned. "Would they let you? Single, overworked in a dangerous profession-"

"I don't know. It never got that far. I talked myself out of it. But I got an email this week…" She paused. "Yesterday. God, I can't believe it was just yesterday, that she died of an infection picked up in a group home."

"Oh god." Alex suddenly felt pale and cold. Olivia's resigned smile almost made her cry.

"It just made me wonder whether I'm really doing enough."

"You save children every day."

"And then I send them into a craps game. I know I can't protect them all from the things the could happen, but it seems that if I took just one, doing my best to make sure that just one kid could make it out of childhood alive and with the skills to cope with some of the normal problems that life throws at you. It couldn't replace what I do, but maybe it would make it more worth while."

"What about Jen?"

"Huh?" Olivia looked blank.

"Would you consider taking her? She's old enough that you wouldn't even have to adopt her, just give her a home until she can take care of herself."

"I couldn't. She- I… I wouldn't be there enough. You know how I work. And she- she seems mature, but she's really not. She needs real parents."

"Well it can't be Casey then."

"God no!" Olivia laughed. "I really can't see how they're managing to look after each other now. I don't even think Casey sees her as younger. And Jen buddied up with her as if they were peers. She would tell Casey anything, but I was the big bad authority who needed to be mocked and undermined."

"I hope Casey isn't getting in over her head, trying to look after that girl."

***

Casey was completely and unutterably in over her head. They picked up Thai food on the way. While waiting Jen asked her, "Don't you cook?"

That hit her at one of her soft points. She did cook, but she seriously wouldn't force her cooking on anyone else. Getting take-out was a favor, but obviously one not appreciated. "No," she replied sourly.

Jen scowled and turned away, playing Beethoven's fifth on the soda fountain until someone came to yell at them. Casey rolled her eyes and they were silent while the food came.

She watched Jen's form, how the heeled boots made her stand with an easy power, how all the men in the room looked at her, how it was clear that they all wanted her. It was just as clear that she didn't care.

It was too easy to fight with her, and every time they fought Casey felt more and more useless and inferior. It wasn't a new feeling. Casey thought back to her interview with Alex. Alex knew more about her now than any of her colleagues, and she had been horrified. But Casey hadn't tried to explain why she did those things. She had made excuses. She was pressured into it; it was an obligation. She wondered what Alex would have said if she had explained that she went to sex parties, sucked men's cocks, and let them fuck her because she felt like a phoney in front of the victims that she saw every day. She had never been raped, molested, or prostituted. She didn't know what it felt like, and when she stood there, trying to convince a wounded girl that it was worth prosecuting her asshole boyfriend who didn't understand the word no, she felt like a liar. At what cost, justice?

When it had finally happened, part of her didn't want to resist. She was ashamed of that, and it was that shame, triggered by Jen's look of disappointment and disdain that made her fight back. Jen would never understand how she felt. But she wondered if Alex would.

When they got home Jen kicked her boots off in the front room, and Casey nearly dropped her bag at the sight of the long expanse of leg. "God, put some clothes on, why don't you."

Jen was still holding her second boot and suddenly she threw it to the ground with a loud thump. "I hate you," she said, her voice like iron and ice. Casey stepped back, instantly regretting what she had said. "You treat me like a whore and then complain when I act like one. You're the whore. You go to those slut parties and don't even get paid! You look at me like you want me and then turn away in disgust."

Casey's shoulders dropped. It was all true, but now, called on it, she didn't know what she could say.

"I thought you were different." She saw Jen gulp, then turn and kick the edge of the couch with her bare feet. "You were supposed to be the one who saw me as a person. I've never had sex with anyone because I wanted to. But I thought you were different. That's why I let you touch me. And it was different. It wasn't like anything…"

Jen looked like she was about to cry. Casey was stunned. What was different? She was just as vile, just as much of a user as every man who had hurt her. "Do you really believe that? I can never tell if you're telling the truth."

Jen looked down. "I always tell the truth, even if it doesn't sound like it."

Casey sank to the couch. She didn't think she could handle this. "I don't understand. Why am I different? I am attracted to you. But I promise I won't touch you again. I'm so sorry."

"Don't apologize. I made you touch me, and it was still… it was the only time I ever felt… worth something." Jen shook her head. "Isn't that stupid? It was the only time I wasn't getting paid and the first time I didn't feel worthless."

Casey wanted to hold her so badly. The tears cusping on the edge of her eyes made her need to give her comfort. She didn't resist. Wrapping her arms around the girl's shoulders she pulled her into her chest.

Jen looked up.

Casey leaned in.

Jen was a terrible kisser, too forceful, too fast. Casey cupped her jaw, holding it firmly, closing it. She kissed her, long and slow. It was almost chaste and somehow lazy, just being there, knowing that this was happening. She nipped at Jen's lower lip and felt the girl grow limp in her arms. Then suddenly, she was gone.

Casey opened her eyes.

Jen was on her knees in front of her. Her eyes were wet. She ducked her head, cowering in embarrassment.

Casey smiled. It felt odd, but it was nice to see hard evidence that Jen really was younger than her, less experienced and talented than her at something. And she really given Jen something, this was hers, Jen's first real kiss.

Casey pulled Jen back onto the couch and into her arms. Jen wouldn't look at her, still embarrassed. She rubbed her head. "You're really special, you know that?"

Jen looked up at her, her eyes still soft, tear tracks tracing the contour of her nose. "No I'm not. I'm nobody."

***

It was easier after that. Jen felt shamed and humiliated that she had let herself cry, that she had crumpled out of the kiss because it was too much. But the hope had hit her like a blow to the stomach and she couldn't deal with it anymore. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Casey was supposed to want her, and she would give it to her, and then she wouldn't owe Casey so much. And then maybe Casey wouldn't stop helping her, wouldn't give up on someone worthless like her.

Alex had brought it home to her how much she owed Casey. If her only currency was her body she would use that, unhesitatingly.

But then Casey had kissed her, had turned it into something she couldn't identify. She had meant it as an invitation to sex. She had tried to give that impression. But Casey hadn't wanted that, and she had done something that made Jen forget all her plans and tactics. Jen had forgotten how to breathe, how to stand, and how not to cry.

It was frustrating. It was even more frustrating that when Casey fell asleep on the sofa while they were watching TV, Jen didn't want to move. She made herself move anyway and got up, disinterestedly pulling a duvet over her and going to bed. She lay awake for a long time, her fingers brushing over her lips, wishing the kiss was a thought she could masturbate to, because she really needed release, but knowing it was the wrong pleasure. The release she needed was from all this hope that was stirring up inside of her. Hope was setting yourself up to be hurt. Pessimism was much easier to live with.

***