Chakotay had to stop himself from saying that the view would be lovely wherever she was. He tried to focus on opening the bottle, but his recently mended wrist was giving him considerable trouble. He let out an involuntary hiss at the sharp pain, causing Kathryn to get up again.
She came back to his side, taking his hand tenderly. Kathryn looked at him, concern evident in her expressive eyes. "What is it?"
He fiddled with the bottle in his healthy hand to keep from having to look at her. "It's nothing, really. I just hurt my wrist playing Parrisses Squares the other night. The Doctor said there could be some pain."
The captain's hands on his were better than any analgesic. Her fingers were moving over the back of his hand, caressing the knuckles lightly. Was that deliberate?
He could feel her cool hands take on some of his body heat, and somehow that felt very intimate. He had no idea how long he had been staring at her hands, but he was jolted back to reality by Kathryn taking the cider from him. She cleared her throat and moved back a few paces, placing the bottle on her desk.
"Chakotay, I know I don't have to ask your permission to speak freely, but I've got something on my mind." She rested one hand on her hip, making her look beautifully imposing, as she regarded him.
He was still tingly from their prolonged contact, but he made an effort to appear unruffled. "You know you can tell me anything." He put on a smile and hoped against hope that what she had to say wasn't about her being uncomfortable with their closeness.
She pushed a hand through her hair. She was obviously having trouble deciding on what to say. That didn't seem like the captain at all. Chakotay debated whether to say something to ease her apparent discomfort, or stay silent like a good officer would. Then again, he didn't just want to be another officer to her. "Kathryn? Is everything alright?"
She looked up at him, conflicting emotions warring on her features. For once, she had dropped her mask, and Chakotay was grateful for that. She sighed deeply, her hand touching her forehead. "I'm not sure. I guess it all depends."
He furrowed his brow. "Depends on what?"
She sighed again. "On that same question we've been asking ever since we got stranded here in the Delta quadrant. Starfleet rules and regulations are there for a reason. Who are we to decide which ones to follow?" Her bright blue eyes rested on him, searching his face.
Chakotay's heart skipped a beat. Was she saying what he thought she was? Could she really be fighting the same inner battle that he had so recently lost?
He cautioned himself and walked over to her desk, trying to appear more composed than he felt. He took the bottle and succeeded in opening it this time. He was punished by a rather unpleasant pain that shot all the way into his elbow.
He managed to hide the grimace on his face by turning around to fetch their glasses. "The way I see it," he began while pouring the amber liquid, "we are in a somewhat unique situation." He handed the captain one of the glasses. She shook her head, but accepted the drink.
"Are we, though? What about the Equinox crew? They suffered the same fate at the hands of the caretaker, but they chose to abandon their principles." Her eyes showed the pain and revulsion most of them felt when reminded of their fellow Starfleet vessel. "They became monsters."
Chakotay couldn't stop a tiny smile from pulling at his mouth. "Kathryn, what is this really about? We've had this conversation before, years ago. You were wondering if running a Starfleet ship and allowing the crew to have intimate relations could work. We know now that it does work, so why is this becoming an issue again?"
Kathryn put down her glass and sat on the edge of her desk, hands clenched around one knee. She regarded him for a while before she spoke. "Because this time it's about me. I've always tried to maintain at least a modicum of professional distance between myself and my crew, but ... ever since that letter from Mark ..."
"You've been wondering if it would be such a bad thing if you started seeing someone?" The words came out almost before he could stop them. He saw Kathryn's eyes widen.
"Exactly." It was barely more than a whisper.
Chakotay put his own glass down. "But you're worried about the chain of command, about fraternisation." Chakotay couldn't stop himself. He had stepped closer and was carefully touching Kathryn's shoulder. Her eyes never left his.
"Exactly."
He ran his hand very lightly down her arm. "You know what? The hell with it."
He reached out with his other hand, and brushed an auburn curl out of Kathryn's face. She showed no signs of protest, so he decided to go for it. Keeping his hand on her cheek, he leant in, his eyes searching hers, ready to stop if she showed any displeasure. Finally, she closed the remaining distance between them, allowing their lips to touch for the first time. This was much better than his fantasy. He had to bend down, because she was still seated, but when he felt one of her hands on his neck, he couldn't care less. Kathryn's kisses were soft, almost shy, casting a stark contrast between her usual manner and the woman who was kissing him. After a while she pulled back, her hand raised to touch her lips. She looked like she couldn't believe that she had just kissed her first officer. To be honest, he wasn't entirely sure that he wasn't dreaming himself. He let his hands fall away, and tried to focus on controlling his breathing, which sounded like he had been running. They were still close enough for him to smell her hair, which didn't help clear his head at all.
He avoided her eyes, scared of what he might see there, until he noticed that his gaze had been resting on her heaving chest for far too long already. He forced his eyes away, then met hers again. She had gotten up from the desk and her hand was just coming up to cup his cheek. He noticed that she was smiling one of her barely there smiles, while she scanned him intently. Chakotay couldn't help the smile that spread across his own face. They stayed like that for quite some time, just basking in the glow of their shared kiss.
Eventually, Kathryn broke the silence. "I think you're right. Some rules are worth bending."
Chakotay savoured the feeling of her hand on his cheek. Standing close to his captain had never felt more intimate, more natural. He never wanted this moment to end.
Finally, though, the first officer remembered that it must be getting late. He brought his own hand up to his face to cover hers. He smiled ruefully. "I'm afraid I should be on my way ..."
Her face froze, the mask back in place. She took a step back, effectively freeing her hand from Chakotay's. After a moment, she took up her glass and drank from it, affecting nonchalance. "Well, don't let me keep you, Commander. I've got an early morning, too."
Chakotay blinked at the unexpected use of his rank, but forced a smile. "Good night, Captain. I hope you enjoy the cider."
He left the captain's quarters feeling more confused than ever. What had he done to bring this wonderful evening to such an abrupt end?
He resolved to ask her about it the next chance he got. As always, Chakotay was convinced that honesty was the best policy.
That night, Kathryn had trouble finding sleep. Granted, that was never easy, but tonight was different. As she lay in bed, watching the stars rush past, her mind kept returning to the man she had come to trust more than anyone in the universe. During her captaincy, she had always denied herself the pleasure of intimate companionship, partly because she had had a man waiting for her at home, partly because she had felt she needed to be punished for standing her crew here. Aside from a few stray kisses and fantasies, she had stuck to that rule. She fancied herself a better captain for not getting caught up in the tangles of love and lust.
She let out a snort of laughter. How very Vulcan of you, Kathryn!
That thought stuck, however. She had spent a good deal of her career in the company of a Vulcan, who had always been her moral compass and her trusted friend. She was struck by the sudden impulse to get her combadge from her nightstand and call him. He would provide some order for her messy thoughts. She had already thrown back the covers when she became aware that she might not like Tuvok's answer to her dilemma. He might be uncomfortable discussing personal issues, but he was still her advisor, and a Starfleet officer. He would use his impeccable logic to weigh the pros and cons of her becoming intimately involved with her first officer.
Those words made something inside her body tighten. She had been attracted to him for a long time, but her rules and sense of duty had always helped her keep those feelings in check. If it hadn't been for New Earth, she might even have succeeded in pushing them away completely, but Chakotay's heartfelt revelation had dredged everything up again.
She smiled when she remembered his story about the angry warrior who had taken it upon himself to protect and serve the woman warrior and her tribe. It was hard to imagine the warm and gentle Indian man as the angry and irrational being that his intelligence report had made him out to be. Of course she knew that he had fight in him, but he always had the crew's best interests at heart. A warm feeling spread through her chest at that thought. Could it really be so wrong to entertain the idea of a relationship with someone who was as devoted to the ship as she was? Even as she felt a slight arousal at the memory of kissing Chakotay, every regulation she could cite was against her.
She couldn't let those feelings bubble up again, couldn't let that arousal turn into desire that clouded her judgement. But in order for that to work, she needed to get rid of it.
With a slightly mischievous smile, she allowed her hand to travel down over her stomach, lower and lower ... She gasped at the contact. She hadn't had time or the right mindset to do this in ages. She tried to focus on the sensations caused by her own fingers, but something else snuck up on her. The image of Chakotay's body lying next to her, his hand covering her own like it had earlier. She imagined what it would feel like to have his warm fingers dance over her sensitive skin, stroking her to an inevitable climax.
The wave of ecstasy hit her quite unexpectedly, crushing her with its force. She fought her way back up and lay there for a while, the back of her hand on her forehead, allowing her breathing to return to normal.
When the rush of orgasm faded, she was left with a slightly sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach.
Maybe she shouldn't have sent Chakotay away. He was probably convinced that she had just slipped up and was now back to her chaste self. Maybe he even thought she was angry at him. The only one she was angry at was herself.
She got up and went to the couch table, where their dessert still stood, untouched.
She took the plate and settled down in her favourite chair. The Osol Twists were fantastic, and they helped ease her anxiety. Kathryn eventually put the plate down and pulled the woollen blanket over herself. Finally, she felt sleep catching up with her.