Chapter Three: But it was Not Your Fault but Mine

Daisy silently opened the door to the room that William was recuperating in, relieved to see that he was awake. He looked paler than usual, with ghastly cuts on his face and his left arm was bound up in a sling, but he was sitting up. He also already had a visitor; someone was sitting in a chair at his bedside. Captain Crawley.

Daisy hovered awkwardly in the threshold, not wanting to interrupt.

"I don't think my shoulder will ever be the same," William was saying, shifting nervously on his pillows and wincing in pain. "The doctors have said as much. What am I to do if I can't carry the plates into the dining room? Or the guests' luggage?"

"You mustn't worry about that right now," Captain Crawley insisted.

"I can't help but worry."

Daisy could only see the back of Captain Crawley's head, but she felt quite certain that he was smiling. "Well, if you cannot carry the plates or the guests' luggage then I shall buy you a cart to push them on."

William and Captain Crawley both laughed, obviously imagining the looks on Lord and Lady Grantham's faces if William strolled into the dining room, steering their dinner plates on a cart. Even so, their laughter was a rather sad sound.

"I don't care if I have to hire you as my valet... I- I wasn't very keen on having a valet," Captain Crawley confessed. "But," he paused. "It would be expected of me to have one, once Miss Swire and I marry. And I owe you my life, after all. The least I can do is insure your livelihood."

"Me as your valet?" William sounded slightly dazed. "Then we'll be like his lordship and Mr. Bates, won't we, sir?" A small smile turned the corners of his lips. "I don't know how well I'd be able to—"

"You will. I've already discussed it with my mother," Captain Crawley continued. "She'd be very glad to have Daisy in the kitchen, helping out Mrs. Bird. You and Daisy could live in the village once you're married. I want to change the way things are done, so I wouldn't ask either of you to be on call all hours of the night. And when I live at Downton, you could be the butler. That's what you've always wanted, isn't it? Daisy would naturally be the cook, if she fancied it."

Daisy had heard enough. She felt a little better, knowing that William would still be looked after once he recovered. She took comfort in the fact that he would never end up like those men who had come 'round to the Crawleys' kitchen begging for scraps of food. She raised a fist, intending to knock at that door, but she ended up not needing to. William's smile grew wider as he noticed Daisy and caught her eye. "Daisy!"

Captain Crawley turned to flash Daisy a grin before he stood up from the chair. He was also in a sling, but unlike William, he had dark shadows under his eyes as though he had not slept in days. "Ah, there she is. It's the woman of the hour."

"She's the woman of every hour," William corrected, beaming.

"Of course she is." Captain Crawley turned to face Daisy. "It's nice to finally meet you properly. I've heard a great deal about you from William."

Daisy eyed his sling. No one had told her he was injured as well. "What happened, Mist—Captain Crawley?"

"Oh, it's nothing to worry about. Just an old blighty. It would have been much worse were it not for William's intervention." He looked from William to back at Daisy. "That's a very brave and selfless young man you have there."

"He is brave and selfless," Daisy agreed. But I don't "have" him.

"Please. Feel free to sit down." Captain Crawley gestured to his vacated chair.

Daisy remained standing, staring down at William and feeling her stomach clench. Oh, how could she do this to him? She didn't want to hurt him but she didn't want to lie to him, either. Wouldn't lying to him hurt him more in the long run? She wrung her hands, wishing she was still wearing her apron so that she could twist the hem between her fingers. She forced herself to meet his eyes and felt another pang of guilt. Despite all the pain he must have been in, William still managed to look at her as though he'd never been happier. He held out his free hand to her. She hesitated, suddenly feeling sick.

"I suppose this is my cue to leave," said Captain Crawley, noticing Daisy's dithering and wrongly interrupting the reason for it. "I suspect you'll want a moment to yourselves before Lady Edith returns."

As Captain Crawley excused himself, Daisy finally extended her hand, placing her fingers in William's outstretched palm. She felt hot tears prick the corners of her eyes when she heard the door close. She bit her lip, refusing to let the tears spill over. At least not yet.

"It's all worth it if I get to hold your hand," William said.

"Don't be daft," Daisy breathed. She blinked rapidly, desperately trying to ward off the tears that were threatening to overpower her. She finally dropped down into the chair, William still holding tight to her hand.

Get on with it already. Just tell him. Instead she asked, "What's an old blighty?"

"It's what we call a wound that will get you time away from the trenches to recover, but won't leave you damaged for life, either. I think I broke some bone of his when I tried to push him out of the way. He held out his arm to break his fall and I fell on him and we both went down into one of the trenches." He looked a little embarrassed.

"Still better than the alternative, even if it didn't mean he got a break from the fighting."

William chuckled. "That's what he said."

"What happened to you… isn't an 'old blighty,' is it?"

William inclined his head to the side, a casual, uncertain gesture. After a moment, he smiled ruefully and admitted, "No."

"How bad is it?" Daisy pressed.

William tried again to shrug the question off but soon crumbled under the intensity of Daisy's gaze. "It's not as bad as it could have been," he said quickly. "The doctor mentioned something about it being a 'miracle' the bullet missed my spine. I could have been paralyzed…"

Daisy let out a strangled gasp. "But?"

"But he said something about my scapula," he pronounced the unfamiliar medical word slowly. "Which I take is my shoulder blade. It's been fractured.'" He was so terribly pale, whiter than her ladyship's best sheets. "Most likely resulting in… 'a permanent limitation in the shoulder's range of motion.'"

Oh God, oh God, oh God. It was so much worse than Daisy imagined and her resolve wavered. Maybe I should wait until he feels better. She swallowed hard. It hurt.

"But I'm not in danger of dying," William added firmly. "And I have no intention of doing so."

"We're all very thankful for that," Daisy choked out. She clamped her eyes shut and two traitorous tears escaped from between her eyelashes.

"Those aren't tears of joy," William noted, suddenly alarmed. "Daisy? What is it?"

Daisy shook her head, momentarily unable to find her voice. She took a big gulp of air and scrubbed her face with the back of her free hand. Sniffling, she changed the subject. "I saw your dad on my way up here."

"Did you really? Oh, he must have been thrilled; he's been desperate to meet you for months now. Did you like him?"

She nodded. "Very much. He was ever so kind."

"I wish more than anything you could have met me mum. I just know she'd have loved you," William whispered so quietly Daisy almost didn't hear him. He sighed. "Have you thought anymore about the wedding? I won't be going back out there, so we don't have to wait until the war's over, if you don't want to. I would like to wait 'til my arm's out of this foul thing, but that might be three or four months."

She couldn't put it off any longer. She couldn't let him continue to plan a wedding that was never going to happen. The tears finally overwhelmed her, spilling over her face. She suddenly realized his fingers were still wrapped around hers. She tugged her hand out of his grip.

"Daisy! What's all this for?" William leaned as forward as far as he was able to and reached out to her, flinching when she recoiled. "I'm fine. Everything's going to be all right." When Daisy's only response was to bawl harder, William tried desperately to guess what she was upset about. "Are you worried about my job? Because Captain Crawley—"

"No, that's not it. I—oh, William, I'm so sorry. But I can't. I can't!"

"Can't what?"

"I can't marry you." There. The words were out and she couldn't take them back now.

He let his outstretched hand fall limply onto the bed. "What? Why?"

"Please don't ask me that," Daisy begged. Maybe, just maybe, she could spare him that.

"You don't think after everything I've been through, I don't deserve a bit of honesty?"

It was that word. Honesty. She could almost hear him saying, even though that particular conversation had been years ago: "I trust them, they trust me. There are no lies in our house."He had been talking about his parents, but Daisy had once liked to think that she and William shared a similar dynamic. Or at least, she had wanted to. It didn't matter, it was all ruined now.

"Because- because…" She thought of little things to say that might soften the blow. She considered reminding him that she was two years younger than he was; that she wasn't ready to get married yet. But wouldn't telling him things of that sort make him hold onto hope? He needed to let her go. The sooner he did so, the better off he'd be. "Because… You're very dear to me, but I don't feel the same way you do."

Briefly, before the tears blinded her, Daisy saw William staring up at her as though she had just waltzed up to him and informed him that the sky was bright yellow and not blue. A combination of confusion and disbelief lined his face. "What d'you mean?"

"I mean Mrs. Patmore said if you went off to war with a broken heart, you wouldn't come back. And I panicked. I'm ashamed, but I didn't know what else to do." She wiped her eyes and William came back into focus.

"B-but you started it. You kissed me first."

"I know. I know, it's all my fault. You were so sad. I— I just wanted to make you feel better. I just didn't think. I hated seeing you like that."

He covered his face with his free hand. "My God. I've just remembered. I proposed and it was Mrs. Patmore who accepted for you. I've gone 'round for more than a year thinking…" His voice died.

"William—"

He carried on as if she hadn't spoken, "I'm sorry you felt bullied into the whole thing. I never meant to push—"

"No, no. You can't blame yourself. It's me who's lied to you. You've done nothing wrong."

William lowered his hand and turned his face away from her, choosing instead to study the wall across from his bed intently.

"You'll find someone better," she blurted out. "You're a proper war hero, now and you saved the future Earl of Grantham's life. The girls in the village will be queuing up for you." She waited an agonizingly long minute but he still didn't answer her. "I have to go back downstairs. Mrs. Patmore will be looking for me." Daisy stood up, exercising all her self control not to bolt from the room. At the doorway she said, "I really am sorry for how I've treated you. I'd do anything to take it back."