What Becomes of Us

Chapter 4:

Dark Memories

I silently watch him fast asleep.

His head leans on his bended right arm and the other is stretched, resting on his hip. Now that's quite a view he offers me!

I lie behind him, hugging his frail body with my stronger one. I have taken my white cape off and it covers both of us now. It's not as warm as a bed would prove, but at least we're not freezing. Strange how cold it is at night. Maybe because Duscae is a mountain region? The sunlight may be pleasant, the meadow may be a wonderful place for walking, but the night sure isn't anything like this. I glance at the opening of the cave. Fog has gathered in the distance, blanketing everything that could have been seen. It's as though my sight were blurred. I can hardly make out several trees… and if I force my eyes a little harder I recognize a large body of water – the lake, inhabited by two giant Catoblepas. I don't know whether they're still there or not. Thus, I slowly get up on my feet to check out the surrounding area. How much time has it been already? Hopefully Ace won't be late. I have to save Noctis. I can't let him die now, when I've finally found him! Looking back at his sleeping form, I smile as I fix my cape on his body, trying to cover as much as possible of his open skin. I haven't told you yet that his clothes are ripped here and there. For instance, gone are his sleeves, he has claw traces on his chest that bared it in three places. Not to mention his back, where the shirt is completely absent. Just a thin piece of fabric hangs by his sides. My cape had better keep him warm! I've seen old wounds on his back and I shiver at the thought he'll scarcely recover. Seriously now, he looks like a lingering corpse. I bite furiously on my lips. It hurts me to think of this. It hurts me to think how desperately he fought to stay alive these past five days. Somewhere inside my mind I picture him: running, leaping over rocks, holding his hands together while drinking water from a waterfall, groaning as he stumbled over bushes with stinging spikes, the blood left on his skin, the tears in his eyes…

May it be an evening star

Shines down upon you.

May it be when darkness falls

Your heart will be true.

You walk a lonely road.

Oh, how far you are from home!

Etro help me! I whisper 'I'll be back' to the sleeping prince and make my way outside of the cave. Hmm, the air smells lovely. I close my eyes, recalling the conversation I had with Ace.

Noctis pleaded me not to go too far. I chuckled, assuring him that I'll be fine. Once my transmitter blinked green, signal gathered, I remained on the top of some steep rocks (I'm absolutely positive I have no idea how the heck I reached that place) waiting for somebody to answer.

"Akademia, come in please!"

After a while, it was the commandant whose voice I heard.

"Yes, headquarters here."

"Sir! Machina Kunagiri speaking."

"Kunagiri? Have you found the target?"

I cursed the commander in a hushed tone (I would have been dead if he had heard me), with my eyes shut tight.

"U-Unfortunately no, sir. We need more time. And backup. And supplies. My team and I are starving."

Well, the truth is, the two guys I shot the other day couldn't have obviously been hungry (I hope they are burning in Hell right now), but somebody was! Furthermore, that 'somebody' being my dear Noctis, I had to make haste! My apologies, commandant, I've lied to you. Shame on me. Curious, though. I don't feel shamed at all, ha!

"We will send another searching party to your approximate position." he roared in my ear with his awkward voice.

"N-No, please hold on! We could do with Class Zero's special assistance."

I tried to sound as helpless as possible, as if begging for his mercy, my tone horrified and I even coughed once or twice to make him see I really needed Class Zero. They were an elite force that was not often deployed, but kept for emergencies and serious cases.

"Sir, if I may, can I ask you to put me through with cadet number one, Ace?"

Silence at the other end. Damn it, he was becoming suspicious!

"Soldier first class, Machina!" he shouted, freaking me out.

"I have high expectations from you. Your task is to find the missing prince. I certainly hope you stick to it."

"Yes, sir! But this is nature we're dealing with. My team and I are doing our best to track him down. We just need more time and more men."

I suddenly remembered Noctis had been food-deprived for days.

"Oh, and if thou pitied us, humble soldiers, please send us some food supplies, or else we'll die of hunger before finding the target. This place called Duscae is enormous."

Ok. Then I really felt shamed. I called myself 'humble soldier' while addressing the commandant in the most honorific way. I facepalmed myself.

"Very well." he said, pleased at last.

The next thing that I heard was Ace's worried voice.

"Machina? You almost never call. Has something happened?"

Thank goodness the line was private and no one else could hear us.

"Ace. I'm so glad I got the chance to talk to you. I need help. Fast."

His tone rose immediately.

"Are you hurt?"

"No, not me. You see, I've found the prince. He's dying, Ace. If we don't help him, Insomnia won't have a future king anymore."

And I will lose my best friend. However, I didn't say that out loud.

"The prince? I knew master Idola wanted him alive."

"You don't understand. I can't take him there. I want to save him."

"B-But your order was to..."

"I don't need any reminders. I've made my decision."

"Machina, master Idola won't tolerate this. The sentence for treason is death. I don't want to lose you."

"Neither do I, Ace. Trust me. I need you to come here. Bring food with you, some clothes and bandages too. He's also injured."

"What about your mates? Do they know you set out to help him?"

"I shot them."

After that, I didn't hear Ace's voice for a while, just interference from my transmitter.

"Machina, this is dangerous stuff you're doing." he finally stated, "Are you sure you have full control over your schemes?"

"Yes, Ace. And I will explain everything to you. Please, just come here. When you do, I'll tell you all you have to know."

"You're complotting behind Akademia's back."

Then, I exploded.

"Listen to me as hard as you fucking can! There's a young man here, dying. Do you get that? D-Y-I-N-G."

I spelled the letters for him, hoping he would understand.

"What's more, he's not just the prince of Insomnia, the one who that blasted Idola is looking for, he's my best friend! Yeah, I'm quite aware that while at war we don't have time to make friends, but COME ON, ACE! I live and breathe air as we speak because of him! Because his father, may Etro rest him in peace, took pity on me and took care of me! I was like a second son to him. Noctis was my brother. He offered me a roof above my head and food for my starved stomach! He offered me a chance when I had none! He saved me from death! You see why I can't surrender him to the empire? Please, be the reasonable Ace I once knew and come here at once. He'll die otherwise. I won't be able to bear that on my conscience."

Taking in deep breaths, I succeeded in quenching my lungs. The little hope that was left for Noctis hung by Ace's reply.

"F-Forgive me, Machina."

What the hell?! He decided to give up on me?

"I didn't know the prince did so much for you. Yes, I'm leaving Akademia right away. I won't forget to take bandages, food and clothes with me. Can you tell me your approximate position?"

Oh, I felt so relieved! So relieved that I burst into laughing (sad laughing). How dare Ace pull up such a prank at me? In times like this?!

"If I can? Of course I can. We're in the Duscae region, somewhere near a big lake, up on some rocks. We took shelter in a cave here. If Noctis can walk, we'll climb down to you. However, I doubt that he'll be able to make a single step, considering his condition."

"Copy that. Stay strong! I'll be there as fast as I can."

Transmission out. But I kept whispering to myself 'Please, please make haste.'

So that was my conversation with Ace.

I sit down, taking in my surroundings. Try as I might, I don't think of Noctis's pain, but I simply can't help it. I feel heavy guilt smashing my heart. So many years have passed... I was about to forget Noctis completely… I would have told myself I had always lived in Niflheim… I would have always worshipped that sad excuse of an emperor! Noctis is the one who brought me back to normal life. I realize what I've been missing out on all this time.

Affection. The need to touch somebody.

Not as to hurt them, like a soldier would think.

I feel the urge to caress the one I love. However, can I still remember what love is? They have only trained me to kill. To hold a gun in my hand and press a bloody button in order to take someone's life. To press my fingers on their neck while holding them in place – to choke them if I were to be weaponless. For now, I may not know what love is. I have discovered hate, though. Raging hate towards my 'so called' master: Idola Aldercapt. Do you want me to explain this feeling? It's something that eats you alive, then spits you out. Engulfs you once again only to give up before swallowing you. Frustration. Calamitous, violent frustration – that's what hate is. That voice you hear inside your mind which coaxes you to take revenge. To torture your enemy until their last breath. Yes, my anger has awakened. As soon as I go back to Niflheim, I'll give that bastard what he really deserves! I was a child when he asked me to join the army. He made the most of my naivety! Clenching a fist, I swear to myself I will set the score one day.

Suddenly, I reach out with my hand to grab my leather pack. I find the zipper, open it and rummage for… Oh, hell! Where did I put them?! Ah, there! I take a cigarette out. To be honest, I don't smoke too often, but when I do, it means I'm sad. Being a magic wielder, I can do without a lighter. I rotate my fingers, casting a small fire spell. Enough to lit the cigarette. Its tip becomes orange, then shifts to red as I smoke it. Hmm, I've missed this feeling. My lungs must be intoxicated by now. I'm surprised my voice hasn't got husky. Has it been 2 years since I've started smoking? Yes, something like that. It happened when I was camping with my colleagues. They were all elder than me, always debating a load of nonsense. For instance, whether girls should let hair grow between their legs or not. Or what the average size of an erect penis was. See? Nothing but bullshit. I used to smirk at them whenever they asked my opinion.

"Y'know, I'm not quite into this kind of talk."

"You should be! We're not on mission, so you'd better take advantage of that."

"In my spare time I like to read and train."

"In our spare time we like to fuck and smoke."

I was stunned. Were these soldiers I was talking to?

"Y'know, Kunagiri, our master pushes us too hard. We've had enough of battles. We want to taste the other side of life."

"We're cadets. Fighting is what we do."

"Right now, we're in the mood for a sexy party!"

I must have been 15. My colleagues and I were gathered before a camp fire. My ears hurt from their nonsense. It was right there when my then-virgin-eyes watched a sexual intercourse in action for the first time. Those bastards called their 'girlfriends' to come over… and when they did… I was shocked like never before.

"You see that, Kunagiri, that is what we call a pussy."

I merely nodded. I couldn't speak.

"And this here is a cigarette. Y'wanna know how it's done?"

"What? Smoking?"

"Yeah! It's so relaxing. Rather soothing after a day of work. Care to try one?"

"Does it actually relieve your mind? Does it ease your suffering?"

It's not like that dude cared. Anyway, he smiled as he handed me one:

"Ha! It eases it alright!"

And that's how I smoked my first cigarette. Onward, I pondered again of Noctis. How disappointed would he be if he found out what I'm doing! Yet here I sit, stupid me, blowing gray smoke out of my mouth. I shake my head in sadness, hissing, before bringing the cigarette to my lips.

I hate this.

I hate the situation I am stuck in.

I hate the fact that it's beyond my powers to help Noctis.

My thoughts then weave off towards the day I experienced sex for the first time. Don't be fooled. It was anything but pleasant. I was 16 then. I was reading quietly in the library when my colleagues arrived, shattering my peace.

"Yo, Kunagiri! We have some business with you, man."

"What is it?" I asked, completely unprepared for whatever they had in mind.

"Come and see."

I made sure to leave a bookmark on the page where I left off. After that, they led me out of the room and back to our military school. I so wanted to know why the hell they were doing that if I had my spare time. Though I kept silent because I was afraid of them. Like I said, they were elder than me, holding a lot more well-grown muscles than I did at that time.

Once we reached our destination, they pushed me inside the male closet. I didn't even have time to think. When the door closed, three pair of arms were all over me. Squeezing, pinching, rubbing… I demanded them to stop, but the leader nonchalantly reclined himself against the door in order to make me believe I had no escape. And no escape I had. They didn't take off my clothes. Instead, they ripped them off my body. I screamed at that. Fear was kicking in.

"Let's see what you've got." somebody said.

They held me down on the ground. Uncountable hands ran through my hair, pulling hard on it. Others grabbed my neck. Others clawed my chest, leaving red bruises. I remember I cried so loudly!

"Nice lips you have there, boy. The things you could do with them!"

One of my classmates mashed his mouth on mine, his tongue forcing me to accept being kissed. Hell, it was so brutal! I tried to break free, but suddenly, another hand grasped my…

"Would you look at this, guys?" a voice resounded as I felt my penis being rubbed.

"Ohoho! I had one which was the exact same size… ten years ago!"

Laughter exploded around me and I could only think of how badly I wanted to die…

"Nah, you're too harsh with him. He's not even hard yet. Give the boy some time."

They tortured me for an agonizing eternity.

"Now check this out, Kunagiri. This is true manhood."

The next second, I had his tremendous 'manhood' in my mouth. Immediately I made an attempt to force it out.

"You should be honored to suck my dick. Not everybody has the privilege to do that to a general!"

'General?!' I stared at him with evil eyes, praying that the flames of Hell will devour him when the time for judgment comes. He claimed a fistful of my hair, bringing my head forward, then pushing it backwards. I don't think I wish to recall the rest. All that is left for me to say is that… I woke up on the marble floor, feeling cold and scared. Nobody was there. Nobody to caress me. Nobody to offer me their shoulder so I could cry. I gritted my teeth, sticky white fluid gushing out from between them. I screamed at the abuse. I punched the floor without receiving any cure for my pain. Those bastards left me alone, covered in their own semen. My only luck that day was that it had got dark and I wasn't seen as I made my way out. When I stepped inside my room, wrapped in some spare clothes, I just let myself fall on the bed and cried until my tears stung my eyes. Until my breath was raspy and ragged. I swore I would have my revenge. They used me as if I were a lifeless toy destined to satisfy their savage needs. They fucked me as if I were a cheap whore. Enough! From now on, I will be strong. I will be able to protect myself and the ones I love.

This brings me again to the present. So many black memories. I've almost finished my cigarette. I press it against the ground, where I leave it. My mouth might smell awful right now, but with all this stress I needed to smoke. Perhaps it's become a habit? I look at the sky. No airship can be seen. Not even a sigh that Ace is on his way. My eyes are moist when I raise a hand to wipe some tears. I truly feel lost. Wouldn't the stars above tell me which is the right way to go? They would know, having watched the lands from up there for centuries. Wouldn't they have mercy on Noctis and help him survive just one more night?

Oh, Noctis! What's happened to my mind?

I rush inside the cave. The prince is still asleep, not moving a muscle. I flinch as I picture him already gone, but fortunately I hear his calm breath. No, death can't have him yet!

I lie down next to him, without moving the cape from his body. After all, he needs it more than I do. Tightening my arms around the prince's waist, I begin to whisper a prayer. When I'm about to thank goddess Etro for keeping Noctis strong so far, I hear a heart-melting, pained moan.

"S-So hungry…"

"My dear? Are you awake?"

Darkness has come.

Believe and you will find your way.

Darkness has fallen.

A promise lives within you now.

I slowly turn his face to meet mine. Dear Etro! The color of his skin has almost faded into an unhealthy white. His lips are dry and no longer red. The small light in his eyes is the only proof that he's still alive, dangerously balancing on the edge of life and death. A terribly thin hand rests on my cheek. I do my best not to shout in fear, because I feel hard bones touching me instead of soft skin.

"Machina, if I die tonight… Please, there's something I need you to do. I may not be there for my people…"

"Stop it! Why don't you save your strength? Don't say another word!"

I pull him into my arms.

I kiss his forehead.

I gently brush his hair.

I do anything in my power to postpone his end.

"…So hungry, Machina."

My goodness, he's gotten worse than I feared.

"Oh, please!" I shout at him, "Don't give up! I have so many things I want to tell you. Noctis, hang on for me!"

"It's good to know you're here, by my side."

"I'll always be. I promise."

"Can I ask you something, dearest Machina?"

"Yes. Shall I give you…?"

He stops me in middle-sentence.

"A kiss. On the lips, please."

I smirk before reaching down to fulfill his wish. Noctis makes an effort to lock his hands behind my neck as he leans his head to left. I follow his pattern as our tongues meet, tasting each other. Argh! To think that he can smell the odor of tobacco on me… I rub his back with a hand, while the other is playing with his hair.

May it be the shadow's call

Will fly away.

May it be you journey on

To light the day.

When the night is overcome

You may rise to find the sun.

"Noctis, I don't know what I'd do if I were to lose you again!"

I see his end drawing near. No! No! No! Embracing him, I sense his heart barely beating anymore. It has no power left.

"Machina, I love you."

Eventually, I burst into tears.

"Don't tell me that! I know what comes next."

However, it is a wonderful sound that which I hear now. Yes! How I've waited to… He's here. He's finally here! I recognize the engine of the airship.

"Ace! Ace, pick up the pace!" I call out to the sky, "Noctis, help is coming right now."

The prince smiles weakly.

"You haven't given up on me."

"No, and I never will. I'll be back, sweetheart."

As quick as a flash, I run outside and no sooner do I start to climb down the rocks than I am greeted by a close friend. His voice revives my soul.

"Machina, I'm happy to see you."

"Me too, Ace."

We give each other a friendly hug.

"Took forever to find you." the blonde says, "But I remembered you mentioned some lake and here I am."

I grasp his shoulders in fear.

"This thick fog must have been the cause. Now quickly. Let's take Noctis out of here. He's not doing well. He needs medical attention and fast."

Hope still lingers even in the core of despair.

A promise lives within you now.

I can't believe I actually made Machina smoke... :( Please don't kill me .

But I'll also be the one who makes him give it up. (Or better said, Noctis will be the one)