It's Different for Girls
Staring at the ceiling in the dark,
Same old empty feeling in your heart
'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast
When we arrive back at Gale's home, Hazelle nearly loses all composure to the sight of her son's battle weary face and the back story that came with it. Certain peacekeepers would come bursting through the door at any moment demanding her son's head. It went without saying, people in the Seam weren't allowed to lay a hand on those that can afford to live in town, not for any reason. Or the punishment would be swift and merciless.
It took several frantic minutes of reassurance and explaining the situation Gale and I convince Hazelle that no one would be coming for retribution. After cleaning the smeared blood from Gale's face and getting him a cool cloth for his swollen eye, Hazelle promptly rounded us up, and we were on the move before I ever knew where we were headed.
If I thought the first half the day had been a whirlwind, nothing could have prepared me for what came next. I find the three of us marching over to Katniss's new house in the Victors Village. Like a herd of wandering sheep, Hazelle leads the way with Posy in toe, Gale close behind, myself just a step behind him, while Rory and Vick lagged behind. As we arrive we're greeted by an old stone fence that doesn't enclose the village, but rather dies in a sudden awkward fashion.
This is the farthest I've ever been to this place. Never daring place this point, never venturing further into a place that always struck as creepy. We pass under the iron arch at the center of the fence, following the pebble path that leads into the village. It's an eerie and depressing place, maybe it's because too few people live here, and most of the windows are dark and lifeless. The moment I step here, my heart sinks just a little.
The homes are luxurious at first glance, but uniform. Twelve grand homes, made of solid white marble that only money buys. The homes look stronger and better built than the other ones in district twelve. Only fitting for someone who was strong enough to survive the arena. Victor's Village is a sight to see for its grandeur, but almost worth missing for its gloomy feeling. I find myself fascinated by this ghost town until golden locks distract me from its wonder and my eyes meet Mrs. Everdeen's, the secrets we share passing between us with a glance.
As we're ushered inside, I find myself mesmerized by the delicate detailing of Katniss's new home. At the sight of Gale Mrs. Everdeen ushers us into the room she's sectioned off for her apothecary healing. I can't help, but soak up the pearly white walls with ornate crown molding, elegant wooden stairs, soft cushy carpet, and rooms bigger than whole homes in the Seam.
When I finally get my bearings, I notice Gale is seated in a chair while Prim hands him another cool cloth for his swollen eye, and Mrs. Everdeen applies an ointment to Gale's split lip. A homemade concoction that from the look on Gale's scrunched upper lip doesn't taste as good as it heals. Posy is scrambling up onto Gale's lap as Prim and her mother finish their work. My ears take brief note of Hazelle and Mrs. Everdeen's hushed conversation going on around us, clearly not meant for our ears.
"Does it hurt?" Posy's tiny voice chimes with curiosity, drowning out Hazelle and Mrs. Everdeen hushed tones. Her inquisitive little hand reaching up for Gale's split lip, his much larger one catching hers just before she touches his cut.
"Yeah, it does, Pose. So we probably shouldn't touch it." He explains in the gentlest of voices as he brings her back down to his lap, giving her hand quick little squeeze of reassurance. Watching Gale with Posy, stirs feelings inside me I didn't know I had. It has me wondering if he'll be this wonderful with our baby. The answer that echoes through me is he will.
Catching my eyes on him, a concern quickly builds in his eyes as Gale reaches out suddenly, taking my hand. Gently pulling me to his side, at his side he releases my hand as his comes to rest at the side of my stomach where I slammed into the table during the fight. His brows furrow as his eyes hold glued to my stomach, his thumb aimlessly caressing the spot before he speaks up. "Mrs. Everdeen, think you could take a look at Aster, too?
"Sure, where did she…" She starts to ask, but stops as she notices where Gale's hand rests, where his eyes stay glued, where a stubtle ache still lingers.
Taking note that I am wearing a dress, she suggests we step into the study just a room over for privacy. Once we're alone, awkwardly I pull up my dress and finally get a good look at the deep red bruise already beginning to form. Mrs. Everdeen presses gently, but skillfully upon my abdomen.
"Does that hurt?" She questions in a matter of fact voice. It always amazes by the difference between Mrs. Everdeen Katniss's mom and Mrs. Everdeen district, the twelve healer.
"A little." I admit. It's not a mind consuming discomfort, but now that she's mentions it I notice it.
"Any cramping, bleeding?" She continues to rattle off as she steps back and I pull my dress back down.
The meaning behind her questions finally hit me. My chest tightens as my breath catches, my hand comes to rest upon my lower stomach, my baby. I bite down on my lower lip and shake my head.
"I don't think so." My voice is shaky my mind clouded, I hadn't realized how close it had come to until Mrs. Everdeen questioned me. I suddenly feel fiercely protective of my stomach. It hadn't even occurred to me that the baby could have been hurt, but it did to Gale. In that moment, I'm so thankful I have him here to catch what I miss. His experience with pregnancy, babies, and children might just be our saving grace.
"Alright, it looks like it missed your uterus. You're going to have a nasty bruise, but I think you and the baby will be fine. But if anything should change, if you should have cramping or bleeding, even just spotting, you need to lie down and have someone send for me right away." She directs and I nod, the thought alone choking me up. I still have so many mixed feelings about being pregnant, but the thought of losing the baby now terrifies me. It reveals to me that I'm growing more connected to this baby than I even realized.
Returning to the others, I notice Hazelle and Mrs. Everdeen share a peculiar look between them. "Would it be alright if Prim showed the kids around the new house while we have a word with Gale and Aster?" Hazelle questions.
Mrs. Evendeen's eyes meet her youngest daughter's before giving a nod of approval and despite Rory grumbling under his breath about not being a kid, the room cleared out fairly quickly. It makes Gale and I share a glance unsure of what's coming next.
Once the sound of little feet was heard climbing the staircase, the two matriarchs finally turn to me and Gale and with a single statement remove any hope our lives will ever been normal again.
"You'll need to marry as soon as possible." Hazelle directs at both of us, but her eyes linger a little longer at Gale. Her orbs scan between us as we now stand side by side yet precariously not together.
Instantly I'm shot into a reality that feels unreal. Marriage? Me and Gale? It sounds absurd even as it rattles about in my mind. My mouth opens to protest, but my tongue ties in on itself and nothing coherent formulates. Just a few babbled sounds that don't form into identifiable words. Thankfully Gale seems to share in my bewilderment at the statement, only his mouth seems to be working just fine as a word comes shooting out past his lips in a shocked response.
"What?" He practically chokes out.
"They'll ostracize her if you don't." Mrs. Everdeen is quick to sum up the ramifications of the situation.
"She's right, Gale. I had hoped we'd have more time before I had to bring this up, son, but after the events of this afternoon, we no longer have time to wait. People are going to find out she's pregnant and if they find out before you've made her your wife, anyone sensible will shun her and the baby, and they will be targeted by the unreasonable. Especially because she comes from a good merchant family. This is the only way to stop that and it needs to be done as soon as possible to avoid any further shame." Hazelle's eyes drip with sympathy. It's plain to see she hates laying this upon Gale, but the weight on her breath makes it clear. She believes this is a necessity.
Yet still her words leave my mind spinning. Shunned, disrespected, ostracized, I want to scream, why? Why will I be blamed? Gale had just as much a part in making this baby as I did. But I already know the answer. Gale could have any girl he wants, as many as he pleases within reason. It's different for girls. No one would care if he's the only person I've ever given myself to. No one would care it was a rash decision based on genuine feelings.
People are only going to care that I'm pregnant and if Gale won't claim me, respect me enough to make me his wife, then no one else will either… I hear the unspoken words Mrs. Everdeen and Hazelle won't say, I'll be seen as a whore, disposable, vulnerable. We might have almost nothing in District Twelve, but we still have our standards, our moral code, and when broken the ability to judge each other to an unjust degree.
I can feel Gale's gaze heavy upon me before I turn to meet his stare. He swallows hard before his gaze drops to what I think must be my still flat stomach. His mind running behind his haunting eyes, seeming to contemplate our predicament. The choice rest ultimately in his hands. If he's against it, I certainly can't make him marry me; not that I'd want to. His orbs are dark and twisted by emotion. I can make out sadness, remorse, and nobility, but there's other emotions dancing in the depths of his eyes I can't identify. Emotions too fleeting for me to pinpoint before his face turns back to his mother as if his mind's made up.
"Fine," Gale agrees on a heavy breath.
I know why Gale did it, why he agrees. I see now, Gale is a man of principle, of honor. That's why he's going to stand by me and the baby, why he's willing to marry me. It's the honorable thing to do, even if it breaks his heart, even if he thinks he could never love me. All eyes fall to me now, as my heart races uncontrollably within the tight confines of my chest. Marriage is forever. That's what I've been taught, that's all that I know, and it's usually the case in district twelve.
A few months ago if someone had told me I would have the chance to marry Gale Hawthorne I would have laughed in their face, but been elated by the prospect, but this doesn't spur on feelings of joy. I know Gale is only doing it out of duty, to save me, and while I respect him for it, my heart also breaks at the thought.
This would be a sacrifice for both of us. To spend our lives together, because of one stupid moment in the woods, sounds ridiculous. I'm beginning to see we're going to be making a lot of sacrifices now that we're having a baby, but I'm not sure I can do this one, put us through this. Feeling a heaviness on my heart I can't seem to subside, I look straight ahead, and refuse to make myself a trap Gale has fallen into.
"No," I answer, my voice just loud enough to be heard.
"You're pregnant?" A voice picks up from behind me. A voice I'd know anywhere. A voice that sends a shiver running down my spine.
"Katniss," Gale practically spits out in shock. All eyes suddenly glued upon our staring victor, the last person we expected to see.
"It's not what it seems." HIs lips fumble.
Katniss's eyes pin Gale with a pointed unsure stare. "Then Aster's not pregnant?" Katniss questions, confusion filling her eyes as her orbs dart between the two of us searching out clarification.
I want to say something, explain, but this feels like a moment that belongs to Gale and Katniss, not me.
"She is, but…" Gale fumbles, never able to lie to her, I can see it in his eyes, the strain on his face, and how he's struggling to find the words. "After the reaping's everything just went to hell. I couldn't do anything. I had to do something. I just…" Gale's voice dips low with emotion as his pleading eyes never leave Katniss's.
This is breaking his heart to explain to the girl he loves how he got someone else pregnant. My heart can't help, but break for him this moment. It's so plain to see where his heart lies, and while part of me wants to hate him for that, I can't. I always knew the truth. I can't hold it against him now just because the situation has changed, and we're not changing fast enough with it.
"It was a mistake." I finally speak up with a heavy heart. Putting him out of his misery. Admitting the words I couldn't bear to hear Gale say a week ago. The words he was struggling to find. Because as much as they hurt to hear, it doesn't make them any less true. And if anyone deserve to hear the real truth about us, it's Katniss. The person our actions may have betrayed the most.
Katniss's eyes meet mine, the pain in her pupils mirrors my own, and feels unbearable to look upon. For the first time I see that maybe it wasn't just Gale who had feelings for Katniss, but Katniss who had feelings for Gale too.
"I'm sorry… Please excuse me" I muster on a beaten breath. Breaking her stare, I drop my head in shame, and move for the door. Needing to escape before the emotions wrestling inside me sends tears falling in front of everyone.
I'm furious with Aster as a chase off after her down the main walkway of Victor's Village. Have half a mind to not go after her at all, but my mother insisted and she's a hard woman to argue with. The look in Katniss's eyes haunts me with each stomping step. The news had hurt her, I had hurt her. It wasn't supposed to happen like this. She had made it out of the arena. She had survived the games. This was my second chance, and now I feel it slipping away with every a move I make toward Aster.
A girl who has me twisted up inside. She barely made my radar before all this. Just a blimp on the horizon. A girl I knew but didn't know. And now I'm supposed to convince her to be my damn wife. She's surprised me, I'll give her that. Keeps surprising me, she's not who I thought she was. She's not the privileged naïve little merchant girl I wrote her off as, but she's not Katniss either, and that eats at me. Now more than ever. Now that I can't get the look of Katniss's eyes out of my mind. The betrayal in her eyes aimed squarely at me.
By the time I reach Aster I'm practically fuming. Grabbing her arm, I swiftly halt her next step, and abruptly we fall into a stop. My grip forces her to face me before my heated words come to life.
"What's your problem?" I throw accusingly at her. My lack of patience thick on my breath. I know what my mom would say, take it easy on her, you're both struggling right now and taking it out on each other won't help. But I can't fight what's brewing inside me. My life is falling apart, all because of what's growing inside of her.
Aster takes me by surprise when she yanks her arm from my grasp. I didn't know such a small girl could have so much strength, but after watching her deck her sister in-law, I guess I should.
"This whole mess is my problem, Gale. You're my problem." She throws back fighting words at me. Her eyes like darts shooting into my own and I can tell she's as fired up as I am.
The anger oozing off her only fuels the flames. What could she possibly be angry with me about? I have turned my world upside down for her. Given her everything I have to offer. Hell, I even broke Katniss's heart for her and this is the thanks I get in return. Despite my better judgment I find myself finally exploding under a pressure that's been building since the moment she told me she was pregnant and placed the world on my shoulders.
"What do you want from me? I'm gonna take care of you and this baby, I'm willing to marry you, but what, we're not supposed to call this what it is, a mistake? Or, is this because you're too ashamed to be with a miner from the Seam? I'm doing the best that I can here, Aster! I didn't ask for this to happen!" My voice is loud and bellowing I don't know if anyone is within hearing but it's clear I've made a scene. I couldn't hold it in anymore, though. Everything that has been twisting inside me finally exploded to the surface. And judging by the fire igniting in her eyes, Aster has a few things she'd like to get of her chest too.
"You think I wanted this? I have lost everything! My home, my family! I don't know if I'll ever see my grandmother again! And now I'm supposed to marry you! Don't insult me by making this a town Seam issue, Gale. I said no, because you can barely stand me! Excuse me for not wanting to marry a man who's only with me out of duty while longing for someone else! We're only in this mess, because I let my stupid feelings for you cloud my judgment and allow me to make the biggest mistake of my life!" She screams at me. Her nostrils flaring, lips trembling as the emotion shooting from her borders on being more than her body can bear. But it's her words that get to me.
I never thought of any of that. I never thought about her side, what she'd be giving up. I've been so wrapped up in my own sacrifice I haven't noticed the giant one she's making too. Another thing she said strikes me where it hurts. She has feelings for me, real ones.
Earlier today when I found that bruise on her cheek and learned the truth of its origin, I felt certain that's why she wanders into the woods, why she gave into me. But now I see I was wrong. She gave herself to me, because she holds a spark for me, and that complicates this situation even worse.
I purposefully lower my voice, take a deep breath to cool our burners. "I promised you and your grandmother I would take care of you. That's a promise I intend to keep. That's what I'm trying to do here." I try to reason with her, because she might wander the Seam, but she is still cloaked in the shield of a town citizen. She has no idea how ugly and cruel it can truly be, and that's why I'm willing to do this. Do whatever it takes to protect my child and keep my word.
Her piercing gaze holds me captive as she sucks in a heated breath and for the second time in two days she questions my intentions. "Why? Why are you so set on this? This is crazy to suggest marriage is going to fix anything." I can see it in her eyes, hear it on her breath, it hurts her that she doesn't mean to me what I mean her. In her own way Aster is trying to be honorable, and let me go. If she wasn't having my baby, I wouldn't give a damn what aster felt for me, but because she is, I can't ignore it.
Staring at her now, her eyes burning with a fire I find myself oddly drawn to, I don't know how I feel about Aster. I know it's different than before the Reaping. Before she was just an annoyance. Now she almost feels like someone else entirely. She's going to be the mother of my child, and when I see her reading to Posy - giving each of the characters a distinct voice, making my sister's face light up with each inflection - I think she'll be a good one.
I see her arms buried elbows deep in soapy suds helping my mom with the laundry she takes in from town, and I think those hands are stronger than I've given them credit for. And when her eyes catch mine in fleeting unpredictable moments, I feel something inside me stir, and I think maybe there could be something between us after all. I don't know how I feel about Aster, but I know it's different than before.
"Because all we have in this damn district is family and we're going to be one whether we like it or not. So why don't we do it right?" I lay it out there, hoping my honesty will be enough to make her see. The Seam is a hell hole, the Capitol has made sure of that. There's not a chance I'm letting her and my child live in it without my protection.
Aster's gaze is unrelenting and I'm not sure if she's going to continue to be stubborn, but I hope she doesn't, because I don't know how much more I can try to convince her before I admit she's right. The two of us getting married is a horrible idea, albeit a necessary one, but she's surprises me yet again and concedes. "…Fine, I'll do this for the baby, but if you start to resent me and I'm going to remind you pushed for this."
Without another word, Aster turns on her heels, and moves away from me. Coming out of the haze of my own thoughts, I walk rapidly toward her. An urgency picks up in my chest, unsure of where she's going. I reach out for her wrist, pulling her back toward me. Her focused emerald eyes hit mine as she quickly pulls her hand free.
"I agreed, alright. Just give me some space, Hawthorne." Her pursed lips demand. The look in her eyes telling me she's as mixed up by all this as I am. With a quick nod, I let her go. Respecting Aster's request for distance. Quickly she's disappears, hurrying back to Katniss's house and I'm left out on the pathway, alone with my thoughts. I don't know what I'm going to do about Katniss, the thought feels like more than I can bear, but I do know if I'm going to marry Aster, I owe it to her and myself to give this a chance.
Author's Note:
Biggest thanks to my beta, fangirrrrrl129!
What do you think about the marriage twist? I felt it was justified, because in such a small community it would be a scandal for a girl of good standing to end up pregnant by a boy from the wrong side of the tracks. So they're doing damage control.
What did you think about Katniss's appearance and Gale's feelings for her? I wanted to incorporate Gale's feelings for Katniss, because it was important in the books and I believe love dies hard, but things will change as he grows closer to Aster.
Now that Gale knows Aster has feelings for him there will be a change in the way Gale approaches her. Gale's beginning to see another side to Aster he didn't know she had. A side he finds he likes.