A/N: Again, thanks to everyone who reviewed. If I didn't suffer from chronic laziness, I would put all of your names here. Anyway, you guys are awesome. Oh, and a warning, there's some language in this (it is rated T, though), so if that bugs you, here's your heads up.

Disclaimer: I'm not Stephenie, blah blah blah, you get the idea.

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Bella walked out into the warm summer night with only a towel wrapped around her. She had just finished taking a shower, which is, of course, the only sensible thing to do before taking a dip in the ocean. Edward, who had been staring up at the moon, sensed her presence as she approached the water. He kept gazing at the sky, waiting for her to join him in the salty waves. He hadn't wanted to make it awkward for her by watching her as she dropped her towel.

As he waited for the moment when she would come to stand beside him, her warmth radiating from her as she wrapped her slender arms around his torso, he let his mind wander. He desperately wanted to turn around. He pictured Bella, skin glowing faintly in the moonlight and long brown hair flowing in soft waves over her body. How her face would be adorably flushed in embarrassment, the slightest hint of red touching her cheeks. How her teeth would slowly, teasingly, drag across her full, pink bottom lip as she thought of what she was about to do.

This was the night he had awaited for more than a century, the night when he would finally be able to express his undying love to his soul mate in the most intimate way possible. He had never felt so ready for anything in his entire life.

Where is she? Edward thought, anxious and irritated that it was taking so long. He noticed that he had felt no disturbance in the water, which was strange for him, since his mind could think about many different things at once. He hadn't realized just how distracted he had been by his thoughts; he was acting like an over-excited teenager.

Just then, his beautiful bride cleared her throat slightly, trying to get Edward's attention. He pivoted in the waist deep water, disappointed to see that she was holding the towel around herself. He noticed that it was falling just a bit on one side, though...

"Yes, love?" He asked, worried at her nervous expression.

"I…" she began, hesitantly. "I, um, have a bit of a problem," she finished, her mouth turning down in a grimace.

It was then that he smelled it; a particularly strong scent of freesia was being blown in his direction by the warm breeze.

Bella was bleeding.

Edward darted through the water and was standing on the warm stand by Bella in a second. "Bella, what's wrong?" He asked, beginning to panic. There couldn't be something wrong with Bella on this, the greatest night of his entire existence. Had she cut herself shaving?

Bella fidgeted, toes wiggling in the sand. She bowed her head to try to hide her blush. "I'm, uh, oh wow…" she trailed off again.

Edward was getting more and more irritated by the second. He wished, much like he had countless of times, that he could read Bella's mind. He placed a hand on each of her shoulders, noticing that she shivered slightly at the contact. The hot wind blew again, playing with strands of Bella's hair, which was still damp from her shower, and sending another waft of the scent of Bella's blood in Edward's direction.

"Love, just tell me. Are you hurt? Why are you bleeding?" He asked, very gently shaking her by the shoulders, trying to force her to look at him.

She raised her head slightly, looking up through her lashes at him. Her face was scarlet, and her bottom lip was swollen from chewing on it.

"Well," she stated, pausing uncomfortably, "I don't know how to tell you this, but I kind of… started my –" Bella abruptly stopped talking as she took in Edward's expression. She stood perfectly still, holding her breath in anticipation for what was going to happen.

Edward's golden eyes had widened to the size of saucers as he took in Bella's unfinished sentence. Shock coursed through him. His stance was tense, not a single muscle moving as he tried to process what his wife had just told him. He couldn't seem to make sense of it. His mind refused to wrap itself around the concept.

Slowly, very slowly, reality settled deep into the recesses of Edward's thoughts.

Of course, he thought. The awkwardness, the blood… no.

He tried to force it out, tried to block the truth from his mind with fantasies of the greatest night of his life, but he couldn't. It was undeniable.

Edward sank mechanically, knees bending at a ninety degree angle as he fell onto the sand with a dull thud. Bella looked down at him warily, worrying about her husband and his shocked silence. Then Edward opened his mouth and screamed a word rarely used, according to the Mormon author, his voice carrying to the surrounding privately owned and ridiculous expensive islands.

"FUUUUUUCK!" He shouted, his chest heaving. His fists were clenched in anger, and his arms shook slightly. Bella had a vague mental image of Edward turning into a big, fuzzy wolf. In the distance, a faint, "Shut up!" could be heard from Isle Britney, Bitch.

"Well, technically, we can't do that right now, Edward!" his retarded wife chimed in, only making the situation worse by saying the dumbest thing to be said at the time, much like she did throughout the entire series.

Edward looked up at her with dead eyes, chanting a steady stream of profanities before collapsing face first in the sand.

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Btw, this isn't my usually way of writing. I'm kind of making fun of Stephenie's writing style with this, too. (It's so formal, which works for her, but I think it's kind of ridiculous some times.) Not my favorite chapter (although the mental image of Edward pulling a Dwayne from Little Miss Sunshine move and screaming fuck at the top of his lungs is hilarious to me). Anyway, let me know what you think. :D

xAtropos

PS- Kudos to my friend for coming up with Isle Britney, Bitch.