Lucifer didn't speak to John for over a month. He still went to John's school, after a week he returned to sitting with John at lunch, but he never spoke to him. Everyone around them noticed. Lucifer had an easy time holding a grudge, and John showed no interest in apologizing to him or speaking to him. Lucifer wanted very much for it to be thirty years in the future. Then his grace would be out and he could exact his vengeance on John Winchester without having to even touch him.
A week before graduation John was allowed to return to the Men of Letters HQ. Lucifer went with John, but they didn't talk. John went to the library, picked out a book and read. Lucifer sat nearby and watched John. He remembered a few years before, when they first met. There was sheer joy in John's eyes at his sneaking around, and how clever he was to be able to make it. Lucifer knew that John wouldn't try that now. Lucifer knew that John wouldn't risk his chance to be there, not when his days were numbered.
That was how Lucifer saw it, anyway. He got called a 'God Damn Hippie' pretty often now. He just didn't give a shit. War was just a way for kings to play bloody board games. This one, especially, was ludicrous. People around him cited their last big war like that made this one good, but Lucifer didn't see the connection at all. Hearing about World War II and the Holocaust set Lucifer's teeth on edge. This was what his father wanted Lucifer to worship like he worshiped God? No, never.
Lucifer watched John Winchester read and wondered if John regretted his decision. Lucifer saw John as the kid putting the bullet in his brain to get the last word in an argument with his parents. It made Lucifer angry.
Lucifer had only just started talking to John again. It was mostly 'pass the bread' or 'excuse me'. But it was more than there had been in a long time. He wouldn't be able to protect him in Vietnam. Lucifer couldn't go. Besides the fact that he was stuck in the body of a sixteen year old, he probably would get himself killed trying to protect John Winchester. John would try to save him if he screwed up, though.
That thought made a melancholy smile creep onto Lucifer's mouth whenever it came to his mind. Lucifer barely spoke to John during the last months of school. Lucifer always thought John was an idiot and insulted him for his choices. But John would stand in front of a bullet, hundreds of them even, if it would protect 'Samael'.
John's graduation was in the day time. Henry was so damn proud. Lucifer went and he did not say there was no point to be proud. John easily passed. He could have done better. Being proud of John for graduating was like being proud of a baby for learning to crawl. Lucifer didn't understand why everyone cared so much.
John went to a party that evening and Lucifer went with him. It was a goodbye for him too. They all knew 'Samael' wasn't going to school the next year. Even if 'Sam' was only 16, they knew he wasn't one of them. They didn't know what he was, but he'd assimilated into their lives. Maybe one day they would look back and realize how strange he really was and they'd suddenly really think and really worry. But he knew it would probably be thirty years or more passed by then, at which point it would hardly matter.
Lucifer sat back, drank with the others, watched them get strung out. A bunch of them were shipping off in the morning and they wanted their last hurrah before morning came. Something heavy settled in Lucifer's stomach. Why hadn't he thought of it? All of John's friends were leaving in the morning.
"Come with me," Lucifer said, grabbing John's arm and dragging him up to Suzy Tyre's elder sister's bed room. It had band posters everywhere and scarves over the lamps gave the room a red glow that Lucifer knew was supposed to encourage lust for any couple that needed a quiet place to make out. But it looked silly with the pink lacy bed spread and the stuffed animals the Tyre's kept on their college age daughter's bed. He locked the door, setting a bit of grace so anyone who got near the door would suddenly think of something else they needed to be doing.
"I think that's the most words you've said to me at one time in months," John said. He was dressed casually, though he'd clearly come to the party looking for a last hurrah as well. Lucifer wondered how he could possibly have been so stupid to not notice.
"You're leaving tomorrow," Lucifer said, wanting to sound accusing. Instead he sounded desperate.
John looked sad. "Look, sit with me Samael, please?" he asked. He grabbed Lucifer's arm and tugged him down on the bed. They sat near each other and just stared.
"You didn't tell me," Lucifer said.
"You got mad when I told you I was going at all. I was worried you'd tell dad."
"You're not even going to tell him you're leaving?" Lucifer demanded.
"I'm written a letter… I was hoping you could give it to him?"
Lucifer's mouth felt too dry. "You're a real coward, Winchester."
"Yeah, I am," John said. "Will you give it to him?"
Lucifer wanted to punch him for agreeing. This was his big brother- this was Michael's vessel. He wasn't supposed to be a coward. He wasn't supposed to be like this.
"Fine," Lucifer spat. He wanted to stand up and storm out. But in the morning John was going to leave and Lucifer would never see him again.
"Will you come with us in the morning?" John asked. The tone of his voice changed. He wanted something from Lucifer, but Lucifer didn't know what.
"Tim needs someone to drive his baby back home, I take it," Lucifer said.
"He does, but that's not why I'm asking." John was staring at him. That was what John called it when Lucifer looked at him like that anyway. Lucifer looked away.
"Then why are you?"
"Because I'm terrified, Samael." Though John's voice cracked it was the only indication that John was anything but calm. "I'm terrified and I need a good memory before I leave."
"Find a girl, that's what they're for," Lucifer spat. It was obvious that was what he'd come for. Still he shifted closer to John.
"Will you promise me not to come for me? Even if I'm dying? Even if my dad begs?"
Lucifer looked up. He wanted to feel shocked that John thought he would try to save him. But John knew 'Samael' would protect him no matter what, the same way Lucifer knew John would die for him. Lucifer hadn't realized until that moment how much he depended on John. John liked him, genuinely. John knew he was an angel, but treated him like more like a man. It should have pissed Lucifer off and some days it did. But at that moment, in Suzy Tyre's big sister's room, Lucifer was thankful for it.
"Please, don't go," Lucifer heard himself ask.
John's arm slung around him. "I have to, Samael. It's my duty. They need soldiers."
"They don't need you!" Lucifer snapped, pulling away. "You're just one man, they'd got plenty. They don't need you."
John gave Lucifer a look that Lucifer associated with both his father and with Michael. Lucifer hated it, since neither of them looked like John Winchester at all, and there was nothing divine about John. But it was the same look. John looked sad and distant, and a bit fed up like 'why don't you get this?'.
"I need you," Lucifer said. It was true. In order to get his grace out, he needed John's bloodline. But that wasn't what he meant when he said those words.
"Need you too," John mumbled. His hand rested on Lucifer's cheek. Nick was starting to grow scruff, which John teased him for it just being 'peach fuzz'. But John's thumb, rough from the training he'd been taking from Samuel Campbell, traced circles in the coarse hairs.
Lucifer didn't know what to say. John didn't seem to have anything to say either. Lucifer just met John's gaze, looking intently like he knew not to do. John told him not to stare. But it was what he did with John. Maybe that was why he wasn't surprised when John's lips pressed into his.
John was quite the lady's man, which Lucifer always rolled his eyes at. John would end up with Mary Campbell one way or another. Lucifer found human courting to be disgusting. A part of his mind said something about exchanging bacteria and bodily fluids. But Lucifer found nothing disgusting about the press of their chapped lips. There wasn't passion. There was no spark like in books. It wasn't intoxicating. But Lucifer felt something warm sprout in his belly, and he chased after John's lips for a moment before he realized how like begging it was and stopped.
John looked troubled when he pulled back, but his hand was still one Lucifer's face. He was looking at him intently, but he also kept quickly glancing at Lucifer's lips and then looking away. John's face grew redder every time he did that. When he caught Lucifer's eyes and realized he'd noticed John's gaze, John would get redder.
"Is this a sin?" John asked, his voice barely there at all.
"No," Lucifer whispered back. It felt like some great secret.
"Then it's okay," John said. Much of the tension dropped from his shoulders. Whatever latent homophobia had been drilled into John's skull slipped away with a small reassurance from an angel. John trusted Lucifer, 'Samael' anyway, more than he trusted any adult in his life.
John's hands dropped, grabbing Lucifer's hips. John pulled himself closer that way, knowing 'Samael' wouldn't be moved if he didn't want to be. John pressed his lips to 'Samael's again, but Lucifer saw it coming that time and met him half way.
It was just as chaste as the previous one. John had never kissed a male shaped being before, Lucifer knew this. Lucifer had never kissed anyone at all. His veins didn't 'sing with lust'. His world didn't 'turn upside down'. Nothing changed. They'd been moving toward that moment for a while. It just clicked. Their lips felt right when they touched.
Lucifer pulled back this time. He looked at John and felt sad. It was overwhelming sadness. "You're running off in the morning to die," he said quietly.
"I know," John said. His thumbs started to make circles on Lucifer's hip bones.
"Why? If you know, then why?"
John looked into his eyes and Lucifer just wanted to kiss him again. John was already a soldier. Lucifer knew the gaze because it was his own. He could even see it in his pathetic human vessel. He saw it in the mirror. John, if he made it back, would be incredible, a god amongst men.
"Because it's my duty. Duty is what I owe to my friends who also go in the morning. Duty is what I owe to my school that made certain I knew how to think. Duty is what I owe to the Order, so I'll be come home knowing how to deal with hunters and soldiers. Duty is what I owe to the men in my unit who will live if I can use what the Order has taught me. Duty is what I owe my country."
"Honor gets men killed for nothing," Lucifer said.
"Not honor, Samael, duty."
Lucifer looked at John through his eyelashes. "What duty do you owe me then?"
"To come home, to help you with whatever it is you've been looking for all these years."
Lucifer wasn't surprised. They spent the past few years wrapped up in each other's lives. Of course John would see his frustration and agitation. John would know he was waiting for something. John would try to help. Lucifer never lied, not outright. But he felt bad for his lack of truth. He had to push that down. John wouldn't be alive for much longer, what did it matter?
Lucifer leaned, initiating the kiss for the first time. It felt awkward to Lucifer. A part of him wondered why people made such a fuss about kissing. John moved closer as Lucifer tried to open his mouth for air and their teeth clacked together. John laughed and so did Lucifer. And then their lips met again. And they had to pull away to laugh because this time they met too fast and their teeth knocked between their lips and it hurt.
The feeling of sensitive skin on sensitive skin was odd for Lucifer. The nerves lit up, trying to encourage more. Kissing was made to encourage small doses of illness the body could handle: nature's vaccinations. But while he knew what kissing was meant to be scientifically, and what it always meant in books, it was just different in real life.
The laughter surprised him. He'd been so sullen for month and their terrible performance had them both giggling. John's hands were still on Lucifer's hips, thumbs stroking the skin, pushing up Lucifer's shirt in the process. Lucifer had seen John do it was girls and it was only to get into their pants. But this felt like when they held hands, or when John stood too close to Lucifer to tease him. It was just something they would do.
Lucifer tried to kiss John again. Their lips met and they stayed that way for a moment, skin resting against skin. Why didn't it feel awkward? Then they kissed each other, skin moving against skin. Lucifer felt tingling in his chest and he moved closer. His hands found John's ribs and John jumped. Lucifer laughed. He'd forgotten John's tickling spots for a moment.
He grinned wickedly and drilled his fingers into John's side. John jumped and shouted and Lucifer laughed.
"You're dead, old man," John said. His hands moved from Lucifer's hips to spidering between Lucifer's shoulder blades.
"No! John, stop!" Lucifer gasped before being dragged down into laughter. John knew that was the closet space he could get to touching 'Samael''s true form, the spot where Lucifer's wings would be. It was a very sensitive area. And given the right treatment, very ticklish. Lucifer was quickly reduced to shouts and wordless, breathless panting as he tried to wiggle away.
John stopped suddenly and roared with laughter. "Oh God, did you just squeak?"
Lucifer blushed. "I did not."
"You did, you squeak when you laugh."
"Shut up, it's just Nick."
"I have to hear it again," John said as the only warning Lucifer got. Lucifer squawked before the onslaught hit again. He tried to lay down and roll over onto his back so John couldn't reach. This didn't help because then John's hands were trapped under Lucifer's body weight and John's finger dug into Lucifer's flesh more. And okay, Lucifer's laugh went from deep to very high pitched and maybe he did squeak a little.
But Lucifer was not losing. He had his hands frees now. They found John's armpits and started to tickle. Suddenly John was the one shouting, "no, wait." He tried to move away but Lucifer pushed himself down into the mattress to keep John's hands pinned. John dug his fingers in more, making Lucifer scream with laughter and his body involuntarily tried to move away from the touch.
Lucifer wrapped his legs around John's waist to keep him from getting away so Lucifer could tickle more and John couldn't escape. But this made Lucifer's pants rub against John's lap, and Lucifer didn't notice that he'd lifted himself off the bed with the jolt of pleasure. He didn't notice until John's hands got free and tangled in Lucifer's hair.
John's lips found Lucifer's again and Lucifer realized this was the kind of kiss John had learned from women and he got a good idea why humanity for so obsessed with kissing. Lucifer's back arched off the bad, rubbing against John again. Lucifer gasped and John's tongue slipped into Lucifer's mouth. Lucifer closed his eyes, deciding he like it. Lucifer hips moved up again, gasping once more. But this time John pushed his lap against Lucifer was well. That made Lucifer open his eyes.
The warm, throaty noises John made were familiar to Lucifer. Humans made them all the time and John was not a quiet man when he got hot. This was the noises John would made with girls when he liked what they did. Lucifer had one wild moment when he thought he wanted John to make those noises because of things Lucifer did.
This would lead to sex. That was the thought that ran through Lucifer's mind. He could let John do that to him. John came to the party to find a girl to do that with. But John was up there in the room set up for making out with Lucifer and not one of the girls. Lucifer knew he did not want to be one of those girls.
Lucifer has still been tickling John. But when his eyes opened he moved his hands to John's shoulder and pushed him away. Lucifer lay back on the bed and John was still over him. Lucifer's legs were still around John. They were panting hard and staring. John's fingers were still tangled in Lucifer's hair.
John bent back down, pressing his lips to Lucifer's. Lucifer returned his kiss. He wanted to kiss, but the lust he felt in John was not something Lucifer was prepared to deal with, especially not with the timing. John wanted a conquest before he shipped off. Lucifer pushed John away by the shoulders again. John looked thoroughly grumpy. He went back in for another kiss but Lucifer placed his hand between their lips.
"You're leaving in the morning, John," Lucifer said.
"So? It would be cruel to go away and leave you alone to die a virgin," John grumbled. He grinned. Lucifer could tell by the crinkle at the corner of John's eyes, even if Lucifer could not see John's mouth. John's lips and hot breath brushed against Lucifer's fingers, but Lucifer didn't dare more his hand.
John stared at Lucifer for a minute. The ready smile he wore slipped away the longer he looked. John moved one hand to stroke down on of the legs still wrapped around his waist. Lucifer had forgotten they were there. John's hand stayed on his leg like a guide as Lucifer unhooked his legs and placed them back on the bed. John moved from kneeling between Lucifer's legs and Lucifer closed them.
"Then you're just going to have to make it back," Lucifer said. He watched John move and thought John was mad at him for not giving him what he wanted. He wondered why John had stopped then. Lucifer could have gotten away on his own, of course. Maybe that was why.
"Don't make any stupid promises to wait for me," John said. He kissed Lucifer's fingers where they still rested on his face. Lucifer thought that is was one of the most intimate and sentimental thing John had ever done to him. Something twisted in his stomach. Why had John stopped?
"I'll find a hot girl, or something, sleep with her in your name," Lucifer said with a smirk. John laughed.
"You do that." John moved Lucifer's hand away, dragging them both up so they were sitting again. They sat close, their knees touching. John's hand was still wrapped around Lucifer's wrist. They just breathed. Lucifer felt like he really needed to breathe for the first time in his life. Air felt necessary to get his mind to work again.
"I don't want you to go, John," Lucifer said.
"I know, which is why I still need that promise," John said. Lucifer turned his gaze to John. John's fingers twitched over the bottom of Lucifer's palm. It tickled a little, but not so much that Lucifer felt the need to brush John off.
"And if my vessel gets drafted?"
"Maybe someday, but hopefully this will be over by then. I don't want you there, Samael." John looked at Lucifer and Lucifer wanted to laugh. Lucifer was one of the most powerful beings ever created, and one little human worried about him. It wasn't John's place to try to protect him,
"And I don't want you there, John Winchester," Lucifer snapped.
John's arms snaked around him, pulling him against his side. Lucifer's shoulder slumped. He closed his eyes, trying to fight down his emotions when John kissed the top of his head.
"I promise, Winchester. But promise me you'll come home."
"I promise," John said.
Lucifer pulled away just enough so he could look at John. "You better make sure then. It's bad to break a promise to an angel."
"I mean to come home in one piece, coming home alive is small in comparison," John said seriously.
Lucifer knew that was the best he was going to get. So he leaned in once more and kissed John again. John returned the kiss. It was chaste and simple and Lucifer just wished her could stay there with his lips pressed to John's and that the sun wouldn't rise every again. But Lucifer accepted the end and he pulled away.
"Give me your hand," Lucifer said.
"Why?" John asked, but offered Lucifer the one he indicated. Lucifer worked the silver ring John always wore off John's finger. It was his mother's wedding ring. She'd left it behind when she disappeared when John was just a child. Lucifer didn't think John even remembered his mother, but he still wore the ring.
Lucifer pressed it between his palms and concentrated. He didn't have a lot of grace left, but he pushed every bit of it that he could into the ring, with one commandment: protect him. He blessed it too, not sure how much that would do but he did it anyway.
"For luck," Lucifer said.
"More than luck," John said. He took the ring and put it back on. He looked down at it and then back at Lucifer. Their lips meant again, this time for a goodbye kiss. They both knew that Lucifer was going to go with them in the car. And he and John would hug because they could do that in public. But they couldn't kiss goodbye. And then Lucifer would drive the car back and go to Henry Winchester and give him the letter John would hand him right before they separated. This was it. Whatever this was couldn't be, not while John wasn't there.