Kintsugi for Kilgrave
chapter 4
Cocoon
Kilgrave brought the tray of coffee and tea from the kitchen and made his morning rounds. Although he greeted each team member by their first name now, the tone was still respectful; that much of his training had become deeply ingrained. 'Ianto' sounded a lot like 'Mr. Jones', 'Gwen', sounded like 'Mrs. Cooper', and above all 'Jack' sounded like 'Sir'.
He placed Jack's coffee on his desk quietly so as not to disturb him since he was in the middle of a rather heated conversation with someone on the phone, probably someone from UNIT. Kilgrave retrieved the brush he used to clean Jack's coat and gave the garment a good going-over, taking pride in his work. He tutted at the loose threads on one of the button-holes and got his sewing kit from the cupboard. Settling on his cushion at Jack's feet tailor style, he used a seam-ripper to carefully pick out the old thread, then re-sewed the whole thing, making a nice, new and perfectly tight button-hole. He put Jack's coat back on a hanger after touching it up with the brush again.
When Jack got off the phone he looked ready to bite someone's head off. All too familiar with how things worked around Torchwood now, Kilgrave knew that if Jack went out on a call one of two things would happen. If Jack was in a good mood, Kilgrave would be cuffed to their bed. If he was in a bad mood, he would be locked in a cell near the weevils, and Kilgrave really hated the latter. Best to head off that last possibility.
"You look all wound up," he said. "Why don't I just give you a massage?"
"Sounds good," Jack said. "Yeah, sounds nice."
Kilgrave stood behind Jack and loosened his collar. He opened a drawer and took out a bottle of massage oil he had requested especially for these times and oiled his hands, then got to work. Sure enough, Jack's muscles were in knots.
"It's a hard job, isn't it?" Kilgrave asked, just making conversation.
"Worth it, though. You've seen what we do."
"And no one knows," Kilgrave said. "Captain Jack Harkness, savior of the earth and unsung hero."
"Handsome bastard, too," Jack said, grinning.
"And so modest." Kilgrave grinned. "Still, yes, you are handsome, it has to be said. If I had to be captured and kept, at least there's that. My keeper isn't hard to look at."
"You aren't so bad yourself, pretty pet. I knew the guy-liner would work for you."
"Well, I like to look appealing, and since I don't have my nice suits anymore, the liner helps make up for it a bit."
"Hey, the tight jeans and tees are cute on you. Anyway, I'll get you some nicer things when I see you make more progress. Just like the longer chain on the cuff in our room. You like the longer chain, I take it?"
"Oh, yeah, it's much better." Kilgrave gave a final sweep along Jack's neck with his thumbs. "Better now?"
"Much," Jack sighed. "Come here and sit on my desk a bit." He patted his desk. Kilgrave did as he was told. Jack rested a hand on one of his thighs. "I wanted to know something. What made you decide to start fastening the handcuff yourself?"
Kilgrave shrugged and looked at the floor. "I guess I just feel safe when I'm wearing it at night."
"Safe? Safe from what?" Jack took one of his hands and squeezed it in a reassuring manner.
"I'm not sure," Kilgrave admitted. "It's like when you're little and you hide under the blanket so the bogeyman can't get you. And you know there really isn't a bogeyman, but you know if you're under the blanket he can't get you."
"Makes perfect sense, then," Jack said. He patted Kilgrave's hand. "You're doing better, Killy."
"Jack, please, I asked you so nicely," Kilgrave pleaded. "I'm desperate. Please stop calling me Killy?"
"I don't do it much," Jack said, grinning. "And I haven't done it in front of anyone. Yet. I like it. It's cute."
Kilgrave sighed. "Yes, sir."
"What did I say about calling me Sir?"
"I wasn't calling you Sir, Jack, I was just saying yes, sir. It's not the same as calling you Sir."
"Tone of voice," Jack said. "Now go get me another cup of coffee."
"Yes, sir," Kilgrave said, arching an eyebrow in a saucy manner. When he got up and bent to pick up Jack's coffee cup Jack gave him a hard smack on the ass.
"Attitude," Jack scowled, but with the slightest grin.
"Sorry, Jack," Kilgrave rubbed his bottom and scurried out to get Jack his coffee, grumbling something about grouchy coffee addicts. When he came back he settled himself on his cushion again at Jack's feet. "Ianto said he's sending you some new files," he said. "I think they might be something big." He looked worried. "He said it can wait until after lunch, which basically means for you to look at them while I'm busy, so they're probably new files about me." He leaned against Jack's leg. "That frightens me, Jack. How many hidden memories could I have?"
Jack laid a reassuring hand on the side of his head. "Not everything is about you, you know, Mister Ego," he said. "And believe it or not, a lot of Torchwood business isn't for your eyes and ears. Lots of highly classified stuff. And there are some things I think would just be bad for you right now. We're trying to get you better. So take your break time," he handed Kilgrave a self-help book on surviving child sexual abuse. "Chapter six. We'll have a discussion about it at bedtime, okay?"
He looked into Jack's eyes, and Jack couldn't help noticing how much more trust there was there than when they had begun. It had been hard-won, but Kilgrave's illness had given Jack a short-cut. That little spell of coddling had given Kilgrave a reason to depend on Jack, to feel affection for him and to discover that the man was capable of actually caring about what happened to him.
"Jack?"
"Yeah?"
"What made you decide to save me?"
"At first it was just because the Doctor asked me to," Jack said. "You were a danger to everyone on your own, in the hands of IGN even more so. We're still looking into the plans they had for you."
"Will you tell me?"
"Let's get you better first, okay? You're still unsteady after remembering all the shit your parents did to you. You think you're being smooth about it, but you aren't. We all see how scared you are, Kilgrave. And that's okay. Anyone would be."
"Do you think I'll ever be loved? I mean, loved just for me, myself? I think I could love people very much, but I'm learning I never knew what healthy love was, just what they call toxic love in the books. I don't want that."
"One day at a time. We'll talk more at bedtime, okay? Chapter six. Jack has work to do now."
Kilgrave opened his book and began reading. Jack knew he soaked it up like a sponge and he was grateful Kilgrave was absorbed in the book.
He rubbed his neck and sighed. It was so difficult to be hard on him when he was such a child at times. Talk about arrested development.
##########
"Wakey, wakey!" Jack reached down and poked Kilgrave's ribs with a finger. Kilgrave had finished his chapter and had decided on a cat-nap before his after-lunch chores. He opened his eyes. "I need you to make a drink for my guest."
Kilgrave stood, blinking the sleep from his eyes. A man sat in the chair opposite from Jack. Like Jack, he had dark hair and blue yes and like Jack he had a similar build and a handsome face. Kilgrave shook his head as though to clear it. His stomach did a little flip. Must be something he ate.
The man appraised Kilgrave with a smirk. "Some arrangement you've got there, Harkness. I heard you had a taste for the pretty ones."
"Don't make assumptions about things you know nothing about," Jack snapped. "It's not what you think, and I'll thank you to stop undressing my help with your eyes. He's under my care."
"What drinks shall I make" Kilgrave asked, ready to do what was required and find some excuse to get out of the room.
"Two Scotch rocks," Jack said. Kilgrave noticed Jack hadn't said 'the good stuff' as he usually did if he liked a guest. Well, that said something, didn't it?
He went to the kitchen and prepared two tumblers of Jack's third best Scotch, placed them on trays with napkins and took them to Jack's office. The whole time he could hear raised voices.
"Like I said on the phone this morning," Jack asserted, "this is my project, not a UNIT project, and I will handle it. I want all the files and I want them all ASAP, not leaked out as your UNIT bureaucrats see fit."
"By whose authority?"
"You know who, Mason."
"Not him?" Mason barked, a hint of mockery in his voice.
"Yes, him, Mister Blue Sky himself. Look into it. You really wanna go up against him?"
Kilgrave took the drinks into Jack's office and quietly served them. "Permission to return to duties?"
Jack looked at him and nodded. It was clear Jack could see he was uncomfortable and wanted to be out of the office. "By all means," Jack said.
Kilgrave made himself scarce. He started in the kitchen. The voices raised and lowered, obviously tempers rising then calming only to rise again. He finished in the kitchen then went to the cupboard to fetch his cleaning supplies for the toilet. He heard Jack say with finality, "Look, I'm on very good terms with Kate Lethbridge-Stewart, so why don't we just have a little conference call?"
Kilgrave made himself a quick cup of tea before starting on the toilet. Things had quieted down now and he was glad. He had to stop in the middle of his tea to make a second round of drinks and when he took them up things seemed to be fine. Jack and Mason had apparently settled their differences. He went back to the kitchen and gulped down the rest of his tea, then grabbed his cleaning supplies and went into the toilet to start his cleaning.
He did the toilet first so that he could wash his hands after, then do the sink and mirror. Just as he had the mirror sparkling the door opened and Mason strode in. He went to the toilet and had a piss.
He glanced at Kilgrave. "You're looking," Mason smirked. He zipped up and swaggered towards Kilgrave.
"I wasn't looking, I just cleaned that and you didn't lift the seat. Now I have to clean it again. Gwen has to sit on that, you know."
"I think you were looking. I know Harkness," Mason said. "And that little seating arrangement in his office? Very convenient for the occasional under-the-desk blow-job, isn't it? With a nice, comfy cushion for your knees and all."
"No, it isn't like that."
"I think it is," Mason said, pushing Kilgrave against the sink. "I think it's very like that. You're a sub. You like being pushed around. That's nice. I like pushing people around. Especially pretty ones." His arm snaked around Kilgrave's waist as his hand slipped over Kilgrave's crotch. "Why don't we have a little quickie, eh? See how well trained up Harkness has you? You do have a very fucksome little ass."
Kilgrave wanted to push him away. Instead he froze, like a rabbit in caught in high beam headlights. His arms curled around himself, he turned his head and squeezed his eyes shut. He opened his mouth to cry out for help, but nothing came out.
##########
Jack came out of his office with Mason's UNIT cap in his hand. "Asshole forgot his hat," he said to Ianto. "I don't suppose he's still in the car park?"
"He's in the toilet," Ianto answered. "Now I think on it, he's been in there for a bit."
Jack looked around the Hub. "Where's Kilgrave?"
##########
Something snapped in Kilgrave when Mason flipped him around after undoing his jeans and yanking them down around his thighs. Mason's arm was still around him, but now it pinned his arms to his sides. He lifted Kilgrave and pushed him up on the bathroom counter-top. And that's when Kilgrave came undone on him and began struggling.
"You want it rough, then," Mason sneered. "I can do rough." He slid a hand under the waistband of Kilgrave's boxers and stroked the skin of his buttock before pulling his underpants down.
Kilgrave finally found his voice, and found it with a vengeance "JACK!" His cry was filled with distress. "Jack, Ianto, somebody, anybody, help me! JACK!"
The bathroom door collapsed inward as Jack's booted foot destroyed the doorknob and lock as well as one of the hinges.
"Get off of him," Jack growled.
Mason, seeing the look on Jack's face, backed away. "Okay, Okay, no harm done."
Jack shoved him against the wall and held him there by his jacket. "I've put months of work into helping this man, if you've fucked it up...I'm calling UNIT. You're being charged with sexual assault."
"I've seen the files, I can't be charged with assaulting someone who doesn't exist." Mason replied. He brushed Jack's hands away and strode out of the bathroom. Jack went after him. Ianto went to Kilgrave to help him pull himself together. They could hear the ruckus out in the Hub and rushed out after Jack and Mason. Gwen was running in from the firing range downstairs.
Jack and Mason were in the kitchen area and fists were flying. Jack got in a good right hook to Mason's temple. He went down, spilling a tray of forks, spoons and knives to the floor with him. Jack pounced on him. Mason grabbed a knife and stabbed Jack in the chest.
Some people, when enraged, see red. Not Kilgrave. Kilgrave saw purple. And he was seeing purple now. Jack lay on the floor, a knife in his heart—the man who had been working to save him, even though it had meant stripping him of almost everything he was. It was true Jack had taken so much from him, but he had given much as well and had much more to give, or would have, and now he was dying at the hands of the man that had tried to rape Kilgrave.
He pounced like a panther onto Mason, landing hard on the man's chest and with the strength of pure fury wrested the knife from his hand. Why he didn't use it he could not have said. Perhaps it was something more primal that drove him. Instead he wrapped his long fingers around Mason's throat and squeezed. And squeezed. And squeezed.
He could hear others calling his name, but the sound was distorted. Hands pulled at him, but his legs clamped down around Mason like a vice.
##########
Jack gasped back to life to the horrific sight of his charge attempting the unthinkable—throttling the life out of Mason. Committing murder. No matter what Mason had done, he couldn't let this happen. Ianto and Gwen were getting nowhere with him. Obviously something was happening with Kilgrave; the veins in his temple and neck had gone dark purple and he was apparently stronger than usual.
Jack struggled to his feet. He was still a little wobbly, but he could do this. He had to. Damned if he was going to see this happen. Not on his watch. He staggered over to Kilgrave. His face was a twisted caricature of the man Jack had come to know. This was the monster he had been taming. All of Jack's work crumbling before his eyes. He tried to pry Kilgrave's hands loose, but couldn't. Those long, graceful fingers that could soothe his muscles, prepare his meals and mend his coat were now squeezing the life out another human being.
Jack decided to try another tactic. He placed his hands on Kilgrave's face and called his name, this time softly, stroking his cheeks with his thumbs.
"Kilgrave, you can stop now," he said. "You don't want to do this. Come on now. Don't do it, please, please, it's Jack, Kilgrave, look at me. Just look at me, okay?"
Was he easing up? Maybe a little?
"Come on, easy now, let's not ruin all our work, okay, let him go, yeah?" Jack looked at Mason. Much more of this and it would be too late. Desperate, he leaned in and kissed Kilgrave's cheek. "Come on, Jack wants you to stop, now, don't make me compel you, okay?" Another kiss on the cheek. "Come on, now, listen to me, Kilgrave. Listen to Jack, okay?"
Kilgrave looked up. The purple color in his veins subsided slowly. His hands loosened from around Mason's throat. Mason choked and coughed, dragging in a breath.
Jack wrapped his arms around Kilgrave and pulled him up and onto his feet and away from Mason. Kilgrave's chest heaved as he gasped. He leaned heavily against Jack. He looked so confused.
"You—you're alive," he said, eyes wide. "You're alive and you aren't even bleeding."
"Yeah," Jack said. "That happens."
"I need to sit down."
Which he did, immediately, without even looking for a chair. He just sank to the floor and held his head. He made a choking sound, oddly mirroring the sounds Mason was making.
While Gwen steadied Mason's head until he could be fetched to a medical facility, Ianto had been making all the right phone calls. That done, he went to Jack and Kilgrave. He nodded at Kilgrave and said to Jack, "Let's get him away from here. How about your office. He's comfortable there."
"Yeah," Jack agreed. The pulled Kilgrave to his feet and guided him into Jack's office. As soon as they got there Kilgrave tried to pull away and get to his comfort zone, the big, comfy cushion by Jack's chair. But Jack and Ianto instead guided him to the sofa and sat him down. His hands were clamped over his mouth. His eyes darted about.
"Talk to him, Jack," Ianto encouraged. He sat on one side of Kilgrave and Jack sat on the other so they had Kilgrave between them like a book between bookends.
"It's okay," Jack said. "It's just this thing that happens. There was this sort of accident. And now I can't die. The Doctor says I'm a fixed point in time and space."
"You aren't like Jessica? Or her friends?" Kilgrave asked.
"Depends on your definition, I suppose, but I don't consider myself as one, no. The Doctor says I'm unique."
"I thought you were dying," he said. "I thought he killed my Sir."
"What did I say about calling me Sir?"
"For God's sake, Jack, I almost committed murder and you're scolding me for a slip?" Kilgrave snapped. "Sorry. sorry, tone of voice. Control yourself, Kilgrave," he said to himself.
"Yeah, about that," Jack said. "You reacted. Normally I'd tell anyone it's okay, but you know I can't do that with you, don't you?"
Kilgrave nodded. His eyes welled. "I let you down," he said.
"No, you let yourself down," Jack said. "Come here," he added, and opened his arms.
Ianto felt almost like a voyeur at what he witnessed next, but the memory stayed with him for the rest of his life.
"What does it say in The Velveteen Rabbit?" Jack asked, as Kilgrave settled his head on Jack's shoulder.
And then they began to speak together, the two of them as one, word for word:
"'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.'
'Does it hurt?' asked the Rabbit.
'Sometimes,' said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. 'When you are Real you don't mind being hurt.'
'Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,' he asked, 'or bit by bit?'
'It doesn't happen all at once,' said the Skin Horse. 'You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.'"
"I still have sharp edges, don't I?" Kilgrave asked.
"Not as sharp as they were," Jack said.
"And I have to be carefully kept," Kilgrave said.
"I'm afraid so, at least for a while. Maybe for a very long while. So maybe it's a good thing I'm immortal, yeah?"
Kilgrave looked up at Jack and nodded. "Yeah. Yes, sir, it is."
"You don't break easily, though, so that's something," Jack gave him a cheeky smile.
"I'm never going to leave Torchwood," he said. "If you unlocked the doors and said I could go, I wouldn't." He reached over and took Ianto's wrist and pulled his arm over and around him like a security blanket. "I can't. If I did, it would only be a matter of time before I went to hell. I might not be able to compel anyone anymore, but I'd still get in trouble. I'd be robbing someone, hurting someone. More than likely selling my ass because I'm basically just a whore. I have to stay here. It's where I belong."
"Stop talking about yourself like that,"Jack said. "Remember, you're still mine. I won't have anyone talking about my property like that. What is your collar made of?"
"Velvet," he said, rolling his eyes like a child made to recite a thing far too often.
"And why is it velvet?"
"Because velvet is soft," Kilgrave said, again like a child. "And it's soft because you're going to make me soft so you can remake me."
"So you can be real, like the velveteen rabbit."
"So I can become?"
"Yeah," Jack said.
"I guess it's okay if my eyes fall out and my hair is rubbed off, then."
"Of course it is," Ianto said. "But until then, I think we could all use a drink."
He got up and fetched three tumblers filled to the brim with Scotch. He looked at Jack and Kilgrave on the sofa and thought that only Jack Harkness could take in a monster and weave around him a cocoon, and with all the time and patience in the universe wait until it metamorphosed into something else. Because to Jack Harkness, everyone else in the universe was as short-lived as a Luna moth.