Just a quick note to point out the obvious: there are some words in this chapter that aren't mine - they belong to Mark Schwahn. You may recognize them from 7x22, as well as some dialogue of Nathan's from the original script that never made it to air, but I've always loved (thanks to the world of Twitter for allowing me a glimpse of the script!)
"I am not suicidal!"
Haley didn't know how she'd ended up in Nathan Scott's kitchen, screaming at the two brothers about the state of her mental health, but it felt like par for the course of her life lately. Any control that she ever felt like she had over her own life had ended over a year ago.
She felt like she could finally understand that saying her father always quoted. When a younger Haley, full of hope and ideas, carefully and methodically mapped out her future and announced her 10 and 20 year plans over the dinner table, Jimmy James would look at his youngest child with mirth sparkling in his blue eyes and remind her that, "Man plans, God laughs."
Not that her father had been a particularly religious man, no. Nor did he want to discourage his youngest from using her intelligence to its full potential; he'd simply discovered how the ship of life could have its course mapped out by the most knowledgeable of captains, only to be caught up in Mother Nature's stormiest.
Haley wondered what Jimmy had been planning for that spring Sunday morning when God had taken him from his family, right in the middle of a hardware store. The heart attack had been so severe that the paramedics hadn't even been able to keep him alive until they reached the hospital. Haley wondered if Jimmy had been looking down on her and thinking of that old Yiddish proverb when, 2 days after his funeral, Lydia James admitted to her children that her doctors had found a tumor her pancreas, which had been detected too late to prevent the cancer spreading throughout her body. There was a furious rage that boiled in Haley's body when she thought of anyone - especially God himself - laughing as Haley packed her bags to return to Tree Hill to be with her mother after months of treatment had proved futile and all that could be done was "to make her as comfortable as possible".
So Haley was done with planning. There was no plan when she hurled herself into the swimming pool at her former family home, delighting as the icy coldness pierced her senses and invaded her body, the most alive she had felt in a year since the first of her two beloved and adored parents had left her. There was no plan when she agreed to her best friend's suggestion for her to get away from Tree Hill for a while, with no job or boyfriend in LA to return to. There was no plan as she stood in the middle of an expensive, state-of-the-art but rarely used kitchen, screaming at two men - one of whom was her oldest and closest friend, the other someone she hadn't seen in the flesh since her high school graduation.
That was Haley's life now. No planning, but a determination to feel, and to live.
Lucas jumped to his feet, his hands held in front of him as if Haley was threatening to take his life rather than her walking in on him talking about her taking her own.
"I know ... I know what you said, Hales, I was just ..."
"I am not suicidal," Haley repeated, turning her fiery brown eyes away from her best friend and towards his brother. There was some desperate urge inside of her to convince Nathan, to make him understand. "I wasn't trying to take my life when I jumped into that pool - it was just the opposite. I just wanted to feel something... like, alive, I guess."
Nathan nodded slowly, his eyes locked onto hers. "And did it make you feel alive?"
The doctor had asked her the same thing this morning, and Haley felt that neither he nor Lucas had believed, or understood her answer.
"No ... but it made me want to."
Nathan was still nodding and Haley was surprised to see the look of understanding she so desperately needed to see written across his face. Before anyone could speak, a loud ringing cut through the room, followed by Lucas' swearing.
"Dammit, I'm sorry ... I really have to take this. I'm sorry, guys." He apologized, grimacing at the illuminated screen of his phone. Haley watched him as he hurried out down the hallway for privacy. When she looked back at Nathan, his eyes were still on her.
"You know" he started, slowly, "I threw myself in the pool once. After my accident."
Haley swallowed hard, trying to calm her breathing. Nathan's blue eyes and the look that was in them kept her riveted to his face. Something about that look told her that he had never spoken those words out loud before and it caused her heart rate to treble.
"I stood up and I fought back. You will, too."
Haley's efforts to calm herself were futile as Nathan's words caused tears to build up past the dam of her eyelids. She dug her fingernails into her palm, hoping to distract her body with the painful sensation. She hated how her body betrayed itself these days; she hardly ever cried, but now she wondered if 26 years' worth of tears were trying to escape. She cried over everything, particularly when her brain reminded her that she was trying to be strong.
"Do you think I like feeling like this?" She cried, defensively. "Do you think I enjoy having no control over my life, my emotions?! I'm sick of it!"
Nathan nodded again. "I know you must be. It just takes time - I know I don't have the same experience of loss as you, but I've had to learn a whole new reality. That's sort of what you're doing, too. And I can tell you, it starts from the moment you pull yourself out of that pool."
Haley bit down on her bottom lip, hard, as she thought back to the icy water seeping into her skin, but how much warmer it felt when she speared her body upwards into the freezing winter night. There had been a dull, yet euphoric, thrumming throughout her body as her senses were shaken awake from the numbness she had encased them in. She couldn't explain it, what it had done to her to finally be able to feel something for the first time in months, but she knew that feeling was responsible for telling Lucas she needed help when he had phoned the following morning. That feeling had admitted to him how alone she had felt. That feeling had accepted the invitation to stay at Nathan's house, regardless of how unexpected it had been. No planning, just feeling.
Lucas re-entered the kitchen, angrily stuffing his phone away in the pocket of his jeans. "I'm so sorry, guys, but I need to head back to New York right away." He looked up, startled at the sight of the fresh tears smeared across Haley's face. It was a testament to their friendship when Lucas recognized that the slight turning of her head was Haley's way of telling him that there was no substantial reason for her tears, that asking after her would simply start further waterworks, so he continued talking after the brief pause. "I was hoping to stay the day but they want me back immediately. I've got to catch an earlier flight, I'm so sorry."
"Don't worry about it, man, we understand. We're going to need credits at the start of your book, but we understand." Nathan joked lightly, and Haley was surprised at how he, too, knew not to make a big deal over her tears. She was fairly certain that Nathan Scott wasn't the sort of man who took crying women well, but his uncomfortable joking – and awkward, constant talking that he had done after he had picked her up from the airport yesterday – was appreciated.
Lucas gathered up his messenger bag and wrapped his arms around Haley, holding her tightly to him as he had when he returned to Tree Hill for her mother's funeral. He pulled away and held her upper arms tightly as his eyes locked with hers. "PR and Marketing have book tour dates for me that are set in stone, but I promise you, I'll come and visit before then, ok? And I'm always on the end of the phone, Hales. Always."
Haley nodded. "I know, Luke. Thank you."
Lucas held on a moment longer, before dropping a kiss on her forehead and turning away.
"I'll walk you out." Nathan stood up and Haley watched as the two brothers left the kitchen and headed to the front door, presumably using the opportunity to talk about her.
She closed her eyes and concentrated on inflating her lungs before pushing all of the air out in an exhale, practicing some relaxation technique she had read about. She felt the pressure behind her eyes decrease and her heart rate settle. When she was sure the tears had stopped for the time being, she went to the sink, splashing cool water on her face and scrubbing away her earlier emotions.
Nathan returned and smiled easily at her, once again respecting Haley's unspoken desire not to make a big deal of her crying. It amazed her that the selfish, immature boy she used to tutor in high school had grown into the man who had such an ability to care for other people. She had been too numb, too overwhelmed, to think much about what Nathan would be like as an adult when she told Lucas she'd stay with the younger Scott brother. High school Nathan has been pretty unpleasant, although never drastically so to her, and Haley was, at times the only one, who had an unwavering belief that he could become a great man in the right circumstances.
"I, um … I owe you an apology."
"What for?"
Haley's fingers pulled at the sleeve of the shirt she was wearing as she chewed on her lip in an effort to prevent any traitorous tears from escaping.
"I know I was a mess yesterday … I still am, I mean … but… it was so overwhelming. Coming here, staying with you … it was a lot to sort of process. So I'm sorry that I didn't really say anything to you." The words spilled out in a rambling jumble. "I didn't mean to be rude, I really appreciate you letting me stay here … it was just a lot to … you know," she finished, feebly with a half shrug of her shoulders.
Nathan shrugged, nonchalantly, as he dropped some leaflets and pill bottles on the counter; presumably Lucas had given him her prescriptions and the generic pamphlets about grief and depression that the doctor had handed them.
"It's no problem. I know we're not in high school anymore, but it was a bit Freaky Friday for me to be the one rambling awkwardly while you stayed silent," Nathan smiled again to show he was joking before his eyes turned serious and searched her dark ones. "I was worried because I didn't know what was going on, Lucas didn't tell me anything until just before. Don't feel like you have to talk to me if you don't want to."
Haley didn't reply as Nathan's eyes dropped to scan the note that was already left there, the doctor's messy scrawl outlining some basic steps that were supposed to miraculously cure Haley of the dark weight that had settled upon her. She gritted her teeth and internally shook her head - she knew that the negative and sarcastic thinking wouldn't help her, that she had to start making conscious steps forward, as hopeless and mundane as they appeared to her, but everything just felt so hard at the moment.
"So, the doctor thinks you should start exercising every day." Nathan said, picking up a blue and white leaflet from the scattered pile. "The mental health benefits of exercise - the exercise prescription for depression, anxiety, stress and more!" His blue eyes looked up at Haley as he read the title in a joking, game show host-style voice. "Well, that should be easy for me to help you with that. I go for a run every morning before work, you could join me?"
"You don't have to do this for me, Nathan." Haley told him. "Just letting me stay here is enough. It's not like I can do anything to repay you right now."
"Oh, don't worry about" Nathan replied, lightly. "It says here that you should eat a healthy, well-balanced diet." He looked up from the piece of paper. "I can't cook to save myself, so looks like you're house chef while you're here."
Haley took in his easy, crooked smile, one she remembered so vividly from their teenage days. The jaw was a lot squarer, the crinkles around his eyes were slightly more pronounced, but it was almost a comfort to her to see the familiar smirk amongst the chaos of her life now.
"Why are you doing this? Why are you helping me?"
Nathan's smirk deepened. "Oh Haley, I'm glad you asked. I've been waiting a really long time to tell you."