"I used to think I was in control of everything. Now, I think life happens and it's our job to just to try to keep up, try to ride it out, try to survive." - Addison Montgomery
Chapter 4: Journey Into the Unknown…
He didn't speak to me for the entire ride back to New York… The last thing he told me was to shut up and that was when we were leaving the parking lot back in Santa Monica. He said nothing to me on the drive to the airport… nothing while waited for our flight… nothing while we rode six hours on the plane… nothing but the calming sound of the rain on our drive back to our house. Pulling up in the driveway, I feared going inside. I didn't want to go back into the place where this all started. I can already see it coming back to me. I close my eyes trying to control my breathing.
Derek's beyond furious at me for trying to leave… Who knows what he is going to do to me? I watch him get out of the car and walk into the house. I decide not to follow immediately and instead use this time to check my phone. I open it to find several missed calls and texts from Naomi, Savannah and Meredith. I send them all the same text, 'Hey, I just want to tell you that I'm okay and back in New York. I'm going to be back in L.A. soon. Until then, I'll try my best to keep myself safe. Thanks for everything you've done these past few days and I'm so sorry that I put your life in danger. Please forgive me. But yeah, I'll talk to you soon.'
Honestly, I'm terrified… But of course I'm not going to let anyone know that. Maybe that's what angers him so much but I thought he understood that when we got married. He usually read me very well. I thought we were compatible. What changed and caused this? Was it really how successful we got in our careers? Was it really something that material? I text my assistant and ask her to contact my lawyer. I want to get that divorce started now. I won't be in this marriage any longer than I have to.
I put my phone in my purse and make my way out of the car. We didn't stop for my things so I don't have anything to bring in. I open the door and it's quiet. I'm not going to go looking for trouble so I make my way to the kitchen. I grab a glass and more a little juice in it before going over to the liquor cabinet. I fill the rest of the glass with vodka then I down what's in my cup. I fill my glass up with liquor again that I sip on. I take the bottle with me over to the living room where I find a place on the couch and find something to watch on TV. I stumble upon the shopping channel which is great because it's set up to Derek's card. If I like it even a little bit, I'm going to buy it. This goes on for about an hour and two glasses of vodka later until Derek finally comes downstairs only in his underwear. I hear him walking around the kitchen for a second before he walks up to the couch that I'm currently residing on.
"You're not coming to bed?" he asks tiredly.
He wants to know if I'm going upstairs with him where I'll probably get my ass beaten or something worse… What do I say? No? Get my ass beaten right here on the spot? Or yes? And get my ass beaten later? Hmmm… I have to think about that one.
I don't say anything. I just grab my glass and the bottle putting both away then I make my way upstairs to the bedroom. I change into one of my pajama dresses then I tuck myself into bed. Derek gets in behind me and cuddles up on me. It makes me sick… Literally I want to puke. I just don't understand how he can just act like nothing happened… It literally doesn't make sense to me.
He starts to move his hand up and down my body. I can feel him getting hard against my thigh as he continues to rub his hands down my legs. I want to tell him to stop but I don't want to be hit again… so I just let it happen… I hate myself for not even trying to fight. He rolls over on top of me and whips his penis out of his shorts. I close my eyes and I look away as he shoves himself inside me. It hurts so much. I want to cry out in pain but I know it will do more harm than good. I say nothing; I do nothing. I just lay there emotionless.
"You know you enjoy this, Addison," he smirks as he grabs me by my face and forces me to look at him. "I know this is exactly want you want."
I don't respond and I guess it made him angrier. He grabbed me by my neck and after a few seconds, I'm at a lost for breath. I wish he would just end it now. I wish he would just stop torturing me and kill me now.
After another half hour, it seems as though Derek has had enough of me. He gets up and starts pacing around the room. "You worthless piece of shit! You're not even good for sex! If I wanted to have a sex with an emotionless plank, I would've fucked robot! You know what get out!"
Derek grabs a coat and throws it me along with some shoes. He picks me up off the bed and starts walking out the room then down the stairs. Once I realize that he is actually throwing me out, I freak, "Derek, stop! Please!"
"Oh, now you have some freaking emotions? Well it's too late now, Addison," he says while swinging the door open then literally dropping me on my ass onto the front porch.
He throws the coat and my shoes down on top of me then closes the door. I hear it lock... A second later lightning strikes and I realize I'm soaking wet. I feel like I should be in pain but I'm not; I'm numb. I bet he is expecting me to beg at the door until he opens it but that's not what I'm going to do. I put on my coat and shoes then I walk out of the yard going nowhere in sight.
I'm not exactly sure where I'm going. I don't have anything on me; no money, no ID, no keys, no phone… I'm walking in the middle of the night during a thunderstorm with no direction in mind. How did I end up like this? I can't do this. I can't keep going on like this. I want to take my life back but sometimes it feels like I can't. I don't know... I have so much on my mind right now that I can't even think straight. This is literally killing me…
Wouldn't it be nice though?
After about an hour of walking, I end up in front of some condos. I know who lives here. I walk inside and I don't even have to wait for the elevator. It's already open and waiting for me. I press the button for level four and when the elevator opens up on my floor, I walk all the way down to the end of the hall stopping in front of Room 423.
I knock on the door a few times until I hear familiar footsteps coming towards the door. It opens revealing my husband's best friend. He looks at me concerned, "Red? What's going on? Why are you soaking wet?"
In this moment I decide I'm going to lie. I don't feel like getting into all that. I just want to get warm so I quickly come up with something, "I got locked out of my house… I didn't realize the door was locked when I stepped outside to take out the trash. You're the closest person I could think of."
He lets me inside and locks the door behind us. I'm freezing cold and soaking wet so I ask to use his shower. After a nice long hot soak in the hot water, he gives me some pajama pants and a tank top of his until my clothes dry. I ask for a drink and he pours two glasses then passes one over to me. We both sip on our glasses quietly as we listen to the thunderstorm outside. I'm probably going to get a cold from walking in that storm. Luckily, I have some place warm to be.
This is funny... I mean, Mark is supposed to be Derek's best friend yet he is more like mine. He's always there. Without fail, he is forever at our house whenever Derek doesn't show for important dates like anniversaries, birthdays or holidays… He's like my replacement husband that my actual husband hired to send home for me. I'm sure Mark feels guilty for always having to make up excuses for him.
"Thanks," I say as I finish my glass. Mark pours up another for me and I smile.
"Red, what's going on? Where's Derek?"
"I don't know," I shrug then I look at him and with a smirk I speak up again, "I don't want to talk about him."
I don't know what I'm doing but I want to feel something. I have to. I'm getting tired of feeling numb. I'm slowly losing myself and I have to do something… I have to find myself.
"How long?" I ask him simply. He looks at me questionably so I ask again, "How long have you been in love with me?"
He's about to say something quick in response which is more than likely a lie so I cut him off, "I'm a woman, Mark, I can see it. You don't have to come up with a lie."
He blushes then puts down his glass as he searches for what to say. He finally asks, "How long have you known?"
"That's not the question at hand," I smirk.
"Fine, I've been in love with you since the day Derek introduced you to me. I hated myself for letting him get to you first," he says then he smirks.
I just stare at him. I don't know what comes over me but next thing I know is I'm all over him. I can feel the heat start to rush throughout my body as we kiss. I needed this. I start ripping off his shirt and he takes off his pants. He lifts me up and I can feel him in between my legs even with his underwear on as he carries me over to the bed. He takes off my shirt and lays me down gently as he kisses me down my neck. He continues between my breasts all the way down my stomach. I let out this god awful moan as he kisses across my waist line.
"God, Red, you don't know how long I've waited for this moment," he whispers in between kissing my ear. "You're even more beautiful than I imagined."
"Mark," I manage to moan out, "make love to me."
"Say no more," he says as he kisses me down my ear all the way to my breasts and takes his time on my nipples. After he finished sucking them, he kissed down my body pulling off my pants with his teeth. He kisses up my legs and around my hips before his mouth finds my clit.
"Oh God," I moan long and loud. He carefully adds his fingers and after I'm good and wet he decides to put himself inside me. His strokes get deeper and deeper. They start off soft and gentle before they get faster and more rough. He has my body rushing and after awhile I can feel a rise coming.
I swear I had like four orgasms before we finished. We laid there in each other's arms for the rest of the night. He fell asleep quickly yet I still can't seem to get any. No rest for the wicked, I suppose. I don't think I've slept since that night… and sadly, even after all of that, I don't feel any different. I still feel numb… It only worked for the time being…
I lay here awake until the sun rises and the storm subsides. It's still wet outside but that doesn't stop Manhattan from moving. His alarm goes off and he groggily wakes from his slumber. He turns off his alarm then turns around to me. He gently wakes me not knowing I'm awake, "Good morning, Red."
"Good morning," I say while turning around to him smiling. He kisses me and I let him. I guess it feels nice not having to be forced. I'll learn to enjoy it.
We both get up and take a shower together. We're both washing ourselves but I can feel his eyes on me. I look at him curiously and he just shrugs.
"I don't know… You just seem different," he says after a while then continues to wash himself.
"I guess I'm just seeing things in a new light," I say shrugging. I didn't know what to say but I didn't lie. I am seeing things differently but I don't know if it's really a good thing. All I see is my world crashing down at the moment and I can't seem to come up with any solution.
When our shower is over, I get dressed back in my pajamas and my coat. I ask Mark to take me home because there's really nothing I can do without my things. The ride home is quiet other than the radio. When we pull up outside the house I see that Derek's car is gone. I relax a little but I didn't even know that I was tense. That explains why Mark was looking at me weirdly the entire ride…
"Addie, you sure you're okay?" he asks again.
"Yeah, Mark, I'm fine. Thanks for all of this. I'm going to call Derek on the neighbor's phone. Have him bring me the key," I say as I hug him and step out of the car.
He calls out after me, "Look, Red, you can still talk me like we used to before you know."
I guess he is referring to us having sex. I didn't think it changed anything but maybe it's just me who changed. I used to talk to Mark all the time but mostly because I was drunk and upset that Derek missed yet another Valentine's Day or anniversary. Mark was there though. He was always there. I don't know why I didn't get with him before. I guess I was still stuck in this fantasy world I was living in where Derek was still my knight and shining whatever. Mark was just Derek's silly man-whore best friend. Honestly, I loved his personality. I just would never admit it to myself. The Captain and Bizzy wouldn't approve of the relationship and when I was younger I always tried to live up to my parent's expectations. I wonder what life would've been like if I was with Mark for eleven years instead of Derek.
I ponder this as he drives away. I see a note on the front porch so I walk up to see what it says. It reads: I want to talk to you tonight over dinner when I get off work. Have it ready. The keys are under the mat. P.S. I told your friends and whatever your little whore's name is not to call your phone anymore... Doesn't matter either way though... You may want to buy a new one.
Meredith… My fresh start. I almost forgot. That's still my goal but I saved her number in my phone. I left the piece of paper in California along with my clothes. I think I have Savannah's, Naomi's and my assistant, Marie's numbers in phone book in my office at work. Those are the main people I need to contact today. I get the key from under the mat and go into the house.
When I get inside I see my phone broken on the counter. Derek is an ass. I hate him. I don't see my purse or my keys but I see an envelope with cash in it. It looks like just enough to get to and from work and food for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I don't think I've eaten since that day either but it hasn't seemed to affect me. I take the time I have for work to get my hair and makeup done then get dressed for work.
I look at myself in the mirror and I still don't see the person I used to be. I'm slowly starting to recognize this dark soul staring back at me.. Maybe I'm getting used to it. Whatever… I call a cab and it's here within a few minutes. I stop by a local pharmacy first and fill that prescription I wrote for OxyContin and the one for Xanax too.
After that I make my way to the hospital and I head straight for my office. I didn't see Derek on the walk here and I lock my door behind me letting out a breath I didn't realize I was holding. I'm not supposed to be here for another two hours so no one will come looking for me for a while. I use this time to take a few Oxys. I'll save the Xans for later. I only got those to help me sleep. I can still function on Oxy but luckily, there isn't really anything for me to do today anyway.
An hour passes and I'm literally just staring at my door. I cringe whenever someone stops at it but as the meds kicks in, I learn to relax a little. I search through my desk and I find my phone book. I decide to first contact my assistant. I let her know to forward all of my calls to my work phone and contact me as soon she hears back from my lawyer. She'll probably want to have a meeting with me personally. I choose to call Savannah next. She and Naomi are probably worried out of their minds. The phone doesn't fully ring even once before she picks up.
"Hello," she answers hastily.
"Hey Sav, it's me-," that's all I get to say before she cuts me off.
"Addie, oh my god!" she sighs in relief. "I'm so glad to hear your voice. When I got that call from Derek, I was almost afraid I'd never hear from you again."
"He smashed my phone… I'm calling you from my desk. He also took my purse and my car keys. He's starting to give me cash everyday to get through the day. This is insane," I say to her as I carelessly flip through my phone book. I start going through my desk and I stumble upon a scalpel. I was just looking for a pencil but I grab both then lay them out on my desk in front of me.
"Honestly Addie, I think you should go to the police. I know you're worried about ruining his reputation and all but I'm concerned about your safety," she says firmly. "We tried calling them after he took you but they said it's not their jurisdiction… I swear I hate the system."
"I don't know, Sav. It's just that… I don't know... He's Derek and we were fine... then all of a sudden…" I say picking up the pencil and doodling in my phone book.
"Honey, he's not the same man you married years ago…" she stresses.
"I know I sound crazy but I don't want to go to the police. I've already contacted my lawyer… Isn't a divorce enough?" I say while staring at the scalpel on my desk.
"In these times and days, sometimes it isn't. I just don't want to end up seeing you in a body bag…" she says quietly.
I ponder this thought. It's funny because I was starting to think I was better off in a body bag…
"Addie, you still there?" Savannah questions bringing me back to the present.
"Yeah, sorry. I'll call the police soon. Just not now… He wants to talk later tonight over dinner… It's not like I really have an option anyway but he hasn't hit me or anything really," I pause to contemplate what I'm saying. "He, um, he did lock me out of the house last night during a thunderstorm but I'm okay."
"Addie! That's not okay!" she yells and it scares me a little. I guess the drugs doesn't really help with that. "Look, I'm coming back to New York tomorrow. I'll see you then, okay?"
"Okay," I say quietly and there's silence for a moment.
"I don't really want to hang up. It's just that a part of me is afraid this will be the last time I talk to you. This is scary, Addie. I love you. I can't lose you," she sounds terrified but I know her words are sincere.
It's crazy because she's more afraid for my life than I am. It's probably because I'm starting not to care. I don't know what's wrong with me. I want to get my life back. I do. Maybe I'm just tired… I want to tell Savannah that I'll be okay but I can't make any promises.
"I love you too, Sav," I say simply, "I'll try my best to stay safe… Tell Naomi I love her too."
"I will, okay?" she says softly.
"And Sav?" I say nervously, "I'm sooo sorry for getting you two involved in this."
"Don't worry about us, Addie. We will be okay. Just focus on staying safe and I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" she questions again. God, she's making me nervous just talking to her.
"Tomorrow," I confirm before we finally hang up the phone. Now it's just me and this scalpel here… I've tried drinking, sex and even drugs yet nothing has helped so far in the feelings department. Although I have to say at least I can think again with these drugs in my system... my brain isn't all scattered.
I pick up the scalpel and I just look at it until I'm spooked by a knock at my door. I put the scalpel away in my drawer along with my phone book before going to answer my door. I see that it's one of our residents... umm, I can't seem to remember her name at the moment. I'm staring down at her to figure out what she wants.
"Oh, um, Dr. Shepherd… Montgomery-Shepherd," she seems nervous but then I remember my reputation here... They call me Satan. I don't know why... Satan wouldn't save babies but that's apparently what happens.
"Yes, that's my name," I stand even taller over her with my heels on.
"I'm sorry, I, um, I'm working with you today," she finally says to me. I walk over to my desk and I grab a stack of paperwork to give to her.
"Here," I say handing them over, "round on all of my post-op patients and make sure all of their charts are up to date. If anyone needs me, I'll be here in my office."
She nods and quickly runs off then I close the door locking it behind me. I go back to my desk where I find that it's just me and my scalpel again. I don't know why it's so tempting. I cut into people all the time. I know it's painful at first which is why they dope your body up with anesthesia. But I also know when the wound is deep enough, you don't feel pain. Instead you feel some kind of euphoria... You feel calm and at ease... Those feelings... Those are the ones I lust for.