Behind Sanity
Chapter Three
1
A week passed for Alice and her new family, and every morning that she awoke felt like the first morning in some strange, new, pleasant place. She walked with Wendy and Morgan to and from the schoolhouse. During the day, she and Wendy would shop and cook – which Alice had little experience with and often made mistakes. They always had tea. Everything was wonderful and easy, and each day was as wonderful as the day before.
On the eighth day, Alice staggered downstairs for breakfast, feeling that she had not slept so well in ages. In truth, she had hardly ever slept at all before, and to say that she'd gotten more than four hours of comfortable, uninterrupted sleep was astounding. The sweet smell of breakfast now floated past her nose. What was this smell? It had become so foreign that she didn't even recognize it anymore. Or had she just smelled it the day before? Had she fallen asleep in the asylum and awoken here? The smells were so delicate and warm – something she was still not used to. When she finally stepped down into the kitchen, Wendy was at the stove and turned with a warm smile from her cooking.
"Good morning, Alice," she greeted cheerily.
Alice offered a smile, but gave no further greeting. She was much to taken with the daylight streaming in through the window.
Morgan was already at the table chewing at a buttered piece of toast. She wore a long, pink gown with white borders. Her long hair was still disheveled from sleep. To Alice, the girl still looked very tired, as if she hadn't slept at all. Her eyes carried small bags. But Alice had noticed this about Morgan every morning since she had awoken in this place, so she did not think it strange. On the floor beside Morgan's chair lay the white rabbit, its limbs twisted uncomfortably. Its button eyes stared emptily and continuously at the ceiling.
"Have a seat," Wendy said, interrupting Alice's observations. "Your breakfast will be done in a minute. Have some orange juice. There's a glass for you on the table."
Alice found her place at the table across from Morgan, who smiled up at her. She saw Dinah scooting a small dish of milk across the floor as she lapped it up messily. Then Alice peered down at the orange juice under her nose.
"It's good," Morgan commented, licking jam from her small fingers.
Alice lifted the drink up to her nose. Taking a whiff, she determined that there was no medicine swimming in it. She smelled of it again, as though her nose was playing a nasty trick on her. Morgan watched as her aunt took a long drink of the juice and savored the unaltered flavor. Juice every morning for a week, and there was never anything in it. Still, there were habits that Alice had not been able to cast away just yet.
"It's time for you to go and get ready for school, Morgan," Wendy said. "Your clothes are on your bed. Do you need me to come help you with your dress?"
"No," the girl protested. "I can do it myself."
Morgan took one last drink of her juice and climbed from the chair. She picked up the rabbit and tromped upstairs leisurely. Like Alice when she had been young, lessons were not this girl's favorite thing.
Wendy brought a plate of eggs and toast over to Alice and then sat down in the chair where Morgan had been. Alice just stared at the food. She could barely remember what it was like – even though she had just eaten the very same thing yesterday.
"Your appointment with your doctor is at noon today."
Alice looked up suddenly. Doctor? Oh yes; that was right. After a week she was to go back to see Dr. Elliot at the clinic. He was going to ask her questions again and make sure she had adjusted well and liked her new home.
"I'm sure it's nothing to worry about. They probably just want to make sure that you're happy here. I can ride with you," Wendy offered. I'll be going into town anyway."
Alice nodded, taking in a mouthful of toast. Wendy smiled as she watched her. "Good?"
Alice nodded and savored the flavors.
"Did you sleep well?" Wendy asked.
Alice nodded again.
Wendy sat for a few more moments, just watching her sister. The past week had gone so well, and while she was a bit nervous about the doctor visit today, she was sure things would be fine.
"I'm really glad you're here, Alice," she said sincerely.
Alice glanced up from her food for a moment, swallowed and waited for the rations to slide down.
"Yes," she agreed. "I'm glad, too."
2
The carriage rolled silently past the iron gates announcing RUTLEDGE INSTITUTE and moved up the hill, ending what was a rather quiet trip. Alice said nothing much along the way, simply taking in the scenery. Wendy had busied herself with simply watching her sister. It was sad, but she felt as if she had to come to know her all over again. The past week had been lovely, but it shouldn't have been this way. Her visiting privileges had been taken away from her after six months of Alice's stay at Rutledge's. Wendy prayed silently that this observation went well; she couldn't bear to lose her sister again.
"I'll be back to get you in about an hour, I suppose," Wendy told her as Alice was helped out of the carriage.
She watched as her sister trailed away, walking up the steps and in through those doors until she could no longer tolerate the thought. It was a bit of a struggle, but Wendy managed to calm herself before she panicked on the thought that her sister would not come back out.
3
The hospital was just the same as it was a week ago, and Alice didn't have to endure the horrors of the chambers above. The halls of the lower clinic were soft and nicely decorated. She supposed the doctors needed a break from the cells above: rooms of torture. She, herself, had been able to dwell in these lower rooms for the last few months of her stay. Still, one could hear the screams deep in the night.
A nurse Alice didn't recognize greeted her as she walked in, catching her attention immediately.
"Hello, Alice? You're right on time. The doctor is waiting for you."
The young woman didn't argue. The nurse led her down the straightest hall known to man and into a room she knew all too well. The office was small, as were all the other rooms in this place. There was a bench on one side of a long oak desk, and on the other side there was a wooden desk chair that belonged to the man she always saw sitting there. Dr. James Elliot.
Alice had been seeing the same doctor for the past four years. When she had first been admitted here, she was in the care of several different doctors, but finally for a whole year she had a steady doctor whose last name was Wilson. He had tried his best with her, but after an unfortunate incident, he'd had to give her up like all the others. She didn't remember very much about Wilson, but since he'd left her, and for the further extent of her asylum stay, she was under the care of the same man: James R. Elliot.
In earlier years, Elliot had always made his appearance in her cell, but after she'd begun to make progress and had been relocated to the lower wing, she was brought to meet him here. She knew how this worked. She walked into the office and sat down in the chair across from the desk silently, the back of the desk chair still turned to her.
"I believe I'm on time. You shouldn't keep me waiting," she said after sitting there in silence and wondering if he would acknowledge her.
There was no reply for a few more moments, but finally the chair behind the desk turned and she found herself looking into an unfamiliar face.
Alice would guess that he was in his thirties. His face was smooth and he was wonderfully built, with toned skin touched lightly by the sun outside the walls. His hair was dark brown, longer in the front than in the back – a bit messy and characteristic of a Rutledge doctor. His eyes gleamed behind small glasses that sat on a smart-looking nose. This man's appearance was unexpected; he was new to her.
Alice just looked at him for a moment in silence before managing to speak through her confusion – though it did not show on her face.
"Where is Doctor Elliot?" she asked finally, not taking too kindly to this sudden change that the hospital had tried to spring on her.
"We thought you might like to see someone different today," the new man said in a strong, yet gentle voice. There was an open casebook in his lap, and once he had turned fully, he set it upon the desktop.
"Who is 'we'?" she asked calmly. "And whyever would the group of you think that?"
The doctor chuckled and smiled. "You are just like they said."
"Who are 'they'?" she demanded stubbornly.
"Who are you?" he asked, turning it back on her.
"Alice," she said, flatly. "But I think you know who I am."
The man who was attractive in a bookish sort of way leaned back in the tall chair. The daylight from the windows reflected off his glasses.
"Indeed I do," he assured her. "In fact, I have been waiting to meet you for quite some time."
Alice said nothing in response. Deep in the back of her mind, there was a thought that she should be more cooperative, but the greater swell of her brain was filled with stubbornness.
"About four years," he said as though she had asked.
She just stared straight back at him with no expression. She wasn't in the mood to play these games.
"So, now that you know who I am, are you going to introduce yourself?" she asked.
"Certainly," the man said with good humor, propping his elbows on the desk. "I am Doctor Johnathan A. Robertson, and I am very pleased to meet you, Alice Liddell."
"I wish I could say the same," she said smartly. "You'll forgive me that this meeting is a bit shocking."
Alice pushed back the curls she'd forced into her hair and folded her gloved hands, staring calmly back at the man who called himself Robertson. He chuckled as if she'd made a joke.
"I sense a little anxiety. You have a problem with being here?"
"Why switch doctors?" she asked abruptly. "I'm well. I'm cured of whatever ailment hindered me and I hardly even remember being sick. That's more than one can ask for."
"Perhaps that is true," Robertson said. "And I'm sorry that I must be the one to inform you, but Doctor Elliot is no longer with us here at Rutledge's."
Alice was silent a few moments, considering his words. Why would Elliot not be here? He'd left so abruptly? She'd only just seen him a week ago.
"Where is he?"
"Retirement," the new, young doctor said. "A week ago. Right after his last patient here was set for release."
Alice knew that the patient in question would have been her. But why? Though she was curious, she decided to leave it alone now and return to her first argument.
"I don't need a new doctor," she insisted. "All I need for you to do is confirm that I am truly better and happy so I can go back home."
"Oh no!" he said with a laugh, his eyes twinkling fondly. "That is not the reason at all for this visit! I wouldn't dream of trying to evict you from your new life! I am simply here to meet you."
"To meet me? In order to establish a long doctor and patient relationship? I will not be returning here. What's the true reason?" she demanded, not buying his story.
"That's truly it," he insisted, keeping that smug little smile on his face and tossing his hands in a shrug. "Of course you're going to tell me you're happy, just so you won't have to come back here. If I were you, I'm sure I'd do the same whether I was happy or not. Honestly, I only wanted to ask you a few questions. "
"Oh, why didn't you say that in the beginning?" she asked, crossing her arms across the front of her brown dress.
"I see sarcasm has made an alliance with you," he noted, leaning forward on his desk to prop his head on folded hands.
She seemed pleased with his wit and observation, but still she didn't trust him. In fact, she was sure that she didn't like him at all.
"I assumed we were going to be straight-forward with each other," she said, bringing them back to the subject at hand.
"Alright then," the doctor said, reaching beside him on the desk and picking up several boards – ink blots, the psychiatrists called them. He held one of them up in front of Alice.
"A few simple tests. You've done this before, correct?"
Alice nodded slowly – hesitantly. This was a fairly new study. Some doctors used it, and she'd seen it before, but only a few times at most.
"Now. What do you see?"
Alice looked on in disapproval. Obviously, though it was an inkblot, this spread was meant to be of a rabbit. Alice figured any 'normal' person would agree that it looked like a rabbit, so she decided not to make a big deal out of this…yet.
"It's a rabbit," she said calmly.
"What about this one?" he asked, switching boards.
Alice stared at it for a moment, and her displeasure became evident on her face. She rolled her eyes back up to him slowly, looking out at him from underneath half-lids of intolerance.
"Don't think I don't know what you're doing."
"What do you mean?" he asked, innocently.
"You're setting me up, that's what," she accused.
"I am doing nothing of the sort. I simply wish to know what you see," he assured her.
Alice sighed and looked down at the ink blot again. This was ridiculous. Unable to oblige him, she looked up at the doctor with narrowed eyes.
"What do you see?" she asked pointedly.
He laughed slightly, but turned the smear of ink towards himself to glance at it, humoring her.
"Maybe a wild animal of some sort. I was never any good at these things."
Alice glared menacingly. "But you know that's not what I see," she accused again.
"I don't know what you see, Miss Liddell."
"You very well do!" she insisted.
The doctor shook his head, taking off his small glasses and laying them on top of the ink blot he had laid face down on the desk.
"Why are you being defensive? Do you see something that you know you shouldn't?"
Alice said nothing. She didn't know if what she saw meant anything or not. It certainly had no meaning for her, but would he think so? And why was he showing her these? Was she not better? This was ludicrous! He was trying to catch her in something. But she would not cooperate.
"Don't be angry with me, Miss Liddell," he said when she was irresponsive. "I simply wanted to get this conversation started."
"Then just talk to me instead of trying to trick me."
"I see now that I cannot trick you," he said, praising her intelligence.
"'They' should have told you that also," she said with a satisfied smile.
The eyes of the doctor and patient met for a few moments and he stared into her, trying to figure out her secret. He would find nothing; there was no secret there anymore. The doctor sighed finally, lowering his folded hands to the desktop.
"I know you saw plainly a cat in that picture – smiling at you. I may have even seen that myself. I've obviously taken your brilliance for granted, and I apologize. Since you aren't falling for it, I guess I should cut to the chase." "Please do," she urged.
He cleared his throat and began to speak, his words rolling out smoothly as he chose them carefully.
"I have been studying your case thoroughly and you are the only one I have ever seen that has come out of it," he explained.
Alice stared at him strangely. "What are you talking about? Of course you haven't seen anyone else. It's my case."
"What would you say, Miss Liddell, if I told you that the things you have seen, and this 'Wonderland' you have visited, have been seen and experienced by a number of other people, none of which have ever seen the light of sanity again. Some of which have even died in a distant stupor."
She paused, letting the words roll over her mind.
"I would say that you were a liar and a lunatic. 'Wonderland' was in my mind. I invented it. It was my own place, but it doesn't exist. Dr. Elliot helped me to get rid of it. There is no question in my mind now. I was crazed and suffered because of my parents' deaths… "
"Yes," Robertson barged in. "That is what Elliot told you. When, in reality, you have shared these same experiences with many others. I have been conducting studies, but have been unable to gather any valuable evidence. Those suffering from this 'disease' often slip too far into insanity to even gather any type of information from them – until you, of course. You have been the only one recorded to recover."
"So, you want to do tests on me, is that it?" Alice assumed.
"Well, not in that manner. I simply want you to tell me about what you've seen. How did you get there? How did you become free of it?"
"Oh, that's simple," Alice said with a nod.
"Good," Robertson said happily, moving to open a ledger in front of him. "Then we can get star…"
"But sadly, I won't be able to help you," Alice interrupted. "I'm sorry. I am better now. I really don't know anything about that which you have just wasted my time to ask me. This Wonderland…I have no memory of it. But, even if I did, I can't say that I'd help you. I want to get on with my life, doctor. Whatever 'Wonderland' was is not my concern now."
The wall clock chimed and the both of them glanced up at it. The time had passed. This meeting was over.
"I guess your time is up," said Alice.
"This is your choice, Alice, but you haven't seen the last of me," he assured her.
"Then I look forward to our next session of wasted time," she said pulling herself from the chair and exiting the room without looking back.
4
Robertson leaned back in his chair leisurely and watched her walk away. He had not been studying her for this long to have her leave him now, but he smiled to himself as he placed his hands behind his head.
She would be back.