Chapter Four

It was weird for Ste, being back in Brendan's life. Their first few days together were quiet but unstrained. Once Amy returned they had to meet at Brendan's instead to avoid her remarks. It wasn't ideal but at least their relationship wasn't a secret anymore. Ste wasn't even sure if it wasa relationship. He didn't really expect anything in particular; he just wanted to be near Brendan in a way that didn't end in tears.

Things were far from ordinary however. They had both been in very dark places for the last few months and it was difficult to let go of all the frustration felt on both sides. Ste recalled their first few encounters when Brendan had emerged from prison and how confusing they had been. It seemed surreal now that they were getting on so well; there was still a lot to deal with but Ste was feeling positive.

"Ste, can you help with the shopping?" Amy asked from the doorway, holding several shopping bags. Ste jumped up, pushing his thoughts aside. "Where's your head at, hm?" Amy raised her eyebrows suspiciously. She was watching him like a hawk since she'd been back. Ste thought she felt guilty for leaving him and giving Brendan a chance to speak to him. He wanted to explain to her that it wasn't like that but he knew she wouldn't listen.

"Buy much?" Ste asked lightly, pulling items out of the bags.

"I panicked" Amy explained. "It always feels like we run out too quickly"

"That's because of this belly monster" Ste tickled Lucas who was sitting on the floor. He giggled happily, holding out his arms for Ste to pick him up, which he did.

"Are you here for dinner?" Amy asked casually but Ste could see right through her.

"I'm not seeing Brendan tonight, if that's what you mean"

"Oh?" Amy feigned surprise.

"Ames, drop the act"

Amy sighed, smiling at him. "When will you be seeing him again?"

Ste shrugged. "I don't know"

"When it suits him I bet" Amy murmured.

"It isn't like that" Ste said, exasperated.

"What is it like then?"

"Can we not do this?" Ste glanced down at Lucas whose little smile began to fall.

"I like Brendan" he said quietly, turning his face into Ste's shoulder.

Ste smiled cheekily at Amy. "I'm glad someone does"

Amy rolled her eyes. "As long as you know what you're doing…"

"I do! Nothing's happened, not like that"

Amy's face scrunched up in confusion. "Then what are you doing?"

Ste looked away, embarrassed. "We just sit, talk occasionally. Sometimes we get takeout"

Amy looked at Ste doubtfully. "You sit? That's it?"

"Well, sometimes we…" Ste blushed. "Sometimes he holds me"

Amy's expression softened deceptively for a moment. "Well, I suppose that's alright. Just be careful, okay? I do worry"

"I know you do, and I will" Ste leant forwards to kiss her cheek. "Everything will be alright"

"I trust you" Amy said warmly. "But-"

"I know" Ste rolled his eyes. "Aren't you going out soon anyway? You'd better get ready"

"You sure you don't mind babysitting?"

"Course not. We'll have fun, won't we, Lucas?"

Lucas nodded enthusiastically. Ste lowered him carefully onto the floor.

"What will you do?" Amy asked, bustling around the kitchen for her purse.

Ste shrugged. "Watch some telly, nothing exciting"

"If you need me-"

"I'll be fine" Ste sighed.

Once Amy had left, Ste ran a bath for the kids, read them a story and tucked them into bed. He had just settled down on the sofa, remote in hand, when he heard a persistent tapping on the door.

Frowning, Ste stood up, walking towards the door slowly. "Who is it?" he hissed through the letterbox.

"It's me" A surly Irish voice intoned.

"Brendan? What are you doing here?" Ste opened the door, crossing his arms in annoyance. "The kids are asleep"

"Better shh then" Brendan placed a finger over his lips a little clumsily.

"Are you drunk?" Ste asked incredulously.

"I don't like yer tone" Brendan mocked, attempting to step through the doorway.

"I've got the kids!" Ste protested, grabbing Brendan by the hips to hold him back.

"Oh, Stephen ye-" Brendan began suggestively.

Ste clamped a hand over his mouth, pulling him inside. "If you're coming in you have to sober up"

Brendan rolled his eyes. "If ye insist"

"I do! Why are you even drinking like this?" Ste could smell the whiskey on his breath.

Brendan shrugged, stumbling to the sofa with Ste's support; his arm around his waist. Somehow Brendan managed to pull him with him as he collapsed onto it. Ste wondered if it had been intentional. It was the closest they had come to being intimate in a long time. Ste flushed visibly, attempting to extricate himself from Brendan's limbs which seemed to be scrambled with his own.

"Stephen" Brendan said, mockingly serious. "Yer hand" Ste brought it away hastily as though burnt.

"It wasn't deliberate"

"Of course not" Brendan rolled them into a position so that Ste remained on his lap, Brendan's arms around his waist. "That's better"

"For who?" Ste shot back, irritable.

"Have I upset ye?"

"Yes! Turning up here, drunk and disorderly. I've got kids here, me"

"I'm sorry I just-" Brendan coughed uncomfortably. Ste looked into his face, searching.

"What? What happened?"

"It's nothing" Brendan shook his head, his voice gruff.

"Brendan-" Ste reached out to touch his face but Brendan flinched away. "What is it?"

"Nightmares…" Brendan trailed off. "They keep coming. Can't sleep, can't think…"

Ste swallowed hard. "But the other night? We slept-"

"Together" Brendan said dazedly. "But alone…no, it's no good" Brendan wasn't making a lot of sense but Ste got the gist of it.

"You're saying the nightmares stay away when you sleep with me?"

Brendan looked at Ste, unfocused. "I think…yeah"

"Well that's a pretty lame chat up line isn't it?"

Brendan chuckled, shaking his head. "When I was inside…and all I saw every night was-" Brendan cut off, looking fixedly away from Ste. "Ye are here, solid flesh, in my arms. Somehow it's a comfort" Brendan held him that little bit tighter.

Ste sighed, his hands on Brendan's shoulders. "You can only stay if you let me sober you up"

"Alright. Deal"

Ste got up carefully, knowing that Brendan let go of him reluctantly. He went to the kettle first, making a black coffee which he handed to Brendan.

"Drink" Ste instructed, walking out of the room to the bathroom. He turned the tap, adjusting the shower head attached to the taps. They didn't have a proper shower so this would have to do.

Walking back to the living room, Ste helped Brendan to his feet and led him to the bathroom where he stripped him and made him sit in the bath as he poured water onto his head, waking him up. It wasn't long until he began returning to his normal self; shaking his wet hair like a dog and glaring at Ste.

"That's enough, Stephen"

Ste turned off the water, towelling Brendan's hair dry. "Better?" He asked, somewhat amused.

Brendan merely grunted in reply, whipping the towel out of Ste's hands. "Was more fun being drunk"

"I'll bet"

There was a silence in which Ste realised that Brendan was naked and that he hadn't seen him like this for a long time. Since he had been released from prison his body had changed; he was more muscled, particularly in his arms, and generally bigger than Ste remembered. Ste wasn't sure whether to be aroused or afraid.

"Liking the view?" Brendan asked smartly, reaching for a second towel. "If ye wanted to get me naked, Stephen ye only had to ask…"

"Shut up" Ste said, smiling in spite of himself.

Brendan wrapped the towel around his waist, leaning a little on Ste to step out of the bathtub.

"Someone needs to buy ye a proper shower"

"We're fine" Ste sighed. "Are you alright now?"

"Mm" Brendan replied vaguely. "Embarrassed myself a bit didn't I?"

"Of course not" Ste said, looking at the floor instead of at Brendan's bare chest.

"Something wrong, Stephen?"

"No"

Ste felt fingertips on his chin, tilting his head up. "Does this bother ye?"

"Why would it?" Ste asked tersely, avoiding Brendan's gaze with difficulty.

Brendan chuckled low in his throat, releasing Ste's chin. "I'll get dressed"

"Thanks" Ste said with relief, wincing as he realised how that sounded. "I mean-"

"Don't worry about it" Brendan said, amused.

Ste walked towards the door. "I'll give you some privacy"

"Wait" Brendan said, grabbing Ste's hand. Ste felt a tingle up his spine at the contact. "I'm sorry I came round like this"

"It's okay" Ste muttered. "Do you…do you want to stay tonight?"

Brendan looked at Ste sharply. "Ye want me to?"

Ste shrugged, feeling embarrassed. "It would be nice…if you want to"

"Amy won't mind?"

"She isn't here but anyway, it doesn't matter"

"Ye sure about that?"

"It's my place too" Ste replied, a little petulant. "So will you?"

Brendan pulled Ste towards him by the hand he was still holding. He raked his fingers through his hair, his fingertips lingering on his face. "Yeah. Yeah I will" he said softly. Their lips were inches apart. Ste stared down at Brendan's, fighting the urge to kiss him.

"I, uh…" Ste stammered. Brendan was so close.He could practically feel the bristles of his moustache against his upper lip.

"Daddy?"

Ste jolted away from Brendan, his attention turned to Lucas in the doorway.

"Oh, mate what's up? Can't you sleep?" Ste opened his arms to him, picking him up. Lucas shook his head unhappily. "I'll read you another story, yeah?"

Lucas shook his head again, pointing over Ste's shoulder. "I heard Brendan"

Ste turned around to look at Brendan.

"Did I wake ye, wee man?"

"No" Lucas said. "But read to me"

"Lucas, Brendan doesn't-"

"I'll do it" Brendan cut across him. "Here, give him to me" Brendan had put a shirt on in the process.

Ste handed him over wordlessly, watching Brendan walk out of the room with him. He followed them to Lucas' room, sitting beside Brendan on the edge of the bed.

"What story do ye want?" Brendan asked Lucas.

"Make one up"

Brendan glanced at Ste, his lips twitching in amusement. "Alright. There was once a…Prince" Brendan was smiling now. "He had dirty blonde hair and big blue eyes" Ste sniggered, causing Brendan to elbow him. "And um, he had a son. A little kid, yer age"

"And what did this Prince do, Brendan?" Ste asked teasingly.

Brendan shot him a look. "He worked with this man, who wasn't the nicest of men" Brendan said. "But the man looked after the Prince-"

"Did he love him?" Lucas piped up suddenly.

Brendan was taken aback. Ste stared at him. "He did" Brendan eventually said. "Very much. They had a lot of battles to face together but they always came out triumphant"

Lucas' eyes began to droop. "And they lived happily ever after?"

"Of course they did, son" Brendan said gruffly. Ste took Brendan's hand, squeezing tightly as Lucas drifted off to sleep.

"Thank you" he mouthed. Brendan shrugged, standing up. They walked out of the room quietly. "You're just a big softie really, aren't you?" Ste teased as they closed the door behind them.

"Tell no one" Brendan said, mock-serious.

Ste smiled, suddenly finding the situation awkward. "About what just happened-"

"Can we not?" Brendan sighed. "My head's killing me"

Ste rolled his eyes. "Hangover settling in early?"

"Something like that"

"Should we just…go to bed then?" Ste asked awkwardly.

Brendan smirked. "Well-"

"Bren" Ste warned.

"Yeah, please"

Ste walked to his bedroom door, Brendan following. He hastily tidied a few things away. Brendan hadn't stayed round in a while; he rarely did anyway.

Brendan stared at Ste's bed, probably thinking the same thing Ste was.

"It's a bit small…" Ste said, coughing awkwardly. "I can sleep on the sofa?"

"Don't be stupid" Brendan said, offhandedly. He stripped out of his shirt, dropping his towel to the ground.

"Brendan" Ste whispered, averting his eyes.

Brendan gave an odd little shiver. "I do like ye saying my name like that"

"Shut your mouth!" Ste said teasingly.

"Why don't ye shut it for me?" Brendan purred, walking towards Ste.

"Hey I thought you had sobered up!"

Brendan wet his lips. "I am sober"

Ste backed away a few steps. "You're doing that predatory thing where you growl and look at me all funny as though I'm supposed to drop my pants"

Brendan cocked an eyebrow. "Aren't ye going to?"

"No" Ste said, unconvincingly. Brendan had reached him now. "There should be rules-"

Brendan leaned forwards, placing a careful kiss to Ste's lips. Immediately Ste felt a rush and he knew Brendan felt it too when he pulled away, looking at Ste in some surprise.

"I'd forgotten how good-"

"Yeah, whatever" Ste said, grabbing him and kissing him fiercely. Somehow they tumbled onto the bed, Ste's clothes practically flying off in their haste.

"Stephen" Brendan groaned, kissing down his neck. Ste tangled his fingers in Brendan's hair, tugging hard.

Brendan flipped their positions so he was lying on top of him. He stroked a line down his face, cupping his cheek.

"Beautiful" he murmured huskily, as if to himself. Ste's eyes rolled back as Brendan moved down his body, kissing, licking, teasing. It had been so long; Ste was more than a little overzealous in his desire for the Irishman.

Ste found himself with his legs wrapped around Brendan's neck, Brendan's hand resting for support on Ste's chest. It was an intense position; particularly because of the way Brendan's eyes burned into his skin; almost as though he were memorising every new fixture of Ste's body.

Ste was suddenly overwhelmed by the situation. Every time they did this he couldn't quite believe a creature like Brendan was doing this to him. He was everywhere; his presence was suffocating but in such an intoxicating way that Ste relished it. He often wondered how he could possibly be enough for Brendan but in every gaze and stroke he knew Brendan wanted him, needed him even.

The climax was sweet and heady. Brendan almost collapsed on top of him but slid to his side at the last moment. He threw his arm across Ste's stomach, as he was wont to do. It wasn't as possessive as Ste remembered it being; or perhaps he was so used to Brendan's little quirks that it all unfazed him.

"Did we just cross a line there?" Ste asked, breathing heavily.

"What do ye mean?" Brendan asked.

"We were getting on so well and then suddenly we're all over each other like it's-"

"Inevitable" Brendan finished. He sighed. "I can't help it" he said softly, turning his head to the side. "Just look at ye"

Ste turned away, blushing. "You're mental, you are"

"True, but I still want ye"

"I gathered that" Ste replied dryly. He turned back to see Brendan staring at him intently. "What?"

"We'll be okay won't we, Stephen?" There was a strange glint in his eye, one of sadness and fear.

Ste tucked himself against Brendan's body, curling up as he often did. Brendan wrapped his arms around him.

"We'll worry about that tomorrow" he said softly. Brendan could only hold him tighter in response.