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Ch. 4 Moving On

It's only been twenty-four hours since my confrontation with Ashley but it feels like an eternity. Her words are still seeping into me, further hardening my heart against anyone who dares to touch it.

I know I'm changing. I've gone through so many changes the past two years and up until Ashley returned from Paris I was proud of every one of them. Now I wonder if she was really right. Maybe I did expect too much out of her.

I feel warm fingers intertwine with my own and I look up to see her looking at me. She's studying me in that intense way she has, like she's memorizing every moment because she might not get the chance again.

She gently cups my cheek and I know she senses I'm thinking of Ashley. I'm cheating her, I know I am. I'm not whole anymore and she deserves bitter than that. Carmen deserves so much better than me in my shattered state.

"You're so sad Spencer. You make me want to chase away all your demons and make you feel safe."

I grin solemnly and wrap myself in her comfort. I'm being selfish. I'm grieving in her embrace and it's not fair but I so crave comfort. Every one of my friends stares at me accusingly because I've dared to defy Ashley, but not her. Not Carmen. In her eyes I see the person I crave to be. In her eyes I'm still wounded but maybe just a little bit stronger and a little less dependent.

I reach up and brush her bangs out of her eyes and just like that we've moved to something lighter. Carmen grabs my hand and leads me to our pre-planned night on the town. I am almost looking forward to the comfort of Club Gray. Within those walls I know who I am. I can embrace all my experiences there and be the person I truly want to be.

Carmen grabs us a table near the corner of the room and nods to the bar indicating she's going to get us drinks.

I watch her walk away with her confident, cocky swagger and I instantly know she's going to be my unraveling. Given time she's going to break down my defenses and break my heart. The cocky, confident brunettes are my greatest fantasy and my worst enemy.

I scan the club and see Ashley attached to Aiden on the dance floor. I can't really pinpoint why but I'm jealous of Aiden. Actually, if I think about it I always have been. The easy way Ashley opens up to him and folds into him like an old familiar blanket. I used to crave that kind of closeness with Ash. I would have settled for a fraction of that comfort.

I observed that same ease tonight. Ashley calmly succumbed to his embrace and I felt a small tinge of sadness pull at me. And then there she was again, grabbing my hand and leading me to the dance floor. She leaned in impossibly close and caressed my arms gently, easing the Ashley and Aiden tension with just one breathy reassurance in my ear that it would be okay.

That's the moment I did it. I chose to be over Ashley and explore Carmen. Carmen whose soft words and gentle caresses were slowly healing the ache that Ashley so carelessly left within me.