A week and a half goes by before I see anyone from the softball team again. I focus on school and getting my students through their final weeks. I can't wait to be off for the summer. Again, I try to push thoughts of Cosima out of my mind. She's just so damn cute.

We have another couple of games, and practices. The team is playing very well and we find we are undefeated after a few weeks. It's fun to be on a great team. My skills get better and better although I find it extremely hard to focus on the field.

Of course, playing center field, Cosima is always in my direct line of sight. I can't help but stare at her when I'm on the field. It's a little bit unfair. Sometimes I need to catch myself because I realize that I'm staring and biting my lip and then I snap out of it and hope that no one notices. Krystal has ragged on me for it a few times. I think she's the only one who has noticed.

Despite my pining on the field, off the field has been a little bit different. We talk at the bar after the games, but I haven't been able to get her alone in a while. It's almost like she is avoiding it on purpose. She's always surrounding herself with other members of the team, laughing, joking. Again, I can't read her and it's frustrating. She's just friendly, I keep telling myself, nothing more. She said it was great to make another friend. The pressure is building inside of me, clawing for release. I'm not sure how much longer I can go without saying something.

I decide I'm going to get her alone tonight if it's the last thing I do. Luckily, it's pretty easy. It's a Friday night and we just had a huge win against the best team in the league. We've all been drinking quite a lot so we're all pretty loose. Helena is making a lot of jokes in her wild way and we are all laughing hysterically. I inch my way closer to Cosima and when I find the perfect moment, I grab her arm and pull her over to the wall on the side.

"Come here," I say sloppily. I'm buzzed and feeling very relaxed.

She's still giggling from the jokes. She looks at me with her gorgeous smile as I stare back. "What?" she asks.

I just laugh as nerves shoot through me. "You are adorable, do you know that?" I say, feeling uninhibited by the alcohol coursing through my veins. I hold her against the wall with my hand on her shoulder.

"Um, yeah, I know that," she laughs.

I bring my body closer to hers and put my lips to her ear. "I like you...a lot," I whisper.

I feel her body shudder underneath me at my words. She closes her eyes as I kiss her gently on the neck.

"Shit," I hear her say, "Shit, shit."

I look at her face as her expression has gotten much more serious. I feel extremely self-conscious.

"Shit, Delphine, I'm sorry...I can't," she says to me.

I have a hard time finding words to answer her. I just give her a confused look as she pulls away from me. I feel like I could cry from frustration right now but I don't. I hold it in.

"Look, we should talk, but not now. I'm too drunk," she says. "I'm sorry."

She walks away leaving me in complete agony. I all of a sudden do not feel well so I tell Krystal I'm leaving and get out of there before I have to see anybody else. As soon as I'm outside the door, the tears come. I'm such an idiot. Why did I do that? I didn't want to make it awkward and now it was going to be. I had really thought we had a connection. Maybe I just wanted it too much and let my judgement slip tonight. I'm so angry with myself but at the same time, I can't stop thinking about how soft her neck is. Fuck.

I wake up with jolt as my phone buzzes. I have a splitting headache. I look down to see a text from an unknown number.

Hey, it's Cosima. I got your number from Krystal. I feel really bad about last night and I think we should talk. If you want to. Let me know.

The memories from the previous night come flooding back along with all the emotions. I don't know what she could possibly have to say to me. She's not interested. I silently scream at myself as I type my response.

Yeah I guess, ok.

She texts back immediately.

Meet for coffee?

Alright.

She texts me a location and time and I have a terrible feeling in my stomach as I get up and get ready.

The moment I see her sitting in the coffee shop I regret coming. My heart physically aches, seeing her, knowing how last night went.

"Hey," she says, smiling up at me, like always. "I got you a coffee but wasn't sure how you like it, so you can make it up over there."

I sit down and start drinking it black. I haven't said anything because I'm not sure what to say. Luckily, she continues to talk.

"Look, I'm so sorry about last night. I was drunk and I wasn't thinking," she pauses. "Just for the record, I think you're so great."

I wait for the 'but…'

"I just have a rule about getting with people on the team. I was burned pretty badly a few years ago by a situation." She pauses before continuing. "I was on this other team for a few years. I loved it. I got involved with this girl who was the captain of the team. She had played with them for a long time. We ended up having a really bad breakup and all the girls on the team sided with her and pretty much booted me off the team. It was really difficult because I loved playing with them. I lost a lot of friends. I was lucky to find The Cyclones, but I swore I wouldn't let that happen again."

I look at her, taking in all this information. "I see," is all I can say.

"Please don't be upset, Delphine. I am having such a blast with you. I really do feel like we have a special connection."

"Yeah, me too," I say, trying not to make it sound like I want that special connection to be so much more.

"Can we still hang? Because you're awesome," she says.

"Yeah, of course." I'll deal with my feelings later. I certainly don't want to lose her as a friend.

"Cool," she says with a grin.

"I think I need to go home and nap," I tell her. "Last night was rough."

"Oh, ok, yeah, I'll see you at the next game."

I leave quickly. I need to process all of this. It sort of feels like torture to be around her and not have her, but what else am I supposed to do?