I own no one

1985

"Where the hell were you?"

Olivia was greeted by Becca's irate tone as she walked into her bedroom, far after everyone else in the house had gone to bed. She jumped and quickly turned on the light exposing Becca sitting on her bed crossing her arms with an angry look on her face.

"You almost gave me a heart attack!" Olivia sniped as she threw her purse on her desk.

After the ER Olivia went to get food to eat with her pills like the doctor instructed. After that she had stayed curled up in the booth for a long while not eating, not talking to anyone, just sitting there with a silent stream of tears running down her face, not ready to face any questions from her sorority sister about her strange behavior earlier so she she was sure they had gone to bed.

Apparently she should have waited longer...

"Yeah well YOU gave ME a heart attack for tearing off your shirt and running out of the house earlier," Becca argued. "Cassie said she saw you walk into the security office and then you don't show up until two AM..."

Olivia rolled her eyes as she went over to her dresser and grabbed her shower caddy. "Cassie needs to mind her own business." She turned to look at Becca who was still sitting on her bed. "So do you for that matter."

"...Wow so that wasn't bitchy at all..."

"Funny because it was meant to be," said Olivia as she went into her closet and grabbed her shower shoes.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Becca snapped, half in anger half in bewilderment. This wasn't Olivia. This wasn't Olivia at all. Even as a pledge she would be the girl the older sisters went to to talk about whatever they wanted. She had this natural ability where you just wanted to open up to her about anything from school issues to boy trouble to more serious things you might not have told anyone else and she would happily sit and listen and offer advice and do whatever she could to help the other members of her sorority.

"Nothing okay, I'm fine," she lied as she grabbed her towel. "Just leave me alone."

Becca stood up from the bed and stood in front of the door. "Tell me whats going on and tell me now."

"Get out of the way, Becca, I need to go shower."

"No."

"...Yes."

"No! Okay you're acting REALLY weird, tell me whats going on."

"Its none of your business!" Olivia barked at her feeling her temper flare up.

Ever since she discovered the bruises she had felt him touching her, clawing at her, felt his lips on her... She needed to wash his touch off her, his kisses his... Everything. All she wanted to do was scrub what felt like a second foreign skin on her and her so called friend was refusing her this one thing.

Olivia was so sick of people telling her what to do.

"Tell me what is going on, Olivia!" Becca demanded.

"No, now move!"

Olivia tried to side step her but Becca grabbed a hold of her bruised wrist and pulled her back.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" Olivia screamed, wrenching her hand away and tripping over her dresser as she backed up as quick as she could, crashing to the floor along with the stuff in her shower caddy.

Becca stood in the doorway, her eyes wide at what had just happened.

"Liv?" Becca began as gentle as she could, placing a gentle hand on Olivia's shoulder to try to comfort her.

"Don't!" Olivia yelled, slapping the well meaning hand away.

Becca felt tears well in her eyes as Olivia quickly scrambled to her feet before grabbing the purse she had thrown on top of the dresser and stormed out of the room, down the stairs and out of the house with a loud slam of the door to signal that she had left the place she had called home for the past year.

...

Olivia felt her heart slam against her chest as she rode the familiar elevator to the third floor. She hadn't even stepped foot on this block since she had her friend drop her off at Sienna a year ago. She felt her heart beat wildly against her chest, her breathing was nothing but a nervous pant..

She didn't want to do this. She told herself she would rather die then come back here after she left yet here she was, back in the building that from the outside no one would have ever suspected the violence that happened behind closed doors.

But Olivia had to see her. Right now she was the only person in the world who would know what to do, who knew exactly what she was feeling...

The elevator gave out a gentle ding as the doors slid open and Olivia stepped out. She could barely walk she was shaking so bad as she headed towards the familiar door. Stopping in front of it Olivia stared at it for a long minute before, her hand trembling to the point she had difficulty even moving it, she raised and knocked.

The second she did she wanted nothing more then to bolt down the hallway, down the stairs and forget this whole idea. Seconds passed and the urge to run was stronger than any other feeling but she forced herself to stay where she was.

Several more moments passed and Olivia had just decided to turn back and go crash on one of her friends couch instead the locks from inside untumbled and the door opened.

"Olivia?"Serena Lola Benson, the person she both hated more than life and loved more than anyone else, said with a slur in her words, swaying as she spoke. "What are you doing here?

Of course Olivia thought bitterly. Saturday night. Why wouldn't she be drinking?

This was a mistake.

Nerves failed her and she wrang her hands as she tried to stammer out to her mother that this was a mistake, that she hadn't mean to come.

Serena's bloodshot eyes glanced down and she saw her daughters hands fidgeting and she saw it.

"Olivia," Serena's voice spoke, quickly silencing the teenager. "Where did you get that bruise?"

She glanced down and noticed her hands were in full sight and she quickly tried to hide them behind her back but it was too late.

Serena grabbed Olivia's hand and yanked it from behind and looked at the bruise for a long moment, her face morphing into one of horror. The same markings that were now on Olivia's wrist were the same ones she were given to her that unforgivable night almost twenty years ago...

"Don't!" Olivia cried as tears filled her eyes.

"Olivia..." Serena began, her usually stern voice shaking like a leaf, tearing her eyes away from the bruise to look in her child's dark colored eyes so unlike her own light green ones. "Tell me what happened to you and tell me now."

The teenager lasted all of half a second before she broke down and an ugly sob escaped her lips. Without warning Olivia threw her arms around Serena's neck and sobbed into her shoulder.

Serena held her daughter as close as she could, her own tears escaping her eyes as she slowly stroked her thick dark brown curls, a universe away from the dirty blonde hair of her mothers.

"It's alright, Olivia," Serena whispered softly as Olivia's sobs rocked both of then. " I'm right here, My Love... I'm right here..."

PRESENT DAY

"Come on, My Love," Olivia prompted as she and Noah sat on the couch while she read to him. "Say, 'Jack and Jane played ball'."

"Play ball."

"No, Sweetie... Jack. And. Jane. Played. Ball."

"Play ball."

As Olivia played trains with the young toddler, Tucker took the liberty to make dinner for the small family. Then afterwards, and two more glasses of wine under her belt, she gave him a bath and now the two of them were on the couch while she read to him and attempted to get him to work on some of his speech issues.

Olivia sighed as she rubbed her temples, already feeling a monster of a headache coming on. This day had turned into one big nightmare after another.

Noah was smart. Olivia knew that for a fact. He knew his colors and shapes, he could point out various objects, he understood was what read and said to him… Sure when she had gotten him it had taken her some time to catch him up on his milestones but eventually he had hit every single one and he was entirely on par with the rest of his age group, even excelling in some areas.

Except for his language skills. It had taken him twice as long to say his first word as other children and now it seemed like he was mixing up his words or forgetting them entirely, no matter how much Olivia spoke or sang or read to him.

At first she thought it was cute but now she wanted nothing more than for him to be caught up.

Tucker glanced over from where he was doing the dishes to watch them for a moment. Olivia never lost her patience with Noah, especially not when it came to the way he spoke. She would usually work calmly with him for twenty or so minutes at night before she read him a story without Noah having to participate in the reading.

Tonight though the lessons had gone on not even ten and she was showing signs of frustration.

"Come on, baby," Olivia said, struggling to not let her impatience show. "Just like Mommy; 'Jack and Jill played ball'," she repeated, slowly enunciating and pointing to every word in the book so he could understand it.

"Play ball."

She was done.

Olivia threw the book on the floor hard, the thin paperback ripping as it hit the edge of the coffee table.

Noah pouted as he looked up at Olivia. "Ripped book."

Tucker quickly abandoned his spot in front of the sink and came over to them, stunned to find Olivia with her face in her hands.

"Come on, little guy," he told Noah without taking his eyes off of Olivia. "I'll read you a story and tuck you in okay?"

Olivia shook her head as Tucker went to reach for the toddler and held him closer. "No. He still has ten more minutes of speech work to do."

"Let me put him to bed, Liv" Tucker told her gently, watching as she took another sip of the wine in front of her. "I'm sure you'll do better if you just get some rest, he had a long day..."

"He has another preschool interview in four days, I have to get him ready."

"Liv, he's tired, he-."

"Stop trying to tell me what to do with my son!" she barked at Tucker, glaring up at him. Once again Tuckers voice faltered as Olivia closed her eyes and shook her head.

"The books ripped," she announced to no one in particular. "I'll buy him a new one tomorrow."

She started to stand up with Noah in her arms, an almost unnoticeable sway in her steps.

The IAB Agent swallowed hard, knowing his next words would probably get him yelled at again. "Want me to get him?"

"I'm fine," Olivia insisted, but as she took her first few steps away form the couch she stumbled and would have fallen face first, with Noah hitting his head on the rather sharp corner of the glass coffee table to boot, if Tucker didn't grab onto her arm and somehow manage to wrap his other arm around her waist and keep both her and Noah from falling.

Olivia's eyes went wide with shock and horror as she stared up at him as the realization dawned on her just how close she came to Noah getting seriously hurt.

It would have been because of her. Because she had been drinking...

"Ed," she whispered just loud enough for herself to hear. "Noah.."

"It's alright," he told her, his usually gruff voice as soft as he could make it as he steadied her on her feet and took Noah from her, this time without an argument. "Noah's fine, he's not hurt. He's okay."

That reassurance didn't stop the tears from filling her eyes as Tucker led her by the arm to sit back on the couch.

"I'm gonna go put him to bed," Tucker told her, this time without leaving room for an argument. "Then I wanna talk about this when I get back..."

Olivia nodded, kissing the small toddler on the forehead. "I love you, Noah," she whispered to the young boy. "So much..."

"Too love you, Mommy," Noah answered back before Tucker took the boy into his bedroom.

Olivia sat on the couch shuddering. She can't believe she did that. She could have hurt him... She could have hurt him so bad because she had been drinking...

How could she do that to him?

She wanted to take another drink. She wanted to down the entire bottle until she forgot what Ben Taylor did to her, the fact that she almost hurt her son, the fact that for however long 'temporary' was is how long she would have to watch him boss around her and her detectives, those smiles that he and Rollins exchanged...

She wanted to drink until she forgot everything. But she wouldn't. Because she wouldn't turn into her... Noah had been the one to save her from her drinking after Lewis. She had gone down a wine soaked rabbit hole that she didn't know how to crawl out of until she watched that little boy sleep peacefully in her apartment. She poured every last bottle down the drain that night.

Then when Joe Utley happened she had fallen again, but this time Tucker was there to save her before she fell into too deep again.

She curled her legs up underneath her and listened as Tucker told Noah a bedtime story and kissed him goodnight.

He walked out of the room and sat down next to Olivia, leaning forward and putting his hands together.

"I know... that you're upset," Tucker began, unable to look at his girlfriend as he confronted her. "But Liv, drinking to the point of almost hurting him-."

"I know," she interrupted. "I know, I should have just given him to you..."

"Not just that but... babe, you gotta stop relying on alcohol when things go wrong."

Olivia looked over at him but didn't say anything. "With your... your parents history, it's not a good idea for you to turn to a wine bottle whenever you get upset, especially about your job."

"It's not just the job," she argued. "It's..."

"What?" Tucker asked gently. "What is it?"

Olivia bit her lip for a moment before she shook her head. "Nothing. It's nothing. You're right, I need to lay off the wine."

Tucker look unsatisfied with her answer but nevertheless stayed quiet as she grabbed her half full glass and went to the sink, hesitating a moment before she dumped it out. He got off the couch and walked over to her, wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her in closer, gently swaying her.

"I love you, Olivia Margaret Benson," he told her with every bit of sincerity he possessed. "And I love your son. I don't wanna see either of you hurt."

"I love you too," she told him with a soft smile before she hugged him, her face falling the second her arms were around him.

God she wanted a drink...

…

Barba walked into the precinct with one hand in his pocket and the other hand carrying his briefcase.

Like most times when he wasn't here on official business he bypassed the rest of the Detectives and headed straight for Olivia's office.

With the exception of one...

Carisi was bent over his desk working diligently on paperwork and Barba went over to him, leaning over his shoulder and looking like he was reading what Carisi was working on.

"Still coming over tonight?" Barisi muttered, barely loud enough for the detective to hear.

A smile tugged on the corners of the detectives lips and he nodded, not looking up from his paperwork. "Want me to pick up Chinese before I come over?" asked Carisi, still appearing like he was working on the file in front of him.

"No I'm good. Besides..." Barba sat on the edge of the detectives desk, glancing around quickly before he answered. "I'm in the mood for Italian tonight..."

Not giving the detective a chance to respond Barba hopped off the desk and, with a light pat on the shoulder that any passer buyer would mistake for an innocent friendly touch before he headed into Olivia's office the same way he had done for the past 4 years, without knocking on the door.

"Hey, Liv, I got theater tickets for- you're not Liv."

Barba narrowed his eyes in confusion as he looked at the man sitting behind Olivia's desk who was talking to a smiling Rollins.

Taylor smiled sweetly at the ADA and cleared his throat. "No I'm not. I'm Captain Ben Taylor, I'm relieving Lieutenant Benson of her command temporarily."

Taylor stood up and offered his outstretched hand but the lawyer ignored him.

"Relieving her? Why? What happened, is she okay?" Barba demanded, feeling his heart jump into his throat. The last time someone outside the squad had relieved her William Lewis had broken out of prison and gone after his best friend.

"She's fine," Taylor assured him with a friendly smile. "1PP decided that they wanted to make sure the Lieutenant could be in a romantic relationship with Captain Tucker without it interfering in her command so they put me here as a temporary command, just until they can be sure there won't be any conflicts of interest.

"They already cleared her," Barba argued. "Why are they making her go through hoops again?"

Realizing the ADA wasn't going to take his hand anytime soon Taylor sat back down.

"To come back to SVU, yes, but not command the squad again. Look she's second in command, she's still working at SVU, it's only temporary... They just wanna make sure she can properly do her job."

"She can," Barba snapped.

"Barba, take it easy," Amanda told him. "It's not the Captains fault he got transferred here. Besides you were the one who turned her in to 1PP in the first place."

"It's alright, Amanda," said Taylor with a friendly smile towards the blonde before turning back to an irate Barba. "Look I'm sorry, Counselor... I understand you and Lieutenant Benson are very good friends, but getting upset with me for taking this opportunity isn't going to benefit anyone. We're going to be working together very closely for the next few months. Now," Taylor stood up again and stuck out his hand once more. "What do you say we start over?"

Barba just looked at the hand bordering on disgust for a moment before he turned and walked out.

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