I Will Be Strong
AN: This chapter is long overdue... however, I think you'll find a lot of chapters popping up after this!
Disclaimer: I do not own D Gray-man, Katsura Hoshino-sensei does.
I think I told you once before – my loved ones are my entire world. It's like the people dear to me are jigsaw puzzles, and no matter how unlike each other they may seem, they magically fix together to create my life and my world. If even one of the bright spots vanished, the entire illusion – because it's really just that – would fall apart.
Yes, no matter who was lost, my world would collapse. But how badly it collapses – that depends on the particular person. And the loss of you has shattered my illusion beyond repair.
As an exorcist, I shouldn't be able to afford having such lovely, childish fantasies. I dreamed that we'd all end up with our happily ever after, and I dreamed of finally telling you how I felt – how I still feel. I was going to tell you that day, but then... then...
It was supposed to be over! The war was finished, we were all free – the total ecstasy of the victory intoxicated everyone. You remember how Lavi got up on the table and danced, and how Jerry couldn't stop cooking? You remember how Kanda actually shook hands with you? We were just one big mass of happiness that day.
It was too perfect. We should have guessed that something would go wrong, that something would mar the perfect occasion. We just didn't realize how badly we'd be jarred out of our happy little world.
They found you in the hall leading to the library, your throat slit. The Finders suspect suicide. Timcanpy probably has evidence, but no one has been able to find him since then.
Why did you want to end your life, Allen? Was it really that bad, being with us... being a part of our family? Were we that detestable to be around? I always thought you were the most joyous person I'd ever met, even after all the burdens that were placed on your fragile shoulders.
I was numb for a little while. That time didn't last for long. When the intense shock had ebbed, I went insane. I screamed at brother, at Lavi and Bookman and Kanda and everyone. Why hadn't they been with you? Why hadn't someone seen what had happened? Why had they let you leave the dining hall alone?
Why did they let you die, Allen? If only...
I sat beside you for two days and two nights. No one had the courage – or the heart, I suppose – to move me. I rested your cold head on my lap and looked down into your small, pale face. The dead do not look peaceful – I've learned that. They look, well, dead. And how could death have been peaceful for you? You were so young!
I experienced a variety of dark thoughts during those two lonely nights, Allen. My jigsaw puzzle had come apart spectacularly. My world was broken, scarred with a long wound that could never be healed fully. I didn't know why I wanted to survive.
I realize now that my morbid thoughts were foolish. If I had... ended my life, what would my brother have done without me? Who would deliver coffee to him? Who would laugh at Lavi's lame jokes and who would scold Kanda?
I do not think of myself as so essential to the lives of these people, but I know I would have hurt them terribly. They had already been devastated by your loss, and I certainly didn't want to add more grief to their lives.
So I'll stay here, Allen. And once in a while, I'll get up at night and move out of my apartment block, to roam the corridors of the now-abandoned Headquarters – the halls where you once walked, and lived, and dreamed.
AN: 625 words. Poor Allen. D: