I own Twilight. All of it. Even the time of day. This is hopefully a funny one. I enjoyed writing it, anyway.

Eddie is gonna shed some tears.

Lara's P.O.V

I was ready to kick his teeth in, Vampire or not.

Once he'd sat down in close proximity, my scrumptious ass became too much for him and he became stiff and frustrated. And that's just his dick.

Kidding, but seriously, he did just what he did in the book. He stared, and stared, and then glared, and then stared. I wondered how I smelt to him. It must've been pretty good. I bet girls being on their periods around these guys was torture. Fucking Jasper is shit at keeping his cool over a paper cut so how could he resist a hot girl walking past him when she literally has blood coming out of her. Also, what did Eddie do when Bella was menstruating? Like then her blood smell would've been fucking everywhere, like constantly. Unless maybe that's a different kind of blood? Because it's not like blood from a cut.. It's thicker, maybe? Ew..

I sit with my head resting on my fist as I think about this, trying to make myself look as unappealing as possible. I let my face smoosh against my hand, and I slouched and made annoying, sighing noises throughout the lesson. Why would he want to eat me if I was looking frumpy, anyway?

I made no attempt at conversation, but halfway through the lesson I did begin swinging my foot in such a way where it routinely hit both of our stools, and each time I watched him blink hard, and saw the muscles in his jaw tighten. I grinned a little, and when his eyes snapped to me, I stuck out my tongue. Through the blackness of his eyes and his tight expression, his lips twitched up. But not in a "that's funny" kind of way, in a "fucking petty humans" kind of way. Bastard.

The bell went, and I swear he moved so fast he broke the sound barrier. This fucking family was allergic to being discreet. I stand up, slowly pack my things, and then head to Gym at a snails pace, grumbling. "Fuck gym. Fucking hate gym. I can't even touch my fucking toes. Fuck." I'd never even bothered at home. Honestly, why do we even need a grade in it? They didn't anything with us that actually promoted health because the boys football team got all the asslicking attention and the funding.

I get there, and of course I have no kit. The psycho Coach Clapp marches over with me, red faced.

She glances at her board for my name. "Swan, where's your kit?" Oh, just like home.

"Ain't got one yet. I'm new."

"We take sports seriously here, Swan." Yeah yeah, suck a dick.

"Do we also take STI's seriously here, Ma'am? Is it a struggle, or is it kind of romantic, considering that you got your herpes from your girlfriend, like a present?" I was impressed that her face could get any redder.

"Excuse me?" She barked.

"Sorry! I should've said from your "life partner" right? Y'know it's totally chill, I wouldn't discriminate. Girls can be hot."

I was rained on by spit and anger and then took my place on the bench, where I'm sure I'd remain for the year. God, I hope I'm not here all year.

When I was finally released, I walk out into the rainy parking lot. I spot Shitty Shitty Bang Bang a mile off and head towards him. I've decided it's a him because of the black pubes I found on the back seat. Most girls are better groomed.

I climb in and throw my bag down on the seat next to me, turn on the radio and get ready to pull out. The engine roars - sorry, gurgles - to life and I check my mirror.

What. The. Fuck.

A perfectly shiny, show-off Volvo is in my way. This shouldn't have fucking happened yet, I swear this is later in the book! I raise a challenging eyebrow at Eddie-boy in my mirror. Is this fuck actually gonna block me? Does he think I won't ram his pussy car? He glances, sees its me, and makes no effort to move.

I look a the door of the main building and there's no sign of his Siblings being out soon. Is this twat gonna wait there for them? Nu-uh, I will not stand for this. I can kill his car, even if I can't kill him. I can see it in the papers already, "Miracle boy survives car wreck caused by boring teenager".

I give a warning by moving backwards just a little towards him. He realises, but his only reaction is a slight eye narrowing. I give out a slight growling noise, which Bella's voice manages to make sound pathetic, and pull out.

The Chevy is a monster of a truck and it tears up the Volvo's ass viciously. Sparks fly up on the right side of the car, right up to my window. I send him an over the top, "Oops, Sorry!" Face, and then flip him off as I drive out of there as fast as I can. Serves him right for being a totally shitter in Biology and getting in my way. Who fucking waits in front of someone else's car when they could've just been parked? Twat.

Shaking my head and laughing, I start the drive home. His flashy Volvo deserved it.

I hope they get caught in sun on the way home.

Oh my God! Isn't she such a bitch? That poor, poor rich white boy.

Review so that I can feed my family.

~I.F~