The Ultimate cliché catalogue

Summary: Hell with it. If you've read up to this chapter then you know the deal.

Warnings: See above.

Author's notes: See above again.

Disclaimer: Ditto.

Chapter 4 – Action/Adventure

- It is a DARK and STORMY night. The gang are in the game shop, helping GRANDPA take an inventory or something. SUDDENLY, they find a STRANGE game. The STRANGENESS is forced on us repeatedly.

YUGI: Gee, this game sure is STRANGE!

JOEY: Yeah. STRANGEST game I've ever seen.

GRANDPA: Oh no. You can't play that!

JOEY: Never even occurred to me. But now you mention it, I really want to play it!

GRANDPA: That is an ANCIENT EVIL BOARDGAME OF EVILNESS™. It must not be played, or it shall unleash a terrible disaster upon the world. Or something.

- He is OLD. And the gang know better than to listen to OLD people. Long story short, they play the ANCIENT EVIL BOARDGAME OF EVILNESS™. And, unsurprisingly, EVIL is unleashed.

JOEY: Who would have thought it?

The world is SHROUDED IN DARKNESS. And, as is obligatory in an Action/Adventure fic, the duel monsters come to life.

READERS: What does Duel Monsters have to do with the ANCIENT EVIL BOARDGAME OF EVILNESS™?

AUTHOR: Who do you think I am, the answer lady?

READERS:…You are writing this. You should have some idea…

AUTHOR: Fine then. It's because…well…GRANDPA can explain!

GRANDPA: Right, well there was this EVIL sorcerer in ANCIENT EGYPT™ and he did lots of…EVIL stuff. So the PHARAOH sealed him in an ANCIENT EVIL BOARDGAME OF EVILNESS™. And playing it released him.

READERS: That didn't really explain anything…

YUGI: So why didn't you destroy the ANCIENT EVIL BOARDGAME OF EVILNESS™? You just left it lying around where any fool could play it.

GRANDPA: Well…it was SHINY. I couldn't destroy something so SHINY…

THE NAMELESS DUDE: But you know how we can defeat it right?

GRANDPA: Of course I do. It's terribly simple. But I'm not going to tell you. You will have to deal with it yourself.

YUGI: What? Why?

GRANDPA: Well we wouldn't have much of a story if we could just defeat it now, would we?

- He proceeds to die in a stupid and contrived way, leaving YUGI to face the EVIL alone.

YUGI: Damn. Now what? Any ideas YAMI? You defeated this guy before.

YAMI: Nope. I lost my memory, remember? We'll just have to figure it out ourselves, over the course of twenty chapters, each more boring than the last.

JOEY: Sounds like a plan.

- All over town, the monsters wreak havoc. Unimportant people die. KAIBA obtusely ignores the chaos.

KAIBA: It's just a mass hallucination or something, caused by bad ice-cream.

JOEY: For God's sake, one of them is eating your foot!

KAIBA: Ow. Is not.

JOEY: Is too.

KAIBA: Is not.

- This goes on for a while. Eventually;

JOEY: Just shut up and like research this or something. None of us are good for anything, so for plot reasons, you have to help us.

KAIBA: Fine. But only because I don't want that whore of an AUTHOR to character rape me and then pair me with that SUE she's been planning to write.

AUTHOR: Ha. Like you have a choice in the matter.

- Meanwhile, YAMI does something MYSTICAL like contacting the spirits of the dead or something. We can't understand it, so it must be COOL and MEANINGFULL.

SPIRIT OF THE DEAD OR SOMETHING: Toooo defeeeeeat the EEEEvil one yoooooou must destroooooy theeee soooource of his poooower!

YAMI: What?

SPIRIT OF THE DEAD OR SOMETHING: Yooooou muuuust fuuuulfiiill yoooouuur destinyyyy!

YAMI: Could you quit talking like that already? It's really annoying to read. And type.

SPIRIT OF THE DEAD OR SOMETHING: Sorry kid. Anyway, you have to destroy the source of the EVIL STEREOTYPE'S power or the world will be SHROUDED IN DARKNESS forever.

YAMI: What's the source of his power?

SPIRIT OF THE DEAD OR SOMETHING: Who do you think I am, the answer lady? Go figure it out. And believe in the heart of the cards.

YAMI: Huh. Thanks a lot.

- The gang meet up somewhere.

YAMI: I communed with the SPIRIT OF THE DEAD OR SOMETHING, but I didn't find out much.

KAIBA: Well I communed with the oracle of WIKIPEDIA, and found out pretty much everything. Did you know that Elvis didn't really die? He works in a KFC in Minnesota now.

YAMI:…And what about the EVIL STEREOTYPE'S power source?

KAIBA: Oh, I got everything on that in five minutes. It's the 8th millennium item or something, and we have to get it before him, because if we don't he'll become insanely powerful and destroy the world.

YAMI: So what did you guys do?

JOEY: I got into a fight with some random guys. Then we sat around and ate chips.

TEA: Well I have no idea what's going on, so I read some magazines. Could someone tell me what's happening? Anyone? Please?

- Tumbleweed rolls past.

EVIL STEREOTYPE: Damn. I have to get to my power source before those meddling brats. I know! I will send one of my overconfident yet incompetent minions to kill them.

EVIL STEREOTYPE'S MINION: Oooh!! Let me do it!

EVIL STEREOTYPE: Whatever. Just don't screw it up.

- He does. And so do the twelve other morons sent after him. YAMI defeats them without any trouble.

YAMI: Who's da man!? C'mon, who's da man?

- The gang follow a series of random yet insanely complicated clues that appear out of pretty much nowhere, which take them all over the world, until they find the stupid thingy somewhere in Egypt. This takes about twenty chapters.

KAIBA: Why didn't we just to Egypt first? It's always Egypt.

AUTHOR: Shut up.

YAMI: Lets form some kind of stupid army of duelists or something, and go defeat the EVIL STEREOTYPE. Except for REBECCA. She has to stay home because she's too young. And annoying.

REBECCA: Bugger.

TEDDY:…

Every good character ever mentioned converges on the EVIL STEREOTYPE'S lair.

The EVIL STEREOTYPE is still too powerful though, and defeats everyone else.

JOEY: Oh no! My soul is being sent to the shadow realm or something! Even though this has happened countless times before, this is still a SHOCKING and TERRIBLE plot twist.

YAMI: Gawd dammit. Do I have to do everything myself?

HE duels the EVIL STEREOTYPE in a melodramatic and clichéd way.

YAMI: OMG!! I only have 2 l.p. left, no monsters on the field and no cards in my hand, While the EVIL STEREOTYPE has the most insanely powerful monster in existence, that can't be destroyed by anything. What will I do?

READERS: The tension is killing me!!! How can he possibly win!?!

EVIL STEREOTYPE: Hahahahaha. Draw your last card, fool!!

- YAMI draws.

YAMI: I play…Kuriboh…Shit…

EVIL STEREOTYPE: You lose, pharaoh!!!

YAMI: Not so fast. You are forgetting one thing! I am the main character, and cannot lose!

- Kuriboh uses its super secret special ability, and YAMI wins.

READERS: Wow, didn't see that coming!

JOEY: Hey, my soul's back! Excellent.

- Everyone skips merrily off into the sunset.

THE END

Next up, Bizarre AU. Probably the genre that disturbs me the most. Until then, R&R. And love and cyber cookies go out to all those that already have.