I stayed lifeless and deadened from then on. It didn't seem much use to go through the motions of living when I knew I would only be disappointed. For a second, I entertained the thought that my numbness wasn't my own and that perhaps he was giving it to me as a last kindness. Then I had to watch him tear into another unsuspected, drugged-up human, destroying her just as he had ruined the other one, and I knew that he would never use his gift on me again. That kindness didn't seem to exist in my Jasper anymore. My Jasper didn't exist anymore.
Aro decided to take a small respite from Jasper's procreating attempts, and I spent those days holed up in the library. I practiced my languages, reacquainted myself with the human genetic code, and learned the intricacies of a Formula 1 engine before Felix came to escort me to the clinic. It was only five days after Jasper's first attempt, he had already killed two women, and we were going to start again. I felt nauseated at the thought.
The girl stretched out on the table was a redhead, sufficiently drugged and stripped naked. I tried not to stare at her as I took my seat, but I couldn't help seeing her pale, flawless skin and long, thin hands hanging off the table. After a few minutes of averting my eyes, I gave up and looked at her, the woman who very well might be the mother to my husband's child. She was very pretty, with a creamy complexion, high, exquisite cheekbones, and big full lashes that brushed against her cheeks. Jasper would no doubt find her exceptionally enticing, and I couldn't help but be jealous. I also couldn't handle looking at her anymore, and I turned my gaze down to my fingernails.
After staring at them for a half hour, Aro finally came into the room, his face bright with excitement and anticipation.
"I apologize for the delay," he said to me, though he nodded a little at the drugged female, as if she could hear him through her medicated stupor. "We've been giving Jasper a little snack so there aren't any mistakes this time."
"A snack?" I repeated, even though I had already envisioned the lineup of three random humans snatched off the street that had been Jasper's meal. I still had not gotten used to Jasper's change in diet, and to be reminded of it in such a fashion was hard to swallow.
"Oh, you needn't grimace so," Aro scolded good-naturedly. "They were merely street children. It was better they be taken care of."
I thought immediately of the boys on the bicycles I had seen outside the café during my night of escape. Had that policeman ushered them into a vampire's den? I winced at the thought.
"Now that our father-to-be is sufficiently fed, shall we get started?" Aro suggested with a smile. I remained silent, staring down at my hands in my lap. I half wished this would be the last time we had to go through this. Then, the torture of having to watch Jasper with other women would stop.
No, a tiny voice in my head whispered, this will never stop. You heard Aro. Hundreds, he said. Hundreds. This will never, ever end.
That phrase sang through my head, repeating over and over, as Jasper came into the room. He was dressed in the same black silk robe from the first time, just as he had been the second time and just as he would be every time after, I was sure. It was almost routine now – Jasper taking a deep breath to draw the woman's scent into his lung, a fiendish smile spreading across his lips as he climbed up on top of her, already hard.
I closed my eyes then – not to bring on a vision, but just to block out that image of his face as he sunk into her, that beautiful, blissful face I had seen every time we would make love. I kept my eyes closed, waiting for the sound of teeth ripping into flesh and hearing nothing but the rhythmic slapping of skin on skin, a constant, driving sound that only drove home the fact that this was a never-ending cycle of pain.
Suddenly, I could hear Jasper picking up speed, and a horrible vision took over my mind.
The pretty redhead was lying pale and still on the floor, her stomach a raw, gaping hole of twisted pink muscle oozing bright red onto the stone floor. Heidi, standing over her, looked down and grimaced, stepping back from the blood as if it were about to taint her Manolos.
"Well, that's one down," Demetri said with a smirk from his place between Heidi and Aro.
"It is, indeed," Aro replied, smiling at the bundle in his arms…a small, pale infant with a downy head wrapped up in a blue fleece blanket. "Now," he said excitedly, "let us go show Papa Jasper the first of his pride and joy."
When I opened my eyes, Jasper was wrapping the robe back around his slim body…and the redheaded woman was lying in tact on the table, the only damage on her the big purple bruises already welling up on her skin. The deed was done, and I had done nothing to stop it. Worse, I could do nothing to stop what would happen next.
Perhaps the woman's insides were already hard at work creating the cursed life form Aro had so longed for. And soon, if all went according to plan, a monstrous little thing would rip its way from inside her and emerge into the world – monstrous indeed, but beautiful. Perhaps with Jasper's golden hair and his big, dreamy eyes and…I shut my eyes tight to keep from thinking about the rest.
This unconscious human had done the one thing I could never do for Jasper, but to say I was jealous was the least of my worries. There was the creation of a new race to fret about. The death of this poor unsuspecting woman that was to come was another. Most of all, I worried what this would do to Jasper. He would be praised to heaven and back for his activity, given anything he wanted, and that sort of freedom had never sat well with my husband, as much as he liked to think. And there was no way that freedom would be denied him now. The Volturi would want to rejoice now that their plans had been put into effect.
I was right. It seemed all Aro had to do was clap his hands and a party was immediately organized celebrating Jasper's shared success. I stayed locked in the new room I had been given and sat cross-legged on the foot of my bed, stared at the closed doors of my closet filled with brand-new clothes, and thought about the waste of it all to keep from thinking about the forty or so human lives that were being wasted downstairs. Strange to think how a bloody massacre was the Volturi's idea of a party.
The door eased open then. I looked over, expecting to see Felix on bodyguard duty, and was a little shocked to find Alec standing there. He was wearing black slacks and a miniature blazer, looking every inch the twelve-year-old gentleman. The look sent shivers up my spine.
"May I help you?" I asked in a quiet, dull voice.
Alec smiled. "I'm here to escort you to the party."
I shook my head. "I'm not going."
"Oh, but Aro said –"
"I don't want to hear what Aro said," I cut him off.
His smile turned into a frown, making his angelic face almost heart-wrenching. "It's only a party, Alice. It would do you good to go."
"Good?" I repeated, raising my eyebrows at him. Good for me to go watch the man I love slaughter yet another human while I wrestled with my own temptations? For me to stand by and watch everyone congratulate him on something I thought was beyond terrible? No, I wouldn't have wished my position on my worst enemy.
"Yes, good," Alec repeated. "You can't wallow in here forever. The library either. Oh, yes, I've seen you sulking around. If I did that, Jane would slap me. Would you like me to slap you?"
"No," I deadpanned.
"Very well. Though with all this pain you're self-inflicting, I should think you'd get off on that."
I clenched my jaw and said nothing.
"I mean, we all know Jasper's penchant for violent bedroom rendezvous. And since that's off-limits to you now, I'd be happy to provide a little sadistic distraction if you need it."
Staying silent was getting harder and harder to do, but I kept my lips clamped together.
Alec sighed. "That makes sense. Felix already said you spurned his advances. Besides, Jane wouldn't be too pleased if it was me that took a hand to you and not her. Just be glad it was me sent to get you. She'd give you a little medicine until you agreed to go." His eyes were sparkling as if he were already anticipating Jane's actions and he smiled at me charmingly. "Now, will you take my arm, or shall I go get my sister?"
I clenched my teeth and slid down from the bed, catching sight of myself in my new, unbroken mirror. I hadn't changed my clothes since burning all my old ones, and the kelly green tunic I was wearing over my black leggings was sooty and wrinkled and burned a little at the hem. But I wasn't going to change, not into the clothes they had put in here. I flattened my hands over my hair, trying to make myself look halfway-decent. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw another figure joining Alec at the door – Jane.
"You can't possibly be going downstairs in that," she scolded, resting her head on her brother's shoulder as she scowled at me. Of course, Jane was impeccably dressed in a long deep blue gown with a elegant scoop neck and tiny cap sleeves. Next to her, I felt grubby and unkempt, a shadow of what I had always been and not living up to what had so often defined me.
"Jane, be kind," Alec said sweetly and turned his head to press his lips onto his sister's forehead. She looked up at him with fond eyes.
"I am being kind," she insisted. "I haven't done a single thing to her."
"She can't help it if she hasn't another dress."
Jane rolled her eyes. "She's got plenty. I saw Sulpicia and Athenodora bring them in two nights ago." She crossed the room to throw open the doors of the closet, revealing rows and rows of brightly-colored outfits and turned to smile evilly at me. "Now, Alice, darling, won't you get ready?"
I wanted to strangle the girl for her false endearment but instead remained silent, staring at the rainbow hue of my closet's insides.
"She says she won't go down at all," Alec informed his sister.
Jane looked up at him with that horrible, devilish smile. "We could make her, you know."
"Jane." It was another voice that joined theirs now as Heidi came into the doorway. Jane scowled and pulled away from her twin, waving her hands flippantly.
"Just get her dressed and bring her down," she muttered, turning to leave. "Carry her down if you have to. Or come get me. I'll take care of the problem quite easily." She stopped to flash me a look that proved she would not hold anything back should it come to that and left, Alec hot on her heels. Alone now, Heidi came into the room, her skintight red dress hardly moving as she walked, and started rifling through the closet.
"Do something with your hair," she called back. "Aro won't hesitate to send Jane again."
I frowned; I could handle Jane's punishments every once in a while, but to have them on constant repeat until I went down to the party would be abominable. Grabbing a brush from my bedside table, I ran it through my choppy locks as Heidi pulled a gown from the closet. It was a long-sleeved, tea-length dress made of buttery yellow raw silk. I shook my head.
"No." There was no chance I was wearing that. It was almost an exact replica of a dress I had had long ago – a dress he had picked out. I couldn't wear that in front of him, not with the way things were between us now.
"You have to wear it, Alice," Heidi said matter-of-factly.
"I don't have to do anything," I replied.
She whipped around to face me, the sunshine-colored dress in her hand. "You have to if you want to stay away from Jane. And you haven't got any other suitable dresses. This one is beautiful." She thrust the dress at me, shoving it into my hands. "Now put it on."
Without the heart to argue, I was no match for Heidi. She watched carefully as I undressed, her eyes piercing into me as I peeled down to the simple white undergarments I was wearing. Their ruby stare reminded me very much of a pendant Jasper had given me our first Christmas together – a pendant I had somehow kept on my person every day up until a few weeks ago. It was now lying somewhere in my jewelry box, one of the few things that had survived my room-torching, and it would likely stay there for the rest of time. There was no way I could look at that glimmering little jewel without thinking of the words he had said that long-ago December day.
"Alice…you have already captured my heart. It may be still, but it is there. And it belongs to you entirely."
Or it used to.
Heidi was right; it was a beautiful dress, just as beautiful as it had been when I had worn the same thing in 1949. She somehow found a pair of small turquoise heels in the back of the closet and tossed them at me. I caught them and slipped them on before looking at myself in the mirror.
It was almost shocking to see myself back to how I once was. The dress was incredibly flattering, pulling in at all the right spots and making my already perfect figure look good enough to rival Heidi's. The shoes each had a little yellow flower on them to tie into the dress and had heels about four inches high, raising me up from my usual four-foot-eleven stature. I had returned to being the bubbly, fashionable, graceful little Alice I had been a year ago – at least that was how it looked on the outside. On the inside, I was cringing and wondering how long I could keep up the front.
The party was almost winding down by the time I got there, the last of the sacrificed humans' bodies being carted away as I came in. Despite the meal having finished, the partygoers were still chatting noisily, sipping from goblets of deep red liquid, and even dancing to music pouring through unseen speakers. Heidi left me to press against Demetri's side and watch Jane and Alec, who were executing an exquisite Viennese waltz in the middle of the dance floor. Aro, along with his wife Sulpicia, was standing across the room from me, and he lifted his goblet in a toast as I entered. I nodded a little out of habit then averted my eyes.
I couldn't stop my gaze from going to the biggest group in the room. Jasper sat in a plush chair pushed up against the far wall, his face all at once bored and amused. He was surrounded by people – namely females – and was speaking quietly. Unfortunately, it wasn't quietly enough; I could still hear him talking about the human he had just bedded and hopefully impregnated. One of the females, a brunette with a high, simpering voice, stroked his arm through his finely-made jacket and asked him how hard it had been – smirking heavily through her obvious double entendre. I watched Jasper shake his golden head, smirk, and reply that it hadn't been difficult at all. At this, I snorted.
Jasper's crimson eyes flickered over to me, no doubt drawn there because of my bright gown. Even if he didn't remember the one from before, I stood out like a literal ray of sunshine among the somber colors of the Volturi's chosen dress. Everyone was wearing some dark, cool shade, including Jasper, who was wearing a black suit that made his hair gleam and his skin look icy smooth. My buttery dress seemed to be a physical manifestation of my opposing status to the Volturi's darkness.
As Jasper looked over me, his face suddenly cleared; the smirk that had been there was washed away and any trace of amusement was suddenly gone. I braced myself for the fury that would replace it…and received none. His gaze was deadened, soulless, without a single trace of emotion. It was more frightening than if he had been glaring at me, and I had to look away quickly before I burst into tears at seeing what my husband had become. He was no longer the gentle, caring, feeling man I had fallen for. He was changed entirely…yet still I loved him. I knew it was wishful thinking – there was no way I could have my Jasper back – but I couldn't help but still care for the man he had once been…the man who might, just might be hiding underneath all the numbness he was carrying now.
The brunette touched Jasper's arm and his silent dull gaze moved up to her face – far too close to his for my comfort. This was too much. I couldn't stay in the room and watch him any longer. I had made my appearance, just as Aro had requested, and now I had to leave, or everyone would have to bear witness to the colossal breakdown I was on the verge of. With a quick glance to the future to make sure no one would stop me and that the hallway would be sufficiently deserted, I skirted out of the immense room, grateful for the silence once the doors shut behind me.
I wondered for a moment if I could perhaps get a time restraint on my imprisonment. Surely I could handle being stuck here if there was a date I would be freed. Sort of a light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel thing. I could watch Jasper with all those females and see him beget child after child if I knew I would be leaving. Tomorrow, I would have to speak to Aro about –
Unseen hands suddenly grabbed my arms, wrenching me back and throwing me against the wall, my face and front pressed into the stone. There was a heartbeat's pause before I was roughly turned around and thrust back against the wall by those same hands. I looked up, following the lines of the arms that had thrown me, up, up, until I could see a face glowing in the torchlight.
"Jasper…"
My voice was a shocked, drawn-out whisper and I stared up at him with big dazzled eyes. He looked both deadened and furious, as if his feelings had been gradually numbed and he could only play at emotions now. I watched, dumbed into silence as he pressed me even harder against the wall.
The stones were jutting through the thin fabric of my dress and I placed my palms up my husband's chest…to push him away or draw him in closer, I wasn't sure. Maybe it was just to feel him underneath my hands one last time. But then his fingers came up to my breasts, so unlike a caress that I winched and began pushing against him. It wasn't enough; I was too small and he had me pressed tightly between the wall and his body, the body that I half-wanted and was half-frightened of. Jasper's hands tightened on my chest, squeezing me almost painfully, then suddenly pulling apart, ripping the top of my dress wide open.
"Jasper!" I gasped, shocked back into speech. But he acted like he didn't even hear and tipped his head down to my décolletage. I could feel his teeth scraping along my skin there – before he bit down, tearing my bra apart with his teeth and nicking the tender flesh of my breast. His venom stung like wildfire and I tried to say something. I tried to beg him to stop, but my vocal chords refused to work – or at least work more than they were required to to create the high, soft sobbing sounds that were beginning to choke my throat.
Again, Jasper ignored my wailing and moved his big hands to the skirt of my dress, pushing it up around my waist. The fabric blocking my view, I couldn't see what he was doing, but I could hear it. I could feel it. I knew exactly what he was doing and how awful and wrong it was…and how awful and wrong I was for still loving him, just a little, even as he was doing this to me. My Jazz had to be inside there somewhere, didn't he? He had saved me. We had saved each other. You can't just forget things like that.
Or apparently, you could. As he ripped the little cotton panties from between my legs, Jasper's eyes flickered up to mine, so black and numb that it seemed like he was nothing more than a shell, going about the motions of life…and the motions of semi-rape, as it were. I began to cry harder, my voice breaking through the sobs.
"Please, Jazz…stop, please," I begged while he shoved his knee between my thighs and drew them apart. The sound of his zipper lowering was his only reply, and I felt him press his hard length against me for a split second before thrusting in, spearing me against him in a quick, rough, almost-painful way. My hands gripped his shoulders out of habit, and I glanced back up to his face, shocked at what I saw there.
The emotion had come back into Jasper's eyes…only now he was blazing with fury. His eyes held an anger I had never seen before – at least not directed at me. The feeling in him grew and grew until it was pouring off of him and seeping into me, making me just as furious. Or maybe I was like that on my own, angry with him for being so angry. What right does he have to feel that way? I asked as he thrust me against the wall. He left me. He chose the other side. I should be the one…I should be…
Even with Jasper's gift, I couldn't be furious. Disappointment and denial were all I felt. The man I loved was in there, I knew it. If I were to give up hope for that, he would matter no more. He would never again be anything more than a mindless killing machine. I had to keep that faith, for his sake, no matter how much he had hurt me.
As he lifted me high up on the wall, still thrusting furiously into me, I kept looking at him and choked on a new batch of sobs at the anger in his face. My upset only seemed to serve as fuel to his sadistic fire and he moved faster, pumping into me until he reached the brink, his entire body tensing against me. I felt like I was drowning, suffocating between Jasper and the wall, like I was desperately trying to grab onto anything that would save me. Rather, I clung to my husband's shoulders desperately, and Jasper's eyes finally flared into mine. The anger was all gone now, and I prepared for the numbed-out look to reenter. Instead, a flicker of exhaustion swept over them. That befuddled me. He had blood, women, anything he wanted; what did he have to be tired about?
For a moment, I wondered if the drowning sensation I was feeling was even mine. Perhaps I was right. Perhaps underneath that cruel, cold veneer, my Jasper was still lurking, suffocating just as much as I was.
But then he pulled me up off of him and shoved me roughly. The back of my head struck the stone wall, darkening my vision for a second, though my eyes recovered quickly enough to see Jasper tucking himself back into his pants. He straightened up, scowled at me with angry, blood-red eyes, turned on his heel, and walked away, leaving me pressed up against the stone and knowing, once and for all, that he would never be mine again.
And if Jasper wasn't in my life, then how could life even be worth living?