Chapter 4

If it were possible, Kristin actually began feeling worse than she had before, and this only caused Nathan to worry more. She kept coming up with excuses to appease him, but he was beginning to see through them. He knew there was something terribly wrong, and so did she. She just didn't want to admit it to herself or to anyone else.

In a week that seemed more like a lifetime, Nathan noticed how frail Kristin had become. He was absolutely terrified that history was repeating itself, but every time he tried to speak to her about it, she waved him off, which worried him even more. Did she know more than she was telling him? Kristin noticed that Nathan was showering more attention on her, attention that she didn't particularly want at the moment. It took all her strength, but she tried to act as though she didn't feel like hell. She forced herself to get out of bed, forced herself to carry on with everyday activities. This only made her feel worse; she didn't want to pretend, but she didn't want Nathan to worry. She just wanted everything to go back to normal. Finally, the doctor called with the results. He asked her to come to the clinic to see him.

Kristin tried to think positive thoughts as she waited in the waiting room, but it wasn't working. She hoped and prayed that it wasn't anything too serious. Finally, her name was called.

The nurse asked, "So, how have you been feeling since the last time you were here?"

"Not very well, actually," Kristin admitted. "Will the doctor be very long?" Kristin wanted to get this over with as soon as possible.

"He won't be long; I promise," said the nurse.

With that, she left Kristin alone. Kristin hugged herself, trying to calm her fears. She tried to tell herself that there was nothing to worry about. Being irrational doesn't help anyone.

Soon, Dr. Bradley entered the room. "Hello," he greeted her. He sat down. "Well, we have the results of your blood work. Your blood tests show that your white cell count is elevated; also, your CA 125 levels are higher than normal. So, this is what we're going to do. We're going to start with a pelvic exam and go from there."

Kristin knew that CA 125, was a protein found in the body. She also knew what elevated levels could mean. "Do you think I have cancer?" she asked with concern.

"Kristin, you know that an elevated CA 125 could mean a number of things, including a benign tumor or cyst. I don't think you need to jump to conclusions," Dr. Bradley assured her.

Kristin nodded, and Dr. Bradley performed his examination. "Now, I know you won't like hearing this, but it's going to be a few days for the results...you know that."

Kristin nodded. "Thank you, Doctor." But, his words didn't make her feel any better.

Kristin left the clinic and went home. Since no one else was home, she went upstairs. She laid down on the bed and cried herself to sleep.

She woke up to Nathan calling her name.

"Hi, there," he said, "How are you feeling?"

Kristin sat up and rubbed her eyes. "Alright," she said.

"What did the doctor say?" Nathan asked.

"Um, he said that my white cell count was elevated...and my CA 125," Kristin explained.

"What's that?"

"Protein levels present in the liver and kidneys, also in the uterus and ovaries and other female organs," she explained, "so he did a PAP test, and I should hear from him in a few days."

"So, what do you think this is?" Nathan pressed.

"Nathan, I am not going to diagnose myself," she said.

"I'm not asking you to do that," he said. Then he said quietly, "I just want to know what we're up against here, what to expect."

Kristin felt tears sting her eyes. She was hoping this was some kind of nightmare she would wake up from soon. She didn't want to do this; this was not what she'd signed up for. She swallowed hard, trying to get the lump in her throat to subside before she spoke.

"It could be a number of things, mostly benign," she said, her eyes downcast avoiding his gaze.

"Mostly? So you're saying...you're saying it could be...?" Nathan said, his voice quivering as tears came to his own eyes.

"Nathan, don't worry," Kristin said through her own tears, "the doctor assured me that-"

"Don't worry? Don't worry? You expect me to see you like this and not worry? Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell Lucas? Have you even said anything to your own daughters?," Nathan said, "Jasmine and Lucas aren't blind, you know. They know there's something wrong."

"There might not be anything to tell; I just want to be sure before I-"

"You could have at least warned me."

Kristin could hold back her tears no longer; she hadn't meant to be deceptive, but it certainly seemed that way. She was sick and frightened of the outcome, and she didn't want to cause anyone else needless worry if it wasn't necessary.

Nathan didn't want to seem insensitive, but this was really difficult for him. Carol had died suddenly when she got sick, and he couldn't stand to see the same thing happen to Kristin. ''Look, I just can't deal with this right now," he said as he left the room.

The next few days were like torture to Kristin, and they weren't much better for Nathan. Their relationship was strained because of the silent possibility looming over them. Neither wanted to speak of it for fear of making it a reality. Kristin kept pretending everything was alright, especially around Lucas and Jasmine.

Nathan's old feelings of guilt and pain were drudged up, and he couldn't shake them. He loved Kristin; he didn't deny that. He just couldn't handle seeing her suffer, and if their worst fears were confirmed, that would be a given. He tried to be supportive, but he was falling short on that.

Finally, the doctor called. Kristin was grateful that Nathan was at work because, if he hadn't been, he'd probably want to go with her. With the way things were going, she didn't want him hearing any horrible news right now, and she felt it was inevitable. So, again, she drove to the clinic, and waited for her name to be called.

A short time later, the nurse called her name and showed Kristin to a room. "The doctor will be with you shortly," she said with a sweet smile.

Kristin nodded. As she waited, she silently prayed that everything would be alright, that maybe some miracle would happen.

After a short time, Dr. Bradley entered. "Hello there," he said kindly. "Well, Kristin, there's good news and there's bad news."

Kristin took a deep breath.

"The good news is we know what's wrong, and it looks like we've caught it early enough."

Kristin closed her eyes tightly as she listened.

"The bad news is, and I am sorry for this, you have ovarian cancer."