Fox's Eating Habits
The FINAL Chapter!wOOtLOLOMGWTFXD111111oneoneone!
Author's Note: You've been asking for it, and here it is! The conclusion of Fox's Eating Habits! Packed with 150 percent more laughs, idiocy, and evil broccoli, and low fat and cholesterol! (Only 0 grams per serving)
(said really fast) Side effects may include loss of intelligence, excessive head-scratching, and laughing until you vomit. It is recommended that people with heart, lung and brain conditions should not read this story. Please consult your doctor before reading this story. Thank you.
-Kal
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Roy and Yoshi sat down to have a snack.
"What's Fox doing?" Roy asked Yoshi as he opened a bag of chips.
"Examining the broccoli." Yoshi said, peeling a banana.
"How long has he been in there?" Roy asked.
"At least three days." Yoshi said.
"How is he getting food?" Roy asked.
"I don't know…but at least he's not eating the broccoli." Yoshi said.
The two of them laughed.
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"Hello, Pizza Hut? I'd like a large pepperoni and sausage pizza, and a 20-liter of Coke. Just deliver it to the window. Yeah, sure. Okay, bye." Fox turned off his cell phone.
"The first person that finds a use for broccoli," Fox said, as he put on surgical gloves, "will become a very rich person." He took a scalpel. "Imagine, all the broccoli growing like weeds, and no one knowing what to do with it."
Using the scalpel, Fox sliced off a cross section of broccoli and put it under a microscope. Examining the broccoli, he recorded his observations in a notebook.
"Green…ugly…and obviously evil." Fox said, noting all the important details. "It will be very difficult to convert this demonic piece of (censored) into something palatable, but I, Fox McCloud, shall do it! I shall find a use for broccoli!"
"Hey, you! Shut up and give me $19.95 for your pizza!" someone yelled.
"All right!" Fox yelled. Climbing out the window, he handed the guy a 20 dollar bill and took the pizza.
"Hey! You forgot the tip!"
Fox threw a carton of eggs at the delivery boy and shut the window, ignoring the death threats and obscenities that issued from down below.
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"Eureka!" Fox yelled at 3:36 A.M. in the morning. "I HAVE DISCOVERED A USE FOR BROCCOLI!"
"SHUT UP!" 24 other angry voices yelled.
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"My theory is that since everything tastes better deep-fried, I have decided that deep-fried broccoli will be the next big snack in America!" Fox declared.
"Yeah…sure. Can we go back to sleep?" a tired Roy and Yoshi mumbled.
"NO! Not until you test my hypothesis!" Fox screamed. He sliced the broccoli in half, dipped it in flour, and fried it over his Bunsen burner. He handed the broccoli to Roy and Yoshi. "EAT!"
Roy and Yoshi shot glances at each other.
"Ah well. Down the hatch." Roy and Yoshi each took a big bite of Fox's concoction.
Fox recorded their reactions in his notebook.
"Let's see. Test subjects…turning green…retching, clutching at stomach…hey! HEY! AGGHH! THAT WAS MY BRAND NEW CARPET!"
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"The experiment was a failure." Fox muttered as he poured vinegar on his carpet. "But I shall not be discouraged by a minor setback!" He began to scrub his carpet. "Ugh. It was cashmere, too."
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"EUREKA!" Fox screamed at 3:22 A.M. in the morning. "I HAVE DISCOVERED ANOTHER USE FOR BROCCOLI!"
"SHUT THE (censored) UP!" 24 other voices yelled.
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"Deep-fried broccoli may have been a failure. However, BAKED BROCCOLI shall be the next biggest food fad!" Fox proclaimed. He whipped out a tray of his new culinary experiment. "EAT!"
"Do we have to?" Yoshi said, rubbing his eyes.
"YES!" Fox roared.
Roy and Yoshi each took a wrinkled head of baked broccoli, and put it in their mouths.
Fox recorded their reactions in his notebook.
"Let's see. Test subjects…retching…gasping for air…coughing…hey…HEY! I JUST DID THAT LAUNDRY!"
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"It seems that this vegetable specimen is very resistant to edibility." Fox muttered. "All scientists go through setbacks." He threw clothes in the laundry machine. "It never fails. I just washed this load."
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"EUREKA!" Fox yelled at 3:09 A.M. in the morning. "I HAVE FINALLY DISCOVERED A USE FOR BROCCOLI!"
"FOX, I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!" 24 other voices screamed.
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"The first two times, I have failed. But today, I shall succeed! Behold! BROCCOLI ICE CREAM!" Fox yelled.
Roy and Yoshi moaned. "Fox, you don't have to take this so seriously."
"EAT!" Fox yelled.
Roy and Yoshi each took a bite as Fox recorded their reactions in his trusty notebook.
"Let's see…test subjects turning red…groaning…ugh. Oh well, at least it was Falco's bed."
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Fox sighed. Pieces of broccoli littered the floor around him. "I may never find a use for broccoli." Just then, an idea occurred to him.
"One more try." Fox said as he cooked his new invention in the oven.
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"All right." Fox thought as dinner approached. He took out his creation.
"Fox…what is that?" Roy asked.
"Pie." Fox said. He took out the huge pie and sliced it into 25 neat pieces.
"What's it made of?" Yoshi asked.
Fox did not answer that question.
Just then, they heard a scream.
"HEY! WHO VOMITED IN MY BED!" Falco screamed.
Everyone exchanged curious looks.
Roy took a bite of the pie. "Not bad." He took another. "Actually, it's quite nice."
All the Smashers murmured in agreement as they devoured the pie.
Fox smiled to himself. "I think I may finally have found a use for broccoli."
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"Ahh." Fox sighed with happiness. "I finally have all the money to buy whatever I want."
"Really?" Roy and Yoshi asked with interest.
"Look." Fox gestured to a building behind them. It read: THE McCLOUD PIE FACTORY
"Oh."
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(Meanwhile, somewhere near the planet Saturn)
"GRRR!" Emperor Brocolinus growled. "How dare this filthy being destroy our descendants and sell them as PIE! I SHALL GET MY REVENGE!"
"Sir, remember your blood pressure!" a head of broccoli stammered.
"Shut up, Advisor Vitaminus!" Emperor Brocolinus yelled. "Set a course for Earth! We will teach this furry menace not to mess with our vegetable descendants!"
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Fox was drinking a soda in his office when suddenly…
BOOM!
Two evil broccolis blew down the door and pointed broccoli-powered ray guns at our protagonist.
"Surrender, scum!" one broccoli yelled.
Fox raised his eyebrows. After all, he had seen stranger things.
(Flashback)
"You ain't nothing but a hound dog…" Elvis Presley sang.
"Oh my god!" Fox screamed. "ELVIS IS ALIVE!"
Elvis turned around, saw Fox, and then morphed into a tomato.
"O…kay."
(End Flashback)
"Bob, John, it isn't Halloween." Fox said. "Now get back to your pie-making stations."
One of the broccolis shot at Fox, but missed and burned a hole in the wall.
"Hey! I just had that put up!" Fox muttered. Looking around the room, he did the only thing he could do…
Which was to jump out of the window.
"AAHHH!" Fox screamed as he plunged toward the ground.
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"Fox?" two voices said.
"Roy? Yoshi? What happened?" Fox muttered.
"Well, you jumped out of a one-story office building and thrashed around in holy pain for a while."
"Evil broccoli!" Fox screamed.
Roy and Yoshi looked at each other.
"That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever-"
A laser hit the ground at Roy's feet.
"Ok."
"How do we stop the evil broccoli?" Yoshi asked.
"Well, to be frank, I'm running out of ideas." Fox said.
"Let's eat them!" Roy said.
"That sounds like the kind of idea an author would use in a short junky story when he's running out of ideas and needs to end the story quickly!" Fox said.
Roy raised his eyebrows.
"On second thought, that seems like a good idea." Fox quickly said.
Fox, Roy, and Yoshi then focused their sight on the rows and rows of evil broccoli that surrounded them, knowing, that in order to save the universe, they would have to consume all the frightful vegetables that lay before them.
"Let's go." Fox said.
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PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
The following scenes have been cut from this story, because they contain extreme violence, gore, language, and thematic moments. It is strongly recommended that you refrain from reading this story and instead run away screaming in the opposite direction.
Don't do drugs either.
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"I'm full." Fox moaned, massaging his stomach.
"Me too." Roy groaned.
Yoshi said nothing.
Just then, Emperor Brocolinus appeared.
"You may have eaten my army, but you cannot defeat me! I am Emperor Brocolinus, King of all Broccoli! Now, bow before my wrath before I smite you with the powers of vitamin C! Muahaha!"
A strained look appeared on Yoshi's face.
"Uh-oh." Fox and Roy said.
"NO, YOSHI! NO! DON'T-"
PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!
The resulting shockwave from Yoshi's rectal explosion deafened everyone within a mile's radius and vaporized Emperor Brocolinus into a little pile of green ash.
Fox's fur and Roy's hair were charred.
"Yoshi?"
"Yes?"
"Most stories don't end with the bad guy being killed by a fart."
"I had to improvise."
Fox and Roy stared at Yoshi as the sun set over the horizon.
THE END…?
Could there be someone or something else lurking out there? Will the saga of the evil broccoli continue? And will Falco get pissed off even more? Stay tuned for the sequel: Fox's Eating Habits II: Revenge of the Evil Broccoli!
-Kal