A/N: So sorry for the delay in this update! I was planning out the rest of the story, but I've done that now so updates should be pretty regular. IN FACT - the next chapter is already done and I'm kind of excited to post it so please please review and maybe I'll post it by the end of the week :) OH! Some of you have asked if I've read Divergent and the answer is yes, this is definitely inspired by/will have distinct parallels to Tris/Four and that wonderful story by Veronica Roth (I HIGHLY recommend everyone go read it like NOW lol) I really love that story and I swear Tris/Four can give Peeta/Katniss a run for their money in my shipper heart lol. ALSO - if you missed it, I posted a very smutty one shot called 'Control' the other day, so go check it out.
Finally PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE go follow me at "love is all we really need to survive" (remove spaces) and then put in dot-tumblr-dot-c0m. I'm cross-posting all my work there in case anything gets taken down. I love to interact/share sneak peaks with my followers there ;)
At school the next day there is nothing I can do to suppress the silly, ecstatic grin on my face or the giddy, childlike joy I feel.
I keep replaying our kiss in my mind over and over again. The way his lips felt so soft against my own and the warmth that spread through me like slow melting honey from his touch. When he held me against his body, when his blue eyes stared right through me, I knew that I was already too far gone. I never imagined I would feel this way, I didn't even know I could, and now I don't know what I'd do without it.
It's too easy to just forget about all the fear and worries I had before, now that I know what it feels like to kiss him, now that I know what it feels like to be wanted in this way, now that I know what I would be missing out on.
Sitting in class seems even more pointless than usual. I draw absentmindedly on my notebook and look out the window and daydream. For the first time ever I'm not thinking about being out in the woods hunting.
A small part of me chastises myself for being some silly, dumbstruck girl obsessing over a boy, but I can't help it. I've spent so much of my youth being the mature and responsible one, thinking about providing for my family and taking care of my obligations.
It only seems fair to let myself enjoy this.
After school that day I show up to the training session early, my stomach clenching in anticipation as I look around the multi-purpose room for Peeta. I see him talking to Haymitch in the corner and we lock eyes.
He shoots me a smile and I grin back at him before looking away, feeling like if I keep looking at him any longer everyone will realize our secret. I look back in his direction a little later and Haymitch glances over at me, watching me carefully. I flinch under his scrutiny and decide to keep myself busy until the session starts.
We have agreed to keep it a secret for now. With the Capitol Competition still going on people would think I was getting special treatment if they found out. I want there to be no doubt, if I can manage to win this thing, that I did it on my own without anyone's help.
As the room starts to fill up with my fellow competitors I realize there are no weights or weapons of any kind. Well there are knives, but they aren't the throwing knives from the other day.
When training starts I stand in the back of the crowd as usual, but this time with the intention of keeping my distance from Peeta. I feel like just being near him will make it hard for me to focus, will give away my true intentions.
"So as you know last week we worked on strength, hand to hand combat, and weapon proficiency," Peeta begins, his arms folded across his chest. "This is our last week to prepare for the official competition so we're going to move onto survival skills which is the other main thing you'll be judged on."
Haymitch throws the bag he was holding over his shoulder onto the ground in front of us. "Here's your task for the day," he grumbles, surly as ever. "Don't think you're keeping them after this is done though."
Everyone looks around in confusion, wondering what he is talking about. Then Peeta steps forward and opens the bag. He pulls out a dead squirrel.
Some of the Town kids actually flinch. I almost laugh.
"You each get one of these and a knife," Peeta explains and I know this is my time to shine. "They need to be cleaned and prepared before the session is over."
Everyone steps forward to grab their squirrel. Some of the Town kids, the ones who have never had to scrounge for their next meal or been reduced to eating squirrel, look like they are going to faint. They hold the squirrels at arm length and get green in the face.
I step forward and take the biggest squirrel I can find, grabbing a knife and then moving off to the side. I'm glad there is finally something I can do with confidence. I know what Peeta said about not showing my strengths too early, but I still want to build some confidence before the official competition begins.
I sit off to the side and get to work. I remove the head and tail and guts with ease, throwing them off to the side carelessly. I am about to start skinning the body when I realize that I'm being watched.
I look around and see practically all of the boys around me glancing in my direction. None of them have even touched their squirrels. They sneak sideways looks, trying to pick up on some tips without being too obvious. I can't help but look back at them smugly, proud and encouraged to so clearly be the best at something finally.
I am done skinning my squirrel just as everyone else finally gets started. Peeta walks up to me with another squirrel and hands it to me. I don't try and hide my grin.
"Good work," he says, his own smile just as wide as mine. "Try another one."
"This is too easy, Mellark," I joke, feeling more confident than ever before at one of these sessions. "At least give me a challenge."
He doesn't say anything, only laughs in response and walks around to inspect everyone else's work.
"What do you expect? She's from the Seam," I hear an annoyingly familiar voice say just as Peeta moves out of earshot. "She probably has to make a squirrel last for a whole week just to eat dinner."
I look over at Karrick a few feet away and feel my temper go off. "Shut up!"
"See it's true, that's why she's so mad," he laughs.
"You're just jealous because you're an idiot and you have no clue what you're doing and you're going to fail this part," I retort as more people start to perk up and watch our unfolding fight.
He flushes and grips the still clean knife in his hand tightly.
"Don't insult me, Seam brat," he grits through clenched teeth. Clearly I've hit a sore spot for him.
"Rich little Town kid who can't do anything useful," I add on, anger taking over. "You're too dumb to have any worthwhile skills."
"Shut up!" He screams, his face bright red, a vein starting to pop out of his forehead.
"Make me!" I yell, hands on my hips.
And before I know what is happening I see the shiny metal of his knife twirling through the air at full speed in my direction. I feel it whip past my head where it grazes my ear and then sticks into the wall behind me.
I look over at him in shock, my heart pounding out of my chest. Everyone in the room has gone quiet, looking between the pair of us. I don't know what to do or say. I see his eyes slowly start to lose the mad, glazed look he had only moments earlier as he starts to realize what he did. He still doesn't move.
"What the hell is going on here?" Haymitch asks, moving between us as he catches sight of the knife next to my head.
Peeta appears by his side moments later. It doesn't take him long to realize what happened. He looks between the pair of us, eyes widening as he catches sight of the knife near my head.
"Oh my god," he breathes out in horror, moving towards me. He pulls the knife from the wall and then gently reaches up and touches my ear. He pulls away and his hand is red with my blood.
He turns and pounces on Karrick, moving so fast and with such purpose Karrick cowers and attempts to back away. He puts his hands up to shield himself from Peeta's wrath, but he is too slow. Peeta grabs him by the collar of his shirt and turns him, slamming him against the wall.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Peeta yells and I watch dumbstruck, unable to move or do anything.
"It was an accident!" Karrick whimpers.
"You don't accidentally throw a knife at someone!" Peeta screams and his tone is unsteady. Finally I move forward, wanting to reach out and stop him, but I am still in shock myself.
"I'm sorry!" Karrick grimaces as Peeta's hold on him tightens.
"Sorry is not good enough," Peeta yells and I realize he has lost control. He looks beyond livid, he looks like he wants to snap Karrick's neck.
"Please..." Karrick groans, struggling to break free, reduced to the whimpering coward he is.
"I should throw you out of this competition for attacking another competitor," Peeta tells him. "You're scum."
Finally, it is Haymitch who moves forward and touches a hand to Peeta's back. He convinces Peeta to let him go and Karrick scrambles away from him immediately.
"It's okay, kid," Haymitch tells Peeta, looking at him strangely.
Peeta is breathing hard, trying to regain his composure as he looks up and locks eyes with me. I blink away the tears.
He moves towards me, reaching out to touch my bleeding ear again. His body is so close to my own, his face only inches away so that we're breathing the same air. I close my eyes and let myself relax a little, enjoying the comfort his presence brings.
"Let's take care of this," he whispers and before we go I catch sight of Haymitch watching us, his eyes curious and suspicious.
The next day Peeta and I are enjoying a day off from training. I usually use this free time to go hunting, but Gale and I brought back such a good haul the other day I decide one day off won't hurt. I am also eager to spend as much time with Peeta as I can.
My ear is healing, the cut wasn't too deep, but Peeta still frowns when he catches a glimpse of it when my hair gets pushed back.
It's after school and we're spending our afternoon alone together. It took some convincing to get Peeta to go outside the district fence, but the promise of us having hours to ourselves completely uninterrupted was enough to help him get over his initial trepidation.
We don't go too far, only about 50 yards or so past the fence. I find a soft circle of grass in between a cluster of tall trees that provide shade from the sun.
We sit side by side, our backs against a tree. We don't say anything for a little while, we just listen to the sound of the woods, birds chirping and animals scurrying about.
Peeta reaches over and takes my hand in his. I can't tell if I'm trembling for nervousness or excitement. Probably a bit of both. I look over at him and smile shyly. He's very good looking, eyes a deep blue, blonde hair that is perfectly messy, broad shoulders and arm muscles so strong I couldn't wrap both my hands around one of them. More than that though, I know the kind of person he is deep down. That, more than anything, makes me drawn to him, makes him have such an affect on me.
"You ready for next week?" Peeta whispers, as if not to disturb the tranquil feel of this moment.
"I hope so," I shrug, unsure of my chances realistically.
"You'll do great," Peeta offers, tugging on my hand so I turn to face him.
"We'll see..." I return and Peeta frowns like he is going to chide me for my lack of confidence.
I don't want to talk about the Capitol Competition at the moment though. I just want to focus on being here with him. The competition may have brought us together but I don't want it to be what defines us. I want him to be more to me than just my instructor of the training phase.
I lean forward to silence him by pressing my lips to his. My mind goes blank when we kiss. I can think of nothing other than how good this feels. His hand comes up to cup my face and I feel warm all over.
We kiss softly at first, just our lips pressed against each other. But then his mouth parts slightly and his tongue gently reaches out to stroke mine and I'm lost. I wrap my arms around his neck, running my hands through his hair. I moan as our mouths open deeper, letting our tongues explore further.
It is as good as I remember and all I want to do is keep kissing him. Sitting here together, kissing him like this, is the first time in my life I've ever felt so good, pure sensation and pleasure and nothing else. When I kiss him I don't have to worry about taking care of anyone, I can just let him hold me and lose myself in this feeling.
After a moment he shifts us so I am lying on my back against the grass and he is hovering over me, holding his weight to one side as we continue to kiss. Quickly, things become more heated and I suddenly can't pull him close enough to me.
His entire body is pressed up against mine. He moans and pushes his hips against me. I feel something hard pressing through his jeans and my heart starts to race. I am both scared and intimidated by the intimacy and the passion between us. I realize that there exists something between us that is intense, something that makes me want him in ways I don't really understand yet.
He breaks away to catch his breath. He presses kisses to my shoulder and I sigh contently.
"I don't think I could ever get tired of kissing you," Peeta says, pulling back to look at me through hazy eyes.
I smile up at him and brush some hair away from his eyes.
"Me neither," I agree, thinking of how he always seemed so untouchable in my eyes, so clearly out of my league.
"I kind of can't believe this is really happening," I admit, feeling almost like I'm in a daze.
The weather is warm with just the perfect gentle breeze, the woods, silent and still, are like our sanctuary, and when I look up at him his face blocks the sun from my eyes, creating a kind of golden halo around his head. This moment has a surreal, dream-like quality to it that makes me want to stay in it forever, that makes me want to pour my heart out to him and never let go of this feeling.
He grabs my hand and kisses my palm.
"What about when people find out about us?" I whisper, my fears easier to voice in his arms when I feel so content.
I am worried about people finding out about us because of who we are and where we're from. He is the Town's golden child and I'm the poor girl from the Seam.
He frowns in confusion and hesitates for a moment. "What about it?"
"You know what..." I mumble, not meeting his eyes.
He pauses and then takes a deep breath. "I don't care what people say, Katniss. I only care about you."
I feel the tension ease from my chest just a little. I still have my doubts, but I feel a little better knowing that he feels that way.
"I care about you too," I say and join our lips together again, getting lost in sensations that are too intoxicating and overwhelming to ignore.
I walk into the multi-purpose room for one of the last training sessions before the official competition starts next week. I glance around the room in search of Peeta and I spot him talking to Madge Undersee. My chest tightens uncomfortably. I look away from the pair and move to drop my things off on the side of the room.
I try and push away the anger and jealousy that courses through me at just the sight of the Mayor's daughter. She has always hung around with Peeta, I know that. Even still, I can't help thinking back to the way she confronted me the other day, essentially telling me I wasn't good enough for him. I don't even know what I'm jealous over anyways, I have no claim to Peeta, he isn't mine. We haven't talked about what it is that we are to each other or what it is exactly we are doing.
I can't help it though as my eyes dart through the crowd of gathering boys and I notice they're still talking. Madge reaches out and slaps Peeta's arm playfully and I feel the sudden urge to twist her arm behind her back until she squeals.
Eventually the boys start to get restless and Haymitch has to call Peeta to get his attention that it is time to start training. I feel relieved, waiting for Madge to leave, but she only follows Peeta over to the group.
"Okay so as you know this is one of our last days to prepare for the official competition next week," Peeta begins, but I'm only staring at Madge, standing off to the side behind him. She keeps her eyes glued to him, a small smirk on her face as she listens to him talk. "Today you can practice whatever you want, strength or survival skills, whatever you think you need the most work in."
The crowd of boys around me break into hushed conversation, clearly sharing what skill they want to revisit today. Before he loses their attention, Peeta calls out to the group one more time.
"Oh and I want you guys to meet Madge," he says as she steps forward and stands by his side. "She has volunteered to help advise you guys on the interview portion you complete at the end of all the competitions."
Madge smiles and waves before immediately looking back at Peeta. I roll my eyes and look away. I do not need her advising me on anything.
"We have to do an interview?" one of the younger boys speaks up.
"Yes, everyone has to do a short 5 minute interview with their evaluator. Nothing special really," Madge answers for Peeta, that superior tone of voice she always uses annoying me to no end. "They just want a chance to get to know you and get an idea of who you are and why you chose to be a part of the competition."
Peeta looks around the group waiting for any more questions or concerns. After a few moments of silence, he excuses us to go work on what we see fit. I immediately move across the room, putting as much distance between myself and Madge as possible.
I work with the weights and the punching bag for a little while, relieving a little tension and trying to improve my strength. I am tempted to go work with the bows, but I know that is not something I need actual practice with. The other weapons, the throwing knives and swords, are currently the most popular, with just about every boy lining up to use them.
I make myself freshen up on survival skills and work on building a fire. It takes me several tries before I get a spark going, but then it tapers out before I can spread the flame. I groan in frustration and let my eyes roam across the room.
There are only about three of us working on survival skills. Every other boy is either lifting weights or working with weapons. Haymitch is drinking from his flask and moving from station to station, cracking jokes and making observations. I see Peeta and Madge standing together across the room, deep in conversation.
I furrow my eyebrows. Why are they still talking? Isn't Madge suppose to be advising people? I shake my head and try and clear the petty and jealous thoughts from my mind.
I get to work on sharpening some stray pieces of branch and try to replicate one of Gale's snares. I am seated on the floor, tying a rope to one of the branches when a soft voice in my ear makes me jump.
"Nice work."
I jump and look back at Peeta who is crouching down over me. He runs a hand down my arm and I can't help it when I shiver. I look around the room nervously. He is being more affectionate than he knows he should.
"Not here," I whisper, even as I lean back into his touch.
He just laughs and rubs my arm before pulling away. I think we're okay. Everyone seems to be too preoccupied working on different skills.
I take a sigh of relief and turn back to start working on my snare again, not noticing the pair of eyes having just watched the scene between Peeta and I unfold.
Later, towards the end of the training session, as I am working on combat moves with the punching bag, Peeta makes an announcement.
"Okay guys, we're almost done for the day," he shouts across the room, "if you haven't talked to Madge about your interview prep make sure you see her before you leave."
I let out a groan of frustration. There is no one I want to interact with less right now. I'm tired and sweaty, annoyed by her presence, uncomfortable with the way she was talking to Peeta earlier, and still angry about the way she spoke down to me the other day.
I clean up a little bit and then begrudgingly make my way towards her. I stand awkwardly off to the side as she talks to another boy. She glances at me over his shoulder and offers me a tight smile.
When they finish I pretend not to notice and she approaches me and gestures me over to the side of the room. She flips her hair and crosses her arms in front of her chest.
"I just want to tell you I think it's so great you're the only girl doing this," she begins, a fake smile plastered across her face. She speaks like we're best friends, like she doesn't usually look at me like I'm the dirt on her shoes.
"Uhh thanks..." I reply, not really looking at her.
"I think for your interview maybe you should tell your evaluator a little bit about why you're doing this," she suggests.
"What do you mean?" I ask in confusion.
"Just you know...talk to them a little bit about what it's like being from the Seam. How hard it is to get by, not having enough to eat and those kind of things." She smiles, her eyes bright, but the malice behind them isn't hard to see. "Tell them about how much winning the prize would help with your...situation."
I swallow the lump forming in my throat, my emotions ready to boil over.
"My...situation?" I repeat, my voice hollow and my anger evident.
She stares back at me with that same fake smile, unflinching. "Well, yeah...you know, coming from a lower class in society. That kind of thing."
I stare back at her coldly, not wanting to let her see she has gotten to me. I take a moment to compose myself.
"I'll keep that in mind," I smile politely, making sure she sees the hatred behind my eyes. "Thanks for your help."
I turn on my heel and walk away from her. I know this is what she wants. She wants to get to me, but I am stubborn as hell and I refuse to let that happen.
I walk straight over to Peeta who is in conversation with Haymitch. I place a hand on his back to get his attention and smile as he looks at me. I look back at Madge and offer her another smile before redirecting my attention solely on Peeta.